I Hope You Die

Okay, I love this song. And I usually HATE song-fics, because I end up skipping the lyrics, and just reading the fic parts. But seriously. This HAD to be written, after I heard the song.

*

The First Annual Seventh Year Hogwarts Talent Show had brought a lot of comers, and Harry Potter wasn't the least of them. Very few of the seventh years had missed this opportunity to get up on a stage in front of the entire school and display whatever they thought they were best at, and the acts were entirely up to them. The teachers had tried to keep some control over the talents being displayed, but had finally limited it to some rules, involving no vulgarity or profanity. Harry, Hermione, and Ron had entered together, and almost everyone knew it, but no one could guess what they'd do.

Malfoy joked them with his friends. "Maybe they'll bring in a mountain troll and knock it out for their talent," he said, recalling their stunts in first year. "It's probably the only thing they can do." His mother had forbidden him from entering, not that he'd wanted to any way, and he took the opportunity to examine everyone who was entering. Pansy had even joined, with Blaise, singing and dancing some muggle song, "Genie in a Bottle." Considering the fact that Blaise had two left feet when it came to dancing, and Pansy couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, Draco was hoping they'd see the light and not continue with their fools errand. The Talent Show was all that was talked about for the months leading up to it, though hearing someone practicing their talent at all hours of the night wasn't unusual. Malfoy kept an especially sharp eye out on the trio, hoping to catch them at whatever they were doing, but aside from noticing that they spent hardly any time in public places anymore, he didn't learn a thing.

Not even bribing their house-mates helped. He'd given Longbottom ten galleons to find out what they were doing, under polyjuice as a Ravenclaw, and had still come up with nothing more than, "Spending time in the Room of Requirement."

Thwarted at every turn, he simply sat back to wait and see what they'd do, much as the waiting galled him.

The night of the Talent Show dawned with a bright, early day, sunny and warm, and not at all convincing of the terrors about to take place later that night in the Great Hall.

The teachers tables had been dismantled and removed, replaced with a stage of sorts, and the House tables had been replaced by bleachers, starting at stage level and moving up so that everyone could see.

Draco took his seat as close to the stage in the Slytherin section as early as he could, and was joined not long afterwards by Crabbe and Goyle, who weren't in the show.

Professor Flitwick came onto the stage once everyone was settled into their seats, and began dimming lights, and lighting up the stage, and 'setting the mood' for performances.

"First, we have Hannah Abbot from Hufflepuff!" He announced, and the Hufflepuffs went crazy with applauding. Hannah came out dressed in a short skirt and a strange shaped top, and masses of strange hoops. Whispers broke out among the students, wondering what she was going to do. Another Hufflepuff girl, similarly dressed, also came out with some hoops. Hannah took three of them, and slid them over her head, then shook her hips. Draco gasped with the rest of them as she kept the hoops moving with her body. The other girl added more, and then she had about ten of them twirling around her waist, none of them falling. Hannah's assistant tossed three more, and she caught them on her arms, twirling them at the same time as the ones around her middle. By the time she was done, she had a dozen hoops around her middle, three on each arm, one around one of her ankles, and one around her neck, and they were all going at the same time, without falling. Malfoy was suitably impressed, and when she let them fall and took a bow, the entire Hall roared with applause.

The talents passed by in a blur. Some people danced with strange shoes on, making noises whenever their feet touched the ground, and some people sang various songs. Seamus Finnegan got up and told a dirty limmerick, much to everyones amusement and McGonagall's consternation. Finally, the ones he'd been waiting for this whole time were announced.

"Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, from Gryffindor!" Flitwick shouted, hurrying off the stage. A bright flash and some smoke, and there were instruments on the stage. Draco could see a set of drums, and two microphones. He only knew what they were because Pansy had drilled him on them when she managed to corner him into helping her.

