Sometimes You've Got To

Because I couldn’t resist, here is a chaptered, I guess it still might be considered a ‘songfic,’ story to the song ‘Fuck Her Gently’ by Tenacious D. I am also trying my hand at first person perspective. It is set in seventh year as if the war occurred over the summer. It is canon except for book seven. The song lyrics will come into play more once I get the background set. Thank you ichi.ruki if you read this, you were the first and only story I ever read from 1st person, and it is what got me to try to write my own. Hopefully that's ok I don't mean to copy you!

Summary: Thanks to Auntie Bella, Malfoy has to relearn everything from his school years- everything. Only Hermione isn’t exactly qualified to teach some things. Let’s get into Hermione’s head and see what happens when they try to learn sex from her precious books.

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This is a story for the ladies, but fellas listen closely…

Here I am, on my first day back to school for my final year, and my mind is flooded with horror instead of excitement. I’ve just been given this fateful news, you see. McGonagall… pshh… that old cow thinks she’s being funny or something. Well I am not amused! I did nothing to deserve this, and I will not back down without a fight!

“Miss Granger, please understand, we don’t wish to fight with you on this subject,” she says. Well too bad for her, I want to fight damn it!

“With the war ending mere weeks ago, I’m sure you are weary of fighting as well.”

Shows how much she knows. They can’t do this to me, not in my final year, not when I just want to get on with my life and enjoy Head Girl-dom in peace. Don’t they understand that no matter how much the little ferret has been through, he will still be that little furry ferret arse hole?

“Why Professor? Why does it have to be me? He hates me!” I whine. I’ve never been one for dramatics, but if they will do the job I will never speak another harsh word against them.

“You know as well as I that you are the only student able to take on the seventh year workload and still have the time necessary to dedicate to Mr. Malfoy. Mr. Potter can help with certain things, but I expect you to do the majority of the tutoring. The Head dormitory has already been set up to accommodate for the extra person.”

Oh that’s right, I had almost forgotten. Harry had been named Head Boy, and we are both supposed to share our dorms with the bane of our existence. So what if he might have helped Harry take down Voldemort? He is still a traitorous, Death Eater rat who will sooner burn his hands off than save me if I was falling off a cliff. So what if turning against Voldemort is probably why he needs my help to relearn everything? If he would have just turned himself in last year he wouldn’t be in this mess! I wouldn’t be in this mess! Which brings me to my next point…

“Professor, there is no way he is going to be accepted back after he tried to kill Dumbledore. I mean, he- he tried to kill Dumbledore! And now Dumbledore is dead!”

“Dead yes, Miss Granger, but by my own hand, not Mr. Malfoy’s or Severus’s, as you very well know by now. The events that occurred that night are only really known by few. There are many rumors, and as the war started soon after I’m afraid my death was overshadowed. By now I’m sure the last thing on the students’ minds is my death and who was responsible. They all have their own losses to grieve for now.”

My eyes are practically bulging out at this point. Over six years in the magical world, you’d think I’d be accustomed to a measly talking portrait by now! Well that settles it, then. I can’t argue with Dumbledore, not even creepy portrait Dumbledore.

“Fine.” I glare at them both, just because I am giving in does not mean I have to be happy about it. McGonagall is now beaming at me, Dumbledore is just staring. The urge to claw at their sickly, happy faces is making my own contort in a fiendish, maniacal scowl.

“We expect you and Mr. Potter to keep this entire affair confidential. As far as everyone is aware, Mr. Malfoy is sharing the Head duties with you two.”

Well that was just super. Not only do I have to spend all this time with the ferret prince, I can’t even tell people why and get the simple satisfaction of making his life miserable. The ridicule he would endure on my behalf would have been enough to get me through this horrible ordeal, but now I don’t even get that. Nobody loves me.

“Fine,” I grumble again, still using my ‘depraved but misunderstood’ child act. McGona-cow is frowning at me now. Maybe I went a little overboard. It really is unlike me to argue with anything a Professor says, especially one that is now my Headmistress. I am just so angry at the circumstances. It’s so unfair that after everything I’ve been though I can’t just have one peaceful, and most of all normal year at school. Was that so much to ask?

And what about Harry? He of all people deserved a year of normalcy. To have the only worry be what grade he would get on an exam and not who was plotting to kill him. Malfoy would never let him have that, no matter how addled his brain may be. Poor Harry. I will just have to deal with Malfoy as much as possible to make sure he can’t ruin things for Harry. I owe him that much, he has saved my life more than I can count on one hand. Unfortunately, I can’t even begin to list them, because the Headmistress is talking again. Though I am blatantly being rude by arguing (even I can’t deny that), I don’t want to seem like I have no manners at all.

