Not Quite Breathing

I was nervous, my insides twisting with fear. What was going to happen to me? I knew it couldn’t be as terrible as my mind was making things to be, but still there was a part of me that wanted to believe something horrible was in store. Maybe I would end up like the rest of them, my ancestors, the pureblood family whose name dominated my destiny. Maybe I would end up in Slytherin.

“Black, Sirius,” rang the voice of the professor, and she gestured in a grand sweeping movement toward a stool that stood at the head of the Great Hall. For a moment I was shaken. Of course I should have expected myself to be one of the first, my last name being Black. I stepped forward when I felt all eyes upon my face, and a whisper of acknowledgement filled the room. The witch who had called my name helped me to place the Sorting Hat over my head, and for a moment my vision was obscured, plunged into the complete blackness of the hat.

“Another of the Noble House of Black, I see,” it spoke to me in a silk-lined voice, and for a moment I flinched, feeling sure that destiny was against me. “Oh yes, I can see many traits of your noble bloodline; the cunning, the sharpness -”

I shook my head quickly, my heart pounding now. Surely it would see that I was different. I was not like the rest of my “great and noble” household.

The hat was silent for a moment, as though it sensed my mental unrest. I waited, thinking desperately with all my might that I wanted nothing more than to break from that name that had leagued me with dark wizards and pureblood fanatics. Then faintly, in a voice I was positive I imagined, it said, “- ah yes, but this I can see clearly. Quite the black sheep, if I do say so myself. I suppose that places you in GRYFFINDOR!”

Startled, I pulled myself to my feet and came to the long table to my left belonging to Gryffindor house and was met with cheers, backslaps, and smiling faces. I didn’t go into Slitherin. Glancing across the hall, I met several faces belonging to the Slitherin’s, some of them clearly betraying their confusion at my landing myself in another house. It didn’t matter to me. Their bafflement only meant that mother would be furious, and something about that fact made me swell with pride.

As the sorting continued, I watched as fellow Gryffindors were chosen, swelling our ranks, the first girl being named ‘Evans, Lily’. My eyes returned to the group of first years standing at the head of the hall, when they fell upon a smaller boy. His expression was hard to read, but he looked absolutely crestfallen, standing at least two feet away from the rest of the group. He glanced at the others with a sort of empty longing in his eyes, then proceeded to dig his toe into an uninteresting spot of floor. His light hair, which was slightly flecked with patches of white, fell just enough to conceal his sad eyes from view. One glance and my heart fell slightly – that boy looked absolutely pitiful. Something within me hoped beyond hope that he would also be placed into Gryffindor house so that I might show him some friendship. I myself was far from being shy.

“Lupin, Remus,” chorused the witch, and the small boy came forward, looking lonely. The hat was lowered onto his head and fell completely to his shoulders, where it rested for some time. It seemed to have difficulty placing him, until it finally rang clearly though the hall.

“Gryffindor!”

I roared with the rest of the Gryffindor table as the boy passed by, and cast him a smile, which he returned shyly. To my dismay, he took his seat at the far end of the table, well away from anyone else, and buried his head in his hands.

A few minutes later, ‘Pettigrew, Peter’ and ‘Potter, James’ came to rest beside me, both boys beaming at me, their fellow first year. James, a wild-haired boy with glasses, passed a few brief exchanges with me just as the sorting was coming to a close. Then with some honest words from the headmaster, food began to fill the table with all kinds of wonderful scents. I loaded my plate hurriedly, glad for the meal, while James filled me in on all his massive plans for the year (and ambitious ones, at that). He seemed to have decided I was his friend.

As dinner passed and we began to load our plates with berry crumble and other delicious sweets, my eyes strayed again down the table to where shy Remus Lupin sat alone. Again he looked lonely, lost even, as his spoon prodded what was left of his pudding, and sighed heavily.

“What do you reckon’s got him down?” James asked me when he noticed my gaze fall upon the lonely boy.

“Dunno,” I replied truthfully, and continued to watch him as he clutched at his chest absently. “Should we find out?”

James looked at me strangely, but then nodded and flashed a smile. “Alright then.” He grabbed his plateful of cake and made a way past the other Gryffindors. I headed him off and sat rather abruptly to Remus Lupin’s right, causing him to start.

