My Fair Witch

Disclaimer: I do not own either Miss Doolittle/Hermione Granger or Henry Higgins/Severus Snape. George Bernard Shaw owns Miss Doolittle and Henry Higgins, and you know who owns the other two.

A/N A little background here: Professor Henry Higgins is an irascible middle aged Professor who disregards everyone despite their station. Sounds like a certain Severus Snape to me... also, Eliza Doolittle is a common flower girl, with brown hair and eyes... she's also young enough to be the Professor's daughter - so really I couldn't resist.

But then I am sure I am not the only one who love My Fair Lady.

This will be a story with several own characters... but NONE of them go out with either Snape or Hermione... not if I can help it.

Auditions

Hermione walked into her local theatre group with anticipation. Today was the day that she would audition for her dream role. Miss Eliza Doolittle. She loved the role ever since she was a young girl. She used to sit and watch and re watch My Fair Lady all the time when she was a child. It was her favourite film. The main reason was the fact that the Professor and the Commoner fell in love in the end.

She walked into the auditorium and slung her bag on the floor. She opened the front compartment and brought out a brush and brushed her hair and took a scrunchie off her wrist and wrapped it around her gathered up hair. She was wearing her rough clothes. She took her earpieces away from her ears and switched off her stereo. She sighed. She then observed the others.

“Hey,” Pamela greeted. She was an ex teacher of Hermione’s.

“Hi, Miss!” Hermione said.

Pamela rolled her eyes. “How many times do I have to say this, Hermione, call me Pam.”

“Okay, Pam,” Hermione said. “It’s just that every time I see you I think of the ten times table.”

Pamela laughed and rubbed Hermione’s arm. “Hey, have you met the new man in our group?”

Hermione furrowed her brow. “What new man?” Pamela sighed. Hermione thought she saw some drool come out of the side of her ex teacher’s lips. Whoever this new man was he must have been gorgeous. “Wow,” Hermione said. “Who is he?”

Pamela sighed and sat down on a chair. She put her feet up on the back of the chair.

“Well, he’s gorgeous. Did you ever watch Hammer Horrors?”

Hermione laughed. “My mum and dad had strict views about the sort of things I watched as a kid. So, of course I sneaked a peek!”

“So, you know what I mean when I say Christopher Lee’s secret son?”

Hermione giggled. “Oh, he sounds dreamy.”

“Eyes off, Granger, he looks old enough to be your father. Besides I saw him first.”

“OKAY,” a voice yelled. It was Greg, the director. Both Pamela and Hermione rolled their eyes. “Gather round everybody. We have a lot to go through before we start the auditions.”

The group grumbled. Hermione smirked cheekily at Pamela and they both rolled their eyes as Pamela swung her legs off the back of the seat and Hermione turned to the older woman.

“He’s worse than a teacher I had at school, and talk about strict!”

“I hope that’s not me you’re alluding to there,” Pamela said.

“Of course not,” Hermione laughed silently.

“Okay,” Greg sighed. “Let’s start the proceedings. First, I want to introduce you to a new member of our group.”

“You’ll see him now, Hermione.”

Hermione wanted to the suspense to last. She smiled at the thought of a man looking like Christopher Lee in her group.

“Everyone,” Greg said. “Meet Steven. Steven Snape.”

Hermione felt her heart jolt. Snape was a common surname in various parts of England. So, it could not be him could it? A man stepped out of the shadows. A man with lanky shoulder length black hair, pale skin; and hooked nose. The man was wearing tight black jeans and a black shirt with three of the top buttons undone and a leather jacket. Hermione looked at his feet, he was wearing leather BOOTS? She looked up and stared into the black ice like eyes of one Severus Snape.

“See,” Pamela whispered in her ear. “Isn’t he gorgeous.”

Hermione gulped and nodded. He was gorgeous! Why the hell didn’t she notice this before?

“Steve,” Greg said, “go sit. There’s a seat next to Hermione. She’s the sexy brunette.”

Hermione narrowed her eyes at Greg. Greg had been trying to hit on her for the best part of her late teens and early twenties. Hermione was now twenty-three. Severus (Steven) Snape walked up to the empty seat and nodded at Hermione. Hermione blushed and sank in her seat. She nodded. He sat down.

“Welcome,” Pamela said eagerly thrusting her hand over Hermione’s chest. Steven took the woman’s hand in his and shook her hand quickly. Hermione decided to just ignore him. She kept her gaze on Greg.

