Pure Pain

One day Harry Potter, also known as the Boy Who Lived because Voldemort, a dark and evil man who everyone is automatically meant to hate without rhyme or reason because he tried to kill Harry and did kill his parents and has practically no back story what-so-ever, was sitting in the living room of the Dursley household. The Dursleys were people Harry did not like because they did not like him. They enjoyed hating him and not feeding him a lot and they had a son named Dudley who was a Dursley so his name was Dudley Dursley. Dudley was really fat, which means that fat people are evil and no one should like them. Harry, the Boy Who Lived, sat in the living room watching the telly and angsting about something, probably the death of his godfather, Sirius Black, because he didn't angst that much in the fifth book and it's Harry's point in life to angst.

The television was very boring that day, mainly because the remote was stuck under the couch cushion of a sleeping Dursley and when there's something under the cushion of a sleeping, easy-to-anger fat person, you just leave it there. Harry was forced to watch the black television screen show his reflection.

He heard a strange sound from outside, much like the sound a hyper-active child would make after eating a bag full of pure sugar. I don't mean that pixie stick stuff, I mean pure sugar. Harry, being the inquisitive idiot that he is, left his butt imprint in the carpeted floor and went outside, curious as to where the sound was coming from.

The was a high, squeaky voice yelling "ZOOM!" and as soon as Harry stepped outside, something hit him squarely in the forehead, right in his zigzagged scar. The object screeched and pushed further into the boy's weak head before becoming permanently lodged. Rushing back into the house, Harry ran to the mirror.

"THERE'S A PENIS IN MY SCAR!" Harry screamed.

----

Remus sighed and stirred his coffee dismally with a plastic spoon, the bright moonlight from outside hitting him directly. Only it wasn’t a full moon so he didn’t have to worry. He thought back on all the good times his friends and he once shared as schoolboys. Now, they were all dead except for Peter, and they were dead because of Peter, meaning Peter was a real git right at this moment. Dropping the spoon into the cooling liquid, Remus sighed again. He would miss Sirius the most. They had been so close. So very, very, very, very close. Close as in naked close. Close as in lube or a good spell-required close. Do you get it yet, kids? They had sex!

"What are you doing, Remus?" Tonks asked, hopping into the chair situated across the table from Remus and almost falling backwards in it.

"Nothing, Tonks," Remus replied bitterly, though he found himself unable to tear his eyes away from Tonks. Perhaps it was because of her blindly pink hair, but perhaps-just perhaps-it was for another reason. "I... I think I love you," Remus whispered softly.

Tonks hair turned from pink to black in a split-second, she jumped up from her chair, sending it backwards into a wall, and breaking a valuable vase, which had no reason being there at all besides to be broken by Tonks. Tonks, in fact, had placed the vase there earlier so she could break it because she's an attention-seeking freak of nature.

"I'm sorry Remus, but, well, you see, I'm already with someone. In fact, it's Hagrid. During the summer I went to see him, thought he might have something to help you and your shape changing disease thing, and we just really hit it off. I'm marrying him in two weeks and I'm already pregnant with his baby."

Remus' eyes began to overflow with tears and he ran from the kitchen into the lavatory where he sat on the toilet, whimpering and moaning with pain that seemed to flow like an endless abyss from his heart. First Sirius and now Tonks. James was dead and his body useless and Lily was just ugly. Was there no one meant for him? Why must he be forced to spend life alone and unfulfilled?

"Curse you, Merlin!" Remus screamed, turning on the bathwater and plugging in Tonks' hairdryer.

The water filled the bath quickly, as the pain did in Remus' bruised and battered heart. His clothes were stripped from his body and laid in a folded corner of the room (just because one is going to die, doesn't mean one must be messy). Remus entered the cold bathwater and dropped the hairdryer into the water soon thereafter. The shocks coursed through his body and Remus slipped underwater, never to return because he was dead. His lifeless foot pushed aside the plug and slowly the water drained out and a scruffy rat squeezed its wet body through the drain. The rat transformed into Peter Pettigrew, an ugly, squatty man who hadn't had a good lay in ever because he was fat, ugly, balding, and always sniveling and being generally annoying. Rumour was that not even Voldemort wanted him and preferred a snake, but let’s not gets into that.

He shredded his clothes as a snake shreds its old skin and did bad things to Remus' dead body. Very bad things. We're talking things that squick out bestiality-lovers; Voldemort included. Then Voldemort appeared, very ugly and very angry. Mostly angry, but there was a good portion of ugly happening too.

"BAD!" Voldemort yelled, his voice higher than the penis' had been, and in a quick flash, Peter was dead, all thanks to the Avada Kedavra spell. Just because a spell is considered bad, doesn't mean it can't be used for good.

----

"BEGONE, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE MAGGOTS!" Snape yelled, running down the halls of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a horde of screaming, pubescent females close at his heels. Every year this happened. He'd take a shower, wash his hair, step out and before a dragon finishes cracking through its shell, anything with a vagina was screaming for him. There was apparently something irresistible about a dark and dreary virgin teacher with good hair. He could understand the women his age, but why his students? And why--for the love of Merlin--did Winky the kitchen elf chase after him too?! With a scream as shrill as any girl's, Snape slammed the dungeon door shut and closed up any possible opening to the room.

"Open the bloody door, Severus! We know you and your perfect hair are in there!" McGonagall screamed, pounding on the door.

"Yes!" squeaked Winky in-between drunken hiccups.

The hallway fell silent as Tonks let out a terrible scream and dropped to the floor, her pregnant belly seeming to be about to burst.

"I'll help you, Miss Tonks!" squeaked Winky, rushing over to the woman before exploding as she was impacted with Hagrid and Tonks' seventy-six pound babe.

"Are they gone?" Snape whispered, leaning close to the door despite having the power to cast a spell to just know.

"Hem hem. You don't want to leave," spoke a voice from the back of the room.

Snape turned slowly around and once he did, he wish he hadn't. Standing on a table was Umbridge, her body covered by an intricate area of pink straps, glittering and glowing like a star in the sky. Her fat stretched the leather and all along her breasts and legs were horrid, red stretch marks. Music began to play from a mysterious source and Umbridge waggled her fat self in tune to it. As she grabbed the top strap covering her left shoulder she coughed a loud "hem hem" to keep Snape's attention. The male teacher opened the door and flung himself to the crowd of screeching females without a second thought.

----

And Dobby was told he was a Half-Blood prince and not a true elf so he finally took his already-given freedom and began to work at a Muggle law firm, going by the name of "Mr. BooglesWoogles".

END