Vodka on the Tonks

Vodka on the Tonks

Disclaimer: All JKRs not mine! Course a little smut in the adult version of OotP wouldn’t go astray….


Just a little idea that popped into my head and wouldn’t go away – and this doesn’t really fit into my other Tonks/Snape fic…so here ya go…Warning: Lots of Angst and UST.

Okay, I’m a little unsure about that fuzzy wee line between R and NC-17 and I have a feeling this fic falls somewhere on that line, so I’ve rated it NC-17 to be sure, but if anyone would like to let me know if they think otherwise, I’ll change it. Would I get away with it on fanfiction.net?

Oh, and of course, please review! You know it’s good for you too! ;)

Severus Snape bolted upright from his sleep, his heart pounding at the sudden disruption. For a moment he was somewhat disorientated. Then a quick glance around the room reminded him – he’d fallen asleep in the armchair by the fireplace at the Black House. The fire had died down, and now only a few glowing embers remained. Then he heard a sound, obviously the noise that had awoken him. From across the room came an incessant ringing. Pulling out his wand, he leapt to his feet, the blanket over his lap falling to the dusty floor. Cautiously he approached the source. Finally he located it. One of those Muggle contraptions – a takapone? No, that wasn’t the right word…ahh, yes, a telephone. One of Arthur’s bloody souvenirs, Snape thought angrily. He grabbed up the receiver, and somewhat hesitantly placed it to his ear, as if the thing might take a chunk out of him.
“What?” he snapped.
“Is that Mr Snake?” The voice on the other end was almost drowned out by the thumping of loud music in the background.
“I am Severus Snape,” Severus growled. Bloody Muggles, he thought. Then another idea shoved his anger out – why was someone calling him, at the Black House no less, on a Muggle contraption?
“Mr Snake, I’m Paul Ream from Ladies Lounge.”
“And?” Snape snapped.
“Well, I have a friend of yours here, and she’s, uh, a tad bit over the limit. She asked me to call you to come and get her.”
“I assure you, Mr Ream, that no friend of mine is drunk at your Lounge,” Snape drawled down the phone, tapping one of his feet impatiently on the wooden floor.
“Well, she said to call you, uh, what’d you say your name was dear?” The man went quiet for a few moments. “What?” Then he came back to the phone. “Nadora Tonks? Something like that…”
Severus sighed. “Well, tell her to apparate home, I’m busy.”
“Tell her to what? She’s way too drunk to drive, Mister, I think you’d better come and get her.”
Snape was very tempted to just hang up the phone. However, the thought of Dumbledore’s chiding the next day when he heard Severus had left one of the Order to fend for themselves when they’d requested his help, well, it would be rather nastier than just going to pick the silly girl up.
“All right,” Severus sighed. “What is the address?”
“40 Kent Terrace.”
“And the name of the place again?”
“Ladies Lounge Strip Bar.”
Strip bar? Oh, for the love of Merlin!

Snape apparated to an alleyway around the corner from the bar. Thankfully, no one was about, so he placed his wand back into his robes, then stopped short. Robes? I can’t wear robes into a bloody strip club. For a moment he considered whether he’d be better off trying his darnedest to make himself into a woman, but then decided perhaps not. For one, “Paul” the bartender was expected a Mr Snake, and for two, not that Snape liked to admit it, he wasn’t very competent with Transfiguration Spells. Finally he settled on changing his robes into a long black coat, before stepping out of the alley. His eyes were immediately drawn to the club – it was a tacky old brick building, with fluorescent pink lighting spewing across the front of it. Outside was a queue leading halfway up the k ofk of women waiting to get in. The noise was already deafening. He stalked up to the burly looking guard at the door – the sort with muscles bulging so far they looked ready to pop.
“Ladies only, sorry mate,” the guard said, placing a hand on Severus’ arm to stop him from entering. Severus took a step back, sneering disapprovingly down his arm at the man’s hand. The guard snatched it back.
“I am here to retrieve a …friend of mine. Someone…Paul takaphoned me to collect her.”
“I’ll go get her. What’s her name?”
“Tonks.”
“And what she look like?”
“Uh…” Good point, Snape thought. Pink hair? Blond? Tall? Short? He had absolutely no idea. “I haven’t the vaguest.”
”You don’t know?” the guard asked sceptically.
“No, she, uh, had her hair done today. I believe she mentioned something about…pink?”
The doorman gave Snape a long look before leaving his post and entering the club. Snape waited quietly, ignoring a few lewd comments from the women in the queue.
(“Hey, baby, why don’t you give us a show while we’re waiting?!”)
Finally the bouncer returned, but without Tonks.
“She’s in there, mate, but you’d better go and get her - she’s at the bar. Mr Snake, right?”
The women all burst into hysterics.
“Snape!” he snapped.

