More than a dream...

More than a dream…

Can this be a dream?
My dream that’s how it looks like:

Red.

Sticky.

Warm.

Bloody.


All I can see is blood which drips from my hand. I like this feeling.
The feeling when the blood runs from my veins.
Then I can feel that I’m alive.
Pain makes me feel breathing. But also I like the taste of it.
It’s bittersweet and metallic.
Well, I can’t help it: I have to smirk.
Death: the charming secure.

Abruptly I feel dizzy. My view starts to blur. It’s getting redder then black.

Happiness.

That’s what I can feel at least.
Finally my wish comes true and I can leave this world of egocentricity.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~


It’s intense light that blinds me right now. I make out that I’m not at home anymore.

But what’s this?

Also I can hear some voices murmuring.

I don’t know who they are.

Maybe angels or… did I just went crazy? I want to laugh about this, but I’ve a lump in my throat.
Suddenly I can hear that the door opens.


“See, he’s awake…” this voice sounds soothing.
Just like a doctor would sounds like…

Wait…that means…I’m alive?

Then....I’m at a hospital?

I can feel that someone approaches the bed. It feels familiar to me.

Who is this?

“Sniv…”
This is my best friend, also known as my worst enemy: Sirius… using my pet name. The name he gave me so long ago.


He is here with me…

A faint smile crosses my face.

But as soon as it appeared it vanished.


“Hey, little Snivel, are you okay?”


Slowly I turn my head towards him.

Man, he looks like shit.

I can see that he must have been crying. His eyes are swollen and red.

“I’m alive..?”
Crap, my voice is not more then a whisper.

“That’s bad…”

“WHAT!!! How dare you to say something like this?!” He screams at me. Tears are starting to run down his face again.

“You don’t even know how I felt when I found you lying there just like a corpse! I …I… “
His voice breaks and he grabs me into a really tight hug.

Then some other man comes in my view. He wears a white jacket. I think he’s a doctor. The one I heard before.

“How are you feeling, Severus?” he asks in a gentle tone.

I look carefully at him. Don’t know if I can trust him…

He smiles warmly and waits patiently for me to reply him.

Well, I reject him and look around the room.
It’s a small room with one bed a table beside and at the window. Two old fashioned chairs. In front of the bed the TV table.
It looks comfortable.


“Hey…how are you?” Sirius whispers into my ear.

“Well, I had already times when I felt better…” I respond huskily.
I can feel his half happy and half sad smile.


Then the doctor pipes up again:
“I see that here are no longer things to deal with for me.”
With this we can take notice of that he closes the door.


Now that we are alone I strangely feel more uncomfortable. There is no longer any room to escape the questions…

I’m not sure if I can lie to him…
What a coward I am…
As always I’m running away…
Maybe it’s wrong of me to do so, but I can’t help it. It’s my way of self – protection.

“Sniv…! Look at me…please.” Black pleads. This is kind of shocking, because I don’t know any other person who is as proud as my big foulmouthed doggy.

It can’t be helped. I must answer him…

“What’s the matter?”
Actually I know that I sound like a complete heartless asshole, but it’s true. My heart is a dull box. Nothing more.

He looks hurt. I really don’t want him to look at me like that,
but what should I do?
Anything I would say would only make it worse.

Again he embraces me forcefully as if he wants to make sure that I won’t disappear. He snuggles me, gives me butterfly kisses all over my face…

I think he has no idea what he is doing to me with this…
However I lean into this touch. I feel so safe.

My friend’s chest is feeling so warm and so strong. I love this sensation…

When he speaks his voice is not more than a faint whisper:

“Please let me know why you tried to …” His voice breaks.

“Why I wanted to kill myself?”

There is a pause before he answers a whispered ‘yes’.

Inside of me I really know the answer, but I don’t think it would be that good when Sirius gets to know about the reason. It would make him saying that he finds me ugly and abnormal.

“I simply cannot tell you…please understand…” I’m shaking my head.
“I don’t want you to hate me…” Now it’s up to me to speak in a faint whisper.

Do you know what I mean,Sirius?

Do you know how disgustful it looks inside of your foolish friend?

Do you know these feelings inside of me?

I don’t suppose so…
Nobody knows them…
I keep them deep within my heart so that no one will find out about them.

But right now…
I don’t know why, I could scream them to the whole world around me. And it won’t even affect me.

The feelings I have are called ‘love’…hahahaha…ha…ha…-

Well, everyone would think that this is great, but let me tell you that this love is sinful. A shame…
But I cannot fight my desire, my passion…
…my love…
..the love I felt for…

“Snivelus, I would never be able to hate you! I’m your friend! I will always be by your side…I promise!”

