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The conversation, whenever they had it, always began the same way. Surrounded by the velvet darkness produced by closed bed curtains and warm air that smelled of boys, Remus, with his head resting against Sirius’ shoulder, would whisper three words.

“I don’t understand.”

Sirius would sigh, as if the act of answering him, again, was too much effort. Nonetheless, he would slowly pull away, trace his long fingers around Remus’ lips, and stare at the cloth-draped ceiling.

“I wish that you did, Moony. Merlin knows that I’ve explained it to you at least a million times.”

Remus gave a small shrug, shivering as Sirius’ fingers trailed behind his left ear, stroking his sweat-dampened skin. He hated talking about this, but his broken self-esteem wouldn’t leave it alone, the same way a dog chewed a bone until the ivory pieces rested in its stomach, acid slowly melting them into nothing.

“I know, Padfoot. I just… I don’t…” Remus took a deep breath, lungs filling with the scent of his friend and lover. When he spoke next, the words were barely louder than the breath leaving his chest. “Why me, Sirius? I’m not…” Worthy, beautiful, deserving, complete...

Sirius snorted and dug his nails in the soft flesh of Remus’ jaw, turning the other boys’ face towards his own, gray eyes meeting amber.

“I love you, Remus. What else do I need to say? We’ve talked about this before. I don’t care that you’re…” He floundered, his free hand flapping up and down.

Remus pulled his face away, tearing his gaze from his lovers’, the weight of shame settling heavily in his chest.

“That I’m poor, and a werewolf, and homeless, and that I’ll most likely die before I’m 35. How can you not care about these things, Sirius? It’s my life, it’s who I am.”

“No, it isn’t,” Sirius began vehemently, voice shaking with anger. “You’re brilliant, and a genius at Charms and Arithmancy, and you’re beautiful, and godammit, I love you.”

The breath caught in his throat, his body paralyzed. He was smart, he knew that; one only had to look at his marks and study ethic to know that. He wasn’t beautiful, unless one considered scars and pale skin and tall, lanky teenagers attractive. He had no money to his name, no home to call his own once he left Hogwarts in the summer. His parents had been killed in a Death Eater raid months ago, destroying his childhood home. His father had accumulated thousands of Galleons in debt, and the family land had had to be sold to cover most of it, the rest coming from the Lupin vault, leaving nothing but cobwebs behind. Remus only had a couple of Sickles and a photograph of himself with his parents from before he had left for Hogwarts at 11, the smiling faces a bitter memory.

His lycanthropy guaranteed that he would probably die in his mid-thirties, the wear and tear too much on his body. One could only break every bone in ones’ body and reform them so many times in ones’ lifetime before the struggle to be whole failed. He didn’t understand why Sirius stayed with him, why, of all things, Sirius loved him. Remus couldn’t offer anything but himself to the relationship, and even that wasn’t very much. He wouldn’t be able to procure work after school, no matter if he was top of his class and got all of his NEWTs.

He had been seeing Sirius since last years’ Easter holiday with no one the wiser. At first, they hadn’t told anyone because of how new it was, and because they had wanted something for themselves; they wanted to be RemusandSirius instead of The Marauders. Now, after nearly a year, it was still a secret, and Remus was unsure why that was.

He lowered his gaze to the blankets covering his belly, staring absently at a silver scar that bypassed his bellybutton.

“Why haven’t you told anyone, Sirius? Not even Prongs knows.”

Sirius huffed a breath, wrapping his hands around Remus’ shoulders and shaking him slightly.

“Of course I haven’t told anyone! Why would I?”

Ice trailed up his spine, freezing him from the inside. Oh. Of course. He should have been able to see this from the beginning. He offered Sirius a brittle smile and sat up, pulling away from the heat of Sirius’ embrace, feet landing on the cold stone floor. He shivered, but stood up, beginning to walk to his bed across the room.

“I’m going to bed, Sirius. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Of course, he thought again. Sirius might love him, but that said nothing about shame. He might say that he didn’t care about what Remus was, but he must, deep down. It made sense that the only thing keeping their relationship secret was Sirius’ shame for being with him. He was ashamed to be romantically involved with him, another boy and a werewolf.