“I’m glad you’ve accepted, however grudgingly. Mr. Malfoy has been through a serious ordeal, and I think you’ll be surprised to find he has changed as much as we all have. He was tortured at the hands of his own aunt, who has been known for her prowess with the Cruciatus curse. It is a wonder that he is still with us today. He lost just as much as we all have in this war. His father and his two best friends are in Azkaban. He had to sit trial against his own family, and he doesn’t remember a single spell. Though he will be attending normal lessons with his house to keep up appearances, he really is starting all over. It’s up to you to see that he catches up. I have confidence that you can put old animosities aside and help him.”

So now, on top of everything, she was making me feel guilty for not wanting to help him. I don’t know why I ever looked up to her. She had a point though, Malfoy was on his own this year. I sigh to myself. It was time to turn back into Hermione Granger, model student, teacher’s pet, best friend of the Chosen Boy Who Killed Voldemort for Good… Finally.

“Of course I will try, Headmistress.”

I will try, I tell myself… if he does.


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I soon learned that trying was overrated. The only consolation was that Malfoy seemed just as miserable about the circumstances as I am. After three weeks we are still practicing the simplest spells. I almost feel sorry for him… almost.

“For the last time, it’s win-GAR-dee-um lev-ee-OH-sa,” I tell him like I’m talking to a mentally challenged two-year old. He swishes, he flicks, and yet still the feather does nothing but lie there. The next second Malfoy throws his wand across the room in frustration. It’s funny, no one else has even noticed that the professors haven’t been asking him any questions, and that in Potions I’m always paired with him so I can do all the work. Really, I think it’s quite obvious that he’s now worse off than his ex-cronies.

“It’s hopeless, it’s fucking hopeless,” he growls solemnly. This is the first time he’s broken down like this. It’s also the first time I feel a tad bit sorry for him, and a lot guilty that I haven’t exactly been nurturing. To be honest, I’ve made it a point to make him feel like an idiot. I actually started out showing off spells that most seventh years don’t even know, then told him to do them just so I could watch him fail. Not my finest moment, but at the time I felt like it was.

“It’s not hopeless,” I say, almost kindly. “You just aren’t trying hard enough.” Yeah, that was a little harsh, oh well.

This does not seem to soothe him. In fact, I think I can see the vein on his neck throbbing. No wait, that’s his Adam’s apple…

“That’s just it, Granger. I shouldn’t have to try! I should know all this!” he screams, fisting his hands in his hair. It looks really soft, if my hair looked like his I’d fist it too, so I can’t blame him for his choice gesture. His hair doesn’t quell his tirade, however. He gets up to stomp after his wand. It rolled underneath the couch so he has to bend down and reach blindly underneath it before he has it. I smirk at this… That’s right… get on your knees ferret…

“Wingardium Leviosa!” he shouts a second later. The feather actually seems to wilt a bit, instead of fly. His face is tinged pink with anger at this point. As if on cue Harry then peeks over the balcony.

“Malfoy, did you forget how to use that dangly thing between your legs or do you just enjoy pissing on the damn toilet seat!?”

“Only the best for you, Potter,” he scowls up at him. But it was too late. The look on his face that was there for a split second said it all. Harry obviously hadn’t noticed anything because he had already stormed off, but I saw it. I saw it all.

Muah-ha-ha….

Malfoy is even more flustered at this point. I don’t know how to approach him with my newly discovered information. This weird feeling has come over me. I have the greatest bit of dirt on the ferret who brought back the word ‘mudblood,’ sold lies about me to Rita Skeeter, spent a year plotting to kill Dumbledore, and the list just goes on and on… And yet, I don’t want to use it against him. I don’t want to taunt him about it. I’ve gone loopy.

“Malfoy look…” I start off. He isn’t looking at me, he’s scowling at the spot where Harry just left, but I know he can hear me so I continue. “If there are other things you umm… need help with… I can find you a book you need or… maybe Harry can show you….”

“What are you talking about, Granger?” he snarls. Now I really don’t know how to approach this. I’m all for the occasional swear word, but I can’t help it if the word ‘penis’ makes me blush. They shouldn’t have made it such a funny word. They should just call it a ‘man part.’ Wait, I can call it a man part! Well now that that’s settled I might as well just come out with it.

“Did you forget other things? You know, like how to use your man parts?” Ah, that wasn’t so bad.

“Fuck you, Granger. Just because I can’t use my wand doesn’t mean I can’t hit you… even if you are supposedly a girl. And by wand I mean this fucking useless piece of wood… and by fucking useless piece of wood I mean this bloody thing!”

