The Hogwarts' Men's Club

The Hogwarts’ Men’s Club

AN/ Don’t own them. No money is being made. (Titles are tricky things. If this one has been used please inform me and I will promptly and gladly change it. Cheers)

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It was New Year’s Eve when Severus Snape entered the teacher’s lounge, coughas has he walked into a smoky haze. “About time you crawled out of that hole of yours and joined us.” Charlie Weasley grinned.

“Have a seat Severus,” Remus Lupin said, pushing a chair out from the table with his foot. Remus had returned to Hogwarts as the DADA teacher now that Voldemort had been defeated during the summer, on Harry Potter’s seventeenth birthday to be exact.

With the defeat of the Dark Order, except for the occasional skirmishes with die-hard Voldemort supporters, the Wizarding world had settled once more into a peaceful existence.

Severus looked around at the men gathered there. Filius Flitwick, Charlie Weasley, Gilderoy Lockhart, Jonathan Hardcastle, the Muggle Studies professor, and Remus Lupin sat aroundargearge table, sipping drinks and enjoying cigars.

Charlie Weasley was now the Care of Magical Creatures, since Hagrid had moved to France to be with Madame Maxine. Charlie had been critically wounded during his stint with the Order and walked with a slight limp now. His days of handling dragons had ended but he was ent ent to be nearer the Weasley family and working at the school.

Gilderoy Lockhart had taken over the History of Magic position. It had been a stroke of luck that a misfired spell at St Mungo’s had hit him one day and revived his memory.

Professor Binns, the former History of Magic Professor, had gotten stuck in a loop and had repeated the same lecture to all the classes for weeks on end last year. Dumbledore had offered Lockhart the job and the pompous wizard had gratefully accepted. Professor Binns had been placed in a sealed room in a tower where he to this day, repeated the same lecture.

“What’s your poison?” Filius asked, indicating the drinks the men had before them.

Poison indeed Severus thought dryly as he sat down, waving the cigar smoke aside. “Cognac.”

If Albus could see his so called staff now…

Albus Dumbledore had announced his sabbatical a week before the term started. “I need a vacation,” he told the astonished staff. “Therefore I will be taking this year off. Minerva will be the acting Headmistress. Severus will fill in for Minerva.” With those few words he had left.

Severus had thought to leave Hogwarts now that he was no longer working as a double agent, but with this new development he had decided to stay. The extra authority Albus had afforded him appealed to his ego, though he did not relish having to put up with the Boy-Who-Defeated-You-Know-Who for another year. The insufferable git.

“Well then,” Jonathan said, leaning back in his chair. “Whose turn to share first tonight?”

“I think it is Charlie’s turn,” Filius said quickly as Gilderoy opened his mouth.

Charlie flushed. “With the holidays and such, I don’t have much to talk about.”

“Oh really?” Remus said giving him a wolfish grin. “What about the Abbott girl? She was rather late for my class that one day, said you kept her after class. And I didn’t believe for one second she had gotten the grass stains on her robes from falling.”

The men hooted, as Charlie turned red. Severus eyebrows shot up. Were they suggesting…yes they were as Charlie continued.

“…And before I knew it she was kneeling in the grass, taking it all in. Merlin, that girl does know how to use her mouth.”

“Told you,” said Gilderoy smugly.

“Are you telling me,” Severus said quietly, his voice low and dangerous, “that you had inappropriate relations with a student, Weasley?”

“Why yes,” Remus said innocently. “What do you think we talk about in here? The weather?” The men chortled at Severus’ look of shock.

Spitting, Severus tried to untie his tongue. “This is some sort of joke right? For the new ‘boy’. Very funny.”

“Not a joke old man,” Jonathan said. “This little meeting once a month is for just this. To let our hair down, brag on our newest conquests and just relax. I cannot believe that you have never attended a meeting over the years.”

Severus scowled at them. “And what would Albus think if he knew of this?”

Flitwick snorted. “Who do you think thought up this little club?”

Severus sat back a bit miffed. Why hadn’t Albus ever let him in on this?

Flitwick patted him on the shoulder. “I think Albus thought you wouldn’t see the humor behind all this.”

