Too Old. Too Gay. Too Arthritic.

Warning: Unbeta'ed due to the fact that all three of my betas love Snape and Remus (and sometimes them together) and they would hate this fic.

Also, it is humor-no intention to be serious whatsoever, so please leave the flametorches at home; they are not the American Express card.

Too Old. Too Gay. Too Arthritic.

"Enter," was barked past the door Remus weakly knocked on. He let himself in and practically limped to the couch that currently held one grimacing Severus Snape.

"Pain Relieving Potion," Remus asked in a whisper. He summoned a vial of the potion from the cabinet he was directed to as he trudged over to the couch and plopped down heavily. "Better make it a double," he remarked dryly as glanced at Severus and proceeded to summon another vial. Severus grunted his thanks and clinked his vial to Lupin's before they both downed them.

Lupin sighed with relief and laid his head against the back of the couch. "Harry?"

A snort came from the raven haired man before he answered. "On the Head Table."

A moment of companionable silence came over them, before, "Draco?"

"On the toilet in the Prefects Bathroom," Remus replied, squirming uneasily in his seat.

Severus gave a hiss of sympathy as he summoned a bottle of brandy and two snifters. He filled both snifters to the brim and handed one to Remus. He silenced Remus with a look when the werewolf began asking about mixing the alcohol with the potion.

"I feared you were Harry looking for another go," Severus confessed as he took several long sips of his drink.

"He was on his way here as I came down. I told him that I saw you go to the Owlery," Remus offered with a small tug at his lips. He tried to cross his right leg over his left knee, but it only made it about half way on it's own. Groaning, he reached down and picked his leg up to get it to it's destination. His knee creaked loudly as it finally settled into place and Remus sat back with a sigh.

"Does it always do that," Severus asked referring to the creaking joint, hoping his limbs weren't the only ones to do that.

"Yes." Remus looked down sadly in his lap. "And sometimes this does as well when it gets hard," he admitted quietly, nodding pointedly to his lap. "That is if it gets hard."

"Cheers to that," Severus agreed wryly as he once more tapped his glass against Lupin's. "One time, Harry was shagging me in the Potions lab-"

"On that cold, stone floor?" Remus interrupted in horror.

Severus nodded shortly to confirm. "I had to lie there for an hour afterward before I could get up. I almost thought I was going to have to make Harry get Poppy for me. Talk about mortifying."

Remus shook his head. "And yet they still torture us with these wild destinations. Whatever happened to the simplicity of a nice soft bed?"

"I don't know, but I for one am not going to take it lying down anymore...or in any other position. I am going to have a chat with that lover of mine," Severus declared with finality. He got halfway up out of his seat before his bones protested loudly. "In the morning," he added hastily as he gingerly sat back down.

Both heads whipped around to the dungeon door with unbelievable speed as a loud pounding was heard.

"HELLO?"

"SEV?"

"REMY, YOU IN THERE?"

Dual groans were heard all the way to the Astronomy Tower.

~Fin~