The Only Gay in Hogsmead
folder
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,492
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,492
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Only Gay in Hogsmead
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Like many other people in Britain, every other Wednesday, I go gay. But Draco Malfoy is a full time homosexual gay. This evening, Draco is going to the Three Broomsticks.
Rosmerta: Good evening, Draco.
Draco: Good evening, Rosmerta. Bacardi and coke, please.
Rosmerta: Right you are. That’s a skimpy little number you’re wearing there.
Draco: Do you think so? I was hoping to have a little cock and bum fun tonight.
Rosmerta: Well you shouldn’t have a problem in that fluorescent PVC cat suit.
Draco: Of course I’ll have a problem, Rosmerta, I’m the only gay in the village.
Rosmerta: The only gay in Hogsmead? Don’t be silly, Draco! There are plenty of gay men around here.
Draco: Oh no, no, you’re quite wrong there. I am the only committed homosexualist. I’m as gay as a gay can be gay. A gay gay.
Rosmerta: What about that bloke over there? His wand is definitely showing an interest in you, Draco.
Draco: Don’t be so disgusting! That’s Neville Longbottom and he’s only staring at me because he’s never seen a gay man before. The homophobes are very homophobic around here.
Rosmerta: Well what about that teacher up at the school? What’s-his-name—Snape is it? He’s always sliding down some pole or other.
Draco: No he’s definitely not a sausage jockey. Gay men don’t wear long, skin tight black robes.
Rosmerta: The Minister? Fudge? He’s a packer if ever I saw one.
Draco: Definitely not.
Rosmerta: That Quidditch player, then—Harry Potter? He’s been seen hanging around the public toilets and the park. Cruising, I expect.
Draco: Are you saying that there are people here, in Hogsmead, indulging in activities of a homosexual nature?
Rosmerta: Yes Draco! I’m always drinking from the furry cup.
Draco: Yes, well that’s just lezzy stuff, it’s not proper gay. *sips his Bacardi and Coke* There’s nothing for real homosexual men to do around here. It’s so lonely being the only gay in the village.
Rosmerta: Why don’t you look in the Prophet? There’s a whole section devoted to it, here see? Lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, ah! Here we are, gay section. There’s a gay book club, a gay Potions club, there’s even a gay Wizarding Chess club! You like chess!
Draco: When is it?
Rosmerta: First Sunday of every month, 8pm.
Draco: Oh well, I’ve missed it then.
Rosmerta: No you haven’t! It’s eight now. Look, that must be them over there! *points to table seating a group of men with chess boards*Go on, go over and say hello.
Draco: I can’t walk all the way over there! These hot pants give me terrible chafe.
Rosmerta: Oh suit yourself.
Draco: Why is he looking at me like that? *Gets annoyed and stands up, PVC squeals and echoes around the pub* I’m here, I’m queer, get over it!
Rosmerta: Sit down, Draco!
Draco: I think I’ll have another Bacardi and Coke.
Rosmerta: Two in one night? Pushing the boat out aren’t we?
Draco: Yes, well, when it’s your birthday you’re allowed to. *sniffs*
Rosmerta: Did you not notice the big banner with ‘Happy Birthday Draco’ on it?
Draco: Oh! Is that for me? I didn’t think you’d remembered.
Rosmerta: Of course I remembered, can’t have my favourite customer lonely on his birthday.
Draco: I didn’t think you’d care, what with me being gay and all.
Rosmerta: Don’t be silly. Look around you, all your old school friends are here to celebrate with you.
Draco: *pulls Blaise Zabini to one side* He used to make fun of me for being gay.
Blaise: No I didn’t, Draco, you weren’t gay when we were at school.
Draco: Yes I was! I have always been gay.
Blaise: I don’t think you have, Draco. We were always friends and you were never gay when I knew you. Anyway, happy birthday.
Rosmerta: Actually Draco, it turns out that all of your old school friends are gay! Isn’t that great?
Draco: *looks horrified* No they are not! I am the only gay in this village! *pulls Ron Weasley to one side* Are you gay? You don’t look gay. Anyone can dress like that!
Ron: Er, yeah I am actually.
Draco: Is everyone here gay?
All: YES!
Draco: Right then, get out! You heard me you queer bastards, out!
Everyone shuffles out of the door.
Draco: *watches them leave* He was very nice.
Rosmerta: Gilderoy Lockhart? Oh, he’s not gay.
Draco: Pity. *sighs dramatically* It’s so hard being the only gay in the village.
