Shell Shock

Shell Shock


~*~*~*~*~


“Harry?”

“Yes?”

“I can help you. I’m a right bastard, but I can help you. We can help each other.”

“Please, don’t….”

“We can. And I can make you happy … just don’t be … alone …”


~*~*~*~*~


Harry Potter jumped in his seat and his eyes snapped open. He quickly looked around to see if anyone saw him. When it was apparent that no one did, Harry sighed of relief and stared numbly at the opposite wall as the paperwork for his release from St Mungo’s was being finalised. He hated those dreams. He had to think of something else. Anything else. But instead, his mind went blank and the poster his eyes had been locked onto for the past five minutes was beginning to get blurry, and the edges of his vision began to turn dark grey before finally turning black. Harry desperately shook his head and took several deep breaths through his nose, trying to calm himself. Not that it would help, of course, but he didn't want a panic attack to happen now. Not when he was so close to leaving. He gripped the armrests and dug his nails into the material. He opened his eyes as wide as they could possibly go just to prevent them from closing.

Too many memories there. Too many images and Harry refused give in to the impulse to see them again. Not now. Not ever. But especially not now. Not when he was just a heartbeat away from freedom.

"Mr Potter?"

Harry quickly blinked and then sighed in relief. Her voice was a blessing in disguise.

"Yes?"

The young medi-witch smiled warmly at him and motioned for him to join her up at the counter.

"We just need you to sign this consent form and you’re as good as free," she said jokingly, unaware that Harry was taking the meaning quite literally.

He smiled back and signed his name at the bottom and took the copy she handed him.

"Thank you, Madam Jones. Am I allowed to leave now?"

Her smile deepened. "Unless you'd like to stay."

Harry all but ran out of St Mungo’s and never looked back.


~*~*~*~*~


"No!"

"Now, Severus--"

"No, Albus! This is preposterous! The boy is not mentally fit! I don't care what those imbeciles at St Mungo’s said. He is not ready to leave, and he is certainly not ready to begin any sort of training!"

"I know you've both had differences in the past, Severus, but --"

"Are you not listening to me? This is not about personality conflicts! This is about his mental capacity!"

"The doctors there have already ascertained--"

“I don’t care what they think!”

"--that he is mentally fit --”

"Then they are just as deranged as he is!"

“--and is ready to--"

"No, he’s not! And even if he was, why this profession?"

"He has stated from the beginning that he wanted to pursue this career field."

"That should show you his mental instability! This is just some sort of punishment for all the times--"

"Severus!"

Severus Snape stopped his high-speed pacing and looked over his shoulder.

Albus Dumbledore took a deep breath and calmly explained.

"I do not know why Harry has chosen Potions to be his career choice, but--" he raised a hand to silence Severus. "I do know that he is very adamant about it and is most eager to learn."

Severus faced him. "He was completely rubbish at it, Albus! He cannot possibly be ready for this type of advanced education. So how do you propose I should go about training him if he doesn't even know the first thing about it?"

"He has been studying almost from day one since his admittance to St Mungo’s."

"But why ME?" Severus shouted, causing Albus to wince.

"You are the best in your field and you know that."

"And that is precisely why it shouldn't be me and don't give me that look, Albus. I am heavily relied on by many--"

"He can ease your burden."

"--and I do not have time to wipe his --"

"Severus!"

Severus folded his arms tightly across his chest and looked away.

"Severus," Albus began in that condescending voice that Severus hated so much. "He can learn so much from you." Severus harrumphed. "He knows you are one of the reasons that he is alive today."

"And this is his way of paying me back?" Severus snapped.

"No, of course not. I am merely saying that he needs your guidance more than ever. And--" Dumbledore looked at Severus seriously. “I know I can count on you to do the right thing.”

"Do not do this to me, Albus. Do not make me feel guilty!"

"I would never do that, Severus."

Severus spun on his heels and glared at him. "Albus," he warned.

