When You\'re Gone

I know he loves me.

We’ve been together for over a year now, and he still comes home to me every night. We don’t talk much about what he’s doing while he’s out so late, but in the end he always comes back. I know he’s with other men, but I keep telling myself that until he doesn’t come back to me I have nothing to worry about.

It hurts, to be honest. I love him so much. So much that I have abandoned my friends, my life as I used to know it…all for him. I’m not sure what else I can do. I fix my hair the way he wants; I wear the clothes he buys me. When he takes me out I try to act how he’s instructed me. I’m courteous to all his friends. I try so hard to make him love me back.

I really think he does, though. Sometimes after we make love he’ll hold me, or stroke my hair, and I think he must love me. He sleeps in bed with me and wakes up with me. These men may share his body but I have to believe I have his heart. If I don’t believe that…I don’t know how I can go on living.

Harry hid his journal away and headed into the bedroom to change his clothes. He knew Draco liked it when he looked fresh, and he’d be home soon.

He missed Draco when he was at work. Draco had told him numerous times that he was free to get his own job, but Harry knew his place was at home, making life easy for the man he loved. They didn’t have a house elf because Harry truly enjoyed cooking and keeping house for Draco. When he told his boyfriend this, Draco would just shrug and say, “suit yourself.”

He had tried to remain friends with Ron and Hermione, he really had. But they had been so negative, telling him how terrible Draco was and claiming that he wasn’t good to Harry…when Harry knew that wasn’t true. He needed someone to tell him things. How could he ever fix himself without Draco there to tell him what was wrong with him? And Draco wasn’t interested in a friendship with Harry’s friends, but he’d never told him to end things…Harry had just felt it was time to move on with his life, and he couldn’t betray Draco by spending time with people who would only try to poison his mind.

**********

Draco finished addressing a stack of letters for his secretary to owl. He glanced at the time and saw that he should be getting home so he could get ready for his date – a new fellow named Erick. He wasn’t much of a conversationalist, but in Draco’s estimate he’d be a decent fuck.

Draco liked sex. It was satisfying to have Harry at home, because he was probably the best fuck Draco had ever had. He was open to absolutely anything and everything. He was great to have around in general – an excellent built-in date to parties, especially since Draco had coached him on his appearance and manners, and he cooked like a dream. He often wondered why Harry didn’t want a job, but the man had told him how much he enjoyed being home for Draco. Draco had to admit he enjoyed that, but it’s not like he would have minded if Harry wanted to work.

Harry had even stopped talking to the Weasel and Granger – now Granger-Weasley. Draco was certainly not complaining, but he was surprised to hear it. As long as he himself didn’t have to spend time with the idiots he really didn’t care if Harry did.

After all, Draco and Harry had a casual relationship. Harry had the freedom to stay at home, Draco had the freedom to date around. He still came home each night, because truth be told he was quite fond of Harry and wanted to sleep in his own bed. It was a nice way to live.

And it’s not like they were in love or anything ridiculous like that.

**********

Harry had dinner on the table minutes before Draco came through the Floo. He was excited to see Draco’s reaction because he’d made all of his favorite dishes, even two different desserts. He’d dressed in one of the outfits Draco seemed to like him in best, and he was prepared to make love to Draco all night.

Tonight was the night that Harry was finally going to summon the courage to tell Draco he loved him. And maybe he’d even hear it in return.

“Harry?” Draco came into the dining room. “Oh, sorry, did we have dinner plans?” He frowned and looked at the table.

“Hi, Draco.” Harry hurried over to kiss his lover. “I hope you like it all…”

“It looks good, too bad. I actually have a date. Just need to shower and change. Don’t wait up, all right?” Draco turned and left the room.

Harry’s knees shook badly and he sank slowly onto a chair, staring at the shadows playing over the table from the candles he’d lit.

**********

Draco was irritated by the time he made it home. Erick had been a bust – he’d spent dinner complaining about his ex-boyfriend and then had wanted to hurry home to see if there was any word from him. As he was not at all fond of hearing someone else’s name during sex, Draco called it an evening and headed back to his flat. It was early yet, so he imagined Harry would still be up – at least he’d still get laid.