Snape gazed around the club, and, avoiding looking at the half naked men on the stage as much as possible, he located the bar. And there, sure enough sat Tonks, chatting to the bar tender. Severus was surprised to find that she was herself – the only change being her short pink hair was now curly and blond – haloing her head.
Snape already knew that Tonks was beautiful, you’d have to be blind not to see that, but there she looked – stunning. Quit building yourself up for a fall, Severus, you know she would never be interested in a greasy old Git like you. Just go and get her, drop her home and go back to Hogwarts where you can sort yourself out.
As he approached the bar he noticed exactly what Tonks was wearing. Her black pants fitted her loosely, hanging dangerously low on her hips. Her top was pale blue, shimmery and short, showing over the skin of her lower back. Snape paused to compose himself before tapping her sharply on the shoulder.
Tonks turned slowly, quite unsteady on her barstool. Her face was blank for a moment and then beamed in recognition. “Sleverus!”
“Tonks,” he said shortly.
“I have been having the best time!” she grinned crookedly at him. “Paul here,” Tonks nodded at the bartender, “was just telling me how hot I look tonight! Believe that?! And I’m me!”
Oh, dear lord, Snape thought, you do indeed. He sent Paul a decidedly Snapeish glare.
“Hey, sorry mate, didn’t know she was your girlfriend,” the bartender said, backing up.
“She is not my girlfriend!” The bartender gave Snape a once over and the look on his face said ‘of course your not’. Snape’s anger doubled and he glared at Tonks. “Let’s go.”
“Oh, but don’t you want a drink, Snapey? It’d loosen you up – and lord knows, you could do with a bit of fun!” Tonks reached out and ran her palms over his chest. Snape shoved her hands away.
“Out!”

