Not real

"Now these memories fill my heart, they bury me." kill you- Korn

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He moves his hands along my waist and down to my hips, his lips and teeth bite at the sensitive skin of my neck. His thrusts are smooth and deep, much different from our first time, but then again we were clumsy and young then. His breath warms my ear as he pants and groans and my own sounds echo through the empty room. I grip tight to him as he shifts and spreads my legs wider. He kisses me roughly and I only know to kiss back. we've shared many nights like this, but there is something much more hollow about them now.

Our first time like this was our 5th or 6th year of school, I can't rightly remember now. I had , as I was one to do, insulted him harshly and he became angry, as he always does. I suppose my comment hit a little to close to home as he forcefully pushed me against the nearest wall and held me there. "Oh what are you going to do about it Weasly, beat me up? You don't have the guts."

"No, Malfoy, 'cause I know what you'll do, you'll go cry to your daddy like the little bitch you are and he'll try and get me expelled. I'm going to do something that would make your daddy very upset if he found out." My eye's went wide at his comment, how dare he speak to me in such a way. I tried to wriggle free but he was stronger than me, he always has been, then I tried to kick him but he thrust his knee between my legs and made me rise up the wall. I winced, he saw and laughed, "scared Malfoy?".

"Scared of you? How could I be scared of someone who pisses his pants over spiders?" This got me another sharp thrust of the knee against my crotch. I hissed in pain as he ground his knee against me. He smirked and lowered me back to the floor. "What are gonna do Weasly?" I asked sarcastically, I thought he'd just give me a black eye. 'I'll just say I fell or something' I winced waiting for the blow to come as one of his hands left my wrist. I suddenly felt his hand reach into my pocket and pull out my wand and he threw it. I went to push him with my free hand, but he gripped my arm and pressed his body against mine, I still remember how warm he was. I spat curses at him but suddenly his mouth was pressed against mine. My eye's again widened, I thought of wether I should bite or not, I decided that wouldn't be a very good idea. he freed my arms from his grasp and wrapped his own around my waist. I again thought of trying to free myself, but then I realized that this really want bad. Ron's lips were warm and soft and he smelled nice, not that I would have ever told him that. I put my hands along the side of his face and pushed closer to him, he squeezed my waist and ran his tongue along my lips. I opened my mouth and allowed him inside, the kiss was rough and left my pale lips with bruises the next day.

I was so wrapped up in his warmth that I didn't realize he was slowly pealing my clothes from me, I noticed the brisk cold of the room against my bare back. I jumped and broke the kiss as his hands moved to my trousers and started to undo them. He stared at me blankly and asked quietly, "would you like to keep going?". I didn't know what to do, this was Weasly, the boy I had insulted for years, the boy I thought I hated, but I did want him. I wanted him to keep going, I wanted to feel him against me, feel his body over mine, feel his arms around me. Maybe it was because he was the first to ever really do so. I nodded slowly and he pushed his lips against mine again. soon we were both naked on the floor, his lips floated down my body and left no imprints against my skin. We stayed in our intimate position the whole night, but when I awoke he was gone, and life resumed as it always does.

We hadn't shared the feelings again until after the war, and after hogwarts. Even then the things we do in the privacy of our office, or at a random hotel room had more feeling than it does now. He had left hogwarts, he started a wonderful life with the mudblood he was always with, but I know not to call her such now, he becomes angry. They have tow children and a pretty little house, the perfect life. I wonder what would happen if she ever found out about what he does with me? That would never happen though, he wouldn't let it happen. I have a family of my own as well, a wife and a son. I feel so distant from them though, my son looks much like me, but I wasn't really there to see him grow, I was to busy for things like that. He is a distant part of my life, he has no love for me, like my father had no real love for me. We were distant as well, I always seemed to disappoint him in some way, always did something wrong. Perhaps this is why I clung to Weasly. I never seemed to disappoint him, ' he always cums doesn't he?'. I told myself that, but I didn't really know if I believed it myself.

My son is now at the same school I was at, in the same house, just the same. He is like looking in a mirror. I wonder if he thinks the same way I did then, I wonder if he thinks he is a disappointment in my eyes. I don't really think so, because I don't really expect as much of him as my father did me. My wife is also very distant, a cheating wench is what she is, but I don't really care. I only married because it is what my father expected of me, didn't want his son being a poof. If only he knew how much of a poof his son was, how disappointed he would be.

When I'm with Weasly though, all these thoughts are forced away. He holds me close and comforts me, if only to comfort himself as well. I don't really mind why he does it, as long as it takes the thoughts of life away for a little while. Sometimes I think he forgives me for all the insults I threw at him and his friends, but i know I'm just lying to myself. I'm full of wishful thinking, but I know it's all just lies. Like how I wish that sometimes our sex was just a little more than what it was, sex. That maybe there was love in what we were doing, but it was to rough and harsh and dirty to be love. Love is pure and gentle, or at least thats what I believe it is. I'm sure he shares that sort of love with his wife and children, I'm sure his sex with her is gentle and loving. It all makes me feel so dirty. To think of him with someone else hurt a little, but to know that he loves her so much more. I think I do love him, but his feelings for me are purely sexual, and I have come to accept this fact. There is no more I can do to change it, I should be happy that he at least holds me and kisses me, but I'm not. If nothing else it makes the pain worse.

I sometimes wonder if he thinks of her when we are together, but then again if he was thinking of her he would be with her. wouldn't he? I don't like to think about it to much.

We are together now, he is close, I know because his thrust are much more forceful now. I know when he is finished he will leave without much to say, I understand. I will then clean myself and take a shower and tell myself that the water on my face isn't tears, it's just the hard water against my skin, but why lie to myself anymore. I've lied to myself my whole life, so why believe that the love we have is real, It just dulls the pain, if only for a moment. I think to myself if this is thing we share just makes the pain worse, I want to say no, but why lie to myself.

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Oh gosh, how depressing... Well this is just a sort of depressing story in first person. Draco gives his inner thoughts on his relationship with Ron.

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