Albus' eyes twinkled. "Well. Now that's been settled, he will be arriving in a month so I trust --"

"Al-bus," Severus tried warning him again.

"--that everything will be prepared by then --"

"ALBUS!"

"Yes?" he asked innocently.

The pair of eyes locked - one full of anger and the other full of amusement. Severus knew that look on Albus’ face. He knew that no matter what, anything else Severus would have to say at this point wouldn’t make a bit of difference. Severus threw up his arms and yelled in defeat as he stormed out of the headmistress' office, slamming the wooden doors behind him, cursing the whole time. A tall figure emerged from behind a heavy curtain.

"Albus Dumbledore, you are the most devious man I have ever known."

"Why, Minerva, whatever do you mean?" he asked sweetly.

The headmistress raised a knowing eyebrow, and then shook her head. "Remind me never to get on your bad side."

Albus chuckled within his portrait.


~*~*~*~*~


Harry rubbed his hands on his trousers to wipe the sweat off them. He wondered for the umpteen-millionth time if he had made the right decision. He stopped pacing and held onto the back of the chair for support. He bowed his head and closed his eyes. Images of hazel eyes and sandy blond hair instantly filled his mind, reminding him of why. He smiled warmly and wanted desperately to see him one last time.

A sharp and rather loud knock echoed in the room, startling Harry and bringing him back to reality. He didn’t need to ask who was there. He knew. Suddenly, anger coursed through his veins, and he stormed over to the door and flung it open with ease.

“Mr Potter.”

Those two words alone from that dreadful voice caused Harry to shudder with hatred. It didn’t matter to Harry if this was the man who had distracted Voldemort long enough for Harry could kill him or not. What mattered was that Harry was going to have to put up with this man long enough to achieve his goal. And who knew how long that would be?

“Professor Snape,” he acknowledged.

The two of them stared at each other briefly, tolerating each other’s presence and the awkwardness of it until Harry stepped aside and motioned Severus to come in.

Severus shook his head. “There is no need for me to enter,” he said flatly. “I trust you have everything you need.”

It was said as a statement, but Harry answered anyway. “Yes, thank you.”

“There is no need to thank me, Potter. I did not arrange any of this, so if there is anything else that you should require in the future, you are to take that up with the headmistress.”

Harry clenched his jaw at the bitterness of his tone. “Is there a specific reason why you are here, Professor?” he asked curtly.

“I have been given the unfortunate task to show you around. Not that you need it,” he drawled.

“No, I don't,” Harry answered sharply.

There was a tense moment of silence before Severus continued.

“Regardless, I am instructed to show you where you will be,” he paused here to sneer, “studying.”

Harry’s brow furrowed and frowned. “I was told that I was to be observing you and to assist--”

“The only thing you will assist me with, Mr Potter, is by staying out of my way,” he snapped. Harry’s nostrils flared. “However, you will be studying; and it will be done in your own time when you are not observing me. And you will only be observing. Is that quite clear?”

Harry pulled his lips in and clenched his fists by his sides. “Yes, Sir,” he hissed.

Severus spun around so fast that his robe flew up in Harry’s face. “Good. Do try and keep up.” And he stormed down the corridor.


~*~*~*~*~


As Harry followed Severus through the dungeons, his eyes roamed about continuously. He couldn't help but be amazed that he had only been away from Hogwarts for seven months. Nothing inside the great walls had changed. It was almost as if the war had never taken place.

The war …

The war had started two months before his seventh year ended and it had lasted for two more. It suddenly occurred to Harry that his 'stay' at St Mungo’s had been for two months as well. After his release, Harry had lived with Hermione briefly in order to study for his N.E.W.T.s and to reacquaint himself with the ‘real world’ as she had put it so many times.

He could've stayed longer if he had wanted to - he knew Hermione wanted him to - but Harry had his objective and his mind was firmly set. He would not be swayed no matter how many times Hermione pleaded that he should stay. He would be a Potions master and he would be better than Snape.

