Dragonberries

Title: Dragonberries
Author: LdDurham
Rating: R/NC-17 (language and not very explicit sex)
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Beta: deathangelgw
Warning: Silliness, the destruction of a beloved fairytale
Notes: This was written for Realmess for xmas. She wanted something to make her laugh. I hope I did that right. :)
Also, this is my homage to Jennavere who makes me wet myself. It's not as good, but it is written in her style. ...I hope.


Dragonberries


There once was a woman who had feared that she would never be granted a child. She and her husband did all that they could - many, many times and in many different places - until finally she became round with child.

It happened one day that this woman was looking out her quite lovely window into the neighbour's yard when she happened to see a bush with juicy Dragonberries. The woman had a particular fondness for this particular fruit and immediately wished to have some in her beautifully manicured hand. Unfortunately, the stores were fresh out of Dragonberries and it appeared that the only place that had any ripe berries at that particular time of year was their next-door neighbour.

Now, it was well known throughout the land that this woman's neighbour was a very mean and nasty man who had some way with spells and curses. The woman, who was quite heavy with child and no longer certain why she had wanted to be in this state so dearly, wanted those berries at any cost and so asked her husband to search out the fruit and deliver it to her. The husband declined, saying he had a hangnail and was in no mood to go forth and fetch anything but a manicure. But the woman was so wroth with him and gave him no rest until he was left with nothing to do but pick up his clothing from the lawn and collect the berries.

The man brought back a handful of berries, but it was just not enough for the woman and so he was sent out everyday to fetch more. This went on for many a day until finally the man was found by the neighbour when he was trying to sneak back home. The Sorcerer was sore vexed to find his treasured Dragonberry bush raped of its fruit.

"Please, spare me. I was only doing what my wife would have me do. She is heavy with our child and really quite frightening. Please, show mercy and not justice," the husband pleaded.

"I will show you mercy if you promise me your unborn child. I collect children, you see. A hobby, really, and will keep it safe and happy. A treasured pet, if you will," the sorcerer promised. The husband, who was much more scared for his own skin than for a kid he had never met, agreed to the bargain and went home with his hands full of berries.

On the day of the birth, the sorcerer appeared and whisked the boy child away naming him Draco in honour of the fruit his parents had stolen. The babe grew and became the prettiest boy in all the land. But his personality left something to be desired. So displeased and irritated by the boy's whining, complaining, and demands, the sorcerer placed the boy in a tower with no doors or stairs. There was only a small window at the very top from which the boy could look out and mock the birds flying in the sky or the trees waving in the wind.

A year or two passed and it happened that one day, not very far away from the tower, a rousing game of Quidditch was being played. Having not many people, the players opted to play with one ball. And it happened that this single ball was knocked so hard that it flew the long distance and serendipitously was able to find, and fly through, the tiny window in the tower.

"I'll get it!" Harry laughed and flew off on his broom after the Quaffle. He broke through the trees just as the wayward ball went sailing into the window of a tall and narrow tower.

"Where on Earth did this thing come from?" Harry asked aloud, but upon receiving no answer, slowly ascended and came level with the window.

"Little help?"

"You'll need much more than a little if that is what you call an outfit!"

Harry was quite stunned at the shrillness of the voice and nastiness of the comment. He flew nearer for a closer look. The sun was now hidden behind the tower and he could see clearly into the window. Inside was a small room that was very nicely decorated with subdued colours and soft fabrics. Out of the shadows came a blond young man who was really quite breathtaking. And as Harry had an eye towards the lads, he felt qualified in saying so.

"You're pretty hot," he said.

"I know. And your outfit is still abysmal. I've been locked in a tower for years and even I know that shirt is out of fashion."

Harry flew a bit closer and leaned on the window ledge. "You've been locked in a tower? This tower?"

"No, fool. The Trump Tower. What the hell other tower did you think I meant?"

"Well, you never know…" Harry leaned forward and asked, "What's your name?"

"Draco. And you are?" the blond asked with a raised eyebrow, crossed arms, and a jutting hip.

Harry smiled his 'I'm-going-to-get-me-some-tonight' smile. "I'm Harry Potter."

