Slave

Slave

/Lived too long, now you've come to take me to
To place where I can't die./

I don’t know how I keep surviving these nights.

Tonight we did a raid at a muggle politicians’ house.
So much screaming, and oh the blood, I can feel it still dripping from my dirty soul.
The little girl kicked and cried for her mother, as Avery and Nott ripped off her clothing and raped her violently.

Blood, more blood.

I attempted to block it out, tried to clear my mind of her pleas. They are now deeply etched into my brain. The mother sobbing as she was forced to watch.
Then the Cruciatus curse. I don’t know for how long the girl was under it, but I heard bones starting to crack in that little body of hers.
Finally Lucius put a end to it all.
Must remember The Dark Lord’s orders. Must bring the husband to The Dark Lord, leaving no time to play around with the other muggle-filth.
Bella’s hearty laugh as she unceremoniously cast the killing curse on the twitching girl and then on the hysterical mother, is still ringing in my ears.
As soon as I saw Lucius apparate to The Dark Lord’s side, I thought it safe to leave.

I’m going to have a shower. Must get the blood off.

Before stepping into the tub, I make three long cuts on my left forearm. One for each of the people who died. The sting enables me to focus, and I step into my bathtub. The water is too hot and too cold and I am trembling. I look at my razorblade longingly; I know I can’t do it. I don’t deserve an easy death. I wish I could cry, but I can’t cry anymore. I wish I could feel something instead of hopelessness. The only thing, keeping me from a getting into, and staying in an apathetic state, is my guilt. Whenever I feel hopelessness I think of the guilt and it consumes me like nothing else can consume me. It hurts to think of it, my stomach feels like it is trying to take up permanent residence in my already tight throat. I don’t know what to do. So I usually cut myself.

Bittersweet release.





/Lost my soul, lost my confidence in me.
Can't be something, but I'll try./

I fucking hate Potter and Black and the rest of their no-good team. I’m leaving Transfiguration now. Hope I can avoid them during the lunch break.

“All 3rd years are to spend the lunch break outside today. You will find that we have arranged for sandwiches to be brought to each student. Enjoy the good weather,” sounds McGonagall’s magically magnified voice through the castle.

Great, that means I can’t just sit at the Slytherin table and hide.

“Snivellus! Hey Snivvy! Come have lunch with us! We can use some of your hair if we need more butter on our bread,” Sirius Black yelled, grabbing my one arm. Potter grabs the other, while Pettigrew steals my wand from my pocket.

“Does it turn you on, when Peter grabs at you like that? You like it, don’t you. Probably as close as you’ll ever come to having sex!” Black says, smearing his sandwich all over my hair and face. Potter kicks me to the ground and Black spits in my face.

“Leave me alone Black, or you’ll regret it. One day I will come back for you. And nothing will be able to save you then.” I snarl at him.

“And you Potter; you just wait,” I say getting up from the floor, nearly falling over my own feet twice.

/Lived too long and waited to just drown.
In my self pity, I keep falling down./

Lucius is the nicest person I’ve ever met. He graduated a while ago, but has kept in touch with some of the Slyths. I’ve just graduated, and now I live with him. He makes everything better when I am sad, promises better times ahead. I can’t believe how nice he is. No, really. I can’t. He is too nice. Teaching me so many things, calling me a great wizard; he must want payment some day – he is a Slyth like me after all.
We are going to meet with one of his friends tonight. Lucius says he’s the best wizard ever.

/Want to be your soldier
Want to be your slave
I have no pride in myself/

Lord Voldemort. The name that I will never speak out loud. I kneel before him, stretching out my arm.

This is my chance to prove myself; to get back at those who have wronged me. This is my sole purpose in life.
I feel myself swell with pride as The Dark Lord points his wand to my forearm. The spell is long, and in an ancient language that I do not understand. My skin tingles. It burns. The burn gradually increases; it becomes unbearable. I must not scream, I have to bite my tongue to contain myself. I can taste blood, and all I feel is white-hot searing pain shooting from the darkening spot on my arm.
Then the pain stops, and I hear The Dark Lord speaking to me.

“Get up, Severus”

I get up, my legs are weak and my arm is numb, as if paralyzed.

“You will be a faithful servant.” It is not a question, not even a statement. It is an order, and I understand the consequences should I decide to disobey.

I kneel before my Lord.

/Only book that I own is called "How to Lose".
Pick a chapter, I know them all, just choose./

It’s her 16th birthday today. I can see her, sitting by the lake, surrounded by her friends and admirers. She laughs and throws back her head, and a strand of her coppery hair reflects the sunlight, making her look absolutely divine. That idiot Potter is staring at her like a cat would stare at its prey. He disgusts me, he is unworthy. No one should look at her like that.
She gets up, running in my direction.

“I forgot the present my parents sent me. I’ll be right back!” she calls over her shoulder to her friends.

She hasn’t seen me, and nearly slams into me.

“Lily…” I say.

She stops, eying me suspiciously.

“Severus,” she replies.

My mouth is dry. Her green eyes are sparkling and they look stunning when you stand this close to her. Her lips are red, and slightly moist. Before I even know what I am doing, I grab her shoulders and crush my lips to hers. Her lips are warm. It has not even been a second, and she shoves me away. Her eyes are narrowed.

“What are you doing?!”

“I…”

“I’m with James. You…you have no right to do that. Please, please just stay away from me, OK?”

The humiliation is absolute. How could I think…???

No matter.

Filthy mudblood.


/Lived too long and waited to find A place where I can die/

I can’t do this anymore. I have been serving him for nearly two years now. I have done things I cannot even think about.

Now I teach children, on his orders.

I hate myself. Now more than ever before.

I don’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve to breathe.

I am lying in my bathtub at Hogwarts. I can’t feel the water.

I slit my wrists a few minutes ago. I can’t even feel my life ebbing away. I have thought of this situation so many times - it almost feels anti-climatic now that it is finally happening. There are no tears. No wild feelings or any will to stop it. I don’t feel calm either. I feel nothing.

I feel myself slipping away, and I feel nothing. Maybe a tiny bit of relief, but I don’t deserve relief.

As the world turns black, I hear a voice and my door being blown to pieces.


/Lost my soul lost my confidence in me
Give me something but I'll try/

I am in the hospital wing. I can feel the heavy bandages around my wrists. As I open my eyes I see the headmaster sitting next to my bed. He is watching me calmly, his eyes only showing the slightest bit of tragic sadness.

“I can help you, Severus,” he says looking into my eyes. I look back at my hands.

“No one can help me now. You don’t know what I have done…what I have to keep doing.”

His face is more serious than ever as he replies: “I think I have a pretty good idea. And I am willing to give you a second chance.”


/Want to be your soldier
Want to be your slave
Have no pride in my self
That's how I behave/

I am still in the bathtub, and the water is so cold now. I can’t make myself get up anymore. The three cuts have stopped bleeding.

I have to get up and report to Albus.

I force myself to get up, get dressed. I tell Albus of tonight’s events in a monotonous voice. I can’t think about it.

But I have a new purpose.

I have a new master to serve. I like to believe I can actually make a difference as I do this.

Albus is really a magnificent wizard, and I serve him as I have always served my masters. With complete devotion, and disregard for my own feelings and safety.

Because that is how I behave.