“Now, I think you can all agree that the role of Eliza Doolittle is between Hermione Granger and Jemima King.” Hermione looked at Jemima and smiled at her rival. Jemima smiled back. The girls shook their heads. If Greg was expecting a catfight then he would be sorely disappointed. The two girls were friends as young children and were still friends now. “Jemima, you first with Adam, and then Steven. As I think the role should go to either of them. The ages work out right.”

“So, what do the rest of us do?” Pamela asked.

“Just wait. It’s only those four that really needs to audition. The rest I think should be easy.”

Pamela looked Hermione and then at Steven. “Hey, good luck.”

“Thanks, Pam!” Hermione exclaimed.

“NOW!” Greg shouted. “Adam, Jemima, Hermione and Steven, outside my office NOW!”

Hermione was about to get up off the seat but Steven offered his hand to her. Hermione accepted it shyly. He offered her a small smile and Hermione blinked. Did Snape just SMILE? And what the hell was he doing here? Jemima and Adam were just a few steps in front of them. Hermione couldn’t ask the questions that were playing over and over in her brain.

“RIGHT!” Greg exclaimed. “First couple, Jemima and Adam.”

Jemima walked in the office followed by Adam. Hermione could see that Jemima was quivering a little. Everyone knew she had a slight crush on Adam. But Adam didn’t know. Once Greg’s door was closed Hermione sat down on a chair. Her legs outstretched.

“I suppose you’re wondering what I’m doing here?” he asked.

“I was going to ask, sir, but I didn’t think that…”

“Steven,” he said. “My name’s Steven. Just remember that!”

“Why the pseudonym?” Hermione asked.

He sighed. “Well, what do you want to know? The truth or what I can tell you?”

“The truth please?” Hermione asked.

“Steven!” Greg exclaimed as Adam walked out of the door. Adam gave the new man a reassuring squeeze, and Steven walked into the office.

“So, tough is he?” Hermione asked Adam.

“I’ll say,” Adam replied. “Look, just give him a winsome smile. Jemima’s a good actress but you look the part.”

“Thanks, Adam, but Jemima and I aren’t going to pull each other’s hair out over the part. I’d be happy for her if she got the part.”

“Just the spirit, Hermione, spoken like a true English girl.”

Jemima walked out of the room and she nodded at Hermione. “Your turn, and good luck!”

“Thanks,” Hermione said.

“Oh by the way,” Jemima said, “that new guy is H O T!”

Hermione tried not to snigger, it seemed she might have to fight to protect Snape from the feminine wiles of the group. Turning up in a leather jacket and boots didn’t help the situation either.

“HERMIONE!” Greg yelled. Hermione sighed. She walked into the office and ‘Steven’ got out of the chair that he was lounging in. “Right, I want the two of you to say this part of the script.”

Hermione scanned her eyes down the part of the script and smiled. It was the beginning when they first met.

“You see this creature with her curb-stone English; the English that will keep her in the gutter to the end of her days? Well, sir, in six months I could pass her off as a duchess at an Embassy Ball. I could even get her a place as a lady’s maid or a shop assistant, which requires better English.”

“Ere, what’s that you say?” Hermione read in perfect cockney.
‘Steven’ turned towards her. “Yes, you squashed cabbage leaf, you disgrace to the noble architecture of these columns, you incarnate insult to the English language; I could pass you off as the Queen of Sheba.”

Greg looked from one to the other and smiled. There was magic between these two people. Hermione all of a sudden was transported back to Potions when he used to insult her. He leered at her and arched an eyebrow.

“Perfect!” Greg exclaimed. “Absolutely perfect. I don’t need to see anymore. The chemistry between the two of you is perfect. It’s almost like you, Steven, are the unwilling Professor with the willing student.”

Hermione groaned. Little did Greg know how true that was, Steven turned to Greg and nodded.

“I do need to see Adam, but the two of you are perfect.”

~*~*~

Hermione sat down in the auditorium. She looked at the group and smiled at them all. Jemima came to sit next to her.

“So, how are you?” Jemima asked.

“Well, am I going to be Eliza, I’m not sure.”

“I screwed up, I did it too posh. I’d be lucky if I get to be in the Chorus.”

“Oh, come on, Jem, it can’t have been that bad!”

“Wanna bet?”

Pamela joined them and sat the other side of Hermione. She winked at them both.

“So, how did it go?”