But it wasn't just that reason alone. He had to get away from her. There were too many memories there. Too much pain. Too many …

“Potter!”

Harry jumped then blinked several times, snapping himself out of his thoughts.

"What?" he instinctively shot back. Subconsciously, Harry knew he should be respectful, but consciously --?

Severus froze. His expression revealed the impact of being spoken to in such a rude manner, but he quickly regained his composure and walked the sixteen feet that separated them. He stopped within a foot of Harry and looked down his nose at him.

"Mr Potter," he began very slow and evenly. "Whilst you are no longer a student here, you are now, in fact, a member of the Hogwarts’ staff and under my supervision and I will NOT tolerate any disrespect from you,” his voice was now rising with each word, “--or anyone else for that matter, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?" Severus screamed.

Harry pulled up his shoulders and cringed. He had never seen the Potions master so angry.

"Yes," he replied softly.

"Yes what?"

Harry looked down. "Yes, Sir."

There was a brief uncomfortable pause before Severus inhaled a shaky breath and continued.

"You will do well to remember that, Mr Potter."

Harry nodded but he knew Snape didn’t see it because the scuffed, black shoes Harry had been staring at were now gone.


~*~*~*~*~


As the days turned into weeks, Harry realised that training under Snape was as bad as he thought it would be. No, it was actually worse. The man was insufferable, and Harry found that he had to remind himself constantly of why he was here and why it had to be Snape. There was one thing that Harry knew for certain. The man was shite at teaching. If he ever had thought Snape was abominable when he was a student, it was nothing compared to what he had to endure now.

Snape barely acknowledged Harry in the beginning, and when he did, it was only to bark out orders. Harry gritted his teeth and reluctantly obeyed without question, but inwardly his fingers curled around that pompous man’s neck and squeezed it until blood filled the cold and uncaring black eyes. Harry smiled at that mental image, and it gave him extreme satisfaction that, along with other malefic images, got him through most days.

Through the weeks that followed, Harry’s determination grew stronger every day, and he refused to let Snape destroy his spirit or his goal. He studied relentlessly and couldn’t help but feel a satisfying sense of pride when he saw Snape's face turn a nice shade of red as the ‘tests’ he had given Harry were passed without errors. Of course, it only made Snape that much more deplorable towards him, but the gratification Harry felt was well worth it.

It was in the middle of Harry’s second month of ‘training’ that he noticed a slight change in Snape's behaviour. The man was still callous and cruel to him, but the words he spat at Harry no longer carried the bite they once held. There was still a trace of bitterness in his tone, but … Harry couldn’t figure out what was different about Snape, only that something was. He thought perhaps he had just grown accustomed to Snape and his many foul moods. Or perhaps it was because Snape had finally accepted that Harry was indeed serious about becoming a Potions master.

Whatever the reason, Harry found himself watching Snape more carefully. One of the things Harry discovered was that the man was indeed a genius at potion-making. Of course, he would never tell Snape that. Nor would he confess that he was observing Snape more intently.

There were times, however, when Snape returned to his abhorrent self, but Harry quickly recognised that it usually coincided with one of Snape's first year classes. When the lessons were over, Harry took the brunt of Snape's hostility without question and remained quiet through it all.

There was one other thing Harry noticed. Snape was always withdrawn and constantly distant. He wasn’t completely surprised by this, but it seemed it was more prominent than before. In truth, Harry didn’t mind that Snape was so distant nor that sometimes he was even cold to him. Harry was beginning to notice that he himself was behaving the same way. He didn’t like idle chitchat any more than Snape did, and so he was actually relieved Snape never asked any questions beyond, “Did you remember to stir it four times and not five?” Not that he'd reveal this little tidbit either. Plus there was nothing to talk about. Absolutely nothing.

So Harry kept silent and was content just to watch and learn all he could.


