When Snape Finally Loses It

When Snape Finally Loses It
A small collection of short parodies, as they strike me, of how our favourite Potions Professor might lose it if he learned of fanfiction writer’s obsessions with him and the actions we... ‘encourage’ him to perform. Meant to be humorous and light-hearted.

This has not been Beta’d and was written quite late at night while high on Starbucks syrup. Therefore, any bad humour is due to my potentially twisted mental state. I also tried my very hardest to keep canon characters in character... within reason. I am also unaware of anyone else doing this. However, I am mostly likely very wrong and shall no doubt be corrected. In the light of this though... anything that is remotely similar to something anyone else has written is ENTIRELY coincidental and if someone could draw my attention to that, I would be eternally grateful and shall place a note or address the other author accordingly. Other than that, this is an entirely original piece of work by me, uninfluenced by anyone else in my ignorance.

Professor Severus Snape was not harmed in the production of these parodies and I returned him, mostly in perfect condition to the wonderful J.K. Rowling upon completion of each parody.


Scenario One – In the Potions Classroom One Day
“He’s lost it... that’s it.” Harry declared finally, his eyes currently on his Potions Master in disbelieving wonder.

“Do you think this means that we’ll never have to hand in this essay?”Ron queried hopefully, his eyes scanning over his half torn, half stained and barely readable attempt. Hermione scowled at it disapprovingly.

“Is that all you think about? Not handing in homework?” She demanded reprovingly, drawing Harry’s attention momentarily away from Snape.

“Well... yeah... and Quidditch... and food!” Ron quipped with a grin, drawing another scowl from Hermione as he stuffed the sheet of parchment back into his back unceremoniously.

“Our Potions Master is currently doing... well... I’m not actually quite sure what it is he’s doing.” Hermione paused in thought her eyes following Snape and drawing the two boy’s attention back to their Potions Master. They sat in mild bewilderment as Snape completed another circuit around his desk, humming the same melody and gyrating disturbingly.

“You don’t think... he’s been Imperiosed? Do you?” Ron gulped turning a delicate shade of green as Snape rolled his hips and mumbled another line of the song under his breath, hands raised over his head.

“I don’t think anyone’s got that sick a humour.” Harry responded with a deep and steadying breath. Hermione merely blushed and returned to her notes, her eyes focusing on the blank space between two words determinedly.


Scenario Two - In the Great Hall One Day
The dull thud continued to ring through the Great Hall every few seconds, not drawing much attention from anyone. It had been like this for the past four days and no one bothered to glance up anymore. It was only when the disturbing groans and moans of despair began to echo out in between the thuds that worried glances began to grace the teacher’s table once more.

“Shouldn’t someone... you know. Stop him?” Hermione whispered to Harry and Ron, her eyes flitting fearfully to the teacher’s table repeatedly. The boys continued to spoon cereal from their bowls, their eyes not moving away.

“I wmouhldn’t bmwother H’mi’e.” Ron mumbled between mouthfuls of cornflakes, not bothering to raise his eyes past the edge of the spoon. Hermione wrinkled her nose in distaste but made no motion to further question Ron, instead turning her attention to Harry.

“Don’t you think...?” Harry interrupted her before she could continue.

“Hermione, if there was something wrong then don’t you think the other teachers would do something?” Harry queried, pointing to the teacher’s table, before taking another bite of toast. Hermione glanced up again at the teacher’s table. Sure enough, if it hadn’t been for the continued thudding and hushed moans and groans nothing would appear out of place. McGonagall and Hagrid were in deep conversation, Flitwick was having an animated discussion with Professor Sprout and Dumbledore was looking mildly amused while observing his students over the half moon spectacles perched precariously on his nose. In fact, despite the bobbing head of Snape as he banged his head repeatedly on the long oak table everything looked perfectly normal. Hermione settled back to her toast and perused the Daily Prophet casually, the Headlines flashing across the front page ‘Professor Severus Snape Voted THE Most Sexually Attractive Man in Existence According to Muggle Fanfiction Writers. Day Four!’.