I Want To Love You

“I Want To Love You”

Disclaimer: Eh, as much as I hated the ending to the 7th book, I am pleased to announce it all belongs to JK, but please god, if she writes another book… let her kill off any Ginny-esque characters!
Summary: [DM/HP] Though Harry has the family he’s always dreamed of, there’s still a void within him. A void that’s filled by Draco’s cock up his arse. But he’s still a decent father to his sons: Lily isn’t so lucky.
Warnings: Song-fic. Slash. Pre-DH. Minor H/G: mostly D/H. Angst. Mentions of Het.
Rating: R SLASH!!
A/N: The song is by Staind and it’s called “Zoë Jane”. It’s mostly about Harry feeling like he’s failed Lily because his affair started when she was born, and because no matter how hard he tries, he loves Draco more than her. It didn’t mention James II’s age in DH so I made it up.

XXX

Words: 3,510
Chapter 1
I Want To Love You
Well I want you to notice
To notice when I'm not around
I know your eyes see straight through me
And speak to me without a sound

When the second war ended I had always planned to get married, have a couple kids, settle down and forget all about the shitty first half of my life. And when the war did end, I did get married and I did have a couple kids, three in fact. But I never really settled down, and I could never forget the first half of my life.

I was orphaned as a baby and raised by neglectful relatives. It doesn’t really prepare me for fatherhood. I admit I was scared. I married Ginny, my best friend’s sister and the girl I professed to love. I was only 19, and she was 18. We were waiting for her to graduate from Hogwarts. Usually you would graduate when you were seventeen but because the war interrupted the final year, everyone had to re-take that year, so there were twice as many first year students.

It was a good year to get married, about to enter a new century, only a couple months away from the millennium. A fresh millennium, a fresh start. A better life. I wish it had turned out like that.

But I couldn’t let go.

When I closed my eyes, I didn’t see my wife’s face, instead I saw white skull shaped masks and flashes of green light. I saw expressionless waxen faces, their eyes staring unseeing at me, their mouths open in a scream. When I woke, I expected it to go away, but instead I saw Ginny leaning over me, eyes wide mouth open, face pale with tears streaming down her cheeks. The first time, I forgot where we were. I shoved her out of the way and jumped from the bed, wand out prepared to do battle. But soon I began to realize she was worried about me, about my nightmares, not our lives.

When James was born I was 22-years-old. I chose the name. It may seem a little strange naming all of my kids after casualties of war but it was my way of forgiving myself. If I hadn’t been born, there would have been no prophecy to get my parents killed, no need for a spy to die for the war, no sacrifices made on part of the Headmaster. If I named my children after them, children I loved, I could let go of my ghosts. I could show the ones who had died for me that I loved them as much as I loved my kids.

I think my mum got a raw deal. Poor Lily.

And I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way a father should love his daughter

James was born on the 18th of August 2002. I was there for the birth. I held Ginny’s hand and told her how well she was doing while she threatened my manhood and broke my hand. But I was there. I stayed with her, and comforted her and brushed the hair out of her face while she panted and screamed.

I remember making James. How good it felt inside of Ginny, how tight and hot she was. And I remember how desperately I tried to believe the lust I felt was love. But it wasn’t.

But I did, and do, love James. I just didn’t love his mother. I believed that I would grow to love her, that maybe it was the war’s fault I was so emotionlessly detached and I just needed time. So I waited. I stayed with her, and had sex with her, and told her how good it felt and how much she pleased me. And when we made Albus Severus, I cried.

When he was born on the 7th of March 2005 it snowed. Ginny screamed bloody murder in a St. Mungos hospital bed, and I stood beside her, holding her hand and wincing as she squeezed to tightly. I thanked Merlin that we didn’t have to drive to the hospital in the snow and I patted her forehead and thought about how beautiful her red hair would look against the white ground outside.

Maybe we should have had an outdoor birth? One of those weird natural ones?