"And do you hold some sort of profession or title, Mister Harry Potter?"

Harry nearly fell off his broom. "What do you mean? I'm Harry Potter!"

"Yes, you said that. Great. The first normal conversation I have in years and it's with a special person." Draco walked away from the window. Harry scrunched his face up and climbed into the tower.

"I am not special! I'm special!" He shook his head at his own words. The blond merely pursed his lips and cocked his head to the side. "What I meant was, is that I'm Harry Potter. The Harry Potter that is the saviour of the world and all that."

"And what exactly did you save the world from?"

"Well, um, you see there was this really bad sorcerer and he was doing all these bad things and then he went after me and I kinda killed him or something." Harry trailed off, as the matter of his importance was somewhat lacking in the tale.

"Yes well, Great Saviour Harry Potter, I have heard nothing of you and I am fairly up to date in all the world's important news," Draco said as he waved a hand at the stack of glossy magazines in the corner. Frowning, Harry marched over and looked at the stack.

"Gentlemen's Fashion Weekly? Home décor de Jour? Couture of Consequence?" Harry spun around to glare at the blond. "These are all fashion and trend magazines!"

"Well, of course. And seeing the way you dress, I am utterly surprised you never made it into 'Totally Trash'."

Harry glared harder and stormed up to the blond. "You know, I think I know why someone put you in this tower! If I were your parents, I'd have snuffed you at birth!"

"It wasn't my parents that put me here. It was a sorcerer."

Harry blinked. "Huh? A sorcerer put you in here? Was he your father or something?"

"Did you not just hear me say that it wasn't my parents that put me in here?" Draco retorted with an eye roll. "A sorcerer took me from my parents in exchange for Dragonberries."

"What?" Harry shook his head. "Run that by me again, would you?"

With a huff, Draco told the story of his greedy mother and his cowardly father and the irritated sorcerer. "And I've been in this tower ever since."

Harry's eyes were wide. "Wait! You were given away for some fruit?"

"Well, it's very expensive fruit," Draco justified.

"Still, that really sucks." Draco shrugged his shoulders in a 'what-are-you-gonna-do' gesture. Harry looked around and a thought struck. "So, wait. You've been up here by your lonesome for years? No one else up here?"

"Well, the sorcerer pops in now and then to ask if I want another subscription to a magazine. But yeah, pretty much all alone."

Harry smirked. "So, you've never, you know… Done It before, then."

Draco narrowed his eyes. "What exactly are you referring to?"

Harry sidled a bit closer and winked. "You know…" He gave Draco a nudge with an elbow.

Draco glared. "No, I don't know!"

Harry smiled and leaned in closer to whisper in Draco's ear.

"…and then your tongue…"

"Is that even legal?"

"…and then I put my…."

"Oh My!"

"…then when we…"

Draco drew back with wide eyes. "Are you sure that is a very fashionable thing to do?"

"Oh, very fashionable," Harry replied emphatically. "They just can't put it in the magazines because then all the un-cool people would know about it, you understand."

Draco thought for a moment. "Well, that does make sense, I suppose." He eyed Harry with a sideways look. "You're sure it won't mess up my hair?"

"I'm positive!" Harry declared with a smile.

"Very well. I pride myself on being in fashion. I can't let this be my downfall."

"Oh no, sweet cheeks. Not your downfall at all!" And Harry grabbed the pretty, but dumb, blond and kissed him with all he had. Soon, he had Draco on the very fashionable floor rug and both their trousers off.

"Oh, I thought it only did that when Karl Lindman had a new spread," Draco murmured in awe as he looked down at his erection. Harry smirked and slid down the half dressed body that was surprisingly built for having spent years in a twenty-foot by twenty-foot tower room. The abs were ripped but not cut, the arms were firm but not bulky. All in all, Draco was a hottie.

"Are you sure this is hygienic? I've read about things being unhygienic and I wouldn't want that," Draco commented as he watched Harry eye the blond's cock like it was the last lollipop in the shop.

"Oh no, doll. This is all perfectly good. I'll make sure to keep it clean," Harry answered with a smile and then swallowed the pretty prick.