He was wagging his wand at me now- his wizard’s wand… err… the one used for magic… err… The one from Ollivander! Still, I could see the inner turmoil going on behind his eyes, and for the first time since I was told to tutor the Slytherin ferret, I actually want to help. I don’t know why at all, this should be the last thing I want to assist him with. But I can’t help to think of how awful it would be to lose all the schooling from my very first year, and I know that Malfoy was one of the top students. He also had quite the reputation for being umm… experienced. I should totally throw this in his face right now. After everything he’s put me through it wouldn’t even be revenge, it would be karma. I don’t want to go against the Gods by being nice! I decide to test the waters, just incase.

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” I say. I cautiously look around, but I am yet to be struck down by lightning so I decide to be the bigger person and ‘put old animosities aside,’ like McGonagall wanted me to. I am oddly excited about where our conversation is veering. This is the taboo topic I never talk to Harry and Ron about. I can’t even picture them doing that, it’s just, well, gross!

I’ve read all about sex of course. Actually that is an understatement, I pick up anything I can find on the subject and study it until I have it memorized. I think I’m so bad the whole time I’m reading it, but I can’t seem to stop. It’s like I have all these needs, but I can’t even admit to myself that I have them. I’m stuck in my own bloody stereotype of the prude bookworm. It doesn’t help that I would probably put the entire school into cardiac arrest if I did anything more than hold hands. Hell, all I did was kiss Krum and Ron almost lost an artery.

It’s really unfair that they still treat me like a little girl. Do they think I’m going to remain a virgin until I’m 40 or something? The whole double standards for guys and girls and me (yes, I get my own category), is just wrong! Malfoy can have all the sex he wants, but I wear a skirt that shows half a kneecap and I’m labeled a scarlet woman. I am a woman and I do have needs, just like Malfoy is a man with needs, only what he needs is a new brain and a new personality. I could go on an on about the many Malfoy faults of course, but I should probably return to our conversation now. I don’t want him to think that I’m the one with the curse induced mental defect.

“I have read books on that umm… particular subject, and find them to be quite helpful.”

I am ashamed of myself. I might as well have come right out and told him that I have all the experience of a pine needle while I’m at it. It’s not my fault I spend all my time saving the world with Harry instead of working on my relationships. It’s not like I haven’t read all about what goes on, and where, and for how long, so when the time comes I’ll be an expert. Err… if the time comes.

“I’m sure you have read all about it, and I hate to break this to your prude little virgin brain, but this isn’t exactly something you learn from books. It took me the better portion of a year to get where I was, and now that’s all fucking gone. All my hard work flushed down the fucking toilet.”

He sounds really bitter, and I can’t really understand why. Sex doesn’t seem that complicated from what I’ve read. It goes in the hole! If three year olds can play putt putt golf I think a seventeen year old can grasp the concept of sex. It’s not like he can’t relearn it, as long as he’s better at it than charms he should be fine. I don’t even know why I’m getting into this with him. I’m getting all hot and bothered and talking about things I can’t even discuss with my best friends, with Malfoy. Malfoy is not my friend, he’s my unfortunate acquaintance and nothing more. I need to end this now before we start having a real conversation. The horror!

“I’ll get you my book,” I say in my finest businesswoman voice.

“Don’t bother, Granger. If you think sex can be learned from a book then you’re even worse off than I am.”

“That’s not true!” I shout indignantly. I can’t believe we are even still having this conversation, but Hell will freeze over before I let it end on his terms. “I know everything there is to know about sex, and I learned it all from very informational, scientific books. Just like I learned all the spells I am trying to teach you from books. There is no difference.”

The little rodent actually has the audacity to roll his eyes at me at this point. He makes me so angry, and yet, I can’t help but to notice that he looks kind of nice tonight, in a weird, ferrety sort of way of course. This is the first time I’ve ever seen actual emotion come out of him. It makes him seem so… human. He also hasn’t called me a mudblood yet. We’ve been sitting here for over two hours. That has to be some kind of record.

“That just shows how much you know,” he scowls, brining down his ‘looking kind of nice’ points a couple notches. “You think I don’t know the spells? Wingardium Leviosa, Accio, Alohomora, Locomotor Mortis, Stupefy, Tarantallegra, Expelliarmus! I know all the fucking spells, I just can’t fucking do them anymore! It takes practice! Not even you, as the perfect little mudblood know-it-all, arrived here first day of first year knowing all the spells, no matter how many times you compulsively read the textbooks!”

He was doing so well with the mudblood thing. Oh well, it’s still a record. Besides, he had a point. Of course, I will sooner lick his hairy man legs than admit it to him. Spells weren’t only learned from books. A certain magical force had to be perfected and applied to each specific spell in order for it to be cast correctly, and that was just learned through practice- trial and error.

