The Aftermath

Disclaimer: I do not own, or claim to own, Harry Potter. All characters, and other related texts, are the intellectual property of J.K Rowling, and or her associates as the copyright holders. I have made no money from the publishing of this story.

Warning: If you don't like good toilet humor, don't read this fic. If you have not read 'The Dinner', you will not understand some of this, so you should read it first.

The Aftermath.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Harry Potter was a sound sleeper, but after the night before, he fidgeted around, and woke several times. Finally, he woke for good at 7:00 in the morning. He looked over at his lover, and Draco was still asleep. Harry reached for his glasses, scratched his arse, and crawled out of bed, ready to perform his morning routine.

Harry started to walk across their bedroom, and noticed he had a small limp from his big toe being sore, but he thought nothing of it. He scratched his head, yawned, and proceeded to go to the loo. He opened the door, took one step inside, and the smell brought back the awful memories from the night before. Quickly, he jumped back, and slammed the door shut. His eyes bulging, as he dragged in several lungful’s of fresh air.

At the resounding slam, Draco Malfoy woke from a good nights sleep. He had been dreaming that he was the owner of the factory that made Tums, and was rolling in money, hand over fist. Needless to say, he was pissed off about being woken from such a pleasant dream.

"Harry, what the Hell"? Draco exclaimed.

"I, I, I, well, I just walked into the loo"! Harry stuttered out. "I forgot about that THING still being in there".

"What thing? OH, that thing, yea". Draco replied with a smirk. "Never thought I had it in me".

"Oh, you had it in you all right, and as a matter of fact, you were full of it"! Harry complained. "What the Hell are we going to do about THAT"?

"You can say it Harry, it won't kill you. It's not a 'That', so say it with me, T-U-R-D, Turd". Draco replied.

"Oh you're really funny, you are. All right, what are we going to do about that TURD in the toilet"? Harry asked with a growl.

"Well, I can assure you of one thing, it won't be me to handle it! I don't know how to fix a muggle toilet, with all that 'plas-teek' plumbing. Every time I try to cast a repairing charm on that muggle 'plas-teek', it melts. So, you'll just have to bite the muggle bullet and do it". Draco nonchalantly replied.

"The Hell I will"! Harry shouted. "You saw what that did to my vulnerable tummy last night, and I will not do it"!

"But, Harry, somebody HAS to, and we both know I can't, I just can't". Draco said, as he shook his head.

"Well, what about one of those muggle plumbers"? Harry asked.

"I will not have some muggle, that we don't even know, mind you, to come into our home and look at my shite"! Draco expounded as he crawled out of bed, still naked. "Where are my boxers? Oh, yea, I remember now, never mind".

"Well, Hermione and Ron are supposed to be over at 10:00, so maybe I'll have Ron to do it". Harry said, as he watched Draco take out a clean pair of boxer shorts, and shimmy into them.

"Weasley"? Draco replied with a snort. "We would be lucky to have a toilet left, and believe me, I don't fancy walking downstairs, all the time, to go to the loo"!

"Well, Hermione then". Harry stated, as if it was all settled.

"Harry, you would send your best friend in there, and her being a girl at that, to un-stop our shitter? I highly doubt she'll be pleased with the job". Draco deadpanned.

"Well, let's just go downstairs, get freshened up, eat, and wait on them to get here. We'll continue to discuss it then, ok"? Harry said, as he reached for his breeches laying on the floor.

"All right, but I have first dibs on the loo"! Draco exclaimed, as he bolted out of their bedroom, and down the stairs.

"Goddamn it Draco! You'd better hurry, as I've not pissed yet, and I have to go pretty quick"! Harry yelled after the running blonde.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Harry walked down the stairs to wait for Draco to finish in the loo, when he spied the same umbrella from the night before, sitting by the front door. He whimpered at the sight, and knew it had to be taken out to the dumpster. He pinched his nose with one hand, walked over to the offending article, and proceeded to pick it up with two fingers, as if it were the foulest thing on earth. With a huge grimace, he opened the front door, and hurried outside.

