All That Never Was

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A young man with a strong jaw and fly-away hair sits quietly in the middle of the immense park area. Mid-day sunlight filters through the leaves casting swaying shadows over the grass, the winding cobbled paths and his sweaty face.

His hand clenches and un-clenches repeatedly, leaving a red, circular shaped print in his pale palm. He stares at the gold band fondly before closing his hand again. Where is she, he thinks apprehensively.

His feet begin to tremble unconsciously but he doesn’t notice because a squirrel has just scuttled out of a tree making him yank his head back at an almost un-human speed. Realizing that it had not been what he had expected, he sighs runs his fingers through his hair, leaving wet strands.

Twenty-five more minutes pass in nervous wait before the air beside him is disturbed. Someone had sat down. He raises his head quickly to see the face of Lily Evans untying a green scarf from around her neck.

“Lily,” he says finally after seconds of just staring at her.

“James.” She sighs while gathering up all her hair and smoothing it behind her ears. “I’m sorry that I’m so late. I had a few…errands to run.”

“Oh, of course, it’s no problem. I’ve only just gotten here a few minutes before myself.”

“Really? You look as though you’ve been waiting a good while. I… I thought you would have left already.”

“No, I really wanted to talk to you.” James smiles broadly and Lily glances at his face. She looks amused at the veins in his forehead and the tight muscles in his neck.

“James, are you having trouble, you know-” she places a hand on his stomach and raises her eyebrows. He lets out a breath he isn’t aware he is holding and his body deflates. He laughs hysterically but she only smiles, her eyes catch his clenched hand.

She removes her hand and sits up straight. “I only have five minutes to spare. I have to get back. The wind picks up and her eyes are glued to the dancing shadows.

He inhales deeply. It is now or never.

“Lily I-uh, I care very, very deeply for yo-you and I-” He swallows hard and wipes his forehead, amazed that he can fly one hundred feet into the air on a broomstick but cant string together words when it mattered.

“I-I-”

“Care very deeply for me? I think I caught that,” she replies saccharinely. “And that’s really sweet but if that’s a-”

He clears his throat loudly and is down on his knees in a flash. “What I’m trying to say- or rather ask- is this. Lily, I love you. I think it was from that first moment when I saw you on our first day to Hogwarts. I remember how stunned I was…when I saw your eyes. I don’t know what’s going to happen with this war, or me, or you. All I know is that I want to spend my life with you. I honestly don’t know what I would do without-”

“James.” She tries desperately to intervene.

“I would be the luckiest man on the face of the earth if you would be my wife and-”

“James, please-”

“Lily-”

“James!”

“Will you marry me?”

He squeezes his eyes shut and offers up an open hand. A ray of light hits the sparkling diamond sending a prism of red and green over his palm. Lily takes turns looking from James’ face, to the ring in his hands but his head is lowered so he misses the fleeting look on her face.

James, eyes still closed, awaits the feel of tiny arms wrapping around his neck, and if he’s lucky, an acceptance, but nothing happens. He opens his eyes slowly, half disappointed, half concerned to see Lily on her feet with her back to him.

“Li-” he begins.

“I’m sorry James,” she whispers slowly.

His expression slowly morphs from nervous and happy to confused and shocked. His hand closes tightly and his mouth opens. A crushing weight feel like it has lodged itself somewhere between his heart and his rib-cage halting his breathing momentarily.

“James…I’m so sorry,” she repeats.

“What-what do you mean?” He knows the question is redundant but he feels obliged to ask it. He blinks rapidly. His vision becomes blurred. He shields his eyes from the sunlight which is not the cause.

Lily still doesn’t look at him. “I can’t…I can’t marry you…James. I’m so sorry,” she sniffs. Her voice is muffled because her hand is clasped over her trembling lips.

James pockets the ring, stands, and nearly falls. He inhales deeply and steps closer to her. He grips her shoulders firmly to steady and comfort her simultaneously before turning her around to face him.

“Lily, come on don’t cry, its ok.” He pulls her into a hug. “I understand if it’s too much too soon, shh,” he coos into her hair. Her body is shaking from the sobs and her speech is incoherent.

“J-James…its n-not t-that.” The words are spoken into his robes but he catches every one. He holds her out at arms length to survey her. “What then?” The look on is face makes her cover her face and moan.

“Lily?” He asks a little more firmly.

She shakes her head vigorously.

“Is there something wrong? Are you hurt?”

She shakes her head again.

“What is it then? I don’t understand I thought we were-”

“THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE! There’s… someone else.

James stays absolutely still. He releases her quickly as if her skin had scalded him. He stares at her and yet directly through her. His breath comes out in short gasps and his hands are still out stretched, grasping at nothing.

His insides burn, they hurt like nothing he has ever felt, but his expression holds nothing. “Who?” He asks calmly. She takes a step back and does not reply. “Lily, I asked you who.”

“James, you must listen to me, I-I never wanted to hurt you in any way. I thought I loved you but I always think about him. I can never f-forget him. Oh James I wanted to tell you sooner, I wanted-”

“LILY, WHO THE FUCK IS IT?! His Eyes bulge slightly and his face looks murderous, “I WON’T ASK A-”

“It’s…Severus,” she chokes out as she searches his eyes.

James’ brow un-furrows and his features melt into disbelief. The air becomes chilly and grey clouds settle ahead. Hysteric laughter echoes through the trees.

“Snivellus? SNIVELLUS? SNIVELLUS!”

“Don’t you call-”

“Call him what? FUCKING SNIVELLUS! Lily, he doesn’t care about you the way I do! James takes a step closer to her and she in turn, steps back.

She doesn’t recognize the look in his eyes and she positions her hand over her side but it’s gone in a second.

“Lily, please… listen to me…think, think about what you’re saying please,” he implores, looking close to collapsing.

“I-we, have something special, I know we do. He’s tricked you hasn’t he. He has you under some sort of spell?” He asks hopefully but his face and heart falls when she shakes her head.

“You’ve been having an affair with him? Well technically we’re not married seeing as you don’t want me but…”

“No James! I’ve always been faithful to you, you know that.”

“Do I Lily? I thought I knew you but here you are telling me that you’re in love with another man!”

She blushes, “Who says I love him?”

“Do you?” She doesn’t reply.

“What the- . So, you’re leaving me for him, but you don’t love him and you don’t love me either? Lily that makes NO SENSE!”

“I know, I know. James, I would never hurt you intentionally. You know this!

“How is it that you think I know?”

“You know me! You know I would never do that, ever, no matter what. I’ve always been committed to you.”

“Maybe in mind but not in heart.”

She looks as though her heart has stopped.

“What-what does he have that I don’t Lily?” Once again, he moves closer to her. “Is it the dark thing? The power? What?” He is just before her.

“What must I do?” He grabs her shoulders gently. His eyes change. “WHAT! What…please tell me. I will not leave you.” The tears pour freely from his eyes and stream down his cheeks.

His grip tightens, making her squirm beneath him. He throws his arms into the air in surrender and walks away from her. He crouches down on his knees and pulls his hair. He stands again and walks in circles. He screams to the sky and sobs openly.

Loud and unrestrained, noises of sorrow and hurt rise from the depths of his soul and he cries like a child. Lily is pressed up against the tree unmoving, staring at .

“I’m sorry I’ve lied to you for so long.”

The grass is disturbed and a mist forms. James is bent over on the ground, glasses barely hanging from his ears and his hair sticks in all directions. Drizzles spray him.

The wetness on his face drips in front of him. His eyes are red and unfamiliar. “I’m sorry too.” Is all he says. And with a loud crack, he is gone.