So, if Malfoy is correct, which I am still not admitting, only speculating the ‘if’ part, then sex can’t be learned entirely from books. Which means… Oh Merlin, I could be bad at sex my first time! I never imagined that would be the case when picturing that fateful night. I always thought it would be perfect and romantic. Not awkward and uncomfortable. This was all very disconcerting. I can’t be bad at sex, I just can’t be. If I have to worry about performing when I finally do get a guy to date me, I’ll never make it past the kissing. Maybe there’s a reason the bookworm stereotype is a prude.

“Granger, you know I’m right about this,” he sneers and shoots me that pompous little smirk of his.

“Fine, if you’re right, then why don’t you start practicing with Pansy?” I ask.

“Yeah right, Girls talk, Granger.”

I’m about to argue this point but he sees it coming and cuts me off.

“Ok, girls that aren’t you talk. If it gets out that I’m not up to par I’ll never get another date, booty call, or random hookup again. My reputation will be ruined. I’d rather die.”

Again, I concede that he has a point. It was soon becoming another one of his many annoying habits.

“Oh…” is all I can manage to say. I think for a moment. His morals don’t seem to be exactly saint-like. Perhaps if I make a crude suggestion it won’t even be out of the ordinary. “Have you considered, you know… hired help?”

“No, have you?” he asks with a scoff. The nerve of him!

“Of course not! I just thought that that was what pureblooded wizards did!”

“I’m not some kind of animal,” he growls. Then suddenly his expression changes and he just looks tired and hopeless. He leans back in his chair and rubs his temples. Again, I feel guilty for my suggestion.

“I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry,” I mumble grudgingly. He lets out a miserable sigh. The darn mothering instinct is starting to kick in, threatening to make me do something insane to comfort him. “If it makes you feel any better, you’ve got me feeling completely scared out of my wits for my first time,” I admit. It’s official, I’m insane. I’m practically ‘fraternizing with the enemy’. Ron would be so proud.

“You know, that actually does. Thanks Granger.” The words have no sarcastic bite to them. Oh bloody Hell, Malfoy is being sincere! Malfoy is being sincere and I am itching to suggest what I think we both want me to suggest, but I can’t even come out and suggest to myself. I should probably start digging a hole in the ground to check on the climate down there right about now.

“You’re welcome….”

Ah, the awkward silence. We are both thinking it, I know we are. It just seems like the obvious solution to both our problems. I mean, I would never tell anyone, and he would definitely never tell anyone. It would just be sex! Not even sex, more like a business deal. I could be the bigger person and suggest it, just because now I am curious to what he would say. Ok I will… now…

“….”

I can do this! I can! If he shoots it down it’s not like he can tell anyone I asked. He knows for a fact that I have way worse on him. I’m just going to come out and say it. I think it is a small price to pay for the perfect first time with the one I love.

“You know… we could… you know…” Hmm... maybe this was easier said than done.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he says to me. I jump to attention. I’d much rather him suggest this so I don’t have to. “It’s not a good idea.”

“Oh…” Then, because I just can’t seem to hold my damn tongue. “Why?”

He looks thoughtful for a moment before answering. “In my experience, girls have a hard time separating sex from love.”

“Yes but those are girls who actually like you!” I retort. I don’t know why I am arguing this, I should just shut up while I’m ahead and not face-to-face with the Slytherin’s snake, but I don’t. “I’m not stupid enough to mix those two, not with you. I mean this could really work. No one else would know and we’d both be good in bed. It’s a win-win situation!”

Holy hairy beast, I can’t believe I just said that! Scratch that, I can’t believe I actually want him to agree. I’m dreaming. I’ll wake up tomorrow and none of this will have happened. I pinch myself just to check, and it does kind of hurt. And now Malfoy is just sitting over there wearing his cocky little smirk. What on Earth have I gotten myself into?

“You really think you could do this and not even tell your two goony friends?” he asks, raising an eyebrow at me.

“Yes, it’s not like I’d be lying to them outright. We just don’t talk about that kind of thing,” I shrug. It is the truth, after all. Malfoy looks deep in thought. He catches me staring so I quickly look away to admire a stain on the carpet.

La-di-da…

“Alright Granger, I think it’s time to show you how much books can’t teach. Let the torture begin.”



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So what do you think? This has been a little side project of mine for quite some time, and now I am finally satisfied with it enough to post. Don’t worry, my other stories won’t be abandoned. The next chapter of ‘Cruel’ is in its final stages and I even have an ending coming for Gone Astray. Also I would love if you read my most recent little one shot “Chasing Ghosts,” it’s my personal favorite to everything I’ve written so far. HUGEST thanks ever to all of you who have ever taken the time to review one of my stories, I really don’t think I can say that enough!