Snipe Hunt

In the United States, if you are ever invited by Muggles to join in on a snipe hunt, you are most likely being invited to join in a prank where you are given a gunny sack and set out with an unlikely noise and told to call snipes into your bag. This occurs for two reasons, one, because Muggles in the United States are gullible enough to fall for such a prank, and two, in the early 1900s wizards Wilber and Ronald Stone were caught outside making unlikely calls for a magical creature known as a snipe that Muggles are unable to see. In order to keep from being arrested, the men played it off as a prank and the tradition was carried down.

In the United Kingdom, however, the excuse for Cygnus and Arcturus Black was much less inventive. They simply pointed over to some narrow billed waterfowl and said that those were snipes and had done with it.

A snipe, that is, a real snipe is indeed a bird, but is more closely associated with a Jobberknoll than an American woodcock. Although the twins were often looking for reasons to talk about woodcocks in general, comparing them to a snipe was sadly, the wrong time. The actual snipe was a small pink and purple bird whose call sounded unattractively like retching. Their down was harvested and included in potions that would induce vomiting and more specifically, were a key ingredient to the Skiving Snackboxes which the post-war world seemed to have a much greater need of than before.

This was why on this chilly April morning, the Weasley twins were out and about in the English countryside peering over hill and dale, hither and yon, over there and just there to your right, hunting snipes.

They began just before dawn, making the horrendous retching noises, holding their gunny sacks hopefully as the gazed over the horizon, hoping to spot a fluff of magenta breaking up the growing green of the horizon. Instead, what they saw at the peak of noon was a looming figure with nasty yellowing teeth and a curtain of black hair glaring nastily down at them.

"Why are you retching on my lawn?" Severus Snape asked. His hands were on his hips and he'd raised a brow in Slytherin salute.

"We're not retching, we are fake retching," said Fred as he stood tall, holding his sack up proudly.

"We're on a snipe hunt," said George. He slipped his arm around his brother's shoulder to show their solidarity.

"Looks like we caught a Snape on our snipe hunt, brother," said Fred.

"Silly vowels always changing themselves out. I do believe we should be having a word with them," said George.

"You can hardly have a word without a vowel!" Fred announced.

"Are you quite certain? I believe the Russians have worked out a way," said George.

"Or was it the Czechoslovakians?" asked Fred.

"Perhaps? I need to see a map. Or perhaps a dictionary," said George.

Snape looked between the twins warily. He'd pulled his wand, although he didn't appear so much afraid as simply annoyed but the exchange. "You're going to have to see an undertaker if you don't waddle back onto your own property with your twaddle."

"Waddle and twaddle!" exclaimed Fred as he advanced on Snape, grinning impishly.

"He's a poet!" exclaimed George as he followed.

"D'ya think he'd know it?" asked Fred.

"You'd have to ask him," said George as he snuck around behind Snape.

Appearing more than a little uncomfortable with the swarming twins, he wheeled around to head back to his home, which if the small stone hovel that was but a speck in the distance was, he had a long walk ahead of him. "I am not a poet, and I do not wish to be a part of your games. Get off of my property. I came here for peace after I was cleared. I do not wish to be harassed by the likes of you."

"Not a poet, he claims!" said Fred.

"So he wouldn't know what rhymes with Expelliarmus would he?" asked George as he swished and flicked his wand and cast the spell. He caught Snape's wand and pocketed it and then held up the gunny sack next to him. "I wonder what Snape plumage would bring us."

Snape grabbed the bag from him and threw it in his face, grumbling obscenities under his breath.

"Harry always did say he was a greasy old git. Perhaps we could bottle him!" said Fred as he came up on Snape's other side, stomping over the tallish grass.

"I am a Potions master, not a personal lubricant!" Snape exclaimed. When the twins started to giggle, he rolled his dark eyes and threw back his long, dark over robe dramatically to sweep off towards his home.

"We're sorry," said George as he double-timed it to run ahead of Snape. He pouted, pulling the corners of his lips down to accentuate his sorrow.

"Really, we are!" said Fred from behind him. Snape stopped suddenly when he felt arms around his waist and he looked over his shoulder at the grinning twin.

"And you're quite right. You are a Potions master and a Potions master we could use," said George as he closed in on the other side of Snape, grinning amiably even as he flicked the first button on his high-buttoned tunic.

Snape looked down at the open button, appearing quite snottily unsettled by the action. He moved to right it, but found that his arms were being held by Fred behind him. "If you think that you can bully me into helping you out, I've four graves to show you what I think of bullies."

George shook his head. "You didn't kill the Marauders any more than you murdered Dumbledore. Well, no, you did actually kill Dumbledore, but his portrait testified on your behalf. Told the whole world your dirty little good-guy-playing-bad secret."

Lifting his chin, even though the twins were both taller than he was, he managed to peer down his nose at them. "And what makes you think I'd be interested in any enterprise that you two hooligans had a part in?" asked Snape.

Fred kissed Snape's cheek. "We're brilliant and you know it. You can't help but respect it."

Closing in, George flicked another few of Snape's buttons open. "Harry showed us your little book. Half-blood Prince, indeed. Quite a little prank you played on the world. We happen to think that you, of all people, would appreciate us."

