The Malfoy Sense of Humour
folder
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Lucius
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
9,455
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Lucius
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
9,455
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Harry Potter universe, nor do I make any money out of this. That's JKR's thing. I just play with her characters a little for fun.
The Malfoy Sense of Humour
Author's notes: Sorry to disappoint you. This is set after Harry has gotten away from Lucius. I just had to get all this funny dialogue out of my head :) Thanks again to Supersonic Bitch, who convinced me that this doesn't suck.
The Malfoy Sense of Humour
”Harry, you can’t be serious! You want to go BACK?” Hermione’s voice rose in pitch. “You were lucky to escape with your life!”
Ron was staring with his mouth open. Finally he managed a weak “You’re mental.”
Harry’s smirk was very Malfoy-ish. “Oh, Lucius would never have killed me. We had way too much fun for that.”
“FUN??? You call that fun?”
“Certainly. Lucius has a great sense of humour.” Harry rolled up his sleeve. Burned on his arm, exactly at the spot where the Death-Eater’s Dark Marks had been, was the Malfoy crest.
He tried to pull the sleeve back down quickly, but Hermione’s ever sharp eyes had already spotted something else as well. She grabbed Harry’s wrist. “What’s that on the back of your hand? ‘There is nothing amusing about ferrets’. Oh, Harry, that’s your own handwriting!”
“Quite. Lucius had one of Umbridge’s wonderful quills. OK, I might as well show you the other hand too.”
“’I shall leave other people’s house-elves alone’? He actually made you write that with your left hand?”
“About a million times. Of course he had to pick the longer one for that. He said that if I didn’t cut it deep enough he’d brand the words ‘Slytherins Rule’ on my fore-head. At least I can pretty much cover these.”
“Oh Harry, that’s horrible! And for the love of Merlin, stop smirking! It’s not funny!”
“I got back at him. He now has a Gryffindor lion in a place he’s not inclined to present in public. We had to summon a professional Healer after that.”
“Ron, stop laughing! There’s nothing funny about Harry nearly getting beaten to death!”
“I’m sorry, mate, but the thought of that on his…”
“No need to be sorry; I’m laughing too.”
“Boys!”
“It’s not likely I’ll ever get another sex partner, though. Not with what HE wrote on MY arse.”
“Harry, for heavens sake! He raped you and tortured you. You can’t possibly call that sex! Sex is supposed to be something beautiful between two people who love each other, not burning marks of ownership on the other’s skin.”
“Pretty much everybody else would be kinda vanilla compared to him, I guess.” Harry sighed wistfully.
“I know I’m about to regret this in a second, mate, but I HAVE to ask: what exactly did he brand on your arse?”
“That…”
“Stop it, I don’t want to hear this!” Hermione stormed out of the room in tears.
“I’ll run after her in a minute. But seriously, mate, what…?”
“Didn’t you guess already? The same thing he has on all his books and stuff: ‘Exclusive Property of Lucius Malfoy’.”
“Bit possessive, isn’t he?”
“You’re very lucky that you have no idea. At least Hermione only yells or cries a bit if she’s upset.”
“You’re not really missing him, though. Right? I mean, he’s Malfoy.”
Harry’s imitation of Lucius Malfoy’s favourite expression was so accurate it made Ron recoil a bit.
The Malfoy Sense of Humour
”Harry, you can’t be serious! You want to go BACK?” Hermione’s voice rose in pitch. “You were lucky to escape with your life!”
Ron was staring with his mouth open. Finally he managed a weak “You’re mental.”
Harry’s smirk was very Malfoy-ish. “Oh, Lucius would never have killed me. We had way too much fun for that.”
“FUN??? You call that fun?”
“Certainly. Lucius has a great sense of humour.” Harry rolled up his sleeve. Burned on his arm, exactly at the spot where the Death-Eater’s Dark Marks had been, was the Malfoy crest.
He tried to pull the sleeve back down quickly, but Hermione’s ever sharp eyes had already spotted something else as well. She grabbed Harry’s wrist. “What’s that on the back of your hand? ‘There is nothing amusing about ferrets’. Oh, Harry, that’s your own handwriting!”
“Quite. Lucius had one of Umbridge’s wonderful quills. OK, I might as well show you the other hand too.”
“’I shall leave other people’s house-elves alone’? He actually made you write that with your left hand?”
“About a million times. Of course he had to pick the longer one for that. He said that if I didn’t cut it deep enough he’d brand the words ‘Slytherins Rule’ on my fore-head. At least I can pretty much cover these.”
“Oh Harry, that’s horrible! And for the love of Merlin, stop smirking! It’s not funny!”
“I got back at him. He now has a Gryffindor lion in a place he’s not inclined to present in public. We had to summon a professional Healer after that.”
“Ron, stop laughing! There’s nothing funny about Harry nearly getting beaten to death!”
“I’m sorry, mate, but the thought of that on his…”
“No need to be sorry; I’m laughing too.”
“Boys!”
“It’s not likely I’ll ever get another sex partner, though. Not with what HE wrote on MY arse.”
“Harry, for heavens sake! He raped you and tortured you. You can’t possibly call that sex! Sex is supposed to be something beautiful between two people who love each other, not burning marks of ownership on the other’s skin.”
“Pretty much everybody else would be kinda vanilla compared to him, I guess.” Harry sighed wistfully.
“I know I’m about to regret this in a second, mate, but I HAVE to ask: what exactly did he brand on your arse?”
“That…”
“Stop it, I don’t want to hear this!” Hermione stormed out of the room in tears.
“I’ll run after her in a minute. But seriously, mate, what…?”
“Didn’t you guess already? The same thing he has on all his books and stuff: ‘Exclusive Property of Lucius Malfoy’.”
“Bit possessive, isn’t he?”
“You’re very lucky that you have no idea. At least Hermione only yells or cries a bit if she’s upset.”
“You’re not really missing him, though. Right? I mean, he’s Malfoy.”
Harry’s imitation of Lucius Malfoy’s favourite expression was so accurate it made Ron recoil a bit.