Lucius\'s insights about farting
Lucius's insights about farting
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Disclaimer: These insights are from book „The Alphabet
of Manliness“ by Maddox. Other is my imagination.
Lucius's
insights about farting
I'm Lucius Malfoy and this is my insights about
farting.
If you want to fart right, you must know that's
everything OK with your butt. Not only critical for making a clean cut while
taking a shit, the strength of your arse's sphincter is an often-overlooked
component of farting. If you have a weak muscle, you won't be able to keep your
butt hole shut tight enough to build pressure. Instead, you'll find yourself
„leaking“ all the time. This is a highly undesirable condition that causes you
to constantly stink, wafting your odors behind you like a kite tail wherever
you go. If you happen to have a weak shit-hole, are you doomed to smell like
shit the rest of your life, or is there something that can be done about it?
Fortunately, there are a few things you can do to improve your sphincteral
health:
- Stop
taking it up the ass. If you're prone to kinky sex (
as I am ), like fisting or strange objects insertion, cut it out. Your ass
is not a storage space. If you find yourself sticking things up your ass
when you're bored, what you need is a hobby. Consider playing with animals
or collecting magic wands, but don't put the hampsters or the magic wands
up your ass. - Shave.
While it's manly to have a beard, having too much
beard will make you look like a drifter. Shaving your ass will help
improve the health of your anus by reducing the likelihood of a cavity
search. - Cut
down on cheese and foods heavy in oils. Too much oil
will make it difficult to keep your shit-hole shut when you want to build
pressure, and too much cheese will make it difficult to open.
FART
DENSITY:
A fart density is usually an indicator of a fart's
potency. Once free from the confines of your colon, a fart will briefly rise,
and then as it cools, it will begin to descend on its surroundings like a thick
blanket of green fog, asphyxiating animals and small children around it (
especially muggles, because they don't have magic to protect themselves ). The
best kinds of farts are the ones you can feel – not just indirectly through
vibrations, but the actual weight of the fart itself.
Some farts are so thick, so massive, that they can
manipulate, and be manipulated by, solid objects around you. When someone drops
a shit bomb next to you, you need to act fast to pass that ass-bouquet away
from you as quickly as possible. Grab something and start fanning it away from
you, toward the direction of the assailant if you can.
SPREADING
THE STINK:
A fart that isn't smelt is a fart surely wasted. What
good is it to let one off if you can't share your fecal phantom with your badly
friends and muggles? These are my technique how to trow shit bombs without
using magic:
- Immediately
after farting, use your hands to collect and compact your atmospheric
discharge, like you would if were making a snowball. Make sure to put your
palms next to your hip to get the most leverage for the next step. - With your anal
aura packed tightly in your hands, swing your hands out in front of your
chest, putting your palms together, facing outward toward your opponent.
If done correctly, your victim should become overwhelmed by your ass
blast, and will attempt to hold back tears from his or her watering eyes.
escalator:
Crowded escalators are the perfect place to drop a bomb
because it's nearly impossible to tell who the farter is. The best location is
on an escalator to let loose is near the bottom third of the stretch, as
opposed to when you first get on. The reason you should wait a bit is to check
to make sure that other people will get behind you, otherwise it's a wasted
effort. Try to fluctuate the sphincteral muscle so that your fart makes only
the slightest hiss – then „sit back“ and enjoy as the people behind you slowly
traverse through your shit trail. This is one of the few occasions where having
a loose colon might be slightly advantegous.
Another great way to disperse your fart without getting
noticed is by farting in front of an air conditioner, a fan, or an air intake
vent. I enjoy doing this on crowded muggle's places. Of these places, a fan is
probably your best bet for a clean execution because an air conditioner that's
set too high might cool your fart down very fast, causing it to sink to the
floor before it hits anyone's nostrils, while most air intake vents are so
large that your farts will be diluted in the catacombs of insulation. The
stealth aspect of cutting one in front of a fan comes from the amorphous nature
of a fart cloud, make it difficult to trace the origin of a fart passer with
any degree of accuracy.
This is your chance to pawn off your misdeed on someone
else, but not before you build a sizeable repertoire of blame and counterblame
strategies:
the bullet:
Shifting the blame of a fart from you to someone else
doesn't require much effort if you come prepared. One way to shift the blame is
to ask questions – that is, put on your best poker face, play dumb, nd pretend
you don't know what happend. While this approach works, it's a bit passive and
has a degree of uncertainty involved, like a game of Russian roulette. For
example, if you're in a room of five people, you know for a fact that someone
farted because you can all smell it. Someone will eventually take the blame, so
although pretending like it wasn't you can be useful, it's not a foolproof
method.
