Loser

Breathe in right away,
Nothing seems to fill this place
I need this every time,
Take your lies get off my case
Someday I will find a love
That flows through me like this

He was always getting pushed around like some pushover. I could tell the boy was depressed, but I didn’t do anything but make it worse. I should have seen it, I should have noticed. But I didn’t. I didn’t notice and now it’s too late. I couldn’t save him.

Even his friends put him down. Hell, the kicked him when he was down just to add to what he was going through. Life must have been hell for him. I wish I had done something. I liked him, but I still made fun of him so nobody would know that the Slytherin Prince had a crush on Gryffindor’s Golden Boy. Why did I do that?

This will fall away,
this will fall away
You’re getting closer to pushing me
Off of life’s little edge
Cause I’m a loser
And sooner or later
You know I’ll be dead

It all started to really show when his godfather died. He would just mope around and stare into space for hours. I thought that was just a phase he was going through because of his godfather’s death. I guess I was wrong.

People started getting suspicious after I starting asking what was wrong with Potter. They’d look at me funny and turn away, never answering. They didn’t notice because they didn’t care. They just wanted him to kill the Dark Lord. I wanted that too, but I wouldn’t through him away when the deed was done.

Over the months he seemed to be getting worse. I saw him cutting himself in the bathroom one day. It looked as though he would bleed to death. I pulled him into my arms and healed the wounds best I could. Of course, he was confused and asked me why I helped him. I told him that it was because everybody needs a friend that truly cares, don’t they?

He shook his head vigorously as though trying to get the idea out of his head. He yelled at me that I only wanted him to live long enough to defeat the Dark Lord. I tried to tell him otherwise and that I loved him, but he wouldn’t listen long enough. Once he calmed down a bit I asked him why he does that to himself. He said because he was just a loser and nobody cared. Then he ran out.

You’re getting closer,
You’re holding the rope,
I'm taking the fall
Cause I’m a loser, I’m a loser, yeah
This is getting old,
I can’t break these chains that I hold
My body’s growing cold,

I hated watching him close off from the world. At this point I doubted he could destroy the Dark Lord. He just seemed so fragile and weak. I was worried about him but there was nothing I could do. He wouldn’t trust me. If only I hadn’t been such an asshole to him then maybe we’d have a chance at friendship, if not more than that.

But I ruined it. He ended up completely friendless when they learned he was gay in the middle of sixth year. They all yelled out that he was a disgusting creature. Nobody deserves that. And what was worse was that there were more gays out there then just Harry, and everybody knew it and didn’t care. They just expected Harry Potter to be perfect. Nobody’s perfect.

I found him in the bathroom crying after he ran out. I tried to comfort him but he just shrugged off my efforts. I never stopped trying though because that would mean I didn’t really care. Harry told me that he had nothing left to lose. Nothing left except his life. I knew then what he would do, I just didn’t know when he would do it.

There’s nothin left of this mind
Or my soul
Addiction needs a pacifier,
The buzz of this poison is taking me higher

The later in sixth year I had to kill Dumbledore. I couldn’t do it, but I didn’t want me or my mother to die. I became depressed but not to the point I was suicidal. Slytherins always do anything to keep their lives.

But I couldn’t kill Dumbledore, I couldn’t do that to Harry. But Snape did it. I was so angry at him for it. I had to leave, but I didn’t want to leave Harry behind. I had no choice though. Snape took me away and we went to the Dark Lord. He was told of how the task was completed and we were both tortured because I didn’t complete my task. I wished for it to end so I could go back and help Harry.

Some months later I returned. I wanted to join the light side. I couldn’t take the dark side. Torture and killing, those weren’t things I could do. Though looking back, that’s just what I did to Harry.

I was aloud to go back to Hogwarts. I told the Dark Lord that I needed to finish my schooling and was going to spy for him. I did just that. I never gave him any useful information though. When I found out Harry was training and becoming stronger, I felt happy for him. The stronger he was the more chance he would survive his fight with the Dark Lord.

This will fall away,
This will fall away

Then the final battle came in seventh year. That was the worst year of my life.

It was Halloween night when the Dark Lord attacked. I had to go to, dressed in death eater robes. Harry fought bravely as did everybody else. Many died that night. My father, Snape, Granger, the Weasel, the Weaslette, McGonagall, the eldest Creevey, Hagrid, George Weasley, Weasley senior, Flitwick, my mother. That Lovegood girl and Longbottom were also dead, as well as Crabbe and Goyle.

I lost everything that night. At least Voldemort was defeated. But Harry was too, he was just alive at the end. But he still died that night.

You’re getting closer, to pushing me
Off of life’s little edge
Cause I’m a loser and sooner or later
You know I’ll be dead
You’re getting closer,
You’re holding the rope and
I’m taking the fall
Cause I’m a loser

I chased him as he ran up the steps to the astronomy tower. I didn’t want him to die to. He was just ahead of to. Once I got up there he was walking towards the edge, crying. Crying, but without tears. I think he had cried so much in the years previously that the tears wouldn’t come. I think that helped him do it.

I screamed at him to stop. Naturally, being the stubborn Gryffindor he said he had nothing left to lose. He said that everybody would just toss him aside now that he won. I tried to reason with him but he wouldn’t listen. Nothing worked. I told him people do care, he just has to look for the ones that care instead of the ones that don’t.

He didn’t listen. He just peered over the edge and sobbed. The tears never did come.

You’re getting closer, to pushing me
Off of life’s little edge
Cause I’m a loser and sooner or later
You know I’ll be dead

He squared his shoulders in a true Gryffindor fashion that I applaud him for. He pushed himself over the edge. But before he fell I was sure I heard a whispered declaration of love. I wish I hadn’t been such a loser. I wish I had a chance to tell him sooner.

I did, but why the hell didn’t I use those chances. If I did, maybe things would have turned out differently. Then again, maybe it would have been the same.

You’re getting closer,
You’re holding the rope
And I’m taking the fall
Cause I’m a loser