“True,” Remus agreed as he took a draw off the cheroot he fingered. “Loosen up old boy, it isn’t like we don’t all have the same urges.”

“Urges?”

“Yes uges. Being in a closed classroom day after day with all those fresh young females,” Remus said. “Don’t tell us that you haven’t had thoughts, urges, as they flit around, their firm breasts bouncing softly beneath those robes, the sensual aroma of their perfume, how they causally glance at you when they think you aren’t looking. Come on Severus.”

“Are you telling me that everyone in this room has had illicit relations with a student?!?”

Sheepish grins greeted Severus. “FILIUS?”

“Don’t look so shocked my boy, I have my own endearing qualities,” he chuckled.

“And what would the Headmistress say to all this?”

The room erupted with laughter. “ The same things we do in their club, though Minerva has probably stopped attending since taking on the duty as Headmistress.” Filius blushed. “I think we are mild compared to the ladies on staff here.”

“Albus, surely he didn’t?”

“Not since he became Headmaster no, but I can tell you stories. He was quite a ladies man when he was a professor here.”

Severus slumped down in his chair, his mouth slightly agape. “With students?” he muttered.

“Only those who are of legal age Severus. Get off you high horse. There are no rules that forbid such things.” Remus said lightly.

“I was a bit shocked myself when I found out,” Charlie told Severus.

“Until Parkinson and Bullstrode got a hold of you,lderlderoy said with a knowing smile.

“Millicent and Pansy are too aggressive.” Charley shuddered. “I am ashamed to say I almost ran the first time they approached me.” He grinned slyly “but I am glad I didn’t. Miss Abbott was my only story this month, sorry. Lupin you’re next.”

“I don’t like to kiss and tell,” Remus blushed though a very wolfish grin graced his face.
The men protested loudly. “Come now. Its your time to share.”

“Alright, but somebody get a grip on Charlie.”

Charlie looked at him questioningly then he flushed. “Remus you didn’t…”

“She turned seventeen three days before the hols and honestly, I did not approach her.”

Charlie clenched his fists and nodded. It was hard to think of his little sister growing up.

“You need to broaden your focus Remus,” Lockhart chided. “You haven’t branched out from Gryffindor since you came back. Lets see that was Granger, Pavarti, Brown, and Weasley now.”

Severus eyes bulged out.

“Can I help it if my old house seems to have the choicest females?” Remus teased. There were loud boos and arguments on this.

Sitting there dazed, Severus listened as the men went around the table sharing with much detail about their latest ‘conquest’, Gilderoy having claimed the most.

“So Severus,” Gilderoy said slyly, “now that you have been let on to the little secret, will we be hearing from you next month?”

“Even if I were to lower myself to frolicking with the students, I would never sink to the level of announcing it to the world,” he said testily.

“Oh be a sport Severus,” Remus chided. “Actually we are in a bit of a spot and well, we need your services.”

Severus eyed him warily. “Services?”

The men grinned at him. “Every new year we receive a challenge from the women…” Filius began but was interrupted as the fire in the hearth flared. An image formed in the fire and a voluptuous woman wearing a skimpy short dress stepped out. The hologram woman stepped over to the table and placed a sealed envelope before Filius, blew a kiss at the men and stepped back into the fire.

“Ah, right on time,” Filius chuckled, opening the envelope as the clock struck midnight.

“What are the stakes this year?” Jonathan asked.

“Oh dear Merlin,” Filius sniggered. “Lockhart I blame this on you.”

“?” G?” Gilderoy asked taking the parchment from Flitwick. “Oh my. It would seem the dear ladies are getting rather inventive.”

Severus scowl deepened. “What is this all about?”

“At the beginning of every year the Ladies Club challenges us to a ‘A Countdown to Valentine’s Day Challenge’. It begins on Jan second when the students return and ends the night before Valentine’s Day.” Filius explained.

“And we have lost every year,” Jonathan groaned as he read the letter now.

“Except the year before last when Umbridge was here, it was too risky, and of course last year with the war.” Gilderoy interjected.

“We didn’t win then,” Filius said, “The challenge was just not issued, too much going on you see. But this year,” he smiled at Severus, “we will win.”

