Heal

I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone

It had been nearly five years to the day. Halloween night. Fourth year. Merlin, it felt like a lifetime ago. They’d won…in the long run. Voldemort was dead, all the Horcurxes destroyed. The enemy wasn’t coming back this time. But I’d lost so many friends in the war. Dean Thomas, Colin Creevey, Percy Weasley, Cho Chang. They’d nearly lost Hermione, but Ron had saved her. And Cedric. Cedric had been the first, and closest, friend I lost. Had it really been almost five years? It still hurt like yesterday.

These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase

I still have nightmares about that graveyard. The horrible hissing voice of Voldemort, “Kill the spare.” Watching the Avada Kedavra hit Cedric in the chest. The look in the older boys eyes as he died. Feeling that my heart was being torn from my chest as I watched the man I love die….because of me.

When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still had all of me

We’d kept it a secret for obvious reasons. We were rivals for the Triwizard Cup, why would we be lovers? Cedric was 17, I was 14. We didn’t want all the questions. Dumbledore knew, because of the second task. He’d called us into his office to discuss the situation. Obviously both of us had to perform the second task; we couldn’t be the thing the other cherished most even though we were. Dumbledore told us we had to choose someone else to go to the bottom of the Black Lake. Perhaps it gave us an advantage; we did know what we were up against. I chose Ron, my best friend, and Cedric had Cho Chang sent to the bottom. Cho…she was a thorn in my side all through Fourth Year. She was Cedric’s cover; she was the devoted girlfriend that he was using so no one suspected about me. It hurt sometimes, and in a way I felt sorry for Cho because she had no idea. But most of the time I wanted to scratch her eyes out.

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it takes away all the sanity in me

That night still haunts me all these years later. Everything was a blur around me after I grabbed the Portkey Triwizard Cup and landed back on Hogwarts grounds. I vaguely remember screaming at everyone that Voldemort was back and sobbing hysterically. I wouldn’t let go of Cedric’s body. I was trying to fight off everyone who attempted to pull me away. I remember hearing Mr. Diggory crying after Mad Eye pulled me away. I remember seeing Cho’s tears. There were so many people who though I was insane. Screaming that Voldemort had returned that he was gaining strength. So many people didn’t believe until the Death Eaters started killing again. The nightmares were horrible in the weeks just after the Tournament, and the students at Hogwarts didn’t really help.

Theses wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

Twice, someone accused me of murdering Cedric. And twice, I almost cast an Unforgivable Curse. Both times I was stopped. The first person to accuse me was one of Cedric’s Hufflepuff buddies. He caught me in the corridor after dinner one night and accused me of killing Cedric. Told me that the Hufflepuffs were watching me. I don’t know what possessed me to raise my wand, I guess I was just tired of taking crap from people, but I did. He backed up a few paces. Before I got out my “Crucio,” someone disarmed me. “Potter.” The voice was soft. “Don’t.” I turned to face Snape, slightly openmouthed. “Mr. Diggory wouldn’t want you in Azkaban.” The Hufflepuff ran off as soon as I turned my back. Snape gave me a curt nod and continued on down the hallway. There had been no anger in his black eyes, only sadness.

The second time the person tormenting me was Draco Malfoy. The little ferret cornered me in the dungeons and wouldn’t quit no matter how many times I insulted him or threatened him. “You killed him you know, Potter. You killed your little faggot boyfriend. If you’d never been born, he’d still be alive.” Something inside me snapped. I backed Draco into a corner. I began cursing at him not in English, but in Parseltongue. “It’s my fortune, then, that your Dark Lord couldn’t sum up the power to kill a baby.” I could think of nothing but getting rid of this horrible person who had egged me on for four years. I again, for the second time in one week, raised his wand. “Avada…” I was shaking. I wanted Draco dead, and it was terrifying me. Before I could finish the curse a pair of strong arms wrapped around me. “No Potter. You’re not a killer.” The same voice as before whispered into my ear. I barely heard as he yelled at Malfoy, taking points from his own House and sending him away. I began sobbing then, shaking and gasping for air. Snape lowered to the floor with me as my legs gave out. He rocked me back and forth slowly, murmuring comforting things into my ear.


I tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone
But though you’re still with me
I’ve been alone all along.
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me.

So here we were five years later. Two years after graduating from Hogwarts. I’d been hired as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. I still missed Cedric, but I’ve had someone to help me through that. I glance across the Great Hall, crowded with current and former students, all in costume for the annual Masked Ball. My eyes landed on a man dressed as Zorro. How was it that it was so easy to pick out those who were Muggle born at an event like this? He looked good in the black mask and cape. I had learned over the years that the hook in Snape’s nose was from where his own father had broken it, and that his hair wasn’t greasy but soft and silky. He’d taught me to laugh again when I never thought I would. I’d found I could even joke about Cedric now, even though it still hurt.

“Killed any Hufflepuffs today Potter?” Zorro asked when I approached.

“I, Severus Snape, am Godric Gryffindor.” I laughed, waving the sword I wore at my hip. “And no, but I have maimed a Slytherin or two.” I slipped my hand into his and watched as the students danced.