It was December now, and it had already snowed a few times. By the time Harry made it to the dumpster, and deposited the soiled umbrella, he knew he should have put a shirt on. As he turned around to walk back inside, he spotted an old woman walking toward him. She was dressed in a heavy, long, black, overcoat, with a fur collar. She had a leash in her hand, and on the other end was a Schnauzer dog, that she was taking for its morning walk.

Harry noticed the old woman staring at him, and she had a slight smirk on her face. When he followed her line of sight, he noticed that she was staring at his chest. He looked himself over, and noticed that his nipples had turned hard!

"The damn crazy old bitch is looking at my bloody nipples'! Harry thought, as he quickly cupped his hands over his breasts, and ran back inside, slamming the front door behind him. 'The old crow favors Neville Longbottom's grandmother', Harry thought, and that really freaked the young wizard out.

As the cold started to wear off, Harry started to squirm where he stood. He had to take a piss really bad, and he was almost ready to start crossing his legs, to hold it in.

"The Hell with this"! Harry mumbled. "I'll just walk in on Draco, and I don't give a flying Hippogriff shite if he's finished or not".

Harry walked around the corner, to where the downstairs loo was, just off the hall. He started to knock, but decided to just go on in. He opened the door, and froze in shock at what he saw.

Harry would have never imagined it, but there was his lover, Draco Malfoy, with his index finger shoved up his right nostril. It looked as if he was drilling for oil, what with his finger buried up to the first knuckle. Harry cocked his head to the side, as he watched his lover twist his finger first right, then left. He stood there watching for what seemed like several minutes, before breaking himself out of his trance.

"Uh-Hm"! Harry cleared his throat.

When Draco heard this, he yanked his finger out of his nose, and hid his hand behind his back, just as he turned from the mirror to face Harry. "Um, Harry, didn't hear you there".

Harry cocked his head to the other side to study Draco, as when he had removed his finger, he had pulled out something, that was currently stuck to his upper lip.

"Bo...., bo, bo, bo, bo...., bo". Harry muttered, and then pointed at Draco. "Bo...., bo......, bo, bo, BOGGIE"!

Draco's eyes flew widely open, and he quickly turned around to look at himself in the mirror. "AHHHHHHH"!

After Draco's blood curdling yell, he leapt over the toilet to grab some of the triple-quilted, three ply, toilet paper, just like they had in their upstairs bathroom. He gripped the paper, giving it a tug, and again, only got one square.

"What the bloody fuck is wrong with this bloody paper"! Draco exclaimed, as he kept tugging off the little squares of paper. "This shite unrolled fine yesterday morning"!

Finally, after he got enough paper in his hand to satisfy him, he quickly wiped off his upper lip, all the while keeping his back to Harry. Then, as he threw the paper into the toilet bowl, the lid slammed shut, snapping at him. At this, Draco jumped back, and pulled his wand.

"Did you see that"! Draco yelled. "The bloody toilet tried to eat my hand"! He then reached forward, and gave the lid a couple of pokes with his wand.

"Oh bloody Hell, Draco, you probably just hit the lid and caused it to shut". Harry said, as he walked around Draco, and raised the lid. "See, there's nothing wrong, and I have to piss".

Harry un-did the buttons on his pyjama bottoms, and tugged his half-hardened cock out. He took aim, and began to piss.

Draco stood there and watched Harry, and watched, and watched, and watched. 'Goddamn, how big of a bladder does he have'? Draco thought.

As soon as the last few drops came from Harry, he shook his cock a couple of times, and as the last drop hit the water, the toilet 'snapped' again.

"AHHHHHHH"! Harry and Draco both yelled. "What the fuck Draco, you're doing that, I know it"!

Draco looked at Harry with his mouth agape. "I did not, I tell you! That bloody toilet is possessed"!

"Oh bloody Hell"! Harry remarked, as he proceeded to raise the lid again. This time though, the lid didn't wait, and it snapped shut so hard, that it split the lid.

Harry and Draco looked at each other, then back down at the toilet, and finally, ran out of the loo, slamming the door behind them.