“In all fairness we almost won the last year I was on staff, but I had to carry the whole club.” Gilderoy said proudly.

“Yes, now that we have young blood in the fold, and of course you Severus,” Jonathan added, ignoring Lockhart. “We do stand a chance.”

“And what exactly ‘wins’ this challenge?” Severus asked sarcastically.

The men snickered, though Charlie flushed. “It is a competition you see, er, well” Filius said, a slight blush on his cheeks now. “Of which club has the most conquests.”

“Conquests? Are you saying that the women on staff are shagging the students also?” Severus said in disbelief.

“Of course,” Remus laughed. “Why not? What’s good for the goose is good for the gander or something like that.”

“Don’t get your knickers in a wad Snape.” Jonathan said. “It is all in good sport. The rules are simple. You seduce as many students as possible between now and then…”

“And absolutely no magic, potions, hexes, and so forth,” added Gilderoy. “Not that I need them.”

“And the student must be willing,” Jonathan said slyly, eyeing Severus.

Severus glared at the man. “How will you know if the conquest is real? Do you give each person Veritaserum?” Severus asked acidly.

Filius chuckled. “The names of the students are recorded in this,” he got up and removed a thick book from a drawer in a chest. “It is a Book of Records and is enchanted with a charm similar to the Veritaserum. If someone writes down a false name it will erase.”

“Incredible,” Severus muttered as he flipped through the pages, gaping at the names listed under each staff member from previous years. He slammed the book shut. “I will not be a part of this idiotic debasement.”

“Come on Severus,” Charlie said. “We do need you. Especially with Fleur on the women’s side this year.” Fleur Delacour had taken the job of Transfiguration teacher after Bill had broken off with her.

“Just think about it,” Remus urged. “You surely have thought about the female students now and then.”

“Or if you prefer males,” Gilderoy said looking sideways at Severus, “that will count also.”

“I do not prefer males,” Severus said through clenched teeth, “however I have no desire to rut with a giggling female teenagitheither.”

“Too bad,” Filius said with a small smile. “I added your name to the contract earlier. Whether you agree to help or not, if we lose you will have to pay the stakes.”

Severus spluttered. “How dare you Filius? I will not be a party to this juvenile nonsense.”

“Just think about Severus,” Remus said. “So Gilderoy what are the stakes?”

Gilderoy cleared his throat and stood up. “The stakes for the official Men versus Women of Hogwarts are this; First, theers ers will bring each member of the winning club breakfast in bed for thirty days…”

“Sounds mild enough,” Charlie interrupted. Gilderoy frowned at him.

“Second, the losers will give each member of the winning club a foot massage once a week for the rest of the school year and lastly the losers will don the attire of Eros and pass out roses at the annual Valentine dance.”

“You have to be kidding!” Charlie and Remus said together.

“Afraid not,” Gilderoy said sheepishly. “I for one intend to win this year gentlemen.”

“We are not that cruel when it is our year to make the stakes,” Jonathan protested.

“Of course not,” Filius laughed. “Not when we know we are going to be the losers.” The men laughed good-naturedly at that remark.

Severus sat there shaking his head. He couldn’t believe what he had just heard.

“Men,” Filius said seriously, though his eyes shone with laughter, “I for one do not relish the idea of parading around in a diaper and carrying a harp. For the honor of men of Hogwarts I suggest we turn on the charm and win this bloody thing!” Glasses were raised in agreement.

“And if we lose,” Remus said warningly, looking at Severus, “it may just be worth it to see Snape running around handing out roses.”

“That will never happen,” Severus snarled. “Even if you lose.”

“Oh it will,” said Filius smugly. “You see it is a magical contract, this challenge and since I added your name…”

Flck dck ducked the glass that Severus threw at him.

“I say this meeting of the Hogwarts Men’s Club is dismissed,” said Jonathan as he stood. “We will meet every five days now that the game is afoot.”

The men got up to leave each one patting Severus on the shoulder as they left him sitting.
‘What a way to start a new year,’ Severus thought sarcastically as he opened the book once more and started reading in disbelief.

TBC