“Are you really sure?” I hesitate to answer him. I don’t want that my most precious one will hate me…

Perhaps half of the truth will also be okay…
I’ll struggle with my answer…

“Sirius, I beg you not to hate me…”
I press my body against his…
He holds me close just as if he wants to tell me that everything will be alright.

I take a deep breath facing the story I have to tell him.
“Well it started three years ago. There was someone at our school… I think I didn’t realize it at first but I started to watch this person. Studied it… And I became always so jealous when other schoolmates where talking with this someone…. I think I’m crazy in love with this one…”

Sirius got really quiet while I was talking. So I get the feeling that I have said too much. But suddenly there is a small laugh. Next I feel him stroking my head.

"Heh, Sniv, why should I hate you? You felt in love with somebody? So what?!! I think that’s great!"
He looks at me with an uncomprehending expression.
“So tell me: why should I hate you for this?!”

“Because…because this person…is…is…”
I can’t look him into the eye.

I’m so ashamed of myself…

He embraces me again. “Tell me…”

“…a boy.”

Silence…
I can hear the tick of the watch on the table near my bed.

Damn…I shouldn’t have said this…

“See…now you hate me…”

“Who’s he?”

I’m really surprised. I really thought that he would call me ugly or even worse. But I didn’t expect THIS.
Well, and here it comes again… the fear to tell him more than he already knows.

I cannot let him know the truth…

“I can’t tell you…”

“You can and I know you will, because it’s better for your sake…and if you refuse I make you saying it!”
With these words he grabs my shoulders and makes me looking him into the eyes. This intense view makes me look away. But he takes hold of my chin and forces me to look at him.
“Tell me!”

“Please Sirius, don’t make me saying it…I don’t want you to hate me…”
My voice is jittery, but I don’t care…

The only thing I care about now is that I can’t tell him what feelings I have for him…even when there’s no point in even trying.

It will be like always: if there is something Sirius wants he does everything to get it.

He’s so strong…

Sometimes I envy him for this ability. I’m a weak person that other people use for their own interests…
Well, they would do this to me when they were able to, but my best friend protects me of them.
A knight in shining armour... hehe…even when he seems more often like a rebel…
“Severus, say it! I promise you not to hate you whoever it is you love… I even don’t care that it’s a boy.”
He looks at me with so much sympathy that I can not say no to him any longer.
“I tell you…but not here…at home, okay?”
Sirius looks like as if he wants to say something, but instead he just nods.

After this we sit in sweet silence together.
Half asleep I suddenly feel Sirius join mybed and how he hugs me.
He feels so good…
My last thought before I fell asleep…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Six days later*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Leave everything to me: you look tired and a little bit pale”, stats Sirius while he takes my bags to his car. “Get into the car, please.”
He’s so cute and so worried about me. In the last six days he has done everything for me and even now he looks still after me like a lioness after her baby.

“Don’t worry Sirius: I’m fine.”

“No, you must rest, so sit down AND REST!”

While I get into his car I’m shaking my head. I think he takes this a little bit too serious…

I’m getting nervous as we stand in front of the frontdoor of our apartment. A few days ago I promised him to tell him with whom I’m in love, but no I hope that he has forgotten about it even if I know that he doesn’t forget things like that. Actually he never forgets anything. Sirius is a too caring person for this.

I sigh as we get into the hall. It seems like an eternity that I was here. Last time I entered this place it was to go into the bathroom to end my life and now this apartment will be the witness of my way of ruining the life of my friend and my own.

“I’m going into the living room, ‘key Sirius?”

“Okey, then I make something to eat so you can get better.”

With an endearingly smile at him I turn around and walk into the living room.
What I can’t see is the faint blush of my friend as he walks into the kitchen.


Some time later we sit in front of each other: eating in silence.

Every one of us is lost in own thoughts. As I glance at him I’m shocked that he’s watching me with expressionless gaze. His eyes aren’t giving a single thought of him. This view is just so intense that I’ve to look away. A blush crosses my face.

I’m getting so nervous…what should I do?

“I’m waiting Sev, you told me to wait until we are home… Well, now we are home and so it is your turn to keep your part of the promise.”

“Uh…yes.”
I’m swallowing hard. It’s so difficult; I don’t want him to hate me…
My heart is beating so fast just like a subway train. It seems to shatter every moment.
The whole room is suddenly so hot. Sweat runs down my face and my body is trembling.

I must give him the run around until the lunch is over…I must concentrate so that I can look him into the eye…
I…

“Severus!”

His voice gets me out of my thoughts.

“Ahem …yes Sirius?”
“Oh, don’t give me that shit Sev…” he mumbles under his breath.
“I… Can we talk after our meal? Please?”