“Hey,” I said, trying my best to sound friendly. “I’m Sirius.”

“And I’m James,” piped up my bespectacled friend, who sat across from Remus, who now looked utterly confused.

“Peter,” muttered the mousy boy approaching us, and he sat to James’ left.

For a moment, Remus looked us over as though sizing us up as friend or foe, then he smiled shyly again. “Remus Lupin.”

There was utter silence as we all considered what should be said next. I decided to fill it with the question plaguing me. “Why are you sitting all alone, Remus?”

He resumed poking his pudding and didn’t seem keen to answer me right away, so I glanced at James for some kind of help.

“Yeah, you okay, mate?” he questioned, leaning over the table and speaking hushedly as though we were discussing a matter of great importance.

Remus was unsettled, it was obvious, though something told me that it wasn’t so much us as it was something he wasn’t telling us. He took a rather large swig of pumpkin juice and wiped his mouth on his sleeve, standing up. “Yeah,” he replied. “Fine.” And quickly he disappeared into a sea of fifth years, effectively escaping our questions.

I pushed my plate away and shook my head. “I don’t believe him.”

James gave me a look that showed he agreed with me, but for some reason he didn’t seem to care as much. “Yes, but apparently he doesn’t want any help. Lets just leave him alone for now.”

I shook my head again, then watched as a fifth year, a prefect, began calling for first years to follow, so I abandoned my plate and rose to join the group, James and Peter close behind.

~*~

When I entered our room, I saw that Remus had already found his place to sleep, and was curled up under the covers, the curtains to his four-poster still open. He had wrapped himself tightly in the comforter so that all one could see of him was his light, soft hair. I went to sit on the four-poster beside his, taking off my robes and throwing them carelessly into my trunk, then removing my pajamas, readying for sleep.

James followed shortly after, sent one glance in the direction of Remus’ sleeping form, and threw himself onto the four-poster across mine, sighing. “That was by far the best meal I’ve had in a while.”

“Yeah,” replied Peter, who had also entered the room and was surveying his surroundings.

I pulled on my pajamas then collapsed on my bed, my eyes straying out the window. “So what tomorrow?”

James laughed and pulled something from his trunk. “Dung bombs.”

I laughed heartily, watching the mischievous smile cross James’ face. “Of course, I should have known.” James seemed very keen to get a head start on trouble making our first day, and I had no complaints. The image of the Hogwarts caretaker chasing us down the halls while trying to dispose of the disorderly mess was enough to make me smile. I cast a glance at Peter, who looked apprehensive, but then he chuckled and nodded.

No one seemed to notice Remus stir from under his blankets other than myself. He may have been pretending to be asleep, but I knew he was listening. Rather abruptly, I took the opportunity to hopefully make an impression on him. “I like that Remus kid, you know?”

James looked at me, a little confused. “Really?” he asked, incredulous. “I thought he was awfully shy.”

I laughed. “Well, maybe that’s why we should be there for him. You know, his friends.”

Peter made some sound of utter disbelief and crawled under the blankets of his four-poster, closing the curtains. “I don’t think he’ll let us.”

I turned my glance then to where Remus lay sleeping, and noticed that his eyes were open, watching me closely. I met them and he did not hide his face, but watched me curiously, the amber eyes taking in everything. “I hope he will.” Then I pulled back the blankets and lay in bed, hoping he had taken in what I had said.

~*~

“Sirius?”

I started, my attention brought back by James, who sat at my right. He was looking at me with concern. I glanced back to the head of the class to see the same practiced speech issuing from our Potions professor. “Huh?”

“What’s going on, mate?” he asked quietly, trying not to draw attention to himself. “You were staring...”

I glanced back to the seat in front of me where Remus usually sat. For some reason, he was missing class again. It was odd for him, with as studious as he was. He never missed a class, except perhaps one day a month. It didn’t add up. Again James tried to draw my attention to him and waited for my explanation. I shrugged.

“Wouldn’t you be staring if you had to listen to this droning all day?”

James snorted and had to stifle his laughter with his sleeve. Then he added, “I do listen to this droning all day, Sirius.”

The class seemed to drag by, but slowly the time for lunch came closer, and my heart did a leap as the bell rang. While James stayed after class to receive discipline from the potions professor for acting up in class, I managed to sneak out toward the Great Hall. Strangely enough, Remus wasn’t there either. Forgetting my hunger, I made my way up to Gryffindor tower, through the portrait hole, and into the common room. Remus was nowhere to be seen.

