If Only To Let Go

Author's Note: Hello everyone. Don't mind me. This is my first fic on here and I hope it is meet with your expectations. I can't promise anything steamy, but fortunately I have been assured that is not a necessity on this site. But enjoy the piece, leave me comments, and I hope to impress. ^_^


Everyone is silent. No one moves. No one breathes. No one can even begin to comprehend the situation. Things happen so quickly, so unthinkingly fast that I scarce can take it in.

But all this now I see very clearly.

Seconds seem like hours. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. And slowly, slowly, I watch your frail form curve gracefully as you fall. Your dim eyes meet mine and I can’t breathe. My feet are like lead locked in position. Why can’t I reach out to you? Oh God, this isn’t happening; not to you.

There’s something within your eyes as they search me. So many memories in those eyes, so many dreams. I can’t control my thoughts as they pull me back to a time I cannot forget. How will you ever know what strength you have given me?

Please…you can’t leave me like this.

~*~

I was walking down the halls, pulled into myself, as I frequently was, when a voice caught my attention. “Hey, Remus!”

I spun around and there was one of the boys from my house. He was a popular boy with raven black hair and sparkling grey eyes, and he was talking to me. I couldn’t really understand what had possessed him to do so, but all the same I tried to respond. “Hi, Sirius.”

“Hey, I noticed you were all alone, so I thought maybe you’d like to….take a walk with me?” His bright eyes pleaded with mine, and despite my fear that perhaps somewhere behind all this was a horrible trick, I did not refuse. I nodded and a brilliant smile crossed his face. “Great! I was afraid maybe you’d say no.” He offered me his hand and led me out of Hogwarts and onto the grounds. The trees were swaying in the breeze, and that same breeze tickled the hairs on the back of my neck. Sirius was rambling on about many things, and though I didn’t know how to respond, all the same I was content to listen. His intentions seemed genuine. For a glimmering moment of joy, I thought perhaps there were people out there who might love me despite my shortcomings. Perhaps he would accept my condition.

Fear of the contrary kept me from speaking all the same.

Together we sat by the lake and I watched the low sun, which cast a crimson glow upon the water, and on the face of my companion. He had ceased speaking, for the time being, and his expression was complacent, as though he were deeply absorbed in thought and wonder. Finally he turned to me a smiled. “Today was fun, Remus.”

I didn’t know quite how to respond to him so I smiled. “Yeah.” It was comforting to sit with him. I lost all fear of being ashamed by him. I needed someone to confide in. I needed someone to tell my secret. Someone who I could lean on as the time grew near. Someone like him. “Sirius?”

He glanced at me, a bit surprised. “Yeah?”

“If I tell you something, you’ll trust me, right?” I asked quietly, and he looked a little confused. “You won’t tell anyone? You’ll still be my friend?”

His eyes surveyed me speculatively as though he was a bit afraid of what I might say. “I…yeah. You don’t think you’ve honestly done something that would make me not be your friend, do you?” I turned away for a moment, and he became concerned. “What is it?”

I didn’t really know why I felt the need to tell him, to trust him, this boy that I barely knew. But he had reached out to me. This handsome, wonderful boy had reached out to be friends with me, the lonely boy with a dark secret. If I couldn’t trust him, who could I trust? “I have a terrible problem.”

I felt his hand on my shoulder. “What, Remus?”

“I’m a werewolf.” It came out like a poisonous serum from my tongue and I spat it out with displeasure. It was so terrible. What else was there to say? I couldn’t look at him and turned my eyes to the lapsing water. From beneath the depths, a few sparkling bubbles broke the surface and rippled its face, distorting the sun’s reflection.

“A werewolf? That’s all?”

I couldn’t believe it when he said it and glanced up to meet his beaming face. “You mean….it doesn’t bother you?”

“Are you kidding?” he replied, and a bark-like laugh escaped his lips. “That’s probably the most interesting thing I’ve heard all day! Is that why you’re gone every 28 days?”
I couldn’t help but smile with him. Somehow a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Now someone knew. But he didn’t seem to mind.