"What the bloody fucking Hell is going on around here"? Draco asked, with a quiver in his voice.

"I don't know, Draco, but we'll wait until Hermione gets here, and get her opinion on the matter". Harry remarked, as he stared at the door to the loo. "Come on, let's have some tea while we wait on them".

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Harry and Draco had just taken a sip of their third cup of tea, when the fire in the hearth grew and turned green. In the next second, Hermione Weasley, along with her husband, Ronald Weasley, stepped out of the fire. At this, both Harry and Draco stood to greet their houseguests. After the formalities were over, they each took a seat. Harry and Draco sat on the couch, close enough that their legs were tipping, and they held each other’s hand, nervously.

Hermione Weasley née Granger was a smart woman, and noticed the couple’s nervous discomfort right off the bat. "All right, you guys, spill it. I know something’s wrong".

"Well, you see.... ". Harry started, but Draco cut him off.

"What Harry is trying to say is, that we have a problem, and that we were wondering if one of you two would help us with it"? Draco finished.

"Well, what ever this 'problem' is, it must be a doozy, for you two to be acting the way you are". Ron stated.

"Well", Harry said, as he squirmed in his seat, "you see, we have a problem with the upstairs loo".

"And"? Hermione coached.

"Well, it's sort of stopped up, and I can't fix it". Harry said, and as he saw Hermione start to say something, he soldiered on. "Look, you know how my stomach is, and I have to say, that I have never smelled something so vile in my life. We were both sick from it last night. So, can you please help us"?

"Yes, Harry's right. See, I can't hardly fix anything muggle that uses that 'plas-teek'", Draco said, and heard Hermione correct it by saying 'plastic', so he chose to ignore her, and continued, "and when I try a repairing, or mending charm, I always melt the stuff. So, I won't be able to do it".

"Did either of you try banishing it"? Hermione asked.

"Well no". Both wizards stated, and embarrassingly looked down at their feet. They never did offer to do it either.

"Oh come on, it can't be that bad"! Ron exclaimed. "After all, I have dropped some true stinkers in my time"!

"Ronald"! Hermione reprimanded.

"I'll do it! Ron said. "It shouldn't take just a second, and I'll be right back". Then, he stood, and left the room.

They could all hear him go up the stairs, and the floor creak as he went into their bedroom. Finally, they heard a door open, then shut, and it wasn't fifteen seconds later, that they heard the same door slam shut again. Next, they heard feet running down the stairs, and the front door fly open. At this, they all three stood, and hurried into the entry hall.

Ronald Weasley had NEVER smelled anything like that, or saw anything like it in his entire life. He just couldn't wrap his mind around it, as he stood with his head hanging out the front door, and taking in big gaping breaths. Right before he started to come back inside and close the door, he saw an old lady, who was walking her dog, stare at him, but he thought nothing of it.

"Who did THAT"? Ron exclaimed.

"Draco". Harry stated, short and to the point.

"You're shittin me mate! How could somethin' like that come outta' him"? Ron asked, and it seemed that he was in awe of the blonde wizard. "What in the bloody hell did you eat"?

"RONALD"! Hermione hissed.

"Well, it could save a blokes life Mione! I mean, what if some bloke ate the same thing, and while sitting on the shitter, he passed out, and cracked his head on the edge of the sink, or something"! Ron explained. "So, what did you eat Draco"?

"Well, we went south of the border, you know, to the Bell". Draco explained.

Ron paled at this, as that was one of his favorite muggle places to stuff his face. "Well, what now"?

"Oh honestly, you three, it can't be that bad"! Hermione exclaimed, and was startled by the looks the three gave her. "All right, I'll have to do it myself, I see".

"Wait Mione, I can't let you go up there"! Ron shouted. "You might not come back"!

"Ffffft" Hermione hissed, then turned, and stomped over to the cupboard under the stairs. She then opened the slant-top door, reached inside, and grabbed a washcloth for her only weapon, besides her wand. Finally, with pure determination showing on her face, she stormed the stairs, her nose snorting like a bull, with the same look that she had carried when dueling a Death Eater. They heard her make the same trip that Ron had, and then heard the bathroom door open and close.