He probably doesn’t love you either, not really. He just loves the idea of you, the constant sex, warm body, and convenient lover. He didn’t want to be with you in the beginning, remember? You had to beg and plead with him to kiss you, to see that you were meant to be together. This isn’t real, and you know it. It never is.

Halfway to his bed he stopped, shoulders tense, trying in vain to stop the tears threatening to spill. Everyone that loved him died or left him. He had never had anyone to call his own, and now that he did, it didn’t mean anything. He wiped at his eyes, frustrated with the tears. It took him a second to realize that he wasn’t alone, that Sirius was walking up to him, his heat thawing him without his permission. Hands landed on his shoulders, the palms damp, but fingers icy, a startling contrast on his own frozen skin.

“Remus? What did I say? Talk to me. What happened?”

He wanted to shake the hands from his shoulders, but his traitorous body began to lean back, wanting to touch the other boy one last time. After a minute of silence he moved away, severing the contact, taking a couple of steps closer to his bed. He hadn’t slept in it since New Years’. He drew in a deep breath, speaking past the lump in his throat.

“It’s okay, Sirius. I get it now. You’re ashamed of me-“

“WHAT?! Remus, what in Merlin’s balls are you talking about?” Sirius grasped his forearms and turned Remus around, forcing their gazes to meet.

“Don’t try to deny it! Why else haven’t you told James, at least? There is no other explanation! You’re ashamed of me and want to keep me a dirty secret, and you don’t really love me, even though you say that you do! It’s all a lie and I finally figured it out!” He whispered hysterically, blood pounding in his ears, the truth settling like a giant sitting on his chest, the pressure unbearable.

Sirius stepped closer, furious. He grasped Remus’ chin and shook him, gray eyes blazing. Here it comes, Remus thought absently, shutting down mentally, heart slowly breaking to millions of pieces in his chest. How, after this fell apart, would he put himself back together? Sirius’ next words broke through his barricades, and he was forced to listen when the heat behind the words began to melt his resistance.

“I am NOT ashamed of you, Remus Lupin. Were in the hell did you get an idea like that? I haven’t told anyone because I wanted to protect you, you berk!”

Remus stepped back again, eyes wide, heart beating madly in his chest. He shook his head, ridiculously confused.

“W-what? Protecting me? I don’t-“ He turned around, needing a moment to process what Sirius had said. He pressed shaking fingers to his temples, body trembling.

“Moony. Remus. Look at me.” Sirius pleaded, whispering.
He shook his head, unable to face his lover. Gods, he was an idiot. He had almost done something foolish, had almost lost what was most precious to him.

“I don’t understand…” he murmured, thoughts twirling in his head, vision unfocused.

Sirius pressed his body against Remus’ back, hands coming around the front to curl over his chest, palms cupping his pectorals. He shivered, absently noting that they were both naked.

“You’re a werewolf, Moony. That’s a stigma you already have. I didn’t want to add the fact that you’re involved with the ex-heir of the House of Black, a man. You don’t need that pressure from society. I wanted to make your life easier after school. I want you to be able to live to the fullest without our relationship dragging you down. I’ve never been ashamed of you. Gods, Moony, I love you.”

All he could do was breathe, shivering. That made sense, in a Sirius kind of way. He always protected those he loved above everything else. Now that Remus knew the truth, he felt guilty for thinking the worst of his friend. It made sense now, but he wasn’t sure how to go about rectifying his ridiculous mistake.

“Fuck, Moony. I’ve wanted to tell James and Evans and Peter and bloody Dumbledore since the beginning. I want to scream my love from the towers, claim you publically. But I haven’t. I don’t want to make life harder for you, Moony. I’m not ashamed of you. Please believe me. Please, Remus.”

“Gods,” he breathed, shock and shame warring inside his heart. “Padfoot… I’m an idiot. Oh, Merlin…” He began to cry again, tears streaking down his cheeks, dropping to land against Sirius’ hands. He gasped, his lungs desperate for oxygen, knees weakening, Sirius the only thing holding him up. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I-“

“Shhh. I know. Silly wolf.” Sirius rubbed their cheeks together, stubble rasping against stubble, his voice and touch soothing Remus’ fractured soul. “It’s ok. I should have told you. I thought you knew. Shhh…”

Remus cried for what felt like hours, his heart rebuilding with every tear that fell. He finally drew in a shuddering breath, arms wrapped around his chest, overlapping Sirius’. The Animagus crooned nonsense in his ear, rocking the two of them side to side.

