Inexperienced Curry Taster
Inexperienced Curry Taster
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Disclaimer: The character of
Lucius Malfoy belongs to J.K.Rowling. I am only borrowing him for a while. No
copyright transgressions are intended and no profit is made.
Inexperienced Curry Taster
Notes
from an inexperienced curry taster named Lucius Malfoy, who was visiting London.
"Recently
I was selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon ( muggles have tasty beers! ) when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges ( couple of local Indians )
that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. I know they're muggles, but I
secretly love their cooking. Here are the scorecards from the event."
Curry
# 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE
ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE
TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
LUCIUS
MALFOY: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These muggles are crazy.
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
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JUDGE
ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE
TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
LUCIUS
MALFOY: I never thought that I would say this, but - Keep this out of reach of
children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face. If my hair were red, I would
look like a carrot!
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the
Barn curry
JUDGE
ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE
TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
LUCIUS
MALFOY: It's like a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
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JUDGE
ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a curry.
LUCIUS
MALFOY: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it,
is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Aysha, the Indian barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills; bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry
# 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE
ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE
TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
LUCIUS
MALFOY: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain
damage. Aysha saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them!
"Times New Roman";mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";color:black;
mso-fareast-language:HR'>Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
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JUDGE
ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE
TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
LUCIUS
MALFOY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Aysha, she
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone! My best silk pants!
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mso-fareast-language:HR'>Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
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JUDGE
ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE
TWO: Hm, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the
last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. What he almost
said? „Avadra...“?
LUCIUS
MALFOY: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it! I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Fucking
mudbloods! And MY fucking urge for their beer, too!
"Times New Roman";mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";color:black;
mso-fareast-language:HR'>Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
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JUDGE
ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE
TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to
see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 ( Lucius Malfoy ) passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
LUCIUS
MALFOY: ( editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report )
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
color:black;mso-fareast-language:HR'>After hospital, Lucius decided to put new
torture for muggles – HOT CURRY.