As I trudged back down the stairs from Gryffindor tower, I stopped the Transfiguration professor to see where Remus was. She wasn’t too quick to tell me, but when she noticed the concern on my face, she led me to the hospital wing, where Remus was laid out, his face looking pale and rather peaky.

“Hey Remus, where were you today?” I asked him, trying not to betray my worry.

He glanced at me, surprised to see me, but shrugged. “I’m surprised anyone noticed.”

I laughed a little, hoping to lighten his mood. “Are you kidding?! You’re the only Gryffindor who even knows half the answers we get asked in class. How could we not notice you?”

He smiled a little, pulling the sheets up tightly around his chin. “Well thank you for coming to see me, Sirius.”

I returned the smile, happy to have some conversation with him. It was the most he had said to me in one go since we were sorted those months ago. “So what happened? Are you sick?”

He turned his eyes back the sheets and began clenching and unclenching them between his fingers. “In a way,” he replied shortly.

I noticed that the school nurse was none to pleased with my asking questions, because she was casting a dangerous glare in my direction, and seemed to be warning Remus with her eyes. I tried to ignore her. “Can I help you at all?”

Remus shook his head firmly. “Sorry.”

There was a tense silence, and I leaned back on my chair so that the front legs lifted in the air, balancing myself, when Remus spoke again.

“Actually, I can think of something,” he said finally, his amber eyes meeting mine.

“Okay,” I replied, the chair crashing down. “What is it?”

“Stay here with me, until I’m healthy enough to go back to class.”

I glanced from him to the school nurse, but she didn’t seem to mind, and that would mean I was able to skip Defense Against the Dark Arts. When the nurse cast me a smile and nodded, I grinned at Remus. “I’d love to.”

We spent a good deal of the afternoon talking about everything, ranging from classes to our families. I was much happier to listen to Remus speak of his loving parents then burden him with an account of my own, but it was pleasant to see him opening up, speaking to someone, smiling.

“Well, boys,” the school nurse interrupted, as the afternoon slipped into evening, and the sounds of students filling the corridors echoed around us. “I have a feeling that you, Remus, will be able to join your classmates in the Great Hall for supper. Would you like to help him, Sirius?”

I nodded, and helped Remus out of bed. His whole body was pale and weak, but compared to how he looked when I came to see him at lunch, he was improving. He pulled his cloak on his willowy shoulders, then put his arm around me so I could help him to the Great Hall.

We walked in silence; the only real sound was our footsteps on the flagstone as we made our way slowly to the hall. Then Remus spoke to me, though it was almost a whisper. “Sirius, there is something I want to tell you.”

I paused as he glanced around to see if anyone else was listening. When he was sure the coast was clear, he leaned in so our faces were inches from one another. “You were right. I am sick, very sick.” He sighed deeply as though what he was about to say was something he couldn’t bear to speak. “I’m...a werewolf.”

For a moment I was too shocked to say anything. My thoughts raced; of course, how could I have not noticed that Remus was never around the day after the full moon? It was every 28 days precisely. He misinterpreted my silence when I didn’t respond and tried to pull away from me. “I mean…I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have told you.”

“No, its okay,” I replied, trying to calm him and looking into his eyes. I smiled lightly. “I won’t think any worse of you. You’re still the Remus I talked to in the hospital, aren’t you?”

He looked surprised, confused even, at my simple acceptance. “You mean…it doesn’t bother you?”

“Of course not!” I replied, laughing. “Its not like you’re going to eat me now or something.”

He chuckled lightly, then met my eyes again with an expression of such deep respect that I was almost afraid to keep eye contact. “Thank you,” he said quietly. “I was afraid you’d be just like everyone else. Afraid of me for what I was.”

I shook my head as we continued the journey to the Great Hall. “Nah. Its not like you planned it that way.”

And I joined Peter and James with Remus. It was the first time the four of us sat together, and the first time Remus showed any outward signs of enjoying himself. While he smiled and laughed lightly, I watched the joy cross his tired, pale face, and a thought stirred within me. There was something beautiful about his happiness, about his comfort with them. How anyone could have thought this shy, quiet, intelligent boy could be any danger to them? He was so kind, so gentle, and so soft-spoken that the idea was quickly thrown from my mind. I would do what I could to help him get past what he was to show everyone who he was.

