schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
2
I'm not wanting to be a stuck record - but my comments on formatting stand. Big chunks of text, while grammatically correct (new line, new speaker) are really offputting for many readers, and a formatting edit could well attract more readers. I was myself put off, as the huge chunks of text are absolute Hell with my dyslexia; as a result I'm having to read much slower - and I'm spotting more errors because of it. (They're at the bottom, maybe edit those too, whilst you're at it?)
Could you put an author's note up saying how to pronounce what Ruthie is calling Severus phonetically? I can't seem to wrap my mouth around it. (Thanks)
Could you put Hermione's diary in italics to separate it away from the plot, just to give it definition and discreteness?
I love how the child is named Ruthie, I presume this is short for Ruth. A good strong name that isn't one of the 'fashionable names' that will sound dated in years to come. It's an old name, but won't stand out in either the muggle or wizarding culture. (I have a thing for names, I love researching the names of my characters and their meanings!). I also think you have the two-year-old down to a fine art!
I simply LOVE that you know what to do with a semi-colon! There isn't enough usage of that little piece of punctuation in fics! *grins*
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Nit-picks (in order) Perhaps invest in a beta reader?
* at the end of summer Summer is a proper noun, and thus should have a capital letter.
* No not mummy, want Sverus Mummy is another proper noun.
* Eh seems to like her He seems to like her.
*
I'm not wanting to be a stuck record - but my comments on formatting stand. Big chunks of text, while grammatically correct (new line, new speaker) are really offputting for many readers, and a formatting edit could well attract more readers. I was myself put off, as the huge chunks of text are absolute Hell with my dyslexia; as a result I'm having to read much slower - and I'm spotting more errors because of it. (They're at the bottom, maybe edit those too, whilst you're at it?)
Could you put an author's note up saying how to pronounce what Ruthie is calling Severus phonetically? I can't seem to wrap my mouth around it. (Thanks)
Could you put Hermione's diary in italics to separate it away from the plot, just to give it definition and discreteness?
I love how the child is named Ruthie, I presume this is short for Ruth. A good strong name that isn't one of the 'fashionable names' that will sound dated in years to come. It's an old name, but won't stand out in either the muggle or wizarding culture. (I have a thing for names, I love researching the names of my characters and their meanings!). I also think you have the two-year-old down to a fine art!
I simply LOVE that you know what to do with a semi-colon! There isn't enough usage of that little piece of punctuation in fics! *grins*
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Nit-picks (in order) Perhaps invest in a beta reader?
* at the end of summer Summer is a proper noun, and thus should have a capital letter.
* No not mummy, want Sverus Mummy is another proper noun.
* Eh seems to like her He seems to like her.
*
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
3
Formatting gets 4 stars! The odd line wants splitting still. But Thank you so much!
SLAP I had to grin at that. Ron wants more than a slap, I think a firm yelling at from Molly would do the trick - or Hermione hexing him within an inch of existance. Rude little git. I love your portrayal of Ron; a typical firey red-head with far too much testosterone and self confidence! Harry sounds to be the voice of reason in the trio at the moment, what's made him mature so much?
Hermione sounds to have been raped, though I don't think you're keeping it a secret, there have been quite a few hints. Though, if she was raped in 4th year, that made her 15! That's illegal however you look at it!
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* father another proper noun that needs a capital letter.
* What it would
Formatting gets 4 stars! The odd line wants splitting still. But Thank you so much!
SLAP I had to grin at that. Ron wants more than a slap, I think a firm yelling at from Molly would do the trick - or Hermione hexing him within an inch of existance. Rude little git. I love your portrayal of Ron; a typical firey red-head with far too much testosterone and self confidence! Harry sounds to be the voice of reason in the trio at the moment, what's made him mature so much?
Hermione sounds to have been raped, though I don't think you're keeping it a secret, there have been quite a few hints. Though, if she was raped in 4th year, that made her 15! That's illegal however you look at it!
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* father another proper noun that needs a capital letter.
* What it would
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
4
Quite a short chapter, but so many little hints here and there!
Ron needs anger management desperately. He's acting like a spurned lover (which he never was) rather than a caring and compassionate friend. The fact that he would have probably raped her had Harry not been there is incredibly worrying! It doesn't seem all that OOC, but its rather frightening that he'd let his temper get the better of him!
Though, the formatting went all wonky again in this one. :(
Quite a short chapter, but so many little hints here and there!
Ron needs anger management desperately. He's acting like a spurned lover (which he never was) rather than a caring and compassionate friend. The fact that he would have probably raped her had Harry not been there is incredibly worrying! It doesn't seem all that OOC, but its rather frightening that he'd let his temper get the better of him!
Though, the formatting went all wonky again in this one. :(
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
So. Ron should have gullible written in big red letters on his forehead and Percy's gone nasty on us - though both are highly believable!
I love how Ruthie is so cute, and throws tantrums! (and that's saying something! I hate kids!)
Who's attacked her? Good use of a cliffhanger!
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* hell Proper noun.
* What Harry didn
I love how Ruthie is so cute, and throws tantrums! (and that's saying something! I hate kids!)
Who's attacked her? Good use of a cliffhanger!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* hell Proper noun.
* What Harry didn
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
*shudders* Ron is turning out to be rather sick in this - but in a completely believable way.
I wonder if the kitten is the little lady's familiar? She certainly shows a lot of magical talent - it wouldn't be so suprising. Talking of familiars... where's Crookshanks in all of this? Or is he the culprit of the kittens? lol.
I burst out laughing at the 'need to pee' bit! Big bad Death Eater, potion's master, bat of the dungeons... and he has no idea what to do with a little girl who needs the loo! Thank goodness for Dobby!
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* but he is male was male.
* wasn
I wonder if the kitten is the little lady's familiar? She certainly shows a lot of magical talent - it wouldn't be so suprising. Talking of familiars... where's Crookshanks in all of this? Or is he the culprit of the kittens? lol.
I burst out laughing at the 'need to pee' bit! Big bad Death Eater, potion's master, bat of the dungeons... and he has no idea what to do with a little girl who needs the loo! Thank goodness for Dobby!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
* but he is male was male.
* wasn
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
oh man :O
well at least she's got Sev now =)
well at least she's got Sev now =)
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I want to throw Harry under a bus! DAMN him for not knocking.
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Love it!!!!!!!! :D
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Arrgh! Harry does need to learn to knock, sheesh.
schedule
April 14, 2008 at 12:00 AM
@17 great story. i cant wait to read more.
update soon
*DB*
update soon
*DB*