From upstairs, they heard a few bumps, and loud bangs, presumably from some spells, and finally, they heard a loud shriek. As Ron started to run upstairs, they heard the door slam shut again, and Hermione hurry toward the stairs.

When Hermione got to the bottom, the young witch was white as a sheet. Her hair was frizzed out more than usual, and her bottom lip was pouted out, looking as if she may cry. She looked around the hall, and saw her husband standing with his arms out, and an understanding look upon his face. At this, she quickly ran to him, and nuzzled her head against his shoulder, where she started to cry.

Ron reached up to run his fingers through her hair, but it was mostly to get the frizzy hair out of his face. As he patted her on the back, he whispered several things to her, and she finally calmed down somewhat. "Come on Mione, let's go back in and set down, then you can tell us all about it, eh"?

At her nod, the four walked back into the sitting room, and took their seats. When Hermione finally looked up, with tear stained eyes, she found all three wizards staring at her.

"It, it, it...... Hermione started, but choked with a sob.

"It what Mione? You can tell us". Ron sympathized.

"Well, it, it, moved"! Hermione explained.

"What"!?! All three wizards exclaimed at the same time.

"It's like I said, that thing moved"! Hermione said again, at their disbelieving faces.

"All right, Hermione, I'll tell you like I told Harry. I mean, honestly, you can say Voldemort's name, but then you call it a thing? Here, say it with me now, T-U-R-D, Turd Hermione, It's a Turd". Draco drawled.

At this, Hermione lost her temper. "All right Malfoy, the TURD moved! There, I said it, the bloody Turd moved like it was alive"!

As Hermione looked at the other three, and saw that they still didn't believe her, she started to cry again. "And, and, and, it spit a piece of that dirty, soggy, toilet paper at me, and it stuck in my hair"! She sobbed.

At this, Ron paled, then sneered, and finally, grabbed the bottom of his sweater, and began to violently wipe at his face, while glaring at his wife.

Draco couldn't hold back the snort, so he turned away, and tried his best to hold back his raucous laughter.

All Harry could do was drop his head into his hands, and shake his head. "Hermione, how is this possible"? He mumbled.

After Hermione calmed herself, and gained back all the dignity that she could, she looked at the three to explain, and with a sniff, she did.

"This reminds me of something back during Voldemort's times". Hermione calmly stated.

"WHAT"!?! The other three shouted.

"Shut up, and please let me explain. You all remember the muggle baiting that went on"? She asked, and when they nodded their heads, she continued. "Well, I once heard Arthur speak of something similar".

"Oh yea, the snapping toilets"! Ron proudly chimed in. After all, his dad did crack that case wide open.

"Yea"! Harry almost shouted. "The one in the downstairs loo snapped at us this morning"! Harry explained, and Draco nodded.

"No, no, no, not the snapping toilets"! Ron deflated at this, but Hermione went on. "Well, I heard him tell Remus once about a, a, a, well, a snapping turd".

At this, all three wizards couldn't hold it back, and they barked out their held in laughter. When everything calmed down, they looked at her to continue, with a sort-of apologetic look on their face.

"Harry, what exactly happened last night"? Hermione asked.

"Well, I don't really know, except that Draco had a bad case of gas" Harry stated, with a huge grin.

"Draco"? Hermione questioned.

"Well you see, it went like this.....". Draco said, hiding his embarrassment, and told the entire story, but he did edit the part about shitting his boxers, as that was just not on.

"Well, that explains it then". Hermione stated, as if the fix was just as simple.

"What"? All three wizards asked again.

"Well, from what I can piece together, Draco was mad over your teasing Harry, so he was intending on paying you back, by breaking wind in bed. However, I think, that his magic was injected into his, his, his, poop, and it created a monster". Hermione explained, and she herself, was trying to stifle a laugh.

"You've got to be kidding me"! Draco exclaimed. "So, how do we fix this"? Draco asked as he waved his arms around, and finally stood up to pace the room. "This has to be nipped in the bud, I tell you, nip-it-right-in-the-bud, before tonight"!