“Besides, no one chooses to be a werewolf anyway. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Remus,” he spoke more seriously, then stood up and stretched his arms above his head. “C’mon. We should probably head to the Great Hall for dinner or we’ll go hungry.”
I stayed close to him as we returned to the castle. My fears were relieved just by his presence, and something made me feel obliged to him for his kindness. I decided that day that he was my true friend. He was my confidant and he didn’t care about my condition. I was unable to put into words how thankful I was for him.

~*~

I was alone. Again. Always alone, always wanting to suffer myself so I wouldn’t hurt others. My head felt woozy, but the potion had served its purpose, and now I was little more that a harmless wolf. The walls about me shook and creaked, but by now I was used to it. The same thing day after day for three long years. A soft howl escaped my canine snout and I curled up on the floor of the Shrieking Shack.

From somewhere unknown, a feeble howl answered mine. What was left of my human mind pondered the empty response, when my strong wolf sense of smell picked up three strange new odors. Though they were quite different, I knew them to be my friends James, Sirius and Peter. They had, somehow, through their mysterious ways, become animagi. Sirius I knew had been the one to answer me, for he entered the Shrieking Shack in the form of a black bear-like dog. James followed him in the form of a delicate stag. And then Peter, fearful and skittish Peter, had taken the form of a small house rat, and he skittered about their feet, his beady eyes ever on me. I could not speak to them, but I’m sure they could sense my emotions. They knew they were welcome. They knew that they had given me the one thing I needed most at this time; companionship.

I didn’t want to be alone anymore, and now I no longer had to fear of it. These boys, these strong individuals who had befriended this lone werewolf, would not leave me. I could sense it within my being. They cared.

I remained curled on the floor, now comforted by their presence, and lowered my head to rest. Then I felt another form come to rest against mine, sleeping beside me. I didn’t even have to look. There was no other who would be so bold as to lay beside a werewolf. I could smell, sense, feel that it was Sirius, and I was truly glad. I was thankful that Peter and James were there as well, but Sirius was the one who I really needed during that time. I remember very little of that first night in the Shrieking Shack with them. All I can recall is falling easily to sleep with his resting form beside me, and his shallow breathing gently pressing against my side.

~*~

I was alone in the common room, finishing some homework, while vaguely listening to the sound of the fire that crackled and spat from the fireplace to my left. Its warm heat was soothing and comforting; quite the opposite of the winter weather outside. I could hear the moaning of the wind and despite its forcefulness, it was calming. I would have slept peacefully there, in the warm glow of that comforting fireplace, if I didn’t need to work on a Potions assignment. I touched my quill to the parchment on my lap and began writing in smooth, slanting letters. I wasn’t really thinking about the assignment, but I also wouldn’t let myself put if off. If I didn’t start now, I would be worrying the night before it was due (as Sirius did quite frequently).

It was ironic that my thoughts turned to him just moments before he entered the common room. He was alone, which struck me as funny, as I had remembered him leaving with Peter and James. Now they were nowhere to be seen. “Whacha doin’, Moony?” he asked with a grin, and sauntered up to me, taking the chair opposite me. He looked disappointed in me. “Homework? During Christmas break?!”

“I’m working on our Potions assignment,” I answered quietly, trying to seem totally absorbed in my writing. I wrote another sentence and then glanced up at him again. “Where are James and Peter?”

Sirius laughed maliciously. “Well, I’m sure you can figure out where James is.”

Of course, how could I have forgotten Lily Evans? James had taken a fancy to her fifth year, and now the two were practically attached. “And Peter?”

Sirius looked contemplative. “I dunno. He left after dinner. I really don’t know where he went.” He didn’t seem too interested, and shifted his weight in the chair while I began writing again. I wanted so much to put down that parchment, but I also couldn’t ignore the voice in my head that told me what might happen if I did, so I allowed myself to become absorbed in it once more. When several minutes passed and Sirius did not leave, I finally put the parchment down and looked at him. “You gunna be working on that all evening?” he asked quietly.

“I should,” was my meek answer. It was true, but I couldn’t admit how much I really didn’t want to.

“Oh, c’mon, Remus, you need to give yourself a break!” Sirius finally exclaimed, and he reached over and tore the parchment from my hands. It took me by surprise, allowing him to successfully strip me of my preoccupation. I attempted to steal it back, but to no avail – he stood up and backed away with a grin. “Look at yourself! You’re freaking out over a potions assignment!”