Albus, I admit, was my favourite. He was a good sleeper, ate what he was told too, and looked exactly like me. James, even as a child, reminded me too much of Dudley – he was so spoilt, always wanting his own way, and his very own Aunt Petunia gave it to him. Ginny just tried so hard to be loved by the children, but like me, they just couldn’t manage it. They wouldn’t settle for her at night, they wouldn’t eat for her, if they cried or got hurt they shrieked for their daddy. Ginny was just in the way most of the time, and it broke her heart. But honestly, I couldn’t find it in me to care.

She must have been so pleased when Lily was born. Lily, who adored her mother, Lily who I usually forgot about, who I ignored so much that she forgot who I was at one point. Lily… Ginny’s little girl.

But James and Albus were Harry Potter’s kids. No one ever mentioned Lily.

When I walked out this morning
I cried as I walked to the door
I cried about how long I'd be away for
I cried about leaving you all alone

In the fall of 2006, I ran into someone I hadn’t seen since the end of the war. Draco Malfoy and I literally ran into one another. He had Scorpius with him – the boy is the same age as Albus, only a month older – and I had Al with me. We were polite and the boys were friendly.

I saw him the next day without the children there, and I asked after his wife.

“Fine, I suppose,” was his indifferent answer. There was obviously no love lost between them. “What about the Weaselette?” He gave a poor imitation of a sneer.

Instead of rising to the bait, I smiled back at him, “fine, I suppose,” I repeated his words and raised an eyebrow. One of his fine blond eyebrows rose as well. We both gave a little snicker, although mine lasted longer than his.

“How have you been, Potter?” He sounded wistful, sad.

“Shouldn’t complain.” I had really wanted to though. I wanted to tell him everything, every horrid thought and feeling that was swirling around within me. But I didn’t. “I’ll survive.”

“But you don’t want to, do you?” He stepped closer to me. My eyebrows furrowed as he took a cautious glance around. When he was sure there was no one in the area, he leaned further towards me. Our foreheads were almost touching. “You wished you had died, don’t you? You’re damaged goods, Potter, just like me. You don’t know how to be normal, just like I don’t. We are all we’ve ever known, and we have never been normal. Unlike the lovely Ginny. She isn’t good enough for you. She can’t complete you or understand you, and she isn’t your reason for living.”

“And what is? What can be?” I had screamed. I never actually intended to get an answer, and I don’t think he meant to give me one either.

But he did. “I can be, if you’ll let me.” He looked at me, eyes narrowed as if he thought I would laugh. Instead my mouth dropped open and I tilted my head to the side. Before I could utter a word, his lips were on mine. My silence had been taken as an affirmative.

I didn’t push him away, I didn’t even think about it. Instead I pulled him closer. I revelled in the feelings he evoked in me. His lips on mine sent shivers up and down my spine. His tongue plunging into my mouth made my toes curl. His hand on my arse made my cock throb with need. And when he pulled away, pressed his face to my neck and breathed, “I love you” my heart tried to escape from my chest. It beat so hard, I was sure Draco could hear it.

“What?” I had gasped, but I still didn’t pull away.

”I love you,” he whispered moving back from me, giving me space. I wanted to be close to him again so I stepped forward and he smiled at me before moving back again. “I have loved you for years, but you always looked so happy with her. Until a few years ago. And I know you must feel something for me. All of those years fighting, of hating each other and you know what they say? Love and hate are different sides of the same coin.”

“I, Draco, I,” I mumbled. I felt with him, but I wasn’t sure I felt for him. But I closed my eyes and thought, tried to remember. When I had nightmares and I woke to Ginny’s looming face, which frightened me as well, I wished I were somewhere else. And when I closed my eyes I dreamt of silkily blond hair and smoky eyes. Hair and eyes like Draco. But I had never consciously admitted desire until then, so how was I to know I had feelings for him for all of those wasted years?

But without Ginny, without wasting those years with her, I wouldn’t have my boys. So it wasn’t really a waste then was it?

“I think I love you too,” I muttered, my cheeks stained red. “But I’m not sure if I know what love is.”

“Let me teach you. Like you taught me.” Draco had whispered before stealing my lips in a second kiss.