Harry was not up. Draco found him huddled under the covers at the edge of the bed. He debated waking him, but he looked to be sleeping soundly so it seemed a wank would be in order. With a sigh Draco wandered back into the kitchen to get a drink, and he looked through to the dining room.

The candles that had been burning earlier were out, and the vase of black magic roses – Draco’s favorite – was sitting in the center. The place settings were still there, but the food was gone. Draco wished he’d just stayed home and enjoyed Harry’s cooking and company. Nights like this made him think about giving up dating all together.

**********

Over the next few weeks Harry found himself feeling worse and worse. He had stopped trying to convince himself Draco loved him the night he’d left him alone to go out with someone else. It hadn’t been the first time, but it had crushed Harry more than ever before.

Once, he packed a suitcase, but then Draco came home and brought him some chocolates. He’d felt his heart swell at the thoughtful gift – he hadn’t even realized Draco knew they were his favorites. Then Draco told him they were from some poor sod he’d slept with a few days before, and that he didn’t like that kind so he thought he’d see if Harry wanted him. He left soon after for another date.

Harry laid down and cried.

**********

Draco was tired. All of the men he’d been seeing lately were complete imbeciles. Why couldn’t he find anyone who was worthwhile? He thought again about giving up the scene. He had Harry at home, after all, and he was perfectly satisfying. There was just something about the feeling of power he got by burying his cock in a different hole every night, and he wasn’t ready to give that up.

Especially when Harry wasn’t interested in any sort of real commitment. He’d been quiet lately, and Draco wondered if he should talk to him about it…he hoped the man wasn’t planning on moving out. He liked having him around too much.

**********

One morning Harry woke to find Draco still beside him.

“Draco!” Harry shook his arm urgently. “Draco, you’re late for work.”

The blond opened his eyes sleepily and yawned. “No, I’m playing hooky today. I thought it’d be a great day for a picnic – some wine, sandwiches…do you think you could pack some things up?”

Harry’s face lit up. “That sounds wonderful! I’ll go start working on it. What do you want to do after the picnic?”

“I was thinking we’d have it in the park on the next block…take a walk down by that lake, maybe rent one of those little Muggle boats.”

Harry smiled dreamily. It was just the sort of day he always dreamed about sharing with Draco. They never really went out together unless it was a work function or Draco’s friends were in town, and Harry wished desperately for romantic outings. “That sounds so wonderful, Draco. I should get dressed, too, and get to work on lunch.”

“Did you have big plans today as well?”

“Oh, no, nothing important,” Harry assured him.

“Ah. Well, you should get out, go shopping or something. I imagine this little outing with Jackson should take most of the day, and if I’m lucky, the evening as well. Thanks for packing the lunch for us.” Draco slid out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

Harry felt tears burning behind his eyes as he watched his lover go. Not knowing what else to do, he went to the kitchen and began making sandwiches.

**********

Draco’s picnic went fairly well. He did manage to get a passable fuck out of Jackson. The man was boring, though. All day he’d talk and Draco would have to pinch himself to keep from nodding off. He imagined Harry would have had a blast, and at least Draco wouldn’t have been bored. Maybe he should ask the dark-haired man to do that with him sometime.

Strangely enough, he was thinking about Harry while his date rode his cock that night. Usually he was able to keep his various men straight but this one was just so…tiring. And not in a good way. Draco thrust up into him repeatedly, wishing it was Harry’s sweet arsehole he was pounding instead – he was such a better fuck than this bloke.

**********

Every day for a week Harry tried to leave Draco. He packed again and he’d stand at the front door, sometimes for hours, trying to summon the courage to go. But the images wouldn’t leave his mind – Draco grinning at him as he described his day; Draco after making love to him, just cuddling him; Draco singing in the shower.

At one time Harry had thought that by moving in together, they were agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship. Then he’d thought that Draco would one day realize he loved Harry, and stop sleeping around. Now, he knew that no matter how long he stayed, nothing would change. Draco would fuck different men, take them on dates that Harry would never go on. Harry would simply pack for the picnics he would never attend for the rest of his life, or until he managed to leave.

