Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: cocoa-snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR...she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
Summary: This story ignores HBP-canon. With Harry’s occlumency lessons set to resume, he is required to reveal an embarrassing memory to Snape to ‘atone’ his indiscretions with Snape’s pensieve memories. Faced with that and his growing confusion over his feelings for his once hated Potions professor, he believes his life can’t get any more complicated. But how wrong he is! This story starts out focusing exclusively on Harry, but really is a Snape-centered fic. Enjoy.
Warnings: This story contains Slash content - don’t read if this offends you (pairing = Harry and Snape). It will also eventually become very angsty, with references to (but non-graphic) violence, non-con rape and torture. I will post specific warnings for each chapter so that there is no confusion. Please don’t flame...you’ve been warned.
Warnings for Chpt 1: mild het, mild pre-slash


Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 1: More than a bad day


Harry Potter was not having a good day. This in of itself was not unusual. Given the day-to-day challenges he faced as the appointed ‘Savior-of-the-Wizarding-World,’ Harry had a greater share of bad days than most young wizards at Hogwarts. But today was unusual, because it should have been an excellent day. It was a beautiful June afternoon and there were only 3 weeks of classes left. And as a Sixth year student, Harry was exempt from final exams - a break of sorts from the intense fifth year OWLs and the life-defining seventh year NEWTs. The lack of exams might depress his close friend Hermione, but it was certainly not the reason for Harry’s unhappy mood. Harry stood outside in the stone courtyard, waiting for someone. For a fleeting instant, he hoped they wouldn’t come. Maybe she’s forgotten, he thought hopefully.

“Harry, oh Harry!” he heard in the distance. Harry winced, his unrealistic hopes dashed. He turned around and met the eyes of his girlfriend, Cho Chang.

“I’m finished with classes for today. What about you?”

“Yeah I’m done.”

“Oh let’s spend the whole rest of the day together then!” she exclaimed.

“Okay,” he replied.

What am I doing? Harry thought. Harry had started dating Cho three months earlier, when she approached him and confidently asserted that she was over Cedric Diggory and wanted to move on with Harry. He had said yes immediately. After all, he’d been waiting for Cho for more than two years now. But lately, he was finding that with each passing day, he was enjoying the time the spent together less and less.

Cho leaned forward and kissed Harry. To the casual observer it might have been described as a relatively chaste kiss, but since the observer happened to be Professor McGonagall, this fact did not matter.

“Mr. Potter and Miss Chang. I would encourage you both to be more discreet with your affections.”

“Yes Professor,” they both said at once.

“Let’s go someplace private Harry,” Cho suggested.

After a few minutes, Harry found himself outside the Room of Requirement. When he stepped in after Cho, he was more than a little surprised about what he saw. The room was lit with candles and soft music played in the background. In the middle of the room, Harry was surprised to find a full size bed, decorated with flower petals.

“What?” he began to ask.

“Harry. I’ve made a decision. I know we’ve only been dating for 3 months, but I want to show you that I’m over Cedric. I’ve decided I’m ready and I want to be with you.”

At first Harry didn’t understand what she was saying. We are together, he thought. But then slow comprehension dawned on him. Oh my God, she can’t be serious - and I can’t believe she’s mentioning Cedric at a time like this!

But before he knew it, Cho had pulled him down on the bed and began undressing him. As she began to pull off her clothes, Harry began to panic. It’s not like he’d never seen her without her shirt - it seemed to Harry that making out was Cho’s favorite activity. He didn’t mind, too much. But as she slipped below the sheets, he began to feel sick. He wanted to run away. What’s wrong with me? Harry thought. What 16 year old guy would not want this? Me. I can’t ever be normal, can I?

“Cho, maybe we’re moving a bit too fast,” Harry offered.

“You’re so sweet Harry, but I’m sure, really I am.”

Harry decided perhaps honesty was the best way to go here.

“No. I mean....this is too fast for me. I don’t think I want this.” Maybe that was a bit too honest Harry.