~*~

The weekend passed quietly for those still in the Gryffindor common room. The third years and up had left for Hogsmead, James and Peter included. Remus had stayed behind to get some work done on an essay for our History of Magic class, and I had remained with him, not wanting to leave him alone.

We sat on the couch in front of the fire in the common room alone, the only interruption being the occasional first year who would sneak through quickly, ready to go outside and enjoy the nice weather. I was busy levitating various objects in their direction when they would come passing through, only to receive a reprimand from Remus.

“Honestly, Sirius, couldn’t you find something else to do with yourself then terrorize the first years?”

I laughed and began my attack on him instead. He waved his hand vaguely at the quill I was now levitating near his face, but otherwise ignored me.

“Oh Remus, you’re already a whole roll of parchment beyond what we were asked to write!” I exclaimed as the quill fell to the floor. “Can’t you just wrap it up so that we can have some fun already?”

He looked at me with a placid expression. “I’m surprised you don’t have this essay to work on.”

I shrugged. “I wrote it yesterday after dinner. You forget, you have two more classes than any of the rest of us.”

He smiled a little, glanced down at the parchment again, then hastily wrote a few more lines before rolling the parchment up. “There. Finished.” He set it in his bag with his books, then stood up. “So what are we doing for fun?”

I grinned and pointed to the Marauders Map. James had left it behind for Remus and I to use, should we want to. He glanced around, making sure that no one was watching, then came over and looked over the map with me. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” I spoke quietly, and the map became alive with tiny dots, all weaving their way through the halls and passages around Hogwarts. There were fewer people than usual due to the visit to Hogsmead village, so quickly we surveyed where there were fewest and headed in that direction. It was in passing down a seventh floor corridor that a thought occurred to me. Perhaps it would be better for Remus and I to find a place to hide together, rather than risk sneaking to Hogsmead without the help of James and his invisibility cloak. As I thought this over several times, I became aware of a door to my left that hadn’t been there before. “Hey, Remus, what room is this?”

He paused in his step and glanced from the door to the map, looking puzzled. “According to the map, there is no room.”

I glanced from his eyes to the door, then reached forward to pull it open. When I glanced inside my eyes were met with an interesting sight. The room was quaint and somewhat small, though pleasantly cheerful in a way. There were bookshelves along one of the walls, and soft pillows piled all over the floors. Near the door was a board that warned of passersby; at this moment it read R.J. Lupin and S. Black.

Remus stepped past me, looking awestruck, and went to observe the bookshelves. His face lit up as he scanned the titles. “Hey Sirius, there are books here about lycanthropy! Look; How to Make A Smoother Transformation – the Werewolf’s Guide; Lycanthropes – The Man, Not the Monster; oh, and Sirius, listen to this: Animagus Made Easy.”

I closed the door swiftly behind me, and noticed that the board had wiped itself clean. No one had seen us go in. I then came behind Remus to glance at the book titles. As he ran his fingers along the spine of the books, pointing out the various novels that he found intriguing, I noticed something else sitting on the bookshelf. It was a photograph that I clearly had no recollection of ever having had taken, and yet there it lay, black and white, tattered at the edges, but still showing two smiling faces. Remus continued to beam over the books when I gently picked up the photograph, staring into its depths at the two sets of eyes smiling back.

“And here’s one about joke curses, How To Impress Your Friends One Hex At A…” He paused when he noticed I was no longer paying attention to the books. “What is it?”

I didn’t say anything but handed it to him. His eyes grew wide when he recognized the faces in the photo. “When was this taken?”

I shrugged. “It looks like that day I came to visit you in the hospital wing second year. The day you told me you were a werewolf.”

“That was almost four years ago…” Remus breathed. He seemed drawn into the photo, watching our younger selves waving and smiling, our arms around each other’s shoulders. It seemed unlikely that the photo had ever been taken, but the fact that it was in this room along with books about Lycanthropy and Animagi was almost disturbing. “Do you know what this means?” Remus asked finally, uttering a spell and placing the photograph on the wall so that the two young figures smiled and waved at both of us. I shook my head. “This is like a secret room. A place just for us.”