Harry imagined the way Draco’s hair looked in the sunlight, and he put his suitcase back in the closet.

**********

Jackson apparently thought the date had been smashing, because he pestered Draco for the next two weeks until Draco agreed to see him again. They made plans to meet at his place in the evening, because Draco was only interested in the part of the evening that had approached enjoyable.

Of course when he had Jackson bent over the couch with his arse full of Draco, he remembered his thoughts from the last time. In fact, this position made it easier to pretend it was Harry.

He wondered if he should discuss the possibility of having an exclusive relationship with Harry. Somehow it was becoming more tedious than anything to fuck different people, when he had recently found himself craving the familiarity of his lover more than anything. Take Jackson for example. He just wasn’t as tight as Harry, or as responsive. He didn’t make those little moans and sighs Harry would make when Draco nudged his prostate. His cock didn’t make Draco salivate like Harry’s did. In fact, Draco had not encountered one cock he was remotely interested in tasting lately, but just the thought of Harry’s prick had his mouth watering.

Draco came with a final thrust. He pulled out and dressed quickly. It really was time to quit messing around and just be done with it already.

**********

Draco smelled of another man’s cologne when he came to bed. It wasn’t the first time, but generally Draco showered before bed and Harry didn’t have to face the additional reminder that Draco wasn’t really his.

The next morning Harry sat in the bathroom with a kitchen knife and contemplated the quickest way to bleed out. Wrist? Throat? He wasn’t sure. His hands shook as he handled the blade. He’d written a note and left it out for Draco, just so he’d know that Harry had, in fact, loved him.

In the end he realized that poor Draco would be faced with the mess and cleanup on his own since Harry wouldn’t be able to do it. He put the knife away.

Deciding to go out and pick up some takeout for dinner, he grabbed his jacket and headed out into the Muggle area near their flat. He was crossing a street, lost in thought about Draco, and did not hear the car until it was too late.

**********

Draco frowned as he looked around the empty flat. Harry was always home when he arrived.

He found the note on the bed.

Dear Draco,

I’m sorry I had to do this the cowardly way. I have tried, so many times, to tell you, but I could never seem to do it.

I love you. I’ve tried to convince myself every day we’ve been together that you love me too, but I’m finally realizing that you don’t. I know that’s my fault. I’ve tried so hard to be what you wanted to be, I swear it, but I know I’m not clever enough or handsome enough or good enough in bed. I know that’s why you look for other men all the time. For awhile I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I gave up my friends, if I didn’t work and cooked for you and kept the flat nice…if I just loved you as hard as I could…that maybe you’d want only me one day. I can’t wait anymore; it just hurts me too much. I love you so much, Draco, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t be what you needed.

I know that you have plenty of other lovers to be with, so I hope you won’t waste time missing me. I’m not worth it, I know that now. I used to think that I might be worth loving but I know now that I’m just lucky you spent the time with me you did. I’m sorry I’m too weak to go on like this. You deserve more, and I hope you’ll get it now.

I love you,
Harry

Draco dropped the note and stared at the wall. He’s left me, he thought numbly. He slid to the floor and put his head in his hands.

**********

Harry woke up groggily. His whole body ached and he had no idea where he was.

“Draco…” he croaked.

There was no answer, and his eyes closed again.


**********


Draco had been drinking. He’d read the note about twenty times more, just to be sure that he truly was the greatest fucking idiot that had ever lived. Selfish idiot, he corrected himself. Somehow, he’d thought that Harry moving in with him didn’t need to mean the end of the everlasting buffet of cock he’d continued to enjoy. He’d never realized that the man had been so unhappy. He hadn’t seen that what he’d thought of as helpful hints had made Harry feel ugly and inadequate.

He hadn’t even known just how fucking much he’d loved Harry, and how much he would miss him now.

**********

Every time Harry woke up he found himself in the same sterile room. The stark white walls were almost too bright to look at, and he missed the warm colors he and Draco had chosen for their flat. He remembered picking the shades out with his lover and feeling as though they were starting a life together.