"Well, you see, Draco, I think that the only one that can, 'nip it in the bud', is the perpetrator himself, and that means you". Hermione said, as she watched the blonde pace the room.

"WHAT"? Draco roared. "I told you, I'm no good at repairing muggle things Hermione"!

"Draco, calm down, will you? You don't need to repair anything, as I think it's jinxing the loo’s, so all you need to do is cast a Finite Incantatem upon it". Hermione explained.

"But, but, but, that means that I have to go back in there"! Draco stuttered.

"Oh Draco, I'll not send you in there unarmed"! Harry said with a grin. "Wait just a minute, while I go get some things". Harry then calmly stood, and walked out of the room, and into the kitchen.

Ron looked over at Draco, who stood with his mouth hanging agape. "Mate, I hate to say it, but I really do pity you".

Before Draco could retort, Harry stepped back into the sitting room, holding a large cardboard box, with something round sticking up out of the top of it. "Now, if everyone will please follow me".

At this, the three followed Harry back into the hall, and over to the stairs.

"You know, this reminds me of that cartoon, South Park, Mione". Harry said, with a smirk.

"Really"? Hermione replied. She knew of the cartoon series, but never watched them, as she always thought them to be too filthy to watch.

"Yea, it was a Christmas special, it was. There was what they called the Christmas Poo, and it was a turd that would show up in your loo, wearing a Santa hat, mind you, and would grant the one who it was looking for a wish. Maybe this is the Christmas Poo, yea"? Harry asked.

"Oh really, Harry, I've never"! Hermione complained.

"Probably not"! Draco muttered under his breath.

"Yea, but I took all three of your minds off the problem didn't I"? Harry espoused, and then sat the box down in the middle of their bedroom. "All right, Draco, come over here, so we can get you ready".

Draco peered over in the box, and didn't like what he saw, but he went ahead with Harry's idea of protection.

After about five minutes, Harry had Draco dressed out to the nines in his homemade armor, of a sort. Draco was wearing a pair of brown rubber gumboots, with yellow toes. On his left arm, he carried a large, plastic, trashcan lid for shield. He placed a muggle, paper-type, dust mask over Draco's nose and mouth, along with a nose-pincher like swimmers wear. For his eyes, Draco wore a pair of the small swimming goggles, like the athletes swam with during the Olympics. Finally, Harry had placed a pair of bright-blue, rubber, scrub gloves on his hands. He only hoped that his wand would still work while wearing them.

"OK, Draco, we'll be out here to back you up, should you need it, of course. If you do, just shout, and somebody will come running". Harry explained, as he eyed Ron and Hermione, who looked like they did NOT like that idea at all.

Draco squared his shoulders, and began a slow walk towards the bathroom door. 'All right Draco, you can do this, as you ARE a Malfoy after all', Draco thought. When he reached the blasted door, he took a huge breath, seeing as that may be his last one for a long time, then, took hold of the doorknob, opened the door, and stepped inside. Once in, he thought about not shutting the door, just so the other three would suffer somewhat, but he shut it in the end. He held his shield high, as he cautiously inched toward the toilet, to see what was really going on inside the bowl. His grip tightened on his wand, just as he peered over the edge, and he was startled at what he saw. At this, he had to take a step back.

Draco watched on with both horror, and fascination, as the turd in the pot lifted up what seemed to be a head, and it had two little beady yellow eyes. Draco pointed his wand at it, and squinted at those eyes. "Damn, when did I eat any corn'? He thought, as he held up his shield once again. 'I've not consumed any corn in ages'!

Shakily, he tried to aim his wand, but the turd weaved back and forth, as it just knew what was coming. Draco built up his nerve, and opened his mouth. "Finite Incantatem"! Draco yelled, and a bright beam of yellow light struck the moving turd right between its beady little corn eyes.