This is where the fart-rhyme comes in. It's understood
that in all fart disputes, the person who is able to to say the cleverest
rhyming is innocent party and shall be absolved of all guilt associated with
the misdeed, even if he actually did the crime.
For example, here's a hypothetical demonstration if two
masters battled each other:
GUY 1: Who farted?
GUY 2: He who observed it served it.
GUY 1: He who said the rhyme did the crime.
GUY 2: Whoever spoke last off the blast.
GUY 1: The next who speaks is the person who reeks.
GUY 2: The guy who spoke let off the smoke.
GUY 1: The guy with the excuse set the fuse.
GUY 2: He who first detected it ejected it.
GUY 1: ... I didn't fart.
From this brief exchange, it's clear that Guy 1 is the
guilty party because he failed to give a rebuttal in the form of a rhyme. Learn
the rhymes and use them; the system never fails.
As much I love to produce or deflect a fart, it's also
important to me how to classify one so that you know how to deal with it. You
wouldn't want to try to deflect a fart with couch cushions and pillows by
mistake if the fart is diffuse. I wrote an glossary of gas to help me enrich
ass vocabulary.
CLASSIFICATION
OF FARTS:
the wind:
A classic or formal expression of your ass used to
refer to the act of passing fart. You can't fix smelly wind that is broken, but
since it's released on Earth, nobody really cares to much if you break it.
wind:
Like Breaking the wind, a Tropical wind is fart that
comes from the butt of tropical islanders who primarily eating on papayas,
pineapples and coconuts. This gives to their farts a pleasant, slightly fruity
smell, and is probably good for your skin, too. I know that because Narcissa
and I always on winter enjoy vacation on tropical islands.
secret recipe:
This one occur if you love Narcissa's cooking. Thank
Merlin for our elfs and their great cooking skills because I would starved to
death if I living only on her cooking. It's a fart that comprising eleven
secret herbs and spices, usually after a dose of chicken she love to prepare,
because of her mamma's secret chicken's recipe. You'd swear you were smelling 1/2
tsp black pepper, 1/2
tsp salt, 1 tsp chopped parsley, 2
tsp onion powder, 1/2
powder, 1/2 tsp
seasoned salt, and 1 cup of flour. But you're not. It's a secret.
can't believe it's not butter:
Sometimes when a person tries too hart to squeeze one
out – perhaps to impress a date or a new friend – he'll squeeze so violently
that the farts starts out with a high-pitched squeal that will turn into a low
rumbling gurgle. Everyone suspects the worst, but when you go to the bathroom
for a safety wipe, you find that you're dry and all is well. In spite of the sound
and feeling of slippage, you can't believe that you got lucky enough to avoid
the mild shit dribble of a failed fart attempt, sometimes known as butter.
evil:
Ocassionally, a fart will be so bad that no amount of
fanning, deodorizers and tears will make it go away. The fart will cake itself
in your clothes, carpet and hair. Nothing new will never smell the same, and if
ground zero happens to be your couch, you'll get a new blast of ass air every
time you compress the cushions by sitting on them. These farts can sometimes be
so pungent that you can tast them. It happens at muggle's houses because we,
noble wizards, uses magic wands to destroy such a odor.
are my favorite for humilliation when I'm in bad mood:
fart from the heart:
When you're in a „romantic“ setting with a woman, you
look her in the eyes and say „there's something I've been yearning to tell you“
then just as her eyes start to water, hold her hands and let one loose. She'll
be so pissed that she'll try to slap you, but you're already holding her hands,
so hold them tight so she gets a good whiff.
oven:
If you happen to be in bed sleeping ( after the badly
fucking ) with someone, what you do is drop the nastiest, juiciest broccoli
fart under the covers. Then, while your partner is still sleeping, lift the
covers over her head and then wait until the fart dissipates. If she wakes up,
try to keep her head under the covers for at least ten seconds. The struggling
will cause her to take deep breaths, sucking in more of your noxious fart with
every desperate gasp for fresh air.
oven surprise:
Like the Dutch oven, but if you force your fart too
hard, you get a surprise bunch of freshly baked dutch oven brownies or in
simple words – shits. If it's your bed, get up and change immediately so it
doesn't spill. If it's her bed, it can wait until morning.
throat quencher:
This is administered while you're hanging out with a bunch
of badly friends. When one of them passes out on your couch, after he puked on
your best leather covers, quietly bring your ass as close to his mouth as
possible, then bust that breeze straight down his throat. This dosage may give
him strep throat, and may cause permanent scarring.