Their hands were soft and warm and they moved fast through his layers of defensive clothing. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had touched him at all, let alone in such deft, easy and clever ways. Snape opened his mouth to protest, but there simply wasn't time. He had denied himself human contact for the past few years, his own private penance for what he'd done. He'd agreed to do as Dumbledore asked, but never believed he'd actually had to. It had been the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, and all he'd done since the close of the war, when there was no longer that to clutter his mind, was how he deserved to be punished. He deserved to be alone.

But now he found himself in the prime of a spring day with two vibrant young men divesting him of his garments, asking him back to work with them in their business of pranks. They were right; he did respect a certain measure of cleverness. They had always been so unfocused in school, but now they had run their own business.

"Do you still make jokes about constipation?" he asked, looking down at George kneeling in front of him. His jaw dropped as he saw the man's head just in front of his cock. He was holding it straight out from his body, his freckled fingers caressing it tenderly. George's mouth was open, about ready to suck him when he paused.

"We've been known to. Do you need relief?" asked George grinning devilishly before enveloping Snape's cock deeply into his mouth.

Snape had barely had time to register the exquisiteness of the warmth around him when he felt his arse cheeks pulled apart. I forgot about the other one, he lamented until he felt that same balminess swirling around his hole, tickling as it narrowed in to focus against his opening.

Yelping, Snape rocked his hips forward, only to drive deeper into George's mouth. He was caught between them, their suckling mouths grabbing desperately for his cock and puckered opening, driving him mad with soft, luxuriant attentions to areas of his body so often forgotten in recent years.

George was fondling his balls. Or maybe it was George. One stroked the spot just behind them, rubbing through the skin to tease that sensitive spot between, the one that most didn't know about. All Snape could do was rock between them, even when Fred slid a slick finger inside of him, opening him as he lapped around the stretched skin. He slid in a second finger, widening him further as his tongue coaxed the nerves into relaxing to take it.

It didn't take long before Fred found the spot inside of him, pressing mercilessly against his prostate as George continued to suck him off, toying with his balls and stroking his fingers over the spot behind them. It overloaded Snape's senses and all he could do was groan and grab George's shoulders for balance. His body worked between the different pleasures, building one upon the other till his knees started to buckle.

Behind him, Fred had slid in a third finger and he felt the man rising to his feet. Snape was already bent over George, nails breaking the skin on his freckled shoulders as he fucked his mouth mercilessly.

Fred's cock split him open, pushing Snape over the edge after a few more erratic thrusts deep into George's mouth. The first pulse of his cock was deep inside of George, but Fred yanked him back and he slipped with a wet slurp from George's mouth and his cock spewed blindly over his chest and on George's cheek.

Laughing, George stood and wiped it off of his cheek and smeared it over his chest. "Your turn," he said to Snape as Fred released Snape's chest, letting him fall over into a bent position.

If it had occurred to Snape to object, he was far past any such ideas now. He felt dreamy and relaxed in his release, and more pliable than he'd remembered being... ever. He bared his teeth at George when the twin's prick was pressed to his lips, but then he drew his mouth open and wrapped his lips around his teeth and took it in.

He hadn't been used this wantonly before, but he found that he loved the smooth slide of cock in and out of his arse and deep down in his throat as he swallowed to relax his gag reflex. Their hands caressed his back and smoothed through his hair. They were somehow capable of a surprising amount of gentleness considering what they were doing. He never would have imagined that taking two cocks like this could be as pleasurable as it was, but they were bent over, kissing over his back and his sides, tracing their fingers over him, softly asking him to come and work with them.

Snape wasn't altogether convinced that they really needed him, he couldn't argue with their salesmanship. The only real flaw in the plan was that he was hardly in a position to answer them. But as they took him, their bodies trembling and flexing inside of him, owning him, filling him and seducing him, he couldn't help but think maybe he could be part of the world again. Maybe this was a sign. A very gaudy, dirty, naughty sign.

First Fred came, slicking his insides with his release. He kissed down Snape's spine and then flopped onto his knees behind him to lick his arse clean in slow, tender strokes. Then George came in his mouth and Snape swallowed it down dutifully, surprised at how quickly he took to this in spite of his lack of practice.

Exhausted, the three fell in a heap, a tangle of limbs, puffy lips and discarded clothing.

Evening found them still lounging in the grass, the sun that had warmed their skin as they lay napping was going down and the chill to the air. Snape sat up first. The twins smiled up at him in exactly the same way, which he found both annoying and charming in that way he found most things he loved best annoying and charming at the same time.

Their grins were a question and he shrugged his answer. "Very well. I will join your hoaxing endeavors on two conditions."

Fred and George exchanged glances and then looked back up at Snape and nodded at him.

"One, I will not be serving customers personally in any way," said Snape. After the twins nodded their agreement to that, he said, "And second, you will tell me why you were out here looking for snipes. There are no snipes in this part of England, you know. So what would move you to...?"

They looked at one another and grinned. "Snipes, Snapes-- what were we hunting again?"

Snape shook his head and sighed. Those boys really were far too clever for their own good. They definitely needed him to keep them out of real trouble.

--

Months later, the store sign was revised: Weasley's Wizard Wheezes with Snape's Sneaky Solutions.