He wondered where Draco was, and why he hadn’t come to get him yet. He knew that the blond didn’t love him, but he’d thought he might care enough to take him home.

**********

Draco spent his days walking the streets, both in the Muggle and wizarding areas, looking for Harry. He didn’t know where to go. Harry hadn’t had any friends, not since he cut ties with the Weasleys, and Draco didn’t know what Harry did all day. He thought he remembered his lover talking once about a market he liked to visit to shop and people-watch, but which one?

It occurred to Draco, not for the first time since reading the letter, what a lonely existence Harry had been living. Maybe it would be best to stop looking and let the man move on with his life, find someone who wouldn’t be too blind to treat him as he deserved.

But he couldn’t let go, not yet. He needed to see his lover again, just once, to tell him that he was worth more than ten of Draco. He needed him to know that no one deserved love more than Harry Potter, and that he, Draco, was the lucky one for having his life touched by such greatness, even if he’d been too stupid to embrace it.

He needed Harry to know.

**********

Harry was slowly getting better. He didn’t know how long he’d been wherever he was, but he could stay awake for nearly an entire hour at a time now. The people taking care of him assured him it was normal. They kept asking if there was someone he’d like to phone, and he knew then that he was in a Muggle place of some sort. He and Draco didn’t have a phone, and he didn’t really know anyone else.

It didn’t matter. Draco likely didn’t want to hear from him anyway.

**********

Draco spent his evenings rereading the letter and drinking himself into oblivion. The paper was tattered and wrinkled and more than a little smudged.

Eventually he would stumble to the bedroom and curl up on Harry’s side of the bed. Clutching the letter, he’d bury his face in Harry’s pillow and try to breathe in what was left of his scent and drift into a fitful sleep.

**********

The doctors at the Muggle hospital told Harry he’d need surgery to mend the bones in his legs, as they were apparently too shattered to knit back together on their own. They said they were confident he would walk again.

Harry didn’t much care, but he figured walking would be useful when looking for a flat and a job. All he really wanted was to go home, but he knew Draco no longer wanted him. After all, he’d disappeared weeks before with all of his belongings in place, so if Draco had really cared he’d have come looking for him by then.

**********

“Malfoy?”

Draco looked over at the Floo blearily and scowled. “What the fuck do you want, Granger? Harry’s not here.”

“No shit, Malfoy. I’ve just spoken to him.”

“He’s at your house?” Draco stood unsteadily, his heart pounding. “Can I talk to him?”

“He’s at the Muggle hospital. My mum had to have an operation, and I saw them wheeling Harry by.”

“Why? Why is he there?”

“He was hit by a car not far from your flat.”

Draco’s hands flew to his mouth. “Is he…is he…”

“He’s all right. Lots of injuries. He was asking for you.”

“He – he was? For me?” Draco was trembling.

“Yes. He doesn’t understand why you haven’t looked for him, he thinks you don’t care about him anymore. Why haven’t you come looking for him? He’s been lying in this place, alone and afraid, for weeks. He nearly died, Draco. They had to do surgery to repair his legs, and they don’t know if he’ll be able to walk.” Even through the Floo, Draco could see the loathing and reproach on Hermione’s face, and for once he completely agreed. He deserved far more than dirty looks.

“I didn’t know it happened, Granger! He left a note saying…look, I’m going to see him, all right? Just tell him I’m coming, and…just…I’m sorry.”

Draco didn’t wait for a response as he ran out the door.

**********

Harry drifted in and out of sleep. He missed Draco. He knew that his lover was likely out with someone else, and he knew he wasn’t wanted anymore, but he wished he was there anyway.

“Harry?”

Now he was hallucinating, apparently.

“Harry, are you awake?”

He blinked several times and looked at the door. “Draco?” His voice was hoarse.

“Oh, Harry…” Draco rushed to Harry’s side and picked up his hand. “Baby, where does it hurt?”

“I…” What the hell kind of medicine did I take? Baby? Draco never talks like that. “Draco?” he tried again.

“Yes, it’s me. Harry, I’m so, so sorry.” Draco’s eyes were overflowing. “Please come home. I understand why you left me, and I won’t blame you if you still want to go, but I swear that if you come home it will all be better. It will be the way it should have been.”