“OKAY,” Greg said. “We have our main stars sorted out. I want Hermione Granger and Steven Snape to step forward. Everyone, here is Miss Eliza Doolittle and Professor Henry Higgins.” The group smiled. They all knew Hermione would get the part. As for the new boy, well, it was beginners luck. “I want the lot of you to study the scripts and audition for all the other parts in the play. Adam, Jemima, you two are the understudies in case these two can’t do it for one reason or the other. You’re all dismissed.”

Hermione got up and picked up her bag. She was just about to put in the earpieces of her stereo when ‘Steven’ walked up to her.

“Do you want a drink?” he asked her.

Hermione blinked. “Ah, yes, sure.”

She hoiked her bag up her shoulder and walked out of the theatre. ‘Steven’ was behind her.

“The Leaky Cauldron, do you mind that?”

Hermione nodded. She hadn’t stepped into the Leaky Cauldron for a while now. Hermione walked towards an Alley. So did ‘Steven’; he soon caught up with her. They both apparated to the Wizard pub, and soon found themselves sitting inside the pub.

“Whiskey on the rocks,” Hermione said. He nodded. Tom gave Snape a pint of beer and the Whiskey and walked up to their table.

“So, you want the truth,” he said.

“Yes please,” Hermione said, as she took a sip of her drink.

“I can’t tell you the truth, but what I can tell you is that I most sincerely won’t enjoy it.”

She sniggered. “Oh well, never mind. I suppose playing my Professor would be easy considering you were my Professor at one time.”

“Hmm, all we need is Albus Dumbledore to be Colonel Pickering, and McGonagall to play the part of my mother and we’re all set.”

She laughed. “So, you want to know why I’m doing this?”

“No idea,” he said.

“Well, acting was a career I was going to go into if it hadn’t have been for Hogwarts. So, I’m just fulfilling my original dreams.”

He smiled. “You had great potential. The way you tricked the old toad Umbridge was a superb piece of acting.”

Hermione blushed. “I didn’t think you thought so at the time, Steven.”

“Severus, here.”
“So, come on, why the pseudonym?” Hermione asked.

“It was a name I was forced to live with because my Muggle father didn’t like the name Severus. The only reason why my mother could name me Severus was because he was afraid she was going to curse him if she didn’t get her own way.”

Hermione snorted into her drink. “Sorry, there was nothing funny about that. So, um, looks like we’ll be spending a lot of time together.”

“I suppose you know Professor Henry Higgins ends up with Eliza Doolittle, don’t you?” Severus asked darkly.

“Yes, that’s why I love it so much. It’s a love story without it being too sappy. It’s also a love story that breaks my two favourite barriers, class and age. “

“You’ve given this a lot of thought,” he said raising the pint glass to his lips.

“I should have; I’ve got the script practically memorised because of my sad, lonely existence as a child.”

Hermione looked at her former Professor and smiled. She was glad that Harry had been wrong about him all along; it was somehow quite satisfying to say ‘I told you so,’ in front of Harry’s red face.

“I just thought of a good Freddy,” Hermione said.

“If you’re going to mention Harry James Potter, then I would have to say that it pains me to agree with you!”

She smiled. She then looked at her watch. “Damn! I got to go. I got a date tonight.”

Severus scowled. “See you tomorrow then, Miss Granger.”

Hermione frowned. She thought they were getting along. “See you tomorrow, sir,” she said stiffly.

~*~*~

What was that? Hermione asked herself when she got to her flat. Crookshanks junior was wrapping himself around his mistress legs. He was the surprise product of Mrs Norris and Crookshanks senior. Argus Filch wasn’t too happy when he found out. He was livid in fact demanding her to be suspended; Minerva wouldn’t hear of it. She shook her head, as her thoughts went back to Snape. He smiled and talked to her like she was a proper human being until she mentioned she had a date, and then he turned cold on her.

~*~*~

Severus threw back the rest of his beer and checked his watch. She had a date. Damn to the depths whomever it was that was dating her. He decided to keep close tabs on her. He was using his spying technique to his advantage and traced her to a flat in Notting Hill.

A young blonde man was standing outside the door. Hermione ventured out wearing a beautiful summery dress; strappy sandals holding a bag. She was a Goddess. The man turned around and Snape scowled at the smug expression on the face of none other than Draco Malfoy!

Bloody damnation! Snape exclaimed. What was Draco Malfoy doing all of a sudden dating his childhood enemy? More to the point what the hell did he care all of a sudden that she was dating her childhood enemy? He stormed away in a huff.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

A/N Yep, this is going to be a parody and comedy. I've had this little plot bunny for YEARS!