Tonks stumbled out the door after him, just about falling to the ground in the process. Shit, thought Snape, and to think she could possibly get any clumsier! He grabbed her elbow and pulled her across the road to the alley he had apparated to.
“Can app apparate?” he hissed at her.
“Nope. Too duurunk!” Tonks laughed. “God, I feel horny.”
Snape shivered – what evil curse was this, teasing him?
“Delightful,” he growled. “Come on then – we’ll walk.”
“Oh, but Sevy, my feet are so sore!” Tonks wobbled unsteadily on the spot and then beamed “I know! Let’s get a taxi! Then I can tell Arthur all about it! He’ll be soooooo jealous!”
“Fine.” He paused and scrutinised her for a moment, then pulled off his coat. “For Merlin’s, sake, put this on! You look like something from Knockturn Alley!”
Tonks slipped the coat on and gave him a sly smile. “So, how much would you pay for me?” Snape shot her a critical look, and was surprised to find her looking quite serious. He decided it was for the best to ignore her.
“Oh, come on, Sevy! I know you go there! How much?”
“What I do in my sparse recreational time is not of any interest to you,” Snape growled, wanting this conversation to take a 180 turn.
“It would be if I was what you did!” Tonks burst into a fit of giggles.
“I assure you that I am not interested in silly little girls who can’t hold their liquor!” Snape’s face contorted in anger
“Oh, rubbish! I’ve seen the way you look at my chest when you think I’m not watching!” Tonks paused, waiting for a response Snape refused to give. “Don’t know why though. I mean, I think my bum’s my best feature. What do you think?” She turned around, pulling his coat back so that she could waggle it in front of him.
Oh, Merlin! “Your backside is fine.”
“Just fine?” she sulked.
“Well, I assume it functions perfectly well. Now shut up.”
“Just fine?” Tonks repeated, pouting.
“I said shut it!”
“No, you said up!” Tonks fell upon said backside to the ground as another giggling fit took over. Snape shuddered – classes were not to start for another week, but it seemed the universe could not leave him alone that long. He grasped her by the collar of the coat and pulled her to her feet.
“Now, just try and act normal…for a Muggle that is, so we can get in a cab,” he growled at her, a firm hand on her lower back ushering her out of the alley.
“You know what your problem is, Sev? You need a decent bonk.”
“My name is Severus!” he snapped, his hand digging into her back in emphasis.
He rushed her back across the road to the taxi stand, holding the door open for her. She crawled into the back seat, bumping her hea the the process. She burst into yet another giggling fit. Snape slid into the seat next to her, slamming the door shut behind him.
“Grimmauld Place,” he hissed at the driver. The driver gave him a long look in the rear view mirror, and pulled away from the curb.
“Have you got any Muggle money?” Snape hissed at Tonks.
“Yep. It’s my pocket. But you’ll have to come and get it!”
“No, you will give it to me.
“Nope! It’s in my pocket!”
“Nymphadora, you will hand me that money!” he demanded giving her a glare which he usually reserved for really annoying students and Potter.
“Nooooooooooo,” she said in a singsong voice. “You’ll come and get it!”
Snape was about to pull out his wand, but quickly noted the cabbie was watching him closely. Sighing, Snape reached over, and trying his hardest not to touch anything bar material, he slipped two fingers into the pocket of her pants. Nothing. He cautiously probed further, still coming up with nothing.
Tonks burst out laughing. “This what you after?” she giggled, waving a 20 pound note under his large nose.
He held out a demanding hand.
Tonks proceeded to tuck it down the front of her top.
“Now come and get it!”
Just do it, Snape ordered himself, just don’t think about it and do it. He quickly whipped the note out, and gave Tonks a surly look as he went to lean back in the seat. Tonks, however, grabbed him and placed a sloppy kiss on his lips. Snape knew he was lingering there longer than he should, but despite the tang of alcohol, she tasted wonderful. Little sparks flew from his lips straight to his crotch. It had been way to long since someone had kissed him, even as messily as that. He yanked his head back from her grasp and settled back into the seat.
“You know you are making an outrageous fool out of yourself, don’t you?” Snape tried to snarl, but it came out huskier than he had intended.
“Nothing new there, is there?” Tonks replied with a smirk. “I believe that is what you used to call me when I was at Hogwarts?”
“Indeed. I wouldn’t have thought such a name would be something to aspire to though.”
“Mm, how bout that? I could nick one of Hermione’s uniforms and we could play naughty schoolgirl?” Tonks suggested proudly, placing her hand on his knee.
“Don’t be revolting!” Snape growled, hoping like all hell that the cabbie hadn’t heard her, but knowing from the fact that the driver’s eyes were now glued to the rear view mirror that he wouldn’t have missed a syllable.
“Yeah, like you’ve never dreamt of doing one of your students,” Tonks gave him a disbelieving look.
“The only dreams I have about students are nightmares!” he snapped defensively.
“Whatever,” she gave him a dismissive wave of her hand.
“Why the bloody hell did you call me? I’m sure if your sole purpose for this wasted evening was to get a quick fuck Sirius would’ve been more than obliging,” he spat. Snape was reaching breaking point. His pants were painfully tight and his self-control was withering. She was too close – and too willing. Stop it! She’s drunk!
“Yuck! Now you are being disgusting! Sirius is my cousin!” she screwed up her nose, and Snape got the terrible impression for a moment that she was going to morph herself. Relief flushed over him when he realised she wasn’t. And the thought that she at least had higher morals than her snotty cousin may have had a little to do with it. Snape had no doubt in his mind that being related to Tonks wouldn’t have slowed Black down for an instant.
“Well, it’s verging on a full moon, why not that savage Lupin then?” he drawled, part of him hoping she’d realise Lupin would be a much better option for her attentions, the other (and much larger portion) hoping that she wouldn’t.
“Thought you’d be more of a challenge,” she giggled. “Looks like I’ve set myself a right little mission, doesn’t it?” Tonks hand slowly crept its way up his thigh, her heart-shaped face now set in determination.
“Well, lucky me,” Snape growled, rolling his eyes. Why the heck couldn’t she have just picked someone who would have no qualms about ravaging her in the back of a taxi? Or better yet, someone who didn’t have to bite their own tongue in order to stop them selves from jumping her?
Her hand kept creeping up his leg, and Snape found himself torn. He so desperately wanted her to keep going, wondering what those delicate fingers would feel like on the tight fabric of his crotch. He knew he should stop her but as much as he tried he found his hands had lost all sensation and lay useless at his sides. Suddenly her hand stopped and Snape breathed a sigh of relief. It was short lived though, as she slid across the seat, straddling his lap. She settled herself against him and Snape felt control slipping further from his grasp. He could feel her heat through the fabric of their clothes, and the urge to buck up against her was almost unbearable. Snape tried to occupy his mind with other thoughts, and had almost succeeded, when Tonks let out a breathy sigh, pulling him right back to the situation at hand.
“My, my, sir, is that your wand or are you just happy to see me?” she giggled, grinding her hips against his.
“Tonks…” he protested, almost begged.
“Oh, wait, no I have your wand right here,” Tonks retrieved it from the coat she was wearing, “so I guess that’s a yes to the uniform after all, huh?” She pointed the wand at herself, about to transfigure her clothes into a Hogwarts uniform.
Snape glanced at the rear view mirror to see a rather confused looking cabbie.
“Put that away, now!” he hissed at her. “Are you out of your mind?”
“Make me!”
The cabbie pulled over, and Snape glanced up. They had finally reached Grimmauld Place. Snape opened the door, almost pushing Tonks out, stealing his wand back in the process. He placed a quick memory charm over the driver, and leapt out the car, needing to escape from the heat and the overbearing scent of sex wafting throughout the back seat.
“Hey, buddy, that’ll be £10!” the driver yelled out the window.
“Keep the change,” Snape thrust the 20 through the window, and went to s up up the steps to number 12, realising that he’d have to wait until the cab had gone before allowing the house to materialise. He glanced at Tonks as the cab departed, intending to leave her to her own devices from here, and just apparate back to Hogwarts for a cold shower or three. Tonks was sitting oe cue curb, looking particularly seedy.
“Oh, for heavens sake, come on!” Snape hoisted her up to her feet, and all but carried her up the steps to the immerging number twelve. As he fumbled with the Muggle lock Arthur had installed, muttering under his breath, he heard Tonks wretch and then warmth spread down the inside one of his shoes. Snape glanced down and confirmed his disgust.
“Well, that’s just charming.”