There was an awful screech, and the toilet gave a shutter as if it may crack apart, and just as Draco peered over his shield to see what was happening, the turd exploded, sending bits of shite all over the room. Before he could get back behind the plastic disc, he felt something hit him right where his mouth would have been, and at this he freaked out.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Mummy"! Draco yelled, as he quickly threw down his shield, and proceeded to rip the contaminated mask from his face. That also led to him smelling the aftermath, but during that very second, the toilet flushed on its own, and the window flew open, as if it was of its own accord.

Draco took a chance, and dived for the window. He kept his head low, and hung it outside the window, taking in all that fresh, sweet air. 'Oh God', he thought, 'I've never had to face anything like that, even under Voldemort'!

As Draco was looking down towards the ground, he noticed something white splash on the wooden ledge just below the window. Draco sneered at this, and turned his head to look up.

"Why you dirty fucking CROW"! Draco growled out. "You tried to shite on me, didn't you"?

When the crow didn't answer, but tried to reposition itself over Draco's head, he quickly flicked his wand over his back, creating a small wind inside the loo. As Draco smirked at the unknowing bird, the fumes from the loo weaved out the window, and gently floated upwards with the breeze. He watched as they struck the crows nostrils, and it got a confused look over it face, as if somebody had cast a confundus charm upon it. Finally, it let out one squawk, and killed over, falling from the peak of the roof.


Draco quickly yanked his head back inside, as he just missed being hit in the head by the falling crow. Before he could look back outside, he heard a 'thud', and knew that the shitty crow had met its fate. With a satisfied smirk, he looked down, and saw the crow laying on its back, its wings spread to the side, and its feet sticking up in the air.

"Fucking bird deserved what it got! Now, to clean up this mess, and get the hell out of here"! Draco remarked as he started waving his wand in very intricate motions.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When Draco yelled, Harry imagined the worst. He wanted to run to his lover, but Ron caught him by the shirt tale, and held him back. Hermione fully agreed with the action.

"Give him at least 30 seconds, and if we don't hear any other sounds, we'll go get him, agreed"? Ron said, and turned pale when he thought about what he just agreed to do.

The three listened, as they finally heard Draco continue on, with what they would eventually call, the 'Battle of the Loo". Finally, in what seemed like forever, the door opened, and Draco walked stiffly out. He looked at the three that had been so bravely waiting for him, and smirked.

"With no fear, I walked towards my uncertain death, and I kicked its bloody ARSE"! Draco exclaimed, and then ran into Harry's awaiting arms. He would never admit to the fear he felt, when he opened that bathroom door, to confront his worst nightmare.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

As Hermione and Ron started to leave, they heard a loud crack from the back yard. All four ran out to the patio, wands drawn, and looked around for an intruder apparating onto the grounds. They never found a soul, but Draco noticed something missing, the black crow.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The next morning, as Harry and Draco sat around their breakfast table inside the kitchen, Draco picked up the morning issue of the Daily Prophet, and began to read the headline news. After reading the first line, Draco spit his mouthful of tea across the room.

"Bloody Hell, Draco, what is it"? Harry enquired.

Draco just shook his head, and handed Harry the paper, as he began to magic up his mess.

"You don't recon"? Harry asked, and looked at his lover. "The crow"?

At Draco's nod, Harry began to read the Prophet out loud.

"The Daily Prophet regrets to report, that a new reporter on our staff, was seriously injured yesterday, when they took a fall from the roof of a tall building.

"The Healer's at St. Mungo's said that the woman, identified as Mrs. Parvati Reed, formerly Mrs. Parvati Patil, had broken several bones from her fall, onto what appeared to be concrete.

"The Healers then explained, that the only answer that they could obtain from the patient, was that she had inhaled some very dangerous gas, or fumes, and that they were probably from a potions experiment gone wrong".

Harry didn't continue with reading, as he started out laughing hard, with great big tears coming into his eyes. After he calmed down, he looked over to see a smirk upon Draco's gorgeous face.

"Wanna Fuck"? Draco asked, and Harry just gave a nod, as they left for their bedroom.


Fin! For sure this time!


Thanks for all the reviews on 'The Dinner', as it was what made me write the sequel. If you like this type of crack fic, please review, and I may write some more if you like it.


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