~*~*~*~*~


Severus studied the faces of the first years as they struggled with their test He smirked as he saw a few of them tremble with anxiety, knowing they were closely being watched by him. At one point, Snape stole a glance at Potter who was grading the previous class’s exams. His face was serious and bent so low over the desk, it almost looked as if the boy needed better glasses. It was when Potter’s head bobbed once that Snape had realised that he was nodding off. He cleared his throat and Potter suddenly came to life, quickly correcting any mistakes that he had made. Severus saw Potter sneak a nervous glance in his direction then went back to grading papers, pretending nothing had happened.

The bell rang out through the silence, startling everyone there save Severus. Potter stood but Severus stopped him from leaving with a small wave of his hand.

“Leave your tests where they are,” he called out to the class then directed his next statement to Potter. “Mr Potter. A word if you please.”

“Of course, Professor.”

Severus watched his apprentice straighten the parchments and then found himself frowning. Potter’s behaviour was starting to puzzle him. He knew from experience the boy’s normal behaviour was annoyingly outgoing and extremely talkative. But now…Potter had somehow changed. Not that it mattered to Severus one way or another, of course, but Albus was constantly asking about Harry and his behaviour. And it was because of Albus’ request to ‘watch him carefully’ that Severus actually took notice.

Yes. Potter had indeed changed.

Gone now was the light in his eyes and in its place was a dull and glazed look. Potter surprisingly obeyed Severus without question, something that also grated on his nerves. It seemed the only time Potter had shown any type of emotion was when Severus had made comments about the boy’s past. It was as if Potter suddenly became a different person. He became agitated and sometimes even to the point of outright hostility.

So, like the cruel and callous man he was, Snape had decided to push the boy. Their relationship was becoming far too amicable between them lately, and Snape hated it.

“Sir?”

Severus eyed him carefully for a moment before asking, “Is there a problem, Potter?”

Potter tilted his head to the side confused. “With…?”

“Do not pretend you had not fallen asleep,” he said shortly. “Is there a problem?”

A shade of pink crossed Potter’s features. “No, Sir.”

Severus studied him again - this time more carefully - but the boy betrayed no other emotions than embarrassment. He raised his eyebrow but the boy still remained undaunted.

“Then finish grading the papers along with the ones from this class,” he snapped.

“Yes, Sir.”

Severus gritted his teeth at the boy’s compliance. It was definitely beginning to get on his nerves. There was indeed something wrong with the boy and for some strange reason; he wanted to know what it was. Severus stood and moved behind Potter, knowing from past experience that it would make him uncomfortable. He continued to peer over Harry’s shoulder, but the boy’s attention never wavered from the tests he was correcting.

Unsatisfied, Snape walked back to his desk and leaned against the front of it.

“So, Potter,” he began and smirked when there was a slight hesitation in the boy’s writing. “Why have you decided to pursue this line of work?” Severus was never one for beating around the bush.

He noticed the way Potter’s jaw slightly clenched and couldn’t help but grin. He had hit a sore spot.

“I don’t know what you mean, Sir,” Potter said slowly.

“What I mean is why didn’t you rush out to become an … Auror?” he replied, enunciating the word Auror as if it was the most disreputable occupation one could hold.

Potter remained silent and continued to correct the papers as if he didn’t hear the taunt.

“I would have expected that the famous Boy Who Lived would want to find an easy job, marry the Weasley girl and breed enough spawn to fill Hogwarts.”

The quill Potter was holding snapped in two. He jerked open his desk drawer and retrieved another.

Definitely hit a sore spot.

“Not that it is any business of yours, Professor, but Ginny and I were--” he paused as if he was searching for the right words. “--never really together.”

“Oh?” Snape asked with a smirk. “So who is the … lucky girl now?”

Potter stood abruptly. “I believe I’m finished, Professor.”

“Are you now?” Severus drawled.