“I love you.” Remus whispered brokenly, the words loud in the hush of the dorm.

Sirius froze behind him. Remus had never said those words aloud. He had thought them, hundreds of thousands of times, but had been afraid to say them. He hadn’t wanted to pressure Sirius into anything, hadn’t wanted to make their relationship difficult. He should have said them sooner, though. He wasn’t the only one with a bruised self-esteem, even if the other boy never showed it.

“What?” Sirius breathed, arms tightening around Remus’ chest.

“I love you,” he repeated. “I always have.”

Sirius shuddered, the motion causing Remus to do the same. He became aware of the erection pressing against his buttocks, of the nails digging into his flesh. He moaned, leaning back against Sirius’ chest, grinding his hips against the hard flesh.

“Moony… You’ve never said… I didn’t know… Gods.” Sirius rocked his hips, cock slipping between Remus’ cheeks, sticky and hot against his shivering flesh.

Remus groaned, shimmying his hips the way he knew Sirius liked, the other boys’ erection pressing against his quivering opening. Sirius groaned as well, nails biting into the flesh around Remus’ nipples, the werewolf’s breath hitching in desire.

“Again,” the Animagus growled, slowly rubbing his damp cock over Remus’ hole.

It took Remus a moment to figure out what he wanted, but his frazzled mind pulled three words from its depths and whispered them.

“I love you.”

Sirius moaned and pressed against the back of Remus’ knees, forcing the other boy to the floor. The stone was cold, but that only added to his arousal. Sirius was draped across his back, his weight pushing Remus to his hands and knees. He groaned again, pumping his hips back and forth, striving for friction. His cock swayed with the motions, swollen and red, leaking copious amount of pre-come. Sirius laved his tongue up his throat, saliva cooling in the air, teeth nipping his earlobe.

Sirius said a few words in Latin, Remus unable to comprehend their meaning until he felt a cool slickness inside of his hole, the liquid dripping down his thighs. He moaned loudly as a second spell stretched him, the other boy too aroused to use fingers to prepare him. Sirius’ cock probed his entrance, slipping in the lube.

“I’m going to fuck you, Moony. I’m going to ram my cock inside of you so hard you scream. Then I’m going to come, and you’ll be able to feel it drip down your legs, be able to fucking taste it.” At the last word, Sirius did as promised and slammed in, cock pushing through resistant tissue until his balls pressed against Remus’, the boys groaning.

Remus was so full. He tried to push back, tried to get the other boy to move. He felt bruised and sore, but it was a delicious pain, was exactly what he needed. Sirius pulled out, his bulbous cockhead the only part left inside, hands gripping Remus’ hips to keep him still.

“Sirius… Please…” he begged, head hanging low, hair falling into his eyes, gasping for breath.

Sirius pumped his hips, his cock moving further inside with each thrust until his hips were against Remus’ buttocks.

“Gods. Moony, you’re so hot, so fucking tight…” He began to thrust in earnest, groaning.

“Sirius,” Remus whined, incredibly turned on. He pushed his hips back, meeting the thrusts, his own cock bobbing and jerking with the motions.

He wanted to touch himself, but Sirius leaned all of his weight on him and without using both hands for balance, they would collapse to the floor. He threw his head back when a particularly harsh thrust brushed his prostate, a feral moan leaving his mouth. Sirius bit into his shoulder, teeth clenched tightly around his flesh, and angled his hips to repeatedly hit that spot deep inside him.

“Fuck. Fuck, you feel so good. I want you to come, Moony. I want to feel you clench around my cock as you scream, want you to say my name.” Sirius panted, jerking his hips with each word, his hard cock battering Remus’ insides, leaving invisible marks that claimed the werewolf as much as his words did.

“Oh, fuck. Padfoot. Gods, Padfoot. Please. Fuck, please.”
Sirius’ cock continued to assault him, the pleasure coalescing in his spine, white-hot and scorching, forcing ragged breaths from his lungs. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, could only thrust back and moan, arch his back and groan.