“I will, when they let me.” Harry was still confused. “Left you? I don’t understand. I’m sorry, I was just getting takeout, and I wasn’t paying attention…”

“Takeout? But Harry, I got your note! I read it, I…”

“Oh, no, the note,” Harry breathed. “I forgot to take that back when I decided not to do it.”

“You weren’t going to leave me?”

“I…I was…no, I wasn’t leaving, I was going to...well, hurt myself,” Harry admitted softly. “But I changed my mind, I couldn’t leave you a mess to deal with…”

Draco inhaled sharply. “That was a fucking suicide note? You weren’t leaving? You were actually going to KILL yourself?”

“I’m sorry.”

“And you changed your mind because you didn’t want me to have to clean it up? Oh, gods, Harry…” Draco dropped into the chair beside the bed and buried his face in his hands.

“I’m sorry, Draco.” Harry’s voice was quiet. “I should have just done it.”

“You’re – oh, gods, Harry. You should not have done it, and I’m so fucking glad you didn’t. That note…you’re right, all of it. Well, no, not all of it. But that first part – I was wrong, so very wrong. I didn’t take our relationship seriously. I should have stopped seeing other men. I made you think terrible things.” Draco gripped Harry’s hand.

“You deserve…”

“I deserve to have the beating of my life. Harry, I tried to change you without realizing it hurt you. I should have been faithful to you. I…I should have told you every single day how amazing you are, how much you mean to me. But I was blind, and selfish, and I took you completely for granted.”

Harry’s eyes were wide with disbelief and it broke Draco’s heart. “You really think those things?”

“I know those things. Do you know how often lately I’ve been missing you when I was somewhere else? Or wishing it was you when I was…with someone else? I’m damn slow, but I was starting to figure it out. I’m so sorry it took this long, but Harry, I love you. So much.” Tears fell freely from Draco’s eyes and Harry stared at him.

“You love me,” he repeated. “You really love me?”

“I love you. I understand if you want to leave, Harry, because you deserve so much better, but if you stay…it’s you and only you for me. For as long as you’ll have me. And I want you to wear any clothes you want, act any way you want. I want you to make up with your friends and I’ll even try to like them.” Draco grimaced but continued. “And I’ve told you this before, but maybe you didn’t think it was all right – you can go out and work, if you want to. You don’t have to sit around all day waiting for me. You should have a life of your own.”

“I…” Harry didn’t know what to say. “They don’t know if I’ll be able to walk. They think I will, someday, but I have to have some sort of therapy…”

“Then I’ll take care of you. I’ll do everything for you that I should have been doing all along. I’ll clean up, I’ll cook…”

Harry grimaced. “Or we could get a lot of takeout.”

Draco laughed and kissed Harry’s hand again and again. “Even better.” `
“But Draco, I really do like cooking and all that for you. All…all I ever wanted was a home…and someone to love me,” he said softly, looking down.

Draco squeezed his hand. “I love you. And you’ll always have a home with me, as long as you want it. You can cook, you can clean, or not. I don’t care, as long as you’re there.”

Harry’s smile was wide. “You really love me.”

“I really, really love you,” Draco confirmed. “Don’t worry, I intend to remind you of that as often as possible. So…will you stay with me?”

“I wasn’t going to leave, Draco.”

Draco frowned. “Why not?” he asked quietly.

“Why not what?”

“Why weren’t you going to leave? I was awful, Harry. So awful that you actually tried…or were going to…” Draco swallowed hard. “I made you want to kill yourself. I don’t deserve another chance. I don’t deserve anything good, and I don’t deserve you. Oh, fuck, Harry…” Draco stood quickly. “What am I doing? I can’t do this. I have to stop being selfish. I can’t steal any more of your life.”

“What? Draco –“

“I made you want to kill yourself, Harry!” Draco cried. The tears were returning quickly. “Because of me, you wanted to die. And I have the nerve to ask you to come back home, to continue being with me when I only ever made you miserable.”

“I wasn’t – Draco, I tried to leave, so many times, but I couldn’t do it! I don’t want to leave you.”

