I Hate My Family by S. Snape

Severus was in a bad mood. First, that interfering bastard, otherwise known as Albus Dumbledore, had invited his most hated cousin to stay at the castle for the next fortnight. Then, he found out that the smarter third of the 'golden trio' was assigned as his potions assistant. Now, he hadn't even found any bloody Gryffindors roaming the corridors in the middle of the night. Damn it! He knew he should have stayed on holiday, instead of returning after Christmas. He scowled, stalking back down to his dungeon suite, ready to drink a bit before heading to sleep and hopefully not dream. Passing the DADA room, he heard a muted sound.

Stopping, Severus leaned up against the door and listened carefully. There it was again. He grinned. If any of his students had seen him smiling like this, they'd have run in the other direction, directly to the Headmaster for a full Obliviate. It was not a happy grin, it was the grin of a predator ready to pounce. He pushed the door open quickly and cast a quick 'lumos' lighting the classroom to show...a copulating couple on the teacher's desk, the girl shreiking, as the male covered her quickly.

"Goddammit, Severus! Don't you ever fucking sleep?"

"Rupert? What are you do--nevermind. Why are you doing it in here? You have a very nice, comfortable suite near the Headmaster's quarters." Severus leaned back against the now closed door. Rupert covered his girlfriend's body with his cloak and pulled away from her, unashamed of standing before his cousin starkers.

"Buffy wanted me to show her around the school. We're suffering a bit from jetlag." Rupert smirked.

"Bloody Gryffindor, thinking you can just do whatever you want without repercussion."

"That would be Slytherin, Cous."

"No, our motto is to not get caught doing what we wish." Severus laughed and accio'd Rupert's pants and shirt. "Oh, damn, I forgot, you don't use a wand anymore do you? Ah, maybe you can find a nice suit of armor to wear when you leave." Severus swished out of the classroom and headed down the hallway, hearing Rupert's colorful invectives. He had to give his cousin credit: America had surely taught him a whole slew of new curses, and not the magical kind. He dropped his cousin's clothes down a flight of moving stairs and continued down to his offices.

He slowed as he neared the potions classroom. A student was sitting outside, legs drawn up, waiting. As he got closer, he noted the unruly curly brown hair and sighed. Would the night never end?

"Miss Granger, why are you out and about after curfew? Your status of Head Girl is the only thing keeping you from causing Gryffindor losing house points. Hmmm, maybe I still can," he mused aloud.

"I'm sorry for bothering you, sir. I was just really excited when Professor Dumbledore made me your assistant. I couldn't sleep and wondered if you had any assignments for me that I can start working on now." She smiled up at him. Severus forced himself not to gasp. He knew that Albus had an idea of how he truly felt about the little know it all, and now he wondered what the headmaster was playing at. The girl was a student still, untouchable, just thinking about her in a carnal sense was unthinkable to Severus' standards.

"Contrary to popular belief, I actually do sleep. Which is what I'm planning on doing once you leave and return to your quarters. You may begin your internship after the last class of the day, an hour before dinner tomorrow." He forced himself not to reach down and help the girl to her feet. Or to admonish her for sitting on the hard, cold dungeon floor.

"Alright, sir. It's just," She looked up into his eyes, a flash of... desire?... lighting her light brown eyes, "I've been so looking forward to working with you, sir. It's been a desire of mine for the last few months. I can't wait 'til this summer, only a month away when we can work together without the interference of meddling students." She swung her bag over her right shoulder and walked past him, brushing against his side, their hands touching barely. He resisted the urge to pull her close and...

'No, Severus! Student! Still a student, you dumbass!' He took a deep breath and turned to watch her walk down the hallway. Damn, it was going to be a long night, with a cold shower. Again. He stormed into his classroom, through his office and into his private quarters. He'd been plagued for weeks with images of the Head Girl doing exactly what she'd done tonight, but with him taking her into his arms and kissing her senseless, then undressing her on his desk, images of him leaving the Staff Table and striding up to her in the midst of a meal and claiming her as his. "I'm going mad. Bloody midlife crisis, like Rupert." He dropped into his favorite chair and hit the back of his head against the cushion a couple of times.