Weasley walked out first, holding two sticks in his hand. He stepped up, and took a bow to applause, and seated himself behind the drums. Granger followed, also bowing, before standing behind one of the microphones. She had a guitar strapped to her shoulders, and was tuning it quietly. Malfoy's mouth dropped open. Weasley's thuggish appearance in a muscle shirt and torn jeans had been normal enough, but Granger was a complete surprise. She'd straightened her hair, and had on a tight tank top. A mini skirt over leggings, and heavy boots completed the ensemble. Weasley started banging out a rhythm on the drums, quietly at first, seemingly just passing time. It was Potter's appearance that shocked him the most, however. He walked out in baggy black jeans with chains - chains - hanging from them, and a tee shirt that read "My Chemical Romance" on it, and a strange picture of a marching band conductor. He also had a guitar hanging from his shoulder, and the hideous glasses were conspicuously gone. With his hair hanging shaggily in his face, and no glasses, with a tight tee shirt on... He looked hot. There was no doubting it. Draco kicked himself immediately for even considering it, but it was undeniable.

"This is a favourite song of mine - ours," Potter was saying into the microphone, and gestured to his friends, who flashed a grin at him. "We want to dedicate it to Draco Malfoy."

The entire hall burst out in harsh whispers again, as everyone tried to figure out what was going on. Much to Draco's horror, a light shone down from somewhere above him, illuminating him for the entire hall to see. Smiling benignly, he waved as if he'd been expecting it, as if this were all part of the Plan. Secretly, he was plotting three murders.

A rough, tinny voice sounded from somewhere. "You must die! I alone am best!" And then Granger and Weasley started playing, simultaneously, and Draco had to admit that they sounded good. Laughter echoed quietly around the hall at the words. Potter started in on his guitar seconds before he leaned into the mic and started singing.

"I hope ya flip some guy the bird, He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve, In front of the Beatles' tour bus, A Bookmobile and a Mack truck, Hauling hazardous biological waste, The light turns red you have no brakes, And "Hard Copy" gets it all on tape, So you can see the look on your face." The lyrics made no sense, but the muggleborns in the crowd started laughing harder.

The same tinny voice chanting, "Die, Die, Die, Die.." came on, while the trio played. After several repetitions, Potter began singing again.

"I hope your Pinto begins to spin, Takes out a disabled Vietnam Veteran, Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize Winner, And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner, Perhaps even the British Royal Family, And the Rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy, And we can't forget the newlyweds, And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead, I hope this helps to emphasize, I hope this helps to clarify, I hope you die."

Potter looked straight at him as he sang it, and McGonagal nearly had a heart attack in her seat. Half the hall was on their feet dancing around to the song, and the other half were glaring in disbelief that they would get up on stage and sing such a vile song. Draco for one had never been so insulted in his life, and Blaise, who was big on the muggle thing, leaned over and explained that a pinto was a car, and that Potter was singing about him losing control of it, and hitting all those important people. The idea that he'd lose control of his vehicle in the first place was preposterous.

"I hope your cellmate thinks he's God, But C.N.N. refer to him as "Bowling Ball Bag Bob", Serving time again for abuse of a corpse, Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse, While he masturbates to photos of livestock, He does the "Silence of the Lambs" dance to Christian Rock, Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance", And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince,"

By 'clydesdale horse' Draco had gone completely white, unable to believe what he was hearing. Granger was singing along with Potter, and Weasley was in the back, grinning like a maniac and pounding the drums so hard Draco was surprised they didn't explode under the pressure.

Potter wasn't done yet, much to Draco's horror, and a grin spread across the Gryffindor's face as he launched into the next verse.

"I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson, And forces you to play a game called Balls On Chin, And whatever happens next is all a blur, But you remember "fist" can be a verb, And when you finally regain consciousness,
You're bound and gagged in a wedding dress, And the prison guard looks the other way, 'Cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day."

Horrified was no longer adequate to describe how Draco was feeling, and it went so far beyond mortified and enraged that he was content to sit there and listen to the wretched song being sung about him.

"I hope this helps to emphasize, I hope this helps to clarify, I hope you die...I hope you die!"

The entire hall dissolved into fits of laughter, Pansy and Blaise not excluded, and Potter and company bowed again, their instruments vanishing. Draco couldn't get the image of Granger, Weasley, and Potter as a band out of his mind, and the fact that they were dressed so completely out of character wasn't helping him in the least.

Not to mention that despite the content of the song, they sounded good. Draco was never going to live this down, however, and he knew it.