The Talk

The Heads of Houses sat in Dumbledore’s office, each holding a cup of tea with grim looks on their faces as they stared blankly at the Headmaster.

“My friends, I am sorry to have to impose upon you like this, but it seems the situation at hand is getting to the point where we must intervene. Never in all my years at Hogwarts have I witnessed student behavior such as this. While it is understandable in the face of danger we are all staring into, something must be done. As the heads of your Houses, I fear the responsibility falls upon your shoulders.”

Dumbledore looked around at the faces of his friends and colleagues and pressed on.

“Tonight at dinner I will announce a mandatory meeting in the common rooms of your Houses for all students fifth year and up. At that point in time you will need to have the talk with those in your charge. I have the utmost faith that you will each find a suitable way to convey our worries and answer any questions the students may have. The best of luck to each of you. See you at dinner.”

With that Dumbledore rose and moved into his private study off the Headmaster’s chambers, leaving behind three dumbstruck witches and one very surly wizard.

8:00 PM Hufflepuff Common Room

Professor Sprout cleared her throat, looking around at the anxious faces turned her way.

“Yes, well, Professor Dumbledore has seen the need to ask me to speak to you all tonight. I’m afraid our discussion will be of a rather tender nature and must ask that you hold all questions until I am through speaking, please.”

A small ripple of noise moved amongst the students, each expecting the worst. Professor Sprout steadied herself with a deep breath and began.

“This is the way of the birds and the bees…”

8:00 PM Ravenclaw Common Room

Professor Flitwick clapped his hands from his position standing upon a small stool in front of his group of pupils.

“Everyone,” he squeaked, “if I may have your attention please. Professor Dumbledore has seen it a necessity to address the behaviors of our youth and has sent me to you as a representative to deliver his message. I will give a brief lecture concerning our topic and will take questions when all the information has been presented.”

Professor Flitwick glanced around; satisfied he had everyone’s undivided attention.

“The mechanical natures of the human body demand certain attentions after one has reached a particular age. In every witch and wizard there are glands that produce hormones. These hormones can cause even the most level-headed of people to act in the most irrational of ways…”

8:00 PM Slytherin Common Room

“Silence!” Professor Snape snapped, his beady eyes glaring over the collected teenagers that had been, unfortunately, placed under his guardianship. “Professor Dumbledore has given me the most unpleasant duty of schooling your randy arses in the ways of life.”

Snickering broke out among the students accompanied by a sprinkling of smirks and knowing looks.

“I said silence!” Snape bellowed. The room fell quiet once more. “I will say this once – do not make me repeat myself and do not defy my words or you will suffer from the most humiliating repercussions I can dream up and that is not a treat. No, that is a promise carrying heavy load for your pathetic arses.”

The beginnings of fear broke through the masks of indifference and several of the fifth year Slytherins began to quake in their seats.

“You randy buggers have been careless enough to allow your escapades to become common knowledge. What kind of fools are you? Slytherin house is a symbol of the sly and cunning, of the skilled and underhanded. What kind of representation are you when you can’t even shag subtly? You will change your methods of pleasure seeking now or face the consequences which are numerous and vast…”

8:00 PM Gryffindor Common Room

Professor McGonagall sat upright, her back ramrod straight, as she surveyed the teenagers gathered in front of her. Trying her hardest to hide her look of displeasure she gave a small inclination of her head and began to speak.

“I am gravely disappointed in the behaviors of the inhabitants of this castle. For centuries now, Hogwarts School has been an upstanding collegiate establishment, widely known for its accomplishments and the witches and wizards it has delivered into the magical community.”

“The students of our school now, however, are bringing poor and unwanted attention to Hogwarts. It seems we find ourselves in a time of loose morals and looser standards.”

“Excuse me, Professor,” a sixth year student interrupted. “But what are you talking about?”

“I am talking about sexual intercourse and how many of you are having it, where you are having it, when you are having it, and Merlin help me, the protection you are hopefully using each and every time!”

9:00 PM Teacher’s Lounge

“I think that went over very well!” Professor Sprout beamed, stirring a third sugar cube into her nightly tea. “My House responded to what I told them and all swore they had never been participants in the… extra curricular activities.”

Professor McGonagall rolled her eyes but hid the gesture by ducking her face down behind her head, using a migraine as a truthful excuse.

Professor Flitwick straightened in his seat, correcting the positioning of his tie.

“When I explained the mechanics of everything to my House, the majority of them oddly enough seemed sickened by the detailed analysis of childbirth. They gave their word that had they been partaking in the festivities they would immediately desist and had they not been active in copulations, they would not begin being active for years to come.”

Again Professor McGonagall’s head dropped behind her hand.

“What about you, Severus?” Professor Flitwick inquired. Snape sent Flitwick a withering look and strode from the room in an angry flap of billowing black robes.

“Minerva?” Professor Sprout encouraged.

Professor McGonagall slowly lowered her hand and leveled her gaze on Professor Sprout who startled a bit in her seat.

“Pomona, I bet you every galleon in my vault that students from each of our houses are at this very moment shacked up in their dorm rooms, secret hallways, and abandoned corridors going at it like rabbits. You do remember the rabbits that got into Greenhouse number three last year don’t you?” she said dryly.

Professor Sprout flushed a very complimentary shade of chartreuse and fanned herself with her hand looking away.

“Oh, dear,” she mumbled, more to herself than anyone else.

Professor Flitwick wiggled uncomfortably before distracting himself with a scone and Professor McGonagall allowed her head to fall once more behind her hand, all the while wishing for a large bottle of fire whiskey.

9:05 PM Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

“Would you like to show me your bee, darling? Or is it your bird?”
“Defiantly a bee, cause I’m going to make you sing like a bird when you cum for me!”


“Mmm, yes, I love copulating!”
“Damn, baby, I love when you speak intellectually. It’s such a turn on. Tell me something clever!”


“Fuck me! Ooo… yes! Harder! Faster! Oo, baby, fuck yes!”
“You did put up the silencing wards, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Aw, fuck…”

“We really shouldn’t be doing this… mmm, okay, but just this once more, we did promise…”
“That might be the one promise I can’t keep, but I can promise to make you cum at least three time for me tonight – and I won’t go back on my word there, luv.”

10:00 PM Headmaster’s Office

“Alas, the words of wisdom have not been heard.” Dumbledore heaved a heavy sigh. Slowly, he looked up, a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his lips. With a bit of a shrug he stood and moved over to the fireplace, gathering a small handful of Floo powder.

“Now what was that expression? Ah, yes, if you can’t beat them, join them! After all, if the castle’s a’rocking, don’t come a’knocking!”