Nope, didn't knock some sense into him.

"It doesn't work, you know," the voice came from behind. Severus jumped up, aiming his wand immediately at the intruder. His lips curled in his normal sneer and he dropped his arm.

"That was quick. Miss Summer must enjoy her time in bed with you, especially since she gets so much sleep."

"You killed the mood. Aunt Minerva almost had a heart attack when I showed up starkers at her door, though. You should be nicer to her."

"You're the one who flashed her, not me. What do you want, Ripper?" He sneered his cousin's nickname. He reminded the americanized Watcher how he got the nickname, not from something cool during his Eyghon days with Ethan Rayne, but during his childhood when he'd split his pants while his mum visited her sister, Severus' mother. Rupert flushed, but moved foward and sat in the opposite chair.

"Just wondering how it's going with your new assistant," he said innocently.

"She starts tomorrow. I'm assuming you passed her on your way down here. And how did you get in here?"

"I did pass her, and Minerva told me. Quite happy to give me your password, actually. Especially since I told her you interrupted Buffy and myself." Rupert crossed his legs gracefully and took off his glasses, rubbing them cleam with a kerchief.

"So, you saw her. You can leave now."

"Oh, cousin, you forget I can see your thoughts, just as you can mine. Isn't it ironic? I finally found the love of my life in a woman twenty years my junior, and I come home to introduce her to my family to find my cousin in the same situation I was in a year ago."

"What the fuck are you rattling about?" Severus raged and was tempted to take his wand out again.

"You and Miss Granger. Don't be afraid to follow your heart."

"I have no heart, remember?" the Potions master snarled. Rupert just smiled at him, returning his glasses to his face. Severus rolled his eyes. He was reminded of James and Harry Potter with those damn glasses. Of course, James had been one of Rupert's friends at school.

"Of course, you do. And it's leading you to Hermione Granger. She feels the same way. I can see it whenever she looks at you when no one else is noticing."

"She--she acted differently tonight." Severus swallowed. He'd never before felt anything for a student and he didn't want to start a trend.

"She's meant for you, Severus. Don't push her away with your bastard-like attitude and snarkiness."

"How do you know I"m going to pursue her?"

Rupert grinned and laughed heartily. "She's going to pursue you, Professor Snape. I can tell you that. Buffy chased me around. I'm glad I let her catch me."

"Not hard. She's the Slayer and you're old." Severus smirked when his cousin lost his grin. He looked up at his still standing cousin, all serious again. "Severus, I'm glad you stood on the side of good, with Albus. I knew you weren't completely dark. Now it's time to live, find a woman, get married and have a life. And Miss Granger wants to be that woman."

"I... would be amenable to such a future. But I don't want to have a relationship with a student."

"It's only a few weeks. I'm sure you can keep your hands to yourself until her graduation."

"If she can keep her hands to herself!" Severus said out loud, then actually blushed. He hadn't meant to say it in front of his cousin.

Rupert stared at his cousin in disbelief then burst into laughter. "You've got it good. I'm thinking of moving back to England and taking the DADA position."

"Really, you should return to America with your... girlfriend." Severus paled even more, thinking about having his cousin around all the time. He could just imagine what Rupert would tell his students about him, which would cause them to question his authority. Not to mention he just didn't want the prat about.

"I think I'll take it. Buffy wants a change of scenery since the Hellmouth's closed and she's no longer the only Slayer." Rupert stood and walked past his cousin back to the entrance to his quarters. His purpose was achieved. He'd flustered Severus enough to get him to respond to the girl when she came on to him again. Severus watched his cousin leave, then dropped down into his favorite chair and pounded the back of his head against the cushion over and over again. He really wished his mother had been an only child.


a/n~~ one shot. I've always loved Alan Rickman and Anthony Stewart Head and had to put them in one fic together....at least once. Any help on a better title? I'll give you my now exhusband in exchange lol (kidding, i'd rather see him dropped in the hogwarts lake and eaten by the squid.)

marti