The Lonely Years

The First Night Alone

Chapter Summary: Sirius and Remus have an argument, leaving Remus to go through his first Transformation alone since the Marauders had become Animagi. When he wakes up, his world will be changed forever.

Like Nox, this was written before reading Half-Blood Prince. I don't know if it's worth continuing - if I get one review saying that you want more, I'll start writing the next chapter. Promise.


"For the love of Merlin, will you tell me what's going on?!" I shouted at you.

I had come back from a three-week mission that Dumbledore had sent me on just ten minutes ago, and we had been arguing from the moment I stepped through the door. You had been growing distant for some time before I left, but I had refused to believe it was as bad as it really was. In a time when strangers, lovers, your own family could betray you, I had never suspected you, my mate. Until that night.

"Why don't you tell me?" You shouted back. "Where do you keep disappearing to? No one knew where you were!"

"Dumbledore sent me away! I was trying to recruit more help from the packs!" I was devastated. You thought I was the traitor. No one had thought to tell you where I was, and I hadn't had a chance to get word to you. "I told Peter - you were at work when I had to leave, I had to go as soon as I was told."

"Then why didn't he tell me?" You screamed.

"Ask him! Stop shouting at me and ask him!" I yelled back.

With a final 'Fine!', you pushed past me and stormed out of the house. I was about to follow you, try to talk some sense into you, when I remembered what night it was.

I whimpered, then turned and made my way to the basement. The moon would rise within the hour. And for the first time in years, I would be alone for a Change.

***

I opened my eyes to see Albus kneeling over me, face ashen. I tried to sit up, but was stopped by the pain. I hadn't known pain like this since my final transformation before my friends became Animagi. I fought to stay conscious, even though I knew it had been a bad Change. I could tell from the amount of furniture that had been destroyed. That and the fact it was almost noon, and I was only just waking up.

"Remus, can you speak?"

Albus' voice seemed to be coming from miles away. I swallowed, tasting blood, then managed a whisper.

"If you can hear me, I must be able." The memory of the argument, and the subsequent night alone, had come back. I was upset with Albus for not telling you. That must be what he'd come for - to apologise.

But no - if you had been told the truth, you'd have been there. You would have come home during the night and been with me. Instead, I had been alone, and Albus was here, looking like someone had killed...

I was instantly filled with dread. "Where's Sirius?" I whispered, voice shaking. Albus shook his head.

"We don't know. Remus... this is going to be hard for you."

"Why? Is he on a mission? Has he been sent away?" The dread didn't let up. I'd known that you would be going into hiding after becoming James and Lily's secret keeper, but I had assumed that you would take me with you. Surely you hadn't gone into hiding without me?

"No Remus." Albus took a moment, then looked me straight in the eye. "He was the traitor. He led Voldemort to James and Lily. I'm sorry... they're dead."

***

The next few days passed in a daze. Even now, I can't tell what was real and what was dream. I longed for you to walk through my door again, to tell me it was all a mistake, that something had happened to make everyone believe it was you when it wasn't really. But as I found out more, the less I could deny what seemed to be the truth. My Sirius - the man I had given my heart to - had betrayed us all.

Then, when I was recovered from my transformation, I had another shock. I was to be arrested. The Ministry couldn't believe that I had lived with you for so long without knowing that you were the traitor. Of course, my being a werewolf didn't help any. The fierce devotion of werewolf to mate has been well-documented over the years, and I was sure that despite my innocence, I was going to be sent to Azkaban as well.

That was until Albus stepped in. He testified for me, saying that less well-known, but even stronger, was a werewolf's devotion to their pack. He was firmly convinced, and quite rightly, that if I had known of your betrayal, I would have turned on you in order to keep my pack safe.

There are some bleeding-hearts who insist that werewolves are simply humans that turn into monsters one night a month. I know that isn't true.

Even when I'm human, I still feel the Beast inside me. I have its instincts, its senses. I have the pack mentality, the undying loyalty that made wolves perfect animals to be domesticated. I have a theory that werewolves in human form are the same as dogs - halfway between worlds. The Wolfsbane potion has since dulled my senses, made me more human, but it will never fully take them away. It’s the one advantage I can find for being a werewolf.

Because of all this, I was aquitted of all charges. By the jury, that is. I didn't forgive myself. I couldn't. And when you were finally caught, I hated myself. Because in spite of what you had done to James and Lily, despite what you did to Peter... I couldn't stop loving you. And I never would. I could hate your actions, but I would always love the man.