“Yes,” Potter hissed. “May I be excused?” He paused, then added, “Sir.”

Severus continued to smirk, quite pleased with himself that he could get such a reaction from the boy. He answered with a sharp nod and Potter spun around on his heels and marched out of the room.

“How interesting.”


~*~*~*~*~


After Potter had left, Snape headed directly for his stockroom. It was about time for an inventory. For some unknown reason, he had felt uneasy when he had selected the necessary ingredients for the first lesson. As Severus mentally summarised them, a dawn of comprehension came over him. There were a few items missing. Ones that Severus was most familiar with.

The boy was taking ingredients that were used to create a potion.


~*~*~*~*~


Harry took a long drag from his cigarette and held it. He slowly blew the smoke out, watching the way it traveled to the fireplace and blended in with the flames. He reached over to the table beside him and retrieved the glass of Firewhisky. He winced as the liquid burned his throat on the way down. It had been a rough day for Harry, and he needed to relax.

It angered Harry that not only did Snape catch him sleeping, but also had the audacity to pry into his personal life. Then there was Albus, who had questioned him needlessly about his ‘well-being’. It was enough to make Harry go insane. There was nothing wrong with him. The healers had told him that and, more importantly, he'd begun believing it himself.

Nothing was wrong with him. Nothing.

Harry took another deep drag and closed his eyes. If only the voices in his head would listen.

“Potter!”

Harry jumped up from his sofa and dropped his fag.

“Damn it, Snape! I just lit that!”

“What in Merlin's name are you doing?”

Harry picked up the cigarette and tossed it into the fireplace right next to Snape’s face.

“What does it look like?” he snapped.

“I’m coming in.”

“No!”

But it was too late and Severus Snape appeared before him.

“This is unacceptable! These are my quarters and I deserve some sort of privacy!”

Snape glanced at the half-filled glass of alcohol. “Do you not care about your health?”

“I don’t believe it’s any of your concern, Sir. What I do in my spare time is my business.”

Snape scowled at him and clenched his teeth. Harry knew his rights. He was of age, and there were no rules against smoking or drinking in one’s own quarters. Harry was prepared to argue this further, but was surprised when Snape changed the subject.

“Mr Potter,” Snape began calmly. “The reason I am here at this late hour is to ask you if you have been taking ingredients from the stockroom that you are not at liberty to take.” The words were not in the form of a statement, nor a question, but rather an accusation.

Harry narrowed his eyes. “Just what is it you are insinuating, Sir?”

“You know very well to what I am referring,” he snapped. “You took the ingredients necessary to make the Dreamless Sleep Potion.”

Harry’s eyes widened but said nothing.

“Answer me!”

“You obviously already know the answer to that, so there’s no need to ask me, is there now?” Harry drawled.

“How long have you been taking it?”

Harry’s face burned with rage. “That’s none of your business!”

“It becomes my business if you’re taking it every night,” Snape hissed. “Are you aware of the consequences by doing so? And the dangers of--”

“Yes, I do! I’m not stupid, you know!”

“You are if you are using it every night.”

“I said I know that!”

“Then how long?” Snape demanded.

Once again, Harry remained quiet.

With a loud scoff, Snape turned away from him and marched in the direction of Harry's bedroom.

"What are you doing? How … How dare you! You have no right to search my quarters!"

Snape ignored him and walked through Harry's room and straight into his bathroom, pausing only to sweep his gaze over the disarray in Harry's bedroom. Upon entering the small room, Snape found the empty bottles lying in the waste bin and several phials on the basin counter top. Harry lowered his head in embarrassment as he realised that he didn't even have the intelligence to get rid of the evidence.

Harry began to panic. "Snape!" he cried out, unable to hide it from seeping it into his voice. "Snape, wait!”

Snape spun around to face him.

"Do you know what the penalty is for abusing this substance?"

“I can explain!"