“You only feel that way because of what I did,” Draco choked out. “Because I made you feel like nothing, like you deserved to be treated like that. And you didn’t. You don’t. You need to get far away from me so you can see that.”

“But…” Harry looked panicked. “You said you loved me, Draco!”

“I do. I love you so much that I have to do what’s right. I have to let you go.” Draco walked quickly to the door. “I – I’m so sorry, Harry. So fucking sorry.”

Harry stared at the door in disbelief as Draco walked out of his life.

**********

Draco returned to his previous routine. Each night he’d drink himself to sleep, and he’d taken to wearing some of Harry’s things.

Each day he’d walk the streets as he had previously, but he wasn’t looking for Harry any longer since he knew where he was. He wondered how long it would be until Harry got out of the hospital. He’d run into Hermione – literally – as he ran from the hospital, and he’d asked her to take care of Harry. She was stunned to see him in such a state, but had simply promised that he would have a place in her home. Draco was relieved. He couldn’t stand the thought of Harry having no one around to love him.

He took a leave of absence from his job. He tried to go in, at first, but it did nothing to distract him. He found it much more tolerable to sit on the couch, wrapped in Harry’s bathrobe, and cry until his head wanted to explode.

He thought about how Harry had once sat on that couch, in love with a man who continually hurt him and waiting for that man to come home and throw him whatever scraps of attention he could get. He tried to picture himself in Harry’s position – alone all day and then most nights while his supposed lover went out on dates, went out to fuck other men. Probably wishing for Draco to take him on some of those dates.

None of the men Draco had been with could really hold a candle to Harry, which somehow made it all worse. And now that he’d figured it out, and was truly single, he had no desire for anyone else.

He didn’t think he ever would again.

**********

Harry didn’t talk to anyone else that day. Hermione came to see him again, and didn’t press him to talk. She told him he was going to go home to stay with her, that Ron was excited about it as well. He figured that he might be grateful, once the pain went away. If the pain went away.

Funny that finally hearing Draco say all the things Harry had fantasized about left him feeling emptier than before.

**********

Draco stared into Harry’s closet. Hung neatly were all of Harry’s clothes. They were organized the way Draco liked them, and neatly pressed as Draco insisted they be.

All the clothes Draco had picked out for him.

In the back of the closet he found a box. He crouched down and opened it.

Inside he found a stack of folded clothing. An old Chudley Cannons shirt, some Gryffindor shirts, a red and gold scarf, several Weasley jumpers. All the things Harry used to love wearing before Draco had taken over his wardrobe.

Methodically Draco removed all the clothing from the closet and folded it, placed it in the box. Then he carefully hung Harry’s old, worn items. He stood back and looked at what he’d done.

He knew it should have looked like that all along.

**********

Harry was finally released from the hospital about three weeks after Draco had come to see him. Ron and Hermione turned up to collect him and tried to keep up enthusiastic chatter, but eventually gave up when Harry wouldn’t respond. He didn’t miss the worried looks his two friends exchanged every so often, but he couldn’t find the energy to assure them he would be all right.

Besides, he wasn’t sure it would be the truth, if he did manage to say it.

**********

In Harry’s bedside table, Draco found some small books. The one on top was a journal, and Draco couldn’t help himself – he opened it.

Reading all the entries put into words everything Draco had been imagining Harry was feeling. They started so hopeful, and by the end…they were almost desperate. Draco could almost picture Harry hunched over, writing these words. Why had he not paid attention? Why? He recalled having noticed that Harry was more withdrawn, but he didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t even try.

The other books were photo album. A little album full of pictures of his parents, and an album of Hogwarts photos. He flipped through the second one and saw a smiling, carefree Harry, laughing with Ron and Hermione. He thought it was a sad state of affairs that he’d referred to Harry as carefree in his thoughts when those photos were taken during Voldemort’s torment of the dark-haired boy. While dodging a megalomaniac, he’d looked happier than he did when he was with Draco.

