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March 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
You soooo had me scared!!!
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March 2, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I followed the story and liked it. However, let me give you a hint on dragging out the supposed death of Harry, as I knew it was about Pansy when I read it. You should have included in the paragraph about 'beginning the eulogy', right before Draco sighs, that he thought of Harry again, and his lip trembled when he did, and maybe a tear escaped his eye. This way, it still doesn't mean it's harry dead, but makes everyone think he is.
Next, instead of having the large space to seperate the next scenes first paragraph, which was also a dead give-away, you should have shown an upset Draco walking out of the funeral, maybe mention that he had shaky movements, and yet never mentioning Pansy. Next, maybe have him stop walking, pausing again, to ride away in a black carriage to the cemetery, and during that pause, he thinks about Harry again. This time, have him wipe the sweat from his brow with a shaky hand, or wipe a tear away, then sigh and enter the carriage. However, here, you still don't explain anything, and then proceed to the next scene where he enters St. Mungos.
The thing is, you have to build up the angst, to a certain amount, to pull off the deception. You have to make the reader believe that Harry died, by drawing out the angst, without mentioning which person actually died. You also have to name drop (Harry) to get it to work, or the name you want the deception to be about, so readers like me don't figure it out as quickly as I read it.
Anyhow, it was a good story; I just thought I'd throw in my two cents, and hope it might help you in the future.
Next, instead of having the large space to seperate the next scenes first paragraph, which was also a dead give-away, you should have shown an upset Draco walking out of the funeral, maybe mention that he had shaky movements, and yet never mentioning Pansy. Next, maybe have him stop walking, pausing again, to ride away in a black carriage to the cemetery, and during that pause, he thinks about Harry again. This time, have him wipe the sweat from his brow with a shaky hand, or wipe a tear away, then sigh and enter the carriage. However, here, you still don't explain anything, and then proceed to the next scene where he enters St. Mungos.
The thing is, you have to build up the angst, to a certain amount, to pull off the deception. You have to make the reader believe that Harry died, by drawing out the angst, without mentioning which person actually died. You also have to name drop (Harry) to get it to work, or the name you want the deception to be about, so readers like me don't figure it out as quickly as I read it.
Anyhow, it was a good story; I just thought I'd throw in my two cents, and hope it might help you in the future.
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March 2, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Man, I hate Pansy, she is such a horrible BIATCH who should die along with Blaise. Please get the next chapter up soon.
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January 17, 2009 at 12:00 AM
if you kill harry, ill cry like a little pussy.
please dont kill him!!! ive got lolly pops for you!
please dont kill him!!! ive got lolly pops for you!
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January 17, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Soooo need chapter 12!!! Don't kill Harry!!!! They sooo deserve a happy ending!!!
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January 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Sooo need chapter 11!!! Harry do something!!!
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December 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Sooo need chapter 10!! Oh I hope Pansy wasn't around!
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December 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Such a cute story! Love the chemistry you're building between Harry and Draco... makes it worth the wait. :) Look forward to more! Good luck with the end of the semester, I totally feel you. :)
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December 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I just started reading this story- very interesting so far. Nice job
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December 2, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Sooo need chapter 9!!!