“I’m going to come, Moony. Going to fill you up. Oh, fuck. Come, Remus. Now.” Sirius’ hips jerked erratically, and the other boy knew that he was close. Sirius’ breath hitched in his throat, his chest shuddering against Remus’ back, echoing Remus’ gasping breaths.

“Oh, Gods. Sirius, I love you. Sirius.” Remus moaned and gave one last thrust back, arching his back as white-hot heat spiraled down his spine and through his balls, his cock exploding without being touched; the assault on his prostate too much for him. He let out a breathless scream, clenching his internal muscles around Sirius’ thick cock, overwhelmed.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Remus!” Sirius threw his head back, the grip on Remus’ hips sure to leave finger-shaped bruises behind.

Sirius groaned, pumping his hips faster, ramming Remus’ prostate with each inward stroke, the pleasure melding into pain. Remus could feel the other boys’ cock swell and spurt inside of him, hot come bathing his insides, and when he swallowed to get air into his lungs, he swore that he could taste it, as promised. Sirius came and came, moaning and growling his name, the two syllables the sexiest thing Remus had ever heard.

When it was over, and Remus could think again, he was aware of the weight on his back, of the come dripping down his thighs to mingle with lube, of a lightness in his chest that hadn’t been there before. He could hear James and Peter snoring in their beds, and was glad that the other boys could sleep through anything. He could feel Sirius breathing atop him, their sweat running together and onto the floor to mix in a cool puddle. He tightened his muscles around the half-hard cock still inside of him to get Sirius’ attention. The other boy gasped brokenly, shivering, and thrust once, causing more come to slide from Remus’ still-quivering hole.

“Mmm, Moony. That was perfect.” Sirius nuzzled his ear, lips brushing the shell, sending shivers through the other boys’ exhausted body. Sirius kissed his cheek, mouth tender and loving. “I love you, Remus.”

Remus smiled softly, turning his head to meet Sirius’ lips, brushing a gentle kiss against the other boys’ mouth. They shared a tender kiss that was meant to sooth more than arouse, and when they parted, both of them had dazed smiles adorning their faces. Sirius slowly moved away, his cock slipping free of Remus’ body, the other boy shuddering at the action. They carefully stood up and stumbled to the closest bed, leaning on one another for support.

Remus collapsed atop his bed, pulling Sirius with him, chuckling as the boy landed on his chest and cuddled close, one leg thrown over his thighs, head resting in the curve of Remus’ shoulder and neck. Remus laid his hand on the small of Sirius’ back, rubbing circles into the damp skin. They lay together, dozing in the quiet of the dorm, breath evening, bodies pressed together. After nearly thirty minutes, Remus was certain that the other boy was asleep, but was proven wrong when Sirius spoke, swirling a finger around Remus’ left nipple.

“I’m going to tell Prongs in the morning. I want him to know. I love you, Moony.”

Remus grinned, so happy he felt that his heart would burst. He tightened his arm around Sirius, and brushed a kiss against his black hair.

“That’ll be brilliant. I love you too. Gods, I love you so much. I’m sorry that I didn’t say anything sooner, Padfoot.”

Sirius lifted his head, hand abandoning the nipple and grasping Remus’ chin, turning his head so their eyes met. He smiled crookedly, love shining in his gaze.

“It’s ok, Moony. I’m glad that you told me. I was so afraid that this was one-sided, that it was all in my head. I know better now though, and that’s what matters.”

Remus felt tears welling in his eyes again, though the reason wasn’t because of pain and anguish this time. He smiled as well, running his fingers through Sirius’ soft hair. He leaned down for another kiss, lips brushing together in comfort, fingers moving down to cup Sirius’ nape. He pulled back after a few minutes, breathing heavily, amber eyes hooded and half-mast, cock hardening against Sirius’ thigh. Sirius smirked, closed his eyes, and tilted his head up to meet Remus’ descending mouth.

As Remus kissed the boy curled around him, he forgot about his troubles, about his doubts. He was in love and was loved in return, and nothing else mattered. His life would work itself out, and he would be ok. Finally, for the first time in his life, he was whole.

~fin