The boy in those photos was rumpled and had messy hair and crooked glasses. Draco had often taunted him, but that’s exactly what he looked like when Draco started seeing him. He had wanted him, just as he was, and he still tried to change the man. He knew he’d give anything to be with him again, just as wrinkled and tousled as he wanted to be.

Draco replaced the journal and took the albums out into the living room. On the bookshelves, several albums of Draco’s were displayed proudly…yet Harry had felt his weren’t good enough so share the space, and his sat in the bottom of a drawer. Ironically, Harry’s albums were undoubtedly far more precious to him than Draco considered his own to be. He rarely looked through his own photos while Harry truly treasured his memories.

Draco pushed his albums aside and carefully placed Harry’s on the shelf, where they should have always been.

**********

Harry went to physical therapy several times a week to begin using his legs again. He spent a lot of time with his old friends, and even some of the other Weasleys. At times, he felt a bit like he had before things started going south with Draco.

He still thought about Draco a lot. He truly missed the man. Despite the way it had been at the end, there were many good memories, and of course the beautiful things Draco had said to him at the hospital. Harry had been so happy, so ready to return home with his love and start a new life. But Draco had run from him.

Harry knew Draco was doing it because he felt badly about the things he’d done. He just wished his lover could see that all he wanted was for them to be together.

Still, the time apart gave Harry a lot of time to think, and to remember what it had been like before he’d allowed himself to be swallowed up by their relationship. Sometimes he could imagine his life going on without Draco, and while it made him sad, he felt a bit stronger.

**********

Draco walked through the flat very slowly, looking for bits of Harry. There was the dining room table – Harry had liked a more rustic style, but Draco had sneered at it and pointed this one out. Harry had simply nodded.

The living room set was quite stylish. Draco had decided that it would be appropriate while Harry looked longingly at a big squishy sofa he’d been flopping about in moments before.

The kitchen was stocked with all of Draco’s favorite foods. The teas he liked, the biscuits he enjoyed, his choice of wines. Harry had never been one for wine, and while Draco knew several of Harry’s favorite foods none of them had a place in this kitchen.

No matter where he looked, Draco could not find much evidence that Harry Potter had lived there.

**********

Just after the holidays, Harry decided he was ready to face Draco. He wanted to get some of his things back, but he hadn’t felt comfortable going there right away.

Hermione helped him out of the car and into his wheelchair. She agreed to stay in the car while he wheeled to the door and knocked.

Draco answered the door, and just stared down at him.

“Hello, Draco,” Harry said softly.

“Harry.” Draco’s voice was scarcely above a whisper.

“May I…come in?”

“Oh, of course, come in.” Draco hurriedly moved out of the way. Harry wheeled inside and turned his chair to face Draco. He was more than a bit surprised at how haggard his former lover looked. He was thinner than usual, his hair limp, and dark circles were prominent below his eyes.

“I, um, I came to get my things. Sorry I took so long, I just…” Harry spread his hands awkwardly.

“It’s no problem. How have you been?” Draco’s eyes raked over Harry’s face hungrily, as if he couldn’t get enough of looking at him.

“I’m all right. I have to use this Muggle wheelchair until I’m recovered. I’ve been in therapy, and Hermione has been giving me some potions to help speed the healing. I’m doing pretty well, and I think I’ll be able to get rid of the chair before too long. Usually I use a Muggle walking device, but I thought I should keep my hands free to go through my things, so…” Harry rambled on nervously.

“That’s wonderful. No pain then?”

“No, not usually. Sometimes it’s rough after a session but I find if I take a pain potion right before I start it keeps the discomfort at bay.”

“Good, good.” Draco clasped his hands nervously behind his back.

“So, my things?”

“Oh! Yes…well…” Draco gestured toward the bedroom, and Harry wheeled down the hall.

He opened the closet and frowned up at the clothes hanging there. “What…what are these things doing here?”

Draco flushed and stared at the ground. “I was just looking through some things and…I saw your box of clothes. I realized that these were you, and not the things I made you wear. I just…I thought…”

“You didn’t make me wear anything, Draco.”

“No, I didn’t hold you at wandpoint when you dressed each day, but I sure as hell didn’t make you feel like you could be yourself.”