As an answer I get an irritated groan.

However Sirius looks only down on his plate and gets up to clear the table. The entire time he gives me annoyed side glances. And this is no help, because I’m already feeling guilty enough.

What should I do?
I’m ticking off my best friend and love and it’s just because of the fact that I’m madly in love with him.

The rest of the day he’s really quiet and avoids me and I can’t find the courage to speak to Sirius.

Now it’s already 8.00 p.m. and hardly a word is spoken.

Heh, I’m really annoying myself right now…
I’ve kept quiet for more than three years now and don’t have the guts to speak openly to my beloved friend…

After that little discussion in my head I get up from my bed and walk directly to his room.

It’s dark here. Sirius has no light on. There is hardly to make out his bed. Only the light bulge under the blanket makes it visible that he’s here.
Also I think he already knows that I’m in his room: he doesn’t move and his body appears tense.

“Sirius…”
A faint whisper of his name crosses the distance between his bed and me.
He doesn’t react…

Asleep, perhaps…
Immediately as I turn around I can here him whisper: “Are you finally gonna tell me with whom you are in love with?”

Without turning around I start to speak and my voice is not more than a rustle in the wind.

“Yeah…”

“Okay…”

“Well, as you know, there was a boy with whom I felt in love three years ago. He’s very special to me and always near me. Even when it was hard to be near him…”

The moon is shining as I look outside the window. Maybe he wants to spend me solace on my way to the truth…

“He’s so strong while I’m more than weak and he is more than everything…”
Sirius sits up and looks at me, I can feel it. A thrill runs down my spine.

I really adore the way he looks at me with those eyes…

“I love his borefaced grin and his arcane eyes… Well, at least you can say that he’s perfect in every single way and he has stolen my heart just the moment I’ve seen him…”

“Who’s he?” He whispers. “I’ve hardly seen someone other around you than me… Wait! There is another one. You two spend a long time… Oh holy shit! You’re not going to tell me that you felt in love wit that snaky bastard?!! With Malfoy?!”

“What?!” He thinks that I felt in love with Lucius?

“Yes, that must be it. You spend a lot of time together…” he murmurs to himself. “Oh fuck… Couldn’t you fall in love someone former than him? I can’t believe it!”

Out of the blue there is harmed laugh…
“Ha! Stop jumping to your own conclusions… Do you really think I’m talking here about Lucius Malfoy? Do you really think I could speak about him this emotional?”

“Well…”

“Oh Sirius! I could never! Well, I don’t deny that I’ve spend some years with him but there were never deeper feelings for him…”

“Well then I don’t know who it is…”
“It’s you…” I turn around as I say this.

The look he gives me now is the most unreadable I’ve ever gotten from him.
Sirius just sits there and looks at me with his grey eyes, not letting anyone know what he thinks.

“Say something! Please!” I start to cry as he stays in silence for five minutes or less. “Anything! Even when it’s just ‘I hate you! You’re abnormal and ugly!’! So I beg you to speak to me! Siri-…”

There is something warm on my lips now. Pressing softly against mine.

Am I dreaming again? This must be a dream or else Sirius wouldn’t be standing here kissing me…

WAIT!

He actually IS kissing me!

“Don’t cry…” Sirius murmurs against my lips.
The way his lips are roaming above my let me turn into a huddle of tepid goo and so I can feel that he is really skilled at this. But right now I don’t want to think about the thousands of girls or guys he has kissed before me. It’s just this precious moment I want to think about.

Nevertheless there are some doubts that this only can be my imagination.
I mean, how can it be possible that someone as handsome as my best friend wants somebody like me? As if Sirius sensed my suspicions he presses my body harder against his and now I can feel his rock hard groin.

A shocked gasp leaks my mouth and he takes this as a chance to rob it.
His tongue is exploring my wet cavern. At first I respond shyly to his actions but soon it’s a passionate fight for dominance which I let him win, because I love it when he’s so possessive and dominant. His strong arms tighten around my back and suddenly I can feel the edge of my bed and in the next moment Sirius breaks the kiss and pushes me down.

He fixes me again with this intense stare. I turn my head so that my bangs fall over my face, just to hide my flustered face.

“Beautiful…”

My head shoots around.

Did he just call me ‘beautiful’?

“Si-…!!! Mmmmph!!!”

He covers my lips again with an earth shattering kiss. But now I can also feel his hands ghosting over my trembling body. Slowly he removes my cloth and every inch that is exposed he kisses with an open mouthed kiss.

Soon my shirt is gone. And again he let his looks slide over my body.
Suddenly he his all over me: licking, biting, teasing every inch of my pale chest. Sirius seems to have a fondness for my nipples. He’s sucking on them and seduces them until they’re red and swollen.