"Oh, sweet Calvin Klein!" Draco shouted as his mind was overwhelmed with the sensations coming from down below.

When Draco's knees were pushed to his chest and Harry was 'lubing' himself, Draco had another concern. "Are you sure I look fashionable? I don't think we are doing it right and I am fairly sure my hair is mussed."

"Oh no, baby, you look hot!" And then Draco was distracted quite a bit by something that, surprisingly enough, was much more important than his hair.

Ten minutes later…

"Well, angel bum? How'd you like it?" A very satisfied Harry inquired as he pushed himself up onto his elbows. He grinned down at a shell-shocked blond.

"Did I do it right? Was I elegant and refined?" Draco asked, biting his lip in worry - and also to give a quick blush to his lips which was a handy Tip of the Month in last week's Gentlemen's Fashion Weekly.

"Completely," Harry stated, helpfully forgetting the screaming and crying the other man had done as he was entered for the first time. Harry's head still hurt from where the blond had grabbed his hair and yanked hard.

"Oh, good," Draco breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, I better be off," Harry said as he hoisted himself to his feet and looked around for his trousers.

"Off?" Draco sat up and brought a pillow that was the height of fashion up to his chest. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah, I left my mates a while ago. That reminds me." Harry retied his shoes and then looked around the tower. "Ah, there you are," he crowed triumphantly. He walked over to a pile of socks and picked up the Quaffle he had lost. "Well, I'll be seeing you!"

"Oh, of course," Draco mumbled. "At the cinema or the grocery store, perhaps? Or did you forget I'm stuck in a bloody tower!"

"Oh, right." Harry scrunched up his face. "Well, I could give you a lift somewhere…?"

"Oh, yes, just drop me at my parents, will you? They should get a good return of cabbage for me at this time of year!" Draco threw the pillow at the other young man, once again revealing his nude body, and Harry was reminded of the great shag he had just had.

"Well, I could come visit you, then," he offered with a smile. "We could practice on doing it the way the most fashionable of people are Doing It."

"Oh?" The blond looked hopeful at that. "Well, practice does make perfect, doesn't it? And I do pride myself on being perfect."

"A more fashionable and pretty bloke there never was," Harry crooned as he backed toward the window. "I'll just pop over at about the same time, shall I?"

"Yes, that will be acceptable," Draco agreed graciously and watched as Harry fell back out of the window dramatically and then rose up on his broom to give a wave and wink before flying off. Draco got up and began practicing his 'ecstasy' faces in the mirror.

…

For many days that soon carried into months, Harry would visit Draco in his tower and they would practice being 'fashionable'. Only on Saturdays and Tuesdays did Harry stay away for those were the days in which the vile and evil sorcerer would return to the tower -- there being nothing on the telly those nights.

On one of those Saturdays, the sorcerer came to the tower and brought with him a new collection of magazines that he thought would shut the blond boy up. Draco raced through the magazines as the sorcerer poked about for anything to do while on these mandatory visits.

"Sorcerer," Draco called out. "I am having a hard time finding anything that would be of use to me about a diet in these magazines."

"Why do you need a diet?" the sorcerer asked in amazement. "You are perfect as you are. I make sure that all the food I send to you here is perfectly balanced and well within your caloric intake adjusted for your low energy burn while in this twenty by twenty room."

"Yes, well, I am having a hard time fitting into my trousers these days and I thought I should lose a few pounds."

The sorcerer stormed over to the petulant blond and made him take his shirt off which caused no little amount of squawking and screeches of indignation. But the sorcerer wasn't evil and vile for nothing and successfully got the shirt off. And the young man's body was revealed to him...along with the quite noticeable bump in his belly.

"You dunce!" the sorcerer screamed. "You stupid blond twit! Who has been here? Who has been shagging you??"

"Shagging me? Do I look like a curiously en vogue retro carpet?" Draco asked with disdain.

The sorcerer threw about some throw pillows that were the exact 'in' shade and all the rage now. "You empty headed idiot! Who has slept with you? Who has had sex with you?" After receiving blank looks the sorcerer shouted, "Who's stuck his dick up your arse?!"

