Spa Day

Author’s Note: Crackfic, result of Kagome’s challenge/request: Voldemort and Death Eaters at the spa, which can be found at http://www2.adult-fanfiction.org/forum/index.php/topic/46457-voldemorts-spa-day-crack-fic/

Most likely going to be a two- or three-chapter fic. Set sometime during OotP, before the Azkaban breakout in January.

Reviews are, as always, welcome.

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Chapter 1 – Complete and Utter… Boredom

Unknown Location (Dark Lord Voldemort’s Hideout), Monday-of-unknown-date, 7:30am

Lord Voldemort was frustrated. There was nothing to do, except wait. Not even paperwork to keep his mind busy. He was tempted to reveal himself to the Wizarding World, but he knew better than to do so.

Sure, it would be funny seeing all those morons scramble for cover and panic like headless chickens… it would be lovely to hear their screams as his Death Eaters tore a crowd apart with Unforgivables…

Yet he really shouldn’t. The Ministry, Dumbledore and Potter were doing so well destroying all trust between each other, giving him time to gather more forces–though admittedly, most of those that would work with him were either on his side already, or would only be convinced once he broke cover; to make his plans–getting his loyal Death Eaters out of Azkaban and get that prophecy so he knew how to break and kill that Potter brat–and to wait for the right time.

Which was, really, all he was currently doing. Waiting.

Waiting for his pathetic minions to figure out how to get their hands at the prophecy and waiting for another mess-up so he could send a heart-felt “crucio!” to those responsible.

He wasn’t going to risk facing that Potter brat again until he had the prophecy, he wasn’t going to reveal himself to the wizarding world until he had dealt with the Potter brat and he couldn’t negotiate with the Dementors without breaking cover.

Which meant it all came back to that blasted prophecy. Which his minions still could not figure out how to get.

And so, Voldemort had nothing to do. Nothing at all. Which resulted in him being so bored that even blasted PAPERWORK seemed interesting.

It was at that point that he heard the sound of Apparition in the hallway near this room, before someone – most likely the person that had Apparated into the hall – knocked on his door.

“Come in!” Voldemort answered, followed by a mad cackle.

As the door was opened with some hesitation, he could see easily recognizable blond hair before he could see anything else. Malfoy, his mind supplied immediately.

“Yesss, Luccciusss?” Voldemort asked, deliberately adding an extra lisp to his voice, knowing it made his chief minion nervous. “Why issss it that you… dissssturb me at… thissss early hour?”

Not that he actually minded being disturbed – it had to be more interesting than staring at a wall, after all. He would have woken up Wormtail, except that the wall was both more interesting and less annoying.

It was that the rat had his uses, else he would have received an Avada Kedavra point-blank already.

“My Lord,” Lucius bowed deeply, “I come with news from the Ministry. Fudge…”

At that point, Lord Voldemort started tuning him out, knowing that it generally took Lucius a lot of time to get to the point.

“…and so I suggested to him, upon your orders, my Lord, that…”

Instead, he sent a Legilimency probe Malfoy’s way, gathering the information he was looking for within a few seconds. The blonde didn’t even notice his presence.

“…and after some persuasion, he tentatively agreed,” Lucius finally finished his monologue.

“I ssseee,” Voldemort hissed. “You did well, Luccciusss.”

Malfoy bowed deeply. “Thank you, My Lord.”

Voldemort was about to dismiss him when a thought struck his mind.

“Tell me, Lucius…”

“What is it that you wish to know, my Lord?” Malfoy promptly answered.

“What is it that you do to relax?” Voldemort cackled madly again.

To Malfoy’s credit, he only blinked for a moment at the unexpected question.

“Well,” he hesitated slightly, “my wife and I like to spend time at the spa in our manor.”

 Voldemort smirked. “It just happens to be the case that I am... in need of some relaxing. Frankly speaking, I am frustrated and bored. Severely bored. Care to… invite me to your spa?”

This time, it took Malfoy a little longer to overcome his shock, but he agreed, although Voldemort was amused to see that he was slightly at unease with the idea.

That did not become much better when Voldemort ‘suggested’ inviting the other Death Eaters—well, those not rotting in Azkaban—as well.

To Be Continued…