The air is filled with my longing moans and gasps. During my heated breaths he goes further down and leaves a wet trail till he comes to my bellybutton and dips his tongue into it. A surprised mewl escapes my lips. Again I can feel Sirius mischievous grin against my abdomen.

In the next moment a scream drops from my mouth as he bites into my thigh and leaves a dark red mark.
“Now everyone can see that you’re totally mine …” He hisses against my impassioned skin and a shiver crosses over my skin.

Finally he is over my covered bulge. Sirius nuzzles it with his hot and wet mouth. Because of his actions my already hard erection grows even harder.
He’s so unbelievable that I think that I can’t last much longer. So I try to speak and tell the blackhaired man that I need something more intimate. But as the good friend he is, he realizes my needs.

My exposed length stands proud and naked after it is released of its prison but soon it is captured by an unbearable hot cavern.

“OH GOD!”
This is me.
The feeling I get while he’s sucking hard and rough on my cock is mind-blowing. The way his wet tongue curls around my dick and dips into the little slit at the head of my member is so wonderful.
For a second time this evening a startled gasp escapes my lips.
He gives a satisfied noise which sends more delightful sensations above my throbbing limb. I mewl again…
To get more of this pleasurable feeling I arch my back, but Sirius takes hold of my haunches and holds them firmly down.
Suddenly my whole body shudders and I know my orgasm is not far away.

“Not yet…” Mumbles my new boyfriend and let go of my pulsating little me.
A disappointed groan and a glare is the next thing he gets from me, but I obtain just a cheeky grin.

While he removes his clothes I watch him intensely. He is just the living wet dream…
His form of his torso is just ideal, his tanned skin and his well trained body. Sirius Black is just the perfect human being.
A blush crosses my cheeks as I realize that he is gazing at me with the same stare as me. Before I can turn my head away he’s all over me again. Kissing me passionately.
That he’s distracting me I realize as he inserts the first finger. As a result my nails dug into his tanned skin and my breath goes intermittent.
“Nnnh, Siri…this hurts….”
I’ll manage to say trough my gritted teeth.
“Hush…it will be better really soon. I’ll promise…” he whispers as he moves slowly the finger in and out.

The pain is quite unbearable. But still this is Sirius and I trust him. He would never do something that would hurt me.

So I can endure this…right?
Right!

After two minutes I move my hips experimentally and instead of a scream of pain a scream of pure lust escape my swollen lips.
Soon his second and third fingers follow and he scissors them to spread my entrance.
It’s so unbelievable how perfect this feels.
My abdomen thrusts against his fingers and I groan in ecstasy. Yet again I can feel his grin and he moves down to my hole and exchanges his fingers through his tongue. His wet muscle inside me feels so superior.

I’m really near my climax.

“Siri…I need, oh please…I” I’m begging now.

When he removes his tongue I growl in anticipation.
But soon he satisfies me with something far better than his tongue or fingers.
Sirius Black his entering me slowly with his rock hard manhood.

At first I think that his huge dick will rip me apart, but it starts to feel better and suddenly I wish for nothing more than that he’s riding me hard and fast.
Well, it seems that he wants to be gentle and so he keeps himself still. Not that I wouldn’t like this, but right now it is the worse thing he could do, so I plunge his cock inside of me by myself.
His breath halts and then he drives into me with all his might and makes me cry in desire.
Sirius is fucking me senseless. Hard. Fast. And rough.
My screams are filling the air and growing even impossible louder when he hits that special spot inside me.

“More! Oh, please more!”
My black haired lover gives in and rides me as if there is no tomorrow.
And then I can’t take it anymore with his next rough thrust I cum.
A lustful yell drips over my lips as I tighten my muscles around his cock and I can feel something warm and semifluid filling me. Sirius looks like a wild beast when he reaches his own climax. Gritting his teeth and clenching his eyes shut.
Then he collapses on top of me.
He’s lying in my arms while I think about what just happened a few seconds before and doubts come to my mind once more.
I don’t know if he loves me, because he didn’t say anything.

Sirius’ eyes are closed when I look at him skeptically.

“You want to know why I’ve did that, right?”
He has just read my mind. What an amazing ability he has.
“Uhm…yeah…”
He always surprises me when he’s exactly saying the things I’m thinking.
“I did it because of the same reason as you want me to do it.”

After a few moments of meaningless staring I understand what he’s actually saying.

He loves me?

“You…love me?”

“Yes…”

“Why?”

“Does this always need a reason? I love you and that’s it. You’ll always have been on my mind.”
He kisses me again. He really is gentle.

He loves me…



~*the End*~