"You can explain that to the officials at the Ministry. Though I hardly think they would even bother to listen to your pathetic excuse. You will find yourself back at St Mungo’s with no --"

"Stop! Please, listen to me!"

Snape did stop, folded his arms over his chest and waited for Harry to continue. Instead, Harry looked away ashamed and shifted from leg to leg.

"Well?" Snape asked impatiently.

"I--I can't. I can't sleep without it …" Harry admitted in a soft whisper.

"That much is obvious," Snape drawled. He paused briefly then sighed loudly. "This is no longer my concern, Potter."

And with that, Snape brushed passed Harry, but stopped short when Harry grabbed desperately at his sleeve.

"Please, Professor. Don't do this to me. I've been doing all right in my training, haven't I? I haven't made any mistakes, have I? I haven't," Harry maintained.

"That's not to say you won't."

"I know. I know. But," Harry broke off to swallow hard. "I can handle this. I can. And I haven't been taking it every night. I haven't,” Harry insisted. “Please. Please, just give me a chance."

Snape eyed him suspiciously. "And how will I know that you are keeping your word?"

Harry looked away and drew in an unsteady breath. “I don’t know,” he admitted quietly, glancing up at Snape.

Snape exhaled loudly and then shook his head. "I will need time to consider this, Potter."

Harry looked up again with a small bit of hope shining out of his eyes. "Thank you, Professor."

"Do not thank me just yet," he sneered.

Harry nodded and fidgeted nervously. "Yes, Sir."


~*~*~*~*~


“Interesting.”

Severus’ mouth gaped and blinked hard. “Is that--Is that all you have to say?”

Albus looked at him thoughtfully and nodded once. “For now.”

“Albus, I have just told you that Potter has been stealing from my personal storage and has been making and using the Dreamless Sleep Potion – possibly every night – and that he has been drinking, smoking and whoever knows what else, and all you can say is that it’s interesting?” he half-yelled.

“What would you like me to say, Severus?”

“How about admitting that I was right about him! That he belongs back at St Mungo’s!”

“Severus, there is no need to shout.”

“Yes, there is!”

A long silence fell over the room. Albus sat back in his chair, stroked his long white beard and then adjusted his glasses. He leaned forward.

“Severus, perhaps Harry is telling the truth.” Snape grunted in disbelief. “Perhaps he hasn’t been using the potion every night. After all, the healers at St Mungo’s made no mention of any sort of addiction; and you know as well as I do that they would have never released him had that been the case.”

“And what of his drinking and smoking?”

“It is very common for those who are suffering from --war, to divulge heavily in alcohol and tobacco products.”

Severus rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. He fell back ungracefully into the high winged-back chair and massaged his temples. As much as he hated to, he had to agree that Albus was right. They may be idiots at St Mungo’s but they weren’t imprudent. Severus leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

“What do you suggest, Albus?” he asked irritatedly.

There was a short pause, then, “Watch him.”

Severus’ eyes snapped open. “I have been watching him!”

“Watch him whilst he sleeps.”

Severus jumped to his feet. “I will not ‘watch’ him while he’s sleeping! I cannot believe you would even suggest such a thing!”

“You did ask, Severus.”

“No!”

“Severus…”

“NO!”

Severus stormed off and was not even three hundred yards away when a voice called out to him from a nearby portrait.

“Severus. Please listen to me.”

“Stop following me, Albus!”

“We need to find out how serious this is.”

Severus walked away.

“No! I won't do it!” he called over his shoulder.

As Severus rounded a corner, Albus was already waiting for him in another painting.

“Albus!”

“Just for tonight, Severus.”

“No!”

“Severus, please.” Albus paused briefly then added, “For me.”

Severus stopped in his tracks, and his hands curled into fists. He looked over his shoulder and glared. The manipulative old coot even had the audacity to smile. With a loud grunt, Severus stormed down the corridor and didn’t stop till he reached his quarters.

Albus’ smile deepened.


~*~*~*~*~