“What do you mean you don’t want this?” she asked angrily. “Because my friends are telling me that a ton of other boys are interested in me you know.”

“Well then maybe you should go out with them,” he shot back.

Cho re-clothed herself with a quick spell and shouted back: “Maybe I will, Harry. Goodbye.” And with that, she walked out.

Maybe today’s not such a bad day after all, thought Harry.

-----

That evening Hermione, who seemed to have heard about the breakup only a few minutes after it had happened, tried to console Harry. He tried in vain to convince her that he was fine. Ron, on the other hand, was elated.

“About time you broke it off Harry. She was suffocating you. Always wanting to meet after class.”

“Yeah Ron. But technically she broke it off.”

“What happened?” they asked.

“Usual arguments and stuff,” Harry lied. Even though Ron didn’t particularly like Cho, Harry felt sure Ron would think he was crazy that Harry had has the chance to have sex and turned it down!

-----

Two days later, Harry was exiting the Great Hall after lunch, where he was stopped by Parvati Patil.

“Harry can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure,” he said.

She pushed him behind one of the many stone statues, which he found odd.

“I heard you’re not dating Cho anymore. Is that true?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I thought maybe we could go out you know - maybe to Hogsmeade this weekend.” Harry knew from experience that Parvati wasn’t really interested in him. He had asked her to the Yule Ball in their fourth year only because he didn’t have another date and she relished the opportunity to spread the word that she was the Boy-Who-Lived’s date for the Yule Ball.

“I don’t think....” Harry started.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” she said. And without warning, she leaned forward and kissed him. Harry was about to push her away, but his curiosity overtook him. He never seemed as breathless as Cho was after their kisses, and now he wondered if this had nothing to do with him, but perhaps Cho. Maybe a different girl? he mused. But as he began to realize that the sensation was not very different than it had been with Cho, his thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Mr. Potter and Miss Patil. Whatever you may believe, this statue is not hear to aid and abet your activities,” Snape sneered. “Now both of you, get to class.”

Harry whispered a quick “I really don’t want to date anyone now” to Parvati, who looked only mildly annoyed.

As Snape began walking away, Harry heard him say clearly “And Potter, 20 points from Gryffindor for interrupting my thoughts.” Harry didn’t even look back, and made his way to the library for his free block.

Meanwhile, as Snape was making his way back into the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall stopped him. “Severus, more points from Gryffindor? What did they do this time?” she asked slightly annoyed.

“It’s Potter. He was busy snogging instead of going to class.”

“Ah yes. He and Miss Chang are really quite involved. I caught them just two days ago,” she commented.

Snape’s eyes widened. “It seems Mr. Potter is very busy indeed. I caught him with Miss Patil.”

“Oh my!” exclaimed Professor McGonagall, looking a bit scandalized.

“If you don’t mind Minerva, I have already wasted my enough of my time on these purile adolescents.” And with that, he walked away.

-----

As Harry walked away, he wondered if his face was as flushed as it felt. It was bad enough being seen snogging by McGonagall, but it was far worse being caught by Snape - his once hated Potions professor.

Harry couldn’t pinpoint an exact moment he’d stopped hating Snape, but oddly enough the slow proces seemed to have begun after his Godfather’s death. Last summer, while in Grimmauld place, Harry had overheard a conversation between Lupin and Tonks (using Fred and George’s extendable ears, of course) that gave Harry pause. Tonks asked about Snape’s strange absence from Order meetings of late. Lupin explained that Snape was in very bad shape following his debriefing with Voldemort after the incident at the Ministry.

“Apparently Snape tried to explain his reasons for mobilizing the Order that night to Voldemort. He told him that Dumbledore would have suspected if he had not said anything and he didn’t want to comprimise his role as a spy. Well Voldemort might have bought that explanation, but not before he tortured Snape to make certain he was telling the truth.” Tonks gasped. “He’s been in the hospital ward for a couