Christmas Detectives

Christmas Detectives.

December, 25th, 2000;

Harry and Draco sat beside each other on the Weasley's threadbare couch, and looked over the family in front of them. They would be leaving in a few minutes, as Christmas was winding down, and Boxing Day was coming tomorrow.

As Harry quickly looked over at Draco, and then turned back to the people in the room, he thought back to earlier that morning, and still tried to put the pieces together.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

'Here it is, Christmas bloody morning, and I'm having to track down my wayward best friend', Harry thought, as he looked at the cheap motel in front of him.

"Harry, you know we have to go in there and get him". Draco said, as he took in the scene, with a sneer upon his face. The utter distaste of the cheap motel could be clearly seen in his grimace.

"I'm gonna' kill Ron, that's what I'm going to do". Harry stated, as he started walking toward door number fourteen.

As both Auror's drew their wands, Harry gave his a quick flick, and with a muttered spell, the door unlocked.

When the two prized Auror's stepped inside, it almost turned their stomach's. There was Ron, on his knees, with his head over the toilet, and he was violently puking up the contents of his stomach.

On the bed, the two noticed, was an older woman, that could only be described as an old Hag. Thank goodness the sheets covered her crotch at least, but they didn't hide her sagging tits, nor her legs. That was the deal though, wasn't it, those ugly, varicose veined legs. Plus, it didn't do her any better, in that she looked like she hadn't had a bath in over a year.

"Oh Ronnie, I really do think you jarred something loose up inside me"! The Hag cackled.

"Yaaaaaaak"! Ron gagged, and then dry heaved, after looking over at the Hag on the bed. "Yaaaaaaaaak, Oh Merlin, please help me".

"Now Ronnie, you know it wasn't that bad, now was it". The Hag giggled, after she spread her index and middle fingers apart, placed them in a "V" over her lips, and wiggled her tongue through them at the retching redhead.

At this, Draco finally found is tongue, and whispered over to Harry, "Is those Orangutan titties? They are, look, they're all hanging flat, pointy, and big long nipples on them, just look".

Just as Harry nodded in agreement, the other two occupants noticed the two Auror's entry into their room.

"Harry! Oh shite, thank Merlin you're here"! Ron ground out, and then heaved again.

"Yea, yes, I'm coming Ron". Harry said, as he started to walk towards the door to the loo. "Draco, see if you can find out what happened, while I take care of this gagging dick-weed".

"Uh, madam, who are you"? Draco asked, in his most professional voice.

"Morganna Stump, I am"! The Hag announced, and let out a giggle. "Ronnie and I came here last night for a little after-hours party of our own. Fucked me right well, he did, and then what he done with my arse, I tell you, why I'll not shite right for a week"!

Draco had to swallow down the bile rising in his throat at this, as he, again, looked over the woman in the bed. After he got a good eye-full, he surveyed the room. On the bedside table, was an empty bottle of Old Ogden’s Fire Whisky, and it was the cheap stuff, he noticed, mind you, with the black label. He also noticed that there were no condom wrappers anywhere, which meant that their little 'Ronnie' had ridden the old Hag bareback.

"Auror Malfoy is it"? The Hag asked, and at Draco's nod, she plowed on. "I was wondering whether you and Auror Potter would show up looking for your little friend this morning, or not".

When she had finished her spill, and just as Draco started to retort, she lifted her left leg, and an awful noise erupted from, what Draco thought, was he arse. "Braaaaaaaaaaap"!

Draco turned white as a sheet, or really whiter than he already was, and a horrified look came across his face. After covering his nose with the lapel of his Auror robes, and waiting for 'Ronnie' to dry heave again, over the foul fart, he quickly spoke. "Uh, Harry, I'll just be outside, yea? Just get the arsehole dressed, and I'll meet you out by the sidewalk". With a quick wafting wave of his hand in front of his nose, he stepped outside, and quickly shut the door.

It took another ten minutes, but Harry finally emerged from room number fourteen with a sulking, and sick, redhead in tow.

"Oh Merlin, Mione's gonna' kill me, I just know it". Ron whined. "I dunno' what I'll tell her when I see her".

"Well, 'Ronnie', it better be good, as you'll have to explain why you had your tongue up an old Hag's arse"! Draco exclaimed.

After a few more dry heaves over the side of the sidewalk, Ron finally straightened up, and looked at the blonde and brunet Auror’s. "I'm royally screwed, ain’t I"?

"Well, you was, but that's beside the point now, isn't it? Now, I'm going to take our little, 'Ronnie', by side-along, back to the WWW, and I'll meet you back at the Burrow, Draco". Harry said, with all the disgust he could muster. He then looked around to see if anyone was watching, and after finding nobody was, he grabbed Ron by the arm, and with a loud crack, they disapparated on the spot.

Draco, though, thought he would stick around for a little while. He drew a cigarette from his pocket, and lit it with the tip of his wand. He then walked over to where the side door to the office was located, and kept his eyes on room fourteen.

'What a way to spend Christmas day'. The blonde Auror thought, as he blew out a puff of smoke, hung his head, pinched his nose, and squinted his eyes. As soon as he did this, he noticed several different coloured flashes of light from inside room fourteen, and one, he was sure, was green.

"Shit"! Draco growled, and began to make his way back to the room. He knew that the Hag had done magic, but the green light scared him. As he got within ten feet of the door, it opened, and out stepped Hermione Weasley. "What the fuck"?

"Draco"! Hermione almost shouted with surprise. "Well you see, I uh, well that is....., well, I'll see you back at the Burrow, so bye"! She exclaimed, and quickly disapparated away.

Draco quickly ran back inside the room. There was no Hag anywhere, not on the bed, nor under it. He looked everywhere, and couldn't find as much as a hair of the Hag anywhere. The room was spotless, and no traces of the night before could be seen anywhere he looked. "Oh God, she's killed her, and banished the body"!

Draco disapparated from the room, and went back to the Burrow.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"What have you got there, Harry"? George Weasley asked, as he put the final cleaning charm on his apartment, that they had had the Christmas party in last night. "Is that my little Ronnikins you have there with you"?

"Uh, listen, George, Ron's in a heap of shite. He did something last night, that he shouldn't have done, and it was really bad". Harry explained.

George turned pale at this, and that made his freckles stick out like a sore thumb. "He didn't kill her did he"?

"WHAT"? Harry shouted. "I mean, you knew he left with that Hag last night"? At the redheads nod, he plowed on. "No, he didn't murder anybody, but from what I saw, he did sleep with the fugally skank"!

George deflated like the air leaving a balloon at this. "Thank Merlin, is that all"?

"Is that ALL"? Harry shouted again.

"Yes, well, we need to get him over to mum and dad's, yea"? George stated, as he took Ron by the arm, and started to lead him to the door.

"Wait, I need a hangover potion George, and I mean really bad". Ron whined.

"Sorry my little Ronnikins, but I'm fresh out. You'll have to wait until we get to mum and dad's, alright". George replied, as he led Ron outside to the sidewalk of Diagon Alley, along with a flustered Auror behind them. "I'll take him side-along Harry, and you follow".

Harry stared at the two brothers, his mouth hanging agape, and watched as they disapparated away. With a shake of his head, he followed.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE"! Molly Weasley screeched out, making Ron's head feel like it was about to explode.

"Oh Merlin, mum, not so friggin' loud, eh"? Ron replied, as he swallowed back the heave he felt coming. "I think someone put somthin' in my drink last night".

"Ron, you polished off several drinks at the party, and left with a whole bottle of Ogden's, so I doubt it was something like that". George explained with a straight face.

Harry looked around the room, and saw that Molly's back was now to them, her shoulder's shaking, and if he knew she wasn't most likely crying, he would of thought that she was stifling a laugh. Arthur Weasley sat in his recliner, with a pinched expression upon his face, and Ginny, who was sitting in the corner, was actually grinning! 'How fucked up is that'? Harry thought, and then heard someone pound on the front door.

"I'll get it Molly, you take it easy". Harry said, as he hurried over to the door. When he swung it open, he was grabbed by the collar, and quickly pulled outside.

"Harry"! Draco hissed. "I ran into Hermione, coming out of that room, and that was after several spells were fired off! She didn't explain anything, plus, she was acting really nervous, and then she disapparated back here, or so she said she did anyhow. Harry, I believe she killed that old Hag, and banished the body"!

"WHAT"? Harry shouted.

"Calm down for a moment, and let me think, all right"? Draco stated. "I waited a while after you left, and I noticed several flashes of light through the rooms window, and one of them was fucking green Harry! When I got to the door, Hermione stepped out. I think she tracked Ron there, and thinking we had left, she showed up, and killed the Hag. After she disapparated, I went inside, saw that the room had been cleaned, and there was no evidence anywhere"!

"No, no, no, no, she couldn't, I mean, she wouldn't, would she"? Harry stuttered out.

"RONALD WEASLEY"! Hermione wailed. "I'm going to break your friggin’ neck, I am, because NOBODY cheats on me"!

"Holy shite"! Harry cried out. "Come on Draco, let's see what this is about. I never saw her come back"!

When both Auror's ran back inside, the scene floored them both. Ron was sitting back in the couch, his eyes wide, and he was the palest that both had ever seen him. Right between his eyes, was a wand, and it belonged to none other than Hermione Weasley née Granger, his pissed off wife.

"I should curse your bollocks off, Ronald, so give me one reason why I shouldn't"? Hermione cried.

"Uh, uh, uh, well you see, it's like this, well, I was drunk Mione, and you know how I get....".

"ENOUGH"! Hermione bellowed, and Molly had to turn her back to the room again, and her shoulders started to tremble.

Finally, Draco come out of his shocked stupor, quickly drew his wand, and aimed it with precision at the pissed off wife. "Hermione Weasley, put down the wand, NOW! You are under arrest, for the suspected murder of a Mrs. Morganna Stump. You will come with us, quietly, back to the Ministry for questioning"!

At Draco's declaration, and Harry's sudden attention, everyone froze, and you could have heard a pin drop. Finally, in what seemed like several minutes, Arthur Weasley clapped his hands together, gaining everyone’s attention.

"All right, all right, everyone calm down, the gig is up. It's gotten too serious now, so we all have to come clean". Arthur explained.

Harry and Draco looked around the room, and noticed that Molly had turned back around, and was wiping tears from her eyes, and they were tears from laughter at that, and not sorrow. Ginny was rolling with laughter, in her chair in the corner, while George was belting out great guffaws of mirth. Arthur was grinning from ear to ear, and Hermione was giggling! 'Well, now that was just not on', Harry thought, as poor old Ron looked totally bewildered.

"Well, you see Harry, and Draco of course, we set Ron up". Hermione explained, as she set an empty bottle on the table, along with a small black plastic box. In her hand, she held an even smaller black box, upon which was a small orange button. When everyone’s attention was on the smaller box in her hand, her thumb pressed down on the button. "Braaaaaaaap"! The larger black box farted. "Does that jog your memory Draco"?

"That was you? That’s one of those fart machines, isn’t it? Draco asked, surprised. "I take it that that is Polyjuice, or was, that was in the bottle"?

"Got it in one, Draco, and that is why you're such a good Auror. You pick things up very quickly". Hermione explained.

"WHAT"? Ron and Harry shouted.

"Well, let me see if I can recreate the crime scene, shall I"? Draco asked. "I think that, Hermione, made sure to get your dear friend, Ronald here, entirely sloshed off his arse last night at the Christmas party, and got him to leave. She then consumed Polyjuice potion, thus changing herself into an old Hag, and then rented a cheap motel room. Once inside, she had her wicked way with her husband, and our dear Ronald passed out. Early this morning, Hermione imbibed some more potion, turning herself back into the hag, and woke our friend up. It totally disgusted him, and upon having a severe hangover on top of it all, made him deathly ill. Hermione acted her part well, after we showed up, and the more I think about it, I think she knew we would". Draco explained, and Hermione nodded her head for him to continue.

"You see Harry, while you were tending to Ron, the old Hag farted, and I had to step outside". Draco said, as he scrunched up his nose. "You then brought Ron out, and left, but I stayed behind a moment to watch the room. Here though, I don't think Hermione expected this to happen"? Draco asked, and at her nod, he went on with the explanation. "I spooked Hermione, when I caught her leaving, and she didn't know that I saw her magic flash through the window, to the point that I thought she had murdered the Old Hag. Then, I disapparated here, after I had a look inside the room. Now, that is what I think happened from the evidence that I now have".

"Very good, Draco, right on top as always. Really, Harry, you would do well to learn his methods". Hermione commented, and at Harry's scowl, she finished. "You see, my dear husband has been pulling off too many pranks on the lot of us, and we all got together, to show him that he could have one pulled on him too".

"And, why wasn't Draco and I informed of this"? Harry asked.

"Harry, you couldn't keep a secret like this from Ron if you tried, and we knew you couldn't, so we didn't tell you. If we told Draco, and he acted like he was holding back a secret, then you would have nagged your poor boyfriend to death until he spilled. So, we didn't inform either of you about it". George answered for the young witch.

"Oh, it made it better if you ask me"! Ginny said. "You should have seen the looks on you two's faces, at what was occurring around you earlier". She finished with a loud laugh.

"You mean, you mean, I didn't sleep with an old Hag"? Ron whimpered, as he held his head to keep it from exploding.

"No sweetie, now have a hangover potion". Hermione said, as she reached him a small phial from her robe pocket.

"Wait a minute, wait just a minute! We, we, well, we saw your, well you know, tits"! Harry stuttered out.

“Harry”! Molly hissed, quite appalled at the comment.

"No you didn't Harry, you saw an old Hag's…, what was it Draco called them, oh yes, Orangutan titties"! Hermione exclaimed with a laugh. "Remember Harry, when we did your rescue from the Dursley's, and we all drank Polyjuice"? At Harry's nod, she soldiered on. "Well, we all saw your bits while we dressed as you too"!

"WHAT"! Draco yelled.

"It's OK, my Dragon, that's old news, that's all". Harry stated, as he quickly pulled Draco into a comforting hug. "They all used Polyjuice that time to fool Voldemort, remember"?

"Yea, but those are my bits, and I'm the only one allowed to see them"! Draco espoused with a pout.

"Well, if it's any consolation, they never saw it hard"! Harry whispered, and Draco grinned a great, toothy, grin.

"And you, you little shite, are you going to pull any more pranks on any of us"? Harry snarled.

"Wha..., uh, no, no, I'm finished, thank you very much. I still can’t get the image outta my head of that hag flickin' her tongue between her fingers, oh Hell"! Ron exclaimed, and leapt from his seat, only to shove his head into the small trash bin by the fireplace, and vomit again.

"Thought not"! Hermione exclaimed.

"All right, everyone, it's about time for the rest of the family to get here, so go get cleaned up, and we'll have a late breakfast, then open our presents"! Molly cheerfully said, and walked into the kitchen.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"You my lover, are one kinky little shite, aren't you"? Draco asked, as he caught his breath from having the best sex he had had in a long while.

"Oh, I could be kinkier, you know". Harry moaned, as he rolled off his lover, and onto his back. "I could have used Polyjuice, and turned into that Hag.

"Oh, fuck no, Hell no"! Draco exclaimed, with a giggle. "Now let's get to sleep, shall we"?

"Come here". Harry said, as he spooned up behind Draco. "Goodnight, my sweet, brave, Dragon".

"Goodnight Harry, you're the best", and Draco closed his eyes, and fell into a steady slumber.

Just outside, on the door, a screw broke loose on the old, rusty, number fourteen, and it turned on it's side.

The 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle, had a picture of a Santa hat upon it, and read; "Merry Christmas To All, And To All A Goodnight"!


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