"Oh," Draco said. "Well, why didn't you say so? We were doing quite the 'in fashion' thing, you know."

Blood vessels were in danger of popping on the sorcerer's forehead. "You ignorant slut! Whoever he was, knocked you up!" The sorcerer threw more pillows. "You were supposed to be my virgin sacrifice to regain more of my power!"

"Knocked me up? Well, we did do a bit of role playing and we acted out this quite scintillating rape fantasy that is all the rage this summer--"

"Arghhh!" The sorcerer screamed. He grabbed Draco and dragged him to the window. "You have ruined all of my plans! You will now go and live out your life in pain and misery!"

Draco stared dumbfounded.

"Without your magazines!"

Draco gasped in horror and then screamed as he was tipped out of the window.

The next night Harry came flying up to the window. "Hey, sweet nipples, you wearing that hot little number I got you? You know Daddy likes you all dolled up for him!" he called through the window.

"Oh, yes. I am all dolled up for you!"

Harry frowned as he climbed into the tower. "What's the matter, baby? Your throat still not healed up from the last time we played 'swallow the sausage'?"

It was dark in the tower, which was odd because Draco never liked not being able to see himself in one of the mirrors.

"You bastard."

Harry swung towards the voice that was not even close to Draco's. There stood the sorcerer that he was supposed to have killed long ago. "Holy crap!"

"Exactly," the sorcerer said. "You stole my virgin sacrifice from me, punk! Now he is gone and you'll be following right after him!" The sorcerer pointed something at Harry and, fearing it to be a wand, Harry jumped out of the window. Unfortunately, it wasn't a wand, but a hanger. But it served its purpose and Harry fell to the ground. His glasses were under him and were completely crushed when he hit the dirt. Harry quickly stumbled to his feet and fled into the forest.

…

It was a sad time for the two lovers, for they were now separated and living lives of sorrow and wretchedness. Draco, unused to any life outside of a tower or fashion magazine, roamed the forest for many months until one day he found himself a small abandoned hut. It was there that he gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl. He was lonely and filled with unfashionableness and was most afraid that current trends were leaving him behind.

Harry also roamed the forest, but was impeded with blindness - or at least really fuzzy vision. He was also filled with sadness for the loss of his beloved Angel Bum and sorely missed his 'sure thing'. For many months he wandered the dark and blurry forest until he found a small boulder where he sat to rest. It was there that he heard a most welcome sound.

"Gia! That is not the way to wear a hemp-woven top! Off the shoulder, girl!"

Harry's eyes lit with warmth and a smile spread upon his lips as the waspish voice continued browbeating and complaining. He quickly clambered to his feet and made his way through the indistinct trees until they gave way to a hazy meadow and blob that Harry believed to be some sort of hovel. "Draco?" he called out and immediately the nagging ceased. A golden blur came closer and closer and finally stopped.

"Where the hell have you been?" Draco yelled and then ran towards him. Harry was encased in callused hands and kissed by chapped lips.

"What happened to you?" he asked in dismay. "Have you completely fallen apart then?"

"For your information, I have been reduced to living in a hut without any sort of décor guidance and had to give birth to your two children all by myself, which I am entirely sure is not ever the thing to do by people of high fashion."

"Kids?" Harry began to step backwards in an escape attempt until Draco pulled a small fuzzy thing from his unclear pocket.

"Here," he said, and placed a pair of glasses on Harry's face. Everything came back into sharp focus, including Draco's still beautiful face and hot body. "You left those with me just in case we got rowdy again and you lost a pair," Draco explained. "I had them with me when that scaly and badly dressed sorcerer chucked me out of the tower."

Harry considered the luscious body in front of him as well as the fact that his Blond Bombshell had just cured his vision and decided that being saddled with two kids couldn't be all that bad. As long as he got him some every night.

"Well, my doll, we are going to have to get you to a salon pretty quick, aren't we?" Harry said indulgently. Draco lit up and quickly grabbed Harry around the neck.

"Oh, Harry, I love you!"

"I know you do, baby."

And they lived happily, and in-trend, ever after.

The End.