Befuddled Existence

Hey all! I simply adore Remus and Hermione fics so I decided to try my hand in it! I do not have a beta for this story yet, so please excuse my errors! And if anyone would like to take on beta'ing this story let me know! Enjoy and Please rate and review!


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Hermione sat on the chaise, by the window staring out at the moon. It was abnormally warm for an autumn night, and she found herself in the royal blue silk nightgown, she usually wore on a night like this. She had already treated herself to a nice hot bubble bath, hoping for sleep to claim her soon after, but luck wasn’t on her side.

As many nights that she had similar to this one, you would think that she would expect what would happen next, and just accept it. She would soak in a bath filled with bubbles made from his soap, she always tried to soak in as much of his smell as she could, practically drowning herself in his smell, but it was never enough; with a sigh she’d get out and dry off, her eyes immediately seeking his favorite royal blue nightie he loved to see her in, hanging on the back of their bathroom door. As always, she would put it on and then climb in on his side of the bed, burying her head into his pillow.

It was always the same thing, she would wonder where he was and if he was alright.

She couldn’t bare thinking about him being tired and left all alone to face his inner demons by himself. She loved him so much and wished that she could somehow take all of his pain away, she would endure it all for him if she could, but unfortunately the fates had other plans for her, other plans including crying and worrying all night.

She would close her eyes and automatically reach for her pillow and pull it flush up against her body, needing to feel something up against her body or else the bed would seem just that much bigger.

After a few of endless hours of tossing and crying, turning and sobbing, she would give up on sleep, and get out of the bed, walking down the old creaky stairs for some tea, another relaxant she’d usually found completely useless on a night such as this.

After her usual tea, honey and milk, she’d settle down on the chaise by the window to look up at the night’s sky. It always seemed so proverbial to her, looking at the night’s sky, knowing every star, being very familiar with the moon. It felt as if she was looking out through his eyes, as if he was showing her what he was seeing and the one thing he came to love about his curse. ‘The only beauty of my curse,’ he’d always say.

He always called it 'his curse,' it was something he felt ashamed of, something he felt he needed to punish himself for, repeatedly. She never thought of it as a curse, just simply who he was. Everyone had their flaws and she knew she was one with many, but Remus had told her repeatedly that he loved every part of her and her so called ‘flaws’ is what separated her from the others, it was what made him love her. She nearly cried the first time he told her that, but it was soon to be replaced by anger towards him because he couldn’t understand that she felt the same way about him. She loved him; all of him, his monthly adventures is what made him, Remus.

She didn’t know how she got so lucky to have him, she didn’t want to look deeper into it either and she would never question it, because luck had a twisted sense of humor. She might wake up one day and found that it had all been a dream. That would be devastating!

She knew she should just take a sleeping drought and go back to bed; Sirius was out with him and she knew he would make sure Remus got back safe and sound to her but she highly doubted even a sleeping drought would help her.

She sighed and glanced at the end table right beside her and smiled. It was a picture of her and Remus, taking at a wizard’s carnival on their first date. He looked so nervous and unsure as he draped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, she looked up shocked by his public display, knowing that he was a fairly private man, her shock soon turned to a small grin as she caught his eyes, that’s when she knew he had her, when she looked into his bright blue eyes and saw her future filled with many happy years between them.

That was barely a year ago, only two months after that, she found herself asking Remus to make her the happiest witch in the world and move in with her. She knew she must have sounded like a dim-wit to him, looking back, she sounded like an idiot to herself. At the time all she could think of was how much she’d already loved this man, so fully and completely.

‘Swoon,’ she thought amused at her past antics.

She was shocked but very pleased when he told her he would move the rest of his stuff in the next day.

She never stopped to analyze their speedy relationship, nor did she want to. After the war she learned very quickly to enjoy life because it was not promised to anyone. Nothing was ever a guarantee anymore, except of course, her love for him.

She released the same long drawn out breath filled with relief, like she did every month, at the sight of the pink and orange rays peaking out and quickly filling the far-off horizon. Now, it was only going to be a matter of minutes that her love would be back, safe and wrapped snugly in her arms.

She got up and quickly walked towards the kitchen, determined to fix his favorite breakfast; chocolate blintzes.
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Remus got up off of the hard, ruff ground his ‘other half’ sought out for comfort before his retransformation. He was more than irritated that he was once again waking up on a hard harsh ground rather than his lovers arms, he hated his curse, he would never be good enough for Hermione, even if she didn’t know it now, she would soon come to the same realization, of that he was sure of.

“Alright there, Moony?” Sirius asked, knocking him out of his thoughts in the process.

Remus spared a glance at his friend and shook his head, picking up his pace uphill.

“Don’t tell me your back to the same self-loathing pity party that you seem to be so fond of,” Sirius huffed, gathering the rest of his belongings and throwing them on quickly.

Remus stopped abruptly in his trail, turning around ferociously to pin Sirius with a harsh glare, “Don’t talk of things you don’t know anything about,” Remus spat.

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Whoa, I’m so scarred, I’m shaking in my leather clad knickers,” he mocked, “Don’t forget who you’re talking to Remus, hiding behind your big bad wolf persona, has never and will never work on me, Moony. Do us both a favor and cut the crap. Out with it.”

Remus huffed quickly deflating with his outward breath. “Sorry mate, I just have a lot of things on my mind right not.”

Sirius eyed him apprehensively and gasped in shock when realization hit him, “you mean to tell me you haven’t yet?” Sirius let out a belly wrenching bark of laughter, “All of this time and you still haven’t asked her,” he laughed. “Wow Moony, don’t you think you’re getting a little carried away with the whole scarred of commitment thing.”

Remus snorted, “Says the wizard whose longest relationship was one week with a set of twins!”

Sirius laughed, “Jealous Remus? What, is Hermione not enough for you?”

Remus deflated again, it wasn’t that she wasn’t enough for him; it was more that he would never be enough for her. No matter what he did he’d always be half a wizard and half of a monster, there was just no getting past it.

Sirius read the emotions playing on his best mate’s face and if he was reading them correctly he had a pretty good idea what he was currently thinking about.

“You’re wrong Moony, she loves you, all of you. Anyone with half a brain can see that, but you.”

Remus shrugged and continued his walk uphill, Sirius sighed, he knew she would kill him when she found out but they needed a kick start and since his foot was free he had no qualms against lending them it. “Remus… Maybe when you get back, you and Hermione should have a long talk, a very long talk about a few things. You need to tell her how you feel and maybe she can tell you a few things too.” Sirius said grabbing his wand and disapparating, quickly before Remus could ask anything else.
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Hermione sat the finished platters on the table and decided that maybe another shower would speed up time, and perhaps relax her muscles from sitting stiff all night. She couldn’t help but too let out a little whimper when she climbed the never-ending narrow staircase to their room and from there, to the shower.

Turning the water up high on hot, she stepped out of her nightie and into the calming shower, beckoning her to relaxation. She hummed with pleasure when the hot water and steam started to loosen her muscles. She was a little disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to use Remus’s soap since she left it by that bath, but shrugged it off, soon she’d have the real thing!

Stepping out of the shower, she quickly dried off and dressed in a comfy pair of jeans and a light sweater.
She sighed, she couldn’t wait till Remus got home, she had been worried sick about him and would only stop worrying once he’d step through the front doors.

Thankfully she didn’t have to wait too long because she soon heard the front door opening and slamming shut.

“Remus!” She squealed rushing down the stairs only to stop as soon as she got a good look at the entrance. “Who are you?”


XOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOYours Truly, AimeeBass