And I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way a father should love his daughter

For my sons, I had always been there. I had held them when the cried, I had watched them be born, I had kissed their aches and pains away and told them I loved them. But on the 5th June 2007, I wasn’t at the hospital holding Ginny’s hand while she gave birth to our daughter. Instead I was celebrating Draco’s 28th birthday locked in his bedroom, making love.

When I finally answered my phone (which Hermione insisted I have) Lily was already a day old. And I had missed it.

But I found that I wasn’t regretful, like I thought I would have been. Instead I was glad that I had gotten the chance to be with Draco for that night, to celebrate with him for that night, before I was swept away by the sea of dirty nappies and midnight feeding. With the boys I had enjoyed it, looked forward to it even.

But with Lily, I desperately hoped that she took to Ginny instead of me. And she did, and I wasn’t envious like Ginny had been of my relationship with our two eldest. I was pleased, because the boys were 5-years and 2-years respectively, and old enough to leave with babysitters or relatives that didn’t make them cry. That meant that I could go out more, spend more time with Draco.

Which I did. I spent a lot of time with Scorpius too. And I brought Albus with me sometimes. The boys got on great together and I was sure they’d both end up in Slytherin. James wouldn’t have been too happy spending time with ‘snakes’ so I usually left him with Teddy. Or sometimes, when it was just the two boys, and I we’d accidentally bump into Draco and Scorpius, and the three boys were left to play together under the watch of a house-elf while Draco stole me away for a few minutes.

His wife never seemed to care. She walked in on us once and merely raised an eyebrow before leaving the room. “I wish Ginny’ll react like that,” I said with a small laugh.

“No, she’ll probably throw a fit. But does it matter?” Draco asked, leaning over me, eyes wide and a smirk on his lips. He was pale faced, but it didn’t remind me of Ginny, with her wide eyes and open mouth, her waxen pallor that reminded me of a corpse when she was worried.

“No. Nothing matters but you, inside of me.” I arched my back to prove my point, and with a smirk, he thrust into me, and I cried out for him. Cried for more.

Every year on the 5th, Lily would have a birthday party, and I would never be there. Instead, I’d be at Malfoy Manor, lying beneath Draco crying in pleasure, or playing in the drawing room with Scorpius and Albus and watching Draco teach James how to hex things. And Lily and Ginny would be at Godric’s Hollow, with the Weasley family, and when no one was looking, Ginny would leave the room and cry and cry until she was cried out. And Lily never knew any differently.

Sweet Lily Potter
Sweet Lily Potter

The only year I made her birthday was because Draco was ill, and didn’t want me to catch it. Lily was 7 that year. And she smiled when she saw me and then frowned. “Who are you?” She asked quietly, her brown eyes wide, like Ginny’s.

“I’m your daddy,” I said just as softly, shooting a glare at Ginny as if this was her fault. James and Albus shoved her, laughing and telling her not to mess around.

“No you’re not.” Lily folded her arms in front of her chest, like Molly Weasley used to. “My daddy is never home on the 5th of June. So you can’t be my daddy. You just look like him.” She said firmly.

I only smiled and nodded, and helped myself to some cake. I didn’t mind either way, because the following year she’d be right, and I wouldn’t be home on the 5th.

So I wanted to say this
'cause I wouldn't know where to begin
To explain to you what I have been through
To explain where your daddy has been

When Draco made love to me, I felt as if my world was on fire and the only way to extinguish the flames was to have Draco’s seed within me, to have Draco’s pleasure on my conscious. And when I came in his hand, or his mouth, I felt as if I had died and gone to heaven. It was so different to being with Ginny. She still insisted we have sex, insisted on lying beneath me with her legs spread and her mouth open and her eyes wide. She still insisted on me thrusting into her and telling her how good she felt, and how tight she was even after three kids, even though she knew I didn’t mean it.

And I could tell by the way she kept pushing her fingers into my arse that she knew I was having an affair with a man, and she was contemplating suggesting she use a strap-on. She was so desperate not to lose me; even though she now knew I didn’t love her.

I had never loved her, and as much as it pains me to say it, I couldn’t love Lily either, because she was too much like Ginny. With her red hair, brown wide eyes and her waxy pale face, she was the spitting image of the wife I wished I had never married. Or at least, wished I had the courage to leave.

