Remus\' Job

A/N: the idea was given to me by a friend
Disclaimer: Harry Potter does not belong to me and I make no money from this.


Remus’ Job

Harry slung his backpack over his shoulder and ran to class. Today the forth years had a one day class together instead of potions. It was a sex education class and Harry planned on it being really embarrassing. He walked into the classroom and Remus was standing there. ‘Well this will be very uncomfortable.’ Harry thought.
“Well class, Madam Pomfrey was to do this but she’s ill so I’ll have to do it. Now if there are any questions just ask. To begin we will speak about the male body, then the female body, on to sex and contraception, and finally pregnancy.”
“Men are usually taller than women but they develop slower. The male has a penis and testicles. The testicles create the sperm and are located in the scrotum….”
“Why does one hang lower then the other?” Padme Patil asked.
“So they don’t hit each other.” he said. Remus knew this would be a long class. Remus remembered when he took this class, they made the teacher regret trying to teach them that.
“As a boy grows his voice changes, but most of you have gone through this. You grow underarm, facial, leg, and pubic hair. Another thing is that wet dreams and masturbation are normal.” Remus said as he read from the paper Poppy had given him.
“What’s masturbation?” Justin Finch-Fletchley asked smiling. He knew what it was but he wanted to embarrass the professor. “Do you masturbate?”
‘God I hate these kids sometimes.’ “It’s where someone pleasures themselves sexually and I don’t think you need to know that.” he Susan Bones questioned nervously.
“Wet dreams are when a young male dreams about sexually illicit things. Then ejaculates while still asleep.”
“Now on to females. Females have fallopian tubes that create eggs. Their menstrual cycles, or periods, happen when the egg leaves the uterus. Females get underarm, leg, and pubic hair. Masturbation is also normal in women.”
“Will you describe the period more and why are they so bloody?” Lavender Brown asked.
“Well the blood is to house the fetus. The blood leaves the body and begins a new. Is that all you need to know?”
“Thanks professor.”
“Are there any more questions?”
“What about gender?” Hermione Granger asked.
“There are males and females. Sometimes there are hermaphrodites, but medi-witches are able to fix that now and it is very rare.”
“What about transsexuals?” Hermione questioned.
“Transsexuals are those who are one sex but think they’re the other. This is also rare. But more common in males then females.”
“”What about sexuality?” Hermione asked again.
“Well there are three sexualities… homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality. Homosexuality is sexually attracted to the same sex, heterosexuality is liking the opposite sex, and bisexuality is for both sexes.
“What are you?”
“I’m heterosexual but I have many friends who are homosexual. Are there any questions involving the female?”
“How many holes do they have?” Blaise Zabini yelled.
“There are three… the urethra, the vagina, and the anus.” Remus flushed. ‘I’ll kill Albus.’
“How do you put on a condom?” Dean Thomas questioned.
“There are many forms of contraceptives out there. ‘Blockado’, ‘Contras Defell’, and ‘Stockadio’ are the most common. Condoms are used a lot also.”
“Sex is when two adults have intercourse. This can be between a man and a woman or two men.”
“What about two women?”
“They can do sexual things but they’re not labeled intercourse.”
“Can you tell if a guy is a virgin?” Parvati Patil asked.
“No not like you can on a woman…”
“You can tell on a woman?” Ron Weasley shouted.
“Only a doctor can.”
“Are there any other questions?”
“What’s an orgasm?” Hannah Abbot asked.
“A feeling you get during sex its usually pleasurable and intense.” Remus sighed. “Now we talk about pregnancy. It happens between a male and female, before her period when you don’t use protection. Always use protection. About the third month she begins to show and by the ninth month she usually gives birth.”
“Are there any questions about anything?”
“What about sex with werewolves?”
“Well there is always the chance the child will become a werewolf.”
“What does sperm taste like?”
“I wouldn’t know.” ‘Yeah right like that time you tasted your own. Yuck!’
“What about threesomes?” Draco Malfoy asked.
“I wouldn’t suggest them someone will get hurt.”
“What’s a blowjob?” Neville whispered.
“A blowjob is oral sex given to a man.” ‘Like the one Sirius gave you.’
“If you get off before your partner should you keep going?” Seamus asked.
“Yes, you always want your partner to be pleased too.”
‘Harry’s smiling oh god’ “ How many partners have you had?” Harry asked.
“None of your business. Class Dismissed!” ‘I’m going to kill Albus’