***
Like many other people in Britain, every other Wednesday, I go gay. But Draco Malfoy is a full time homosexual gay. This evening, Draco is going to the Three Broomsticks.
Rosmerta: Good evening, Draco.
Draco: Good evening, Rosmerta. Bacardi and coke, please.
Rosmerta: Right you are. That’s a skimpy little number you’re wearing there.
Draco: Do you think so? I was hoping to have a little cock and bum fun tonight.
Rosmerta: Well you shouldn’t have a problem in that fluorescent PVC cat suit.
Draco: Of course I’ll have a problem, Rosmerta, I’m the only gay in the village.
Rosmerta: The only gay in Hogsmead? Don’t be silly, Draco! There are plenty of gay men around here.
Draco: Oh no, no, you’re quite wrong there. I am the only committed homosexualist. I’m as gay as a gay can be gay. A gay gay.
Rosmerta: What about that bloke over there? His wand is definitely showing an interest in you, Draco.
Draco: Don’t be so disgusting! That’s Neville Longbottom and he’s only staring at me because he’s never seen a gay man before. The homophobes are very homophobic around here.
Rosmerta: Well what about that teacher up at the school? What’s-his-name—Snape is it? He’s always sliding down some pole or other.
Draco: No he’s definitely not a sausage jockey. Gay men don’t wear long, skin tight black robes.
Rosmerta: The Minister? Fudge? He’s a packer if ever I saw one.
Draco: Definitely not.
Rosmerta: That Quidditch player, then—Harry Potter? He’s been seen hanging around the public toilets and the park. Cruising, I expect.
Draco: Are you saying that there are people here, in Hogsmead, indulging in activities of a homosexual nature?
Rosmerta: Yes Draco! I’m always drinking from the furry cup.
Draco: Yes, well that’s just lezzy stuff, it’s not proper gay. *sips his Bacardi and Coke* There’s nothing for real homosexual men to do around here. It’s so lonely being the only gay in the village.
Rosmerta: Why don’t you look in the Prophet? There’s a whole section devoted to it, here see? Lesbians, bisexuals, transgender, ah! Here we are, gay section. There’s a gay book club, a gay Potions club, there’s even a gay Wizarding Chess club! You like chess!
Draco: When is it?
Rosmerta: First Sunday of every month, 8pm.
Draco: Oh well, I’ve missed it then.
Rosmerta: No you haven’t! It’s eight now. Look, that must be them over there! *points to table seating a group of men with chess boards*Go on, go over and say hello.
Draco: I can’t walk all the way over there! These hot pants give me terrible chafe.
Rosmerta: Oh suit yourself.
Draco: Why is he looking at me like that? *Gets annoyed and stands up, PVC squeals and echoes around the pub* I’m here, I’m queer, get over it!
Rosmerta: Sit down, Draco!
Draco: I think I’ll have another Bacardi and Coke.
Rosmerta: Two in one night? Pushing the boat out aren’t we?
Draco: Yes, well, when it’s your birthday you’re allowed to. *sniffs*
Rosmerta: Did you not notice the big banner with ‘Happy Birthday Draco’ on it?
Draco: Oh! Is that for me? I didn’t think you’d remembered.
Rosmerta: Of course I remembered, can’t have my favourite customer lonely on his birthday.
Draco: I didn’t think you’d care, what with me being gay and all.
Rosmerta: Don’t be silly. Look around you, all your old school friends are here to celebrate with you.
Draco: *pulls Blaise Zabini to one side* He used to make fun of me for being gay.
Blaise: No I didn’t, Draco, you weren’t gay when we were at school.
Draco: Yes I was! I have always been gay.
Blaise: I don’t think you have, Draco. We were always friends and you were never gay when I knew you. Anyway, happy birthday.
Rosmerta: Actually Draco, it turns out that all of your old school friends are gay! Isn’t that great?
Draco: *looks horrified* No they are not! I am the only gay in this village! *pulls Ron Weasley to one side* Are you gay? You don’t look gay. Anyone can dress like that!
Ron: Er, yeah I am actually.
Draco: Is everyone here gay?
All: YES!
Draco: Right then, get out! You heard me you queer bastards, out!
Everyone shuffles out of the door.
Draco: *watches them leave* He was very nice.
Rosmerta: Gilderoy Lockhart? Oh, he’s not gay.
Draco: Pity. *sighs dramatically* It’s so hard being the only gay in the village.
***