I started when he said then, feeling my face grow a little hot. “Just us? Not James or Peter?”

Remus looked confused, collapsing backwards onto a pile of pillows on the floor. “Well, I suppose, but the picture is of us, isn’t it? You wouldn’t mind if they didn’t come?”

I doubted that Remus had any comprehension how little I minded that he and I had a secret place for the two of us. Again my voice failed me, and I collapsed onto the pillows beside him. I continued to stare at the photograph, wondering how the room seemed to know everything about us, how it had prepared itself for the two of us. Remus looked curiously at my blank expression, a slight trace of worry in his tired eyes. “Oh, of course you do.”

I blinked. “What?”

“I said of course you mind. James is your best friend; you wouldn’t leave him out of this.” He ran his fingers vaguely through his light hair flecked with grey and sighed.

“No I don’t,” I replied, looking at him as he leaned his chin on his knees, pulling himself tightly inward, almost as though hiding. “I don’t mind at all, Remus.”

He didn’t respond right away as though he wasn’t sure that he believed me. Then his amber eyes locked with mine, and I noticed the sadness behind them. They looked so tired, so empty, and so lonely. Finally he spoke, but his voice was soft, softer than it usually was, and I had to lean close to him to hear. The candlelight that was illuminating the room seemed to have dimmed, and the warmth I felt was overwhelming as I drew myself closer to him. “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Always, Remus,” I answered, and I watched as his eyes drew their attention from me to the board by the door. It was still void of letters. “I don’t think anyone is going to find us here,” I spoke to his unasked question. “When I found this place, I was thinking -” but then I stopped and looked back at Remus. “What is it?”

“Sirius, I…” he started, looking down at his hands as though they were of immense interest. “…I really like you, you know…”

I stiffened. Could he know? I remembered James asking me a few months ago who “the girl was” with a smirk on his face. James had figured out that I was keeping something from him. Could Remus have figured out too? Again I became aware of the sensation of growing darkness, though I thought perhaps it was a trick on my eyes. “I like you too, Remus,” I spoke after some mental debate, hoping perhaps this would not lead to a negative reaction. I couldn’t deal with the loss of Remus as a friend. It would be as devastating as loosing James.

Remus sighed then and lay back on the pillows, so I had to lie on my side to see his face. He kept his eyes on the ceiling. “That’s not quite what I meant,” he muttered, looking disheartened. I felt a little guilty at his quiet reaction and tried to smile at him.

“Me either.”

He glanced at me with a quizzical expression and I smiled brightly. I didn’t know what possessed me to do it; perhaps it was my recklessness that told me no matter what happened, things would work out in the end. I suddenly took his small hand in mine, then leaned over to kiss him. It was brief, but it seemed the right thing to do, and when I pulled away from his soft lips, I was a bit shocked myself. Remus blinked momentarily at me, looking taken aback, but then he laughed and threw his arms around my shoulders. “Apparently we both didn’t mean it,” he said through his laughter. “Where did that come from?”

I laughed too and held him in my arms, feeling his small frame pressed firmly against mine. “It seemed right,” I replied, brushing his fine hair with my fingertips. My heart was racing in my chest as he pulled away from me and ran his slender fingers across my cheek gently, looking into my eyes with a new smile across his face. It was a small smile, a shy smile, and yet it made my face grow hot all over again, the chills running down my spine.

“I was afraid that this would never happen,” he spoke softly, barely above a whisper, and he continued to caress my cheek. “I was afraid that, with all the girls after you, that I wasn’t even an option.”

I didn’t say anything but pulled him to me again, kissing him harder this time, but he did not fight me. His hands ran softly along my back as I held him, then pulled away with that same smile on his face. “You were the only option,” I said when I caught back my breath. He was barely breathing.

“Are you sure no one can find us in here?” he asked me quietly, his eyes never leaving my face as he spoke.

“I’m sure,” I spoke in reply, and I brushed his cheek with my fingertips. He smiled brightly and held me close to him. I knew what he meant as he collapsed onto the pillows and looked up at me with his quiet eyes. James and Peter would never miss us… I thought to myself. And I fell down beside him, loosing myself in him.

AN: well, i hate to be a pest, but i'd love you forever if you left me reviews. feel free to criticize - i think i can take it. ^_^