I stopped fighting it and looked at him more directly. Could it be possible I spent too much time working and too little time enjoying life? As if he could read my thoughts, Sirius added. “You need to get out and do something.” Then a certain glint caught his eye. “Hey, lets go do something now! Together!”

I watched him for a moment, burning with curiosity, but all the same I kept telling myself not to give in. Not when there was homework that needed to be done, or tests to study for. I knew there was no escaping however, when he produced our map, the Marauders Map, and waved it before my eyes. “C’mon. Just one night. You deserve it.”

I laughed at his childishness. “I suppose one night can’t hurt.” His face brightened considerably at my response and he thrust a fist into the air in celebration of his victory.

“Okay Remus!” he exclaimed. “Lets go!”

I never really got the chance to ask him where we were going, but I followed him stealthily and kept an eye out for encroaching teachers or students using the map. Soon he had led me outside into the knee-deep snow as night was steadily falling. We both glanced around to be sure that no one could see us, then made a dash for the whomping willow tree and hid in the shadow of its greatness (though not close enough to be “whomped”), exhilarated by the prospect of possibly being caught. Then I cast an imobulus spell on the willow so was had no fear of sitting beneath it. The snow was cold and wet, but I didn’t mind too much. It was exciting to be outside, with the dim light from Hogwarts making everything sparkle and shimmer, and I took pleasure in breathing out sharply upon my hand to watch my breath curl about my fingers as vapor. He laughed at me and my eyes caught his momentarily and I smiled back. “Now, how can you compare this to a potions assignment?”

“I can’t,” I replied honestly, and I sat rather abruptly in the white, cold snow. It stuck to my robe and its moist chill caused a shiver to run down my spine, but for the moment it didn’t seem to matter. He sat beside me then, and we watched the snowflakes falling gently. “It’s so beautiful.”

I felt his eyes searching me, trying to find the right thing to say, but all he could muster was a vague “Yeah…”

I didn’t want to go back to the common room that night. Everything was like a dream. I didn’t have to worry about schoolwork, or rival students, or even my condition. I was just there, freezing in the snow beside my dearest friend. I knew the time would come for us to go back, and when it did, I refused. “Can’t we just stay here?”

“It's cold,” he replied and looked a little perplexed by my refusal to return. “And you know how easily you get sick. C’mon, lets go.”

“But I was having fun,” I said quietly, and his eyes didn’t leave my face as I looked down at my hands. “I haven’t had this kind of fun in a long time.”

He laughed, not boisterous, but softly, as though he were pleased. “I’m glad. You needed it.”

I couldn’t refuse when he stood up and offered me his hand. I allowed him to pull me to my feet, then together we walked back to the common room, and found James and Peter asleep on their beds beside ours. I felt sad as I crawled under the thick blankets and felt the icy-wetness melting off of my body. I knew that when the day would come, we would go back to being the four marauders. Sirius would go back to being James’ best friend, and I would remain his charity project.

I didn’t blame James. He was a dear friend of mine. But something about Sirius made me possessive, perhaps needy. I wanted desperately to be important to him.

~*~

I watched the smiling, happy faces and found that the expression was no longer foreign on my face. Though during my lone and empty times I rarely found myself smiling, the love and care of friendship had forced the foreign expression upon my face, more and more. In front of me was a champagne flute filled with the sparkling liquid, none of which I had touched, to my left sat Peter, squirmy and skittish as ever, and to my right sat Sirius. Across from us, James sat beside a radiant looking Lily, and as usual both were smiling.

The day had been absolutely beautiful for the both of them. Everything had gone perfectly. I had been unable to stop smiling since the moment the ceremony started, and continued to do so all through the reception. But inside I was feeling empty. I knew what would happen after the reception was over. I would go home, to be alone, and pine away about what would become of me. I tried to imagine myself with someone, but it never turned out exactly right. I couldn’t ever begin to believe that anyone would risk their lives to love a werewolf. Not when the person sleeping beside you could tear you to pieces.