“I should have stood up for myself. I let you push me around. It’s my own fault.”

“I’m a bully, Harry. Undoubtedly I made it all seem like a big ultimatum without even realizing I was doing it. It’s how I’ve always been. I should never have tried to change anything about you.” Draco gestured to the floor. “The box is full of your other clothes. The ones I chose. They are yours, of course, but you can leave them if you don’t want them.”

Harry nodded. “All right.” He turned his chair to open his bedside drawer. Pulling out his journal, he frowned. “Oh, no…”

“What is it?”

“I had photos of my parents, they were here, I…”

“Oh, um…they’re out here now.” Draco walked out to the living room and took them from the bookshelf. “I found them, and I thought they should be out here instead of in a drawer.” He handed the books to Harry.

Harry studied him silently, and Draco squirmed under his gaze. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have touched them.”

“No, it’s all right, it’s just…I always wished things were more like this.”

“I know. They should have been. I’m so sorry I was never what you needed, Harry.”

“Me too. This…the way you are right now…this was what I always wanted. I just wanted…just to be loved, I guess.”

“I’m sorry.” Draco’s voice was tired. “Let me get your box of clothes.”

Draco carried Harry’s box to the door. “I…I’m glad you’re doing well.”

Harry looked up at Draco. “Thank you.”

“I …well…I guess I was wondering…” Draco fidgeted with the box. “Um, would you…could I maybe take you out sometime? On a date?”

Harry studied his once lover. Despite how run-down he looked, he was still the most beautiful man Harry had ever seen, and his very being ached to reach out and hold him, even just touch him. He was not over this man, not by a long shot.

Draco’s shoulders slumped in defeat at Harry’s silence. “You know, I’m sorry. I said I’d let you go, and I will. Seeing you again…I just thought…but I was wrong, so –“

“Yes.”

Draco blinked. “Yes?”

“Yes, I would love to go on a date with you. As a matter of fact, I’m available this evening, if you are.”

Draco’s face lit up with the most incredible smile Harry could remember seeing. “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“Where are we going? What should I wear?”

“Harry, you can wear robes, a suit, a Weasley jumper, a trash bag – I really don’t care. You’ll be gorgeous no matter what. And I’m only responsible for dressing myself these days.”

Harry beamed. “I can’t wait, Draco.”

Draco walked out to the car and helped him inside, then loaded his chair and box in for Hermione. “I’ll see you tonight, handsome.”

Harry grinned and waved as Hermione started the car and pulled away from the curb.

**********

Draco prepared for his date like it was the first one he’d been on. In a way, it was – the first date with the man he hoped would be the only one he’d be with for the rest of his life.

This time, he was going to do it right.

**********

I can’t believe I haven’t written in this journal in a year. I almost feel like I should start a new one, as things are so different from the last time I wrote.

After my accident, I spent time getting to know me again, and I realized that everything that happened with Draco was not my fault – or his. He walked on me because I let him, and that responsibility lies with both of us.

The wonderful news is that I have been dating him again for nearly three months, and it’s been the most incredible time of my life. For our first date, I tested his new attitude by coming to the door in my rattiest jeans and a Weasley jumper I outgrew some time ago. I wore dirty old trainers and my hair was a mess. He simply smiled at me and told me I looked incredible, then handed me a huge bouquet of lilies.

We’ve done a lot of snogging and petting, but he has yet to make love to me. I think he’s trying to go slowly for my sake, but I’m ready to shag the stuffing out of the man! Still, there’s something about the anticipation that’s so delicious. Now that I’m walking without any of my extra devices, I am dying to wrap my legs around him and feel him inside me again. It’s been far too long.

I’m thinking about asking him if I can move back home. I love Ron and Hermione but I miss waking up beside Draco – and now that things are so different I can only imagine how amazing it will be. Just last week he surprised me when I went over there – he’d gotten rid of the living room set and replaced it with this great sofa and huge chair I’d fallen in love with when we went furniture shopping all that time ago.

And talking of falling in love, I have fallen for my Draco all over again. He’s everything I ever hoped he’d be, and so much more. I feel alive, and loved, and respected.

I feel whole.

-fin-