Being inside of Ginny was no longer hot, and wet, but instead it felt as if I were drowning in a clammy ocean where the air was just too hot and the sea not cold enough, and the waves lapped around you and pulled you under and you couldn’t breathe. The guilt of fucking my wife choked me like those waves and I always finished by pulling out of her and coming across her stomach and thighs.

After the first six times I did that, Ginny started using contraceptive potions, but I still couldn’t make myself leave a part of me, my seed, within her. Me, all of me, belonged to Draco now.

And I want to hold you
Protect you from all of the things I've already endured
And I want to show you
To show you all the things that this life has in store for you
I'll always love you
The way a father should love his daughter

In 2013, James started Hogwarts. He had a great time in Gryffindor, and the other two couldn’t wait to begin as well. Albus and Scorpius started together in 2016. When we saw Draco and his son across the platform we had to pretend not to like each other, not to know each other. It was difficult to pretend that Draco was no more than a past enemy to me, when in fact he was me. He knew me; he knew my body better than I did myself. He knew how I felt and thought about things, and he knew what o do what to touch to make me careen into bliss.

James and Albus shared a secret smile that I knew Ginny caught and it set her on edge. But I didn’t mind. I spoke to Hermione and Ron, and to their two children; one of which would be in Albus’ year.

When I looked up, Draco was gone and Scorpius had already boarded the train and soon enough Albus set off to find him. Which left me alone with Ginny and Lily.

“Harry, tell me what you want me to do to make you happy?” She asked quietly, wringing her hands in front of her stomach. I was suddenly afraid she was going to tell me she was pregnant.

“What do you mean?” I feigned ignorance, and she let it drop until we were home. Lily didn’t say a word. She only really spoke to me to complain that she wanted to do something that the boys could do, such as go to Hogwarts, own their own brooms, etc. I usually didn’t listen anyway.

I let Ginny take care of Lily; Ginny’s good at that.

That night, I woke up to find my self on my stomach with Ginny straddling my thighs. “What are you doing?” Something hard and long pressed against my arse, and I noticed that her fingers were deep inside of me.

“I want to be the one to make you happy, Harry. Even if you only love me as a man.” And then she was within me, and it was wrong and ugly and nothing like what I had with Draco. But I didn’t stop her, I let her continue thrusting the fake penis into me, and I lay there and pretended it was a penance I had to pay for my sins. And I took my punishment and when I came into her hand I pretended with was Draco milky white fingers catching my seed, and I ignored the swell of her breasts pressed to my back as I panted and she collapsed on top of me.

Sweet Lily Potter
Sweet Lily Potter

When she was sleeping, I removed the strap-on and left it on my pillow beside her. It was like saying goodbye.

I fetched my owl, the one who replaced Hedwig, and I wrote two letters. One letter to James and the other to Albus Severus. Draco didn’t need a letter, he had been waiting for this moment all his life; he didn’t need an explanation or a ETA, he’d be happy to find me on his doorstep, in the pouring rain in the middle of the night.

The owl took off with the letters, and two small-conjured gifts that I thought the boys would like. My way of saying sorry, but they knew they were welcome at Malfoy Manor.

I stood in the doorway of Lily’s bedroom and I watched her sleep. She looked just like her mother that it made my chest ache. I had sent my boys presents, and a letter telling them they were welcome to visit the Manor for Christmas and they could chose who they wanted to live with. But with Lily, there was no choice. Draco wouldn’t accept Ginny’s daughter at his home, and Lily would never accept to live without her mother. I had sent the boys gifts, something I knew they would like, or love.

But I didn’t know what kind of gift to leave Lily… so I just left.

The End

Where it says “Sweet Lily Potter” it originally was “sweet Zoë Jane”.

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This is the first thing I have written in two and a half months, so many apologies if I have lost my touch. But College and work combined with my ‘laid-back’ (lazy) nature equals a lot of stress, tiredness and no effort or time to write. But I will try to get the other one-shot I have planned (“Proud”) up soon, and then update “Indelible” as well.

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Let me know what you think, or I might slump back into ‘not-writing-land’.