But all the same I smiled. I watched my two friends revel in their newfound happiness, and I wanted so desperately to share in it. It was later, after the two had left, and Sirius, Peter and I were alone, that I was able to wipe the false smile off my face. Peter, being the withdrawn and jumpy person that he was, kept his distance from me, but Sirius would not be swayed. He knew there was something wrong. He always did. But I couldn’t ruin this perfect day for him. Ruining it for myself was enough pain.

“What’s going on, Moony?” he pressed, drawing closer to me. I tried to busy myself with anything. Cleaning plates and silverware, tables, but he stayed close and followed me even when my movements became staggered and abrupt. “You seem upset.”

“I can’t tell you,” I answered calmly, and I turned about, waving my wand to arrange the chairs about a table when he grabbed my hand. His grip was tight but not forceful, and he looked at me directly.

“What is it?”

I couldn’t look into his eyes. I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking, or the many empty, haunting thoughts that crossed my mind in the confines of an empty room. My thoughts wandered too much. I couldn’t tell him what it was. But the sternness of his gaze and the seriousness of his eyes almost moved me to selfish tears. “I don’t…I can’t.”

“What, Remus? What?”

I looked into his eyes, his deep, grey eyes, and I sighed. “You are James’ friend first and foremost. So for once, let me just…be.”

He looked thwarted, then frustrated, all the while not letting go of my hand. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying…I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“That you’re jealous?”

I didn’t need to say anything for the silence to be read. “I just don’t want to be alone anymore.” I then wrenched my arm from his grip, and turned rather quickly to leave. I apparated to my small, empty, lonesome home, and collapsed onto my cold, rigid empty bed, feeling selfish and cruel. I was jealous. But I felt so completely unwanted and unloved. Who could truly feel for someone like me? It was like looking at the world through a sheet of glass – being able to take in all the beauty of life without the attachment. I wanted to be there, but I was separated from it all. Perhaps I was the one who separated myself from the rest of the world. But the separation burned and tore at my heart.

I was spending the evening staring at the ceiling when a knock on the door stirred me from my stupor. I was not surprised to find Sirius there when I answered it, but something about him had changed since the reception. Perhaps it had been what I said.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he spoke barely above a whisper. I moved aside, allowing him into my abode, and together we sat side by side on my bed. I couldn’t meet his eyes. I felt petty and foolish, like a little child. “I guess I didn’t see you that way because I look at you differently from how I look at James.”

I sighed. I did not speak. Like so many years prior, it seemed best just to listen then. But unlike that jubilant first meeting, this one was tense and lacked all the joy of our childhood. “James is my best friend. But you’re important to me too.”

“Just not as important as he is,” I responded. My voice sounded distant; much further away than my thoughts.

“No, it’s not even the same.” He was trying to make eye contact with me, but I kept my eyes on my feet. I could sense his gaze upon me, unwavering and severe. “I care about you just as much as I care about him. It’s just a different kind…” his voice faded and he finally turned his gaze upon something other than me.

I wasn’t sure what he meant by that. I just wanted him to stay. “Its always the same,” I spoke vaguely. My mind was moving faster than my words and they came out jumbled, making little sense. “I always wanted you to stay with me. I didn’t want our time together to end. But it always did, and we always went back to our foursome.” I looked down at my hand, clenching and unclenching them as I spoke. “I love being the four of us,” I finally added. “But there’s something about being the two of us that makes me wish it would never end. You were the first person who was truly there for me. I was lonely and angry because of who I was, or what I was. And you didn’t care about any of that. You were just there.”

I didn’t want to say what was on my mind then, but even in those early days, when I was a quiet, empty first year, I felt something toward him. Just his presence made me feel like there was no werewolf buried deep inside me. I forgot about the pain, about the miserable weakening of my body every month, about the lonely nights alone where I would moan and howl and tear at my flesh with my canine jaws. It was as though, for one evening, when it was simply he and I, there was no yesterday, nor a tomorrow. There was simply now.

“You don’t want to be alone anymore,” he said, remembering my words from earlier that evening. “Remus, you were never alone.”

“Wasn’t I?”

It sounded foolish to me, but the glass came up again, between the world and myself. I felt as though once again I was gazing through, listening, watching, but never being able to touch. “We went through so much to make sure you were never alone, Remus. We changed everything to make sure you were never alone. We broke laws to make sure that you were never alone. Doesn’t that mean something?”

I didn’t answer him but stood up and paced the room. In the far corner was a mirror and I watched myself in its depths. The pale reflection looked so empty and so unhappy. It hurt my soul just looking at it, so I brought my eyes back to Sirius, finally looking at him directly. His eyes did not waver for a moment, and we remained locked on one another, neither moving, nor, it felt, breathing. Finally I was able to say what I had been meaning to say all along. “You know what I was thinking today, after the wedding?”

He didn’t answer, but waited for my answer.

I sighed, tearing my gaze away from him. “I wish I could have that.”

“Remus -” he began, but I cut him off.

“No, it’s not like that. Sometimes I wonder why this was meant for me, you know?” I didn’t disguise the fact that my voice wavered and my thoughts were running without me. “What did I do to deserve this? To become such a monster?” I began pacing the room, the floor seeming to cry out with each shallow step. “And I think maybe there is no other choice for me, than to be alone.”

He seemed to be taking in everything I said with deep seriousness and didn’t say anything. I knew he must have been concealing a thousand thoughts connected with a thousand emotions, but he didn’t voice them. He just observed me quietly falling apart. When I had finished speaking, he waited for me to continue, and when the silence had become long enough, he finally found his words. “Can I be honest with you?”

I found my eyes searching him, wondering, perhaps out of fear that what I had said had been too accurate. I didn’t want to push him away. I sat down beside him once more and watched him curiously. “I hope that you are always honest with me.”

A small smile tried to pull at the corners of his mouth, but it was a momentary sliver of light within the emptiness, and within moments it faded into nothing. “You are not alone. I wish I had known how you felt before this. I could have done more for you.”

I was fighting the loneliness again and felt my eyes begin to cloud. “There is nothing that you can do for me.”

It was then that I was taken off guard, for he turned sharply and his dangerous eyes locked with mine, our faces perhaps inches apart. I felt him grasp me sharply by the shoulders, and he pressed his lips against mine. It was so sudden and so unexpected that my body went rigid and I was unable to respond. Then, softly, gently I felt myself falling into the forced embrace, and the feeling was not only deep, but also desired. When he pulled away, his face remained close to mine, so close that I could feel his breath on my face. “I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have done that,” he said finally, and without saying anything else, he turned and started to leave.

“No, Sirius, come back, please!” I called after him. He turned around, looking somewhat embarrassed by his actions, but in my heart there was nothing to be embarrassed of. I came up to him then and wrapped my arms around him tightly, burying my head in his shoulder. “Please don’t leave me. I want you to stay. Please.”

He returned the gesture feebly, gently patting my back. “You aren’t upset?”

“No,” I answered honestly. I did not let him go and he tightened his grip around me. “No, I rather enjoyed it. I never realized it before, but you have helped me see my true feelings about you. I love you.”

He finally pulled away from me and took my face in his hands, this time gently kissing my forehead. “And I you.”

That same night, when I awoke to feel his arms still around me, and his warm body pressed against my side, something told me that I would no longer have to fear anyone’s lack of acceptance. For one glimmering moment, I had asked him to stay, and he had stayed. It seemed to me that perhaps my vision was taking physical manifestation. In my mind, there would be no more separation. He was here beside me, and he wasn’t going to leave me anymore.

~*~

And here it comes to an end again. I watch him, his grey eyes casually locking with mine as his body curves in a graceful arc while he slowly approaches the floor. It seems only yesterday I had him back again. Our two and a half short years could never make up for the twelve years he spent being torn apart in that prison. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want him to leave me again.

But something about his eyes now, something about them tells me that its time to let go. Time has lost its dragging crawl, and with a rustle of fabric and an emotional outbreak that tugs at my heart.

“SIRIUS!”

“There’s nothing you can do, Harry,” is the only thing I can force to escape my lips, as I wrap my arms about him securely. I cannot be falling apart for myself now. I have to think of the boy. “Nothing. He’s gone.”

AN: please leave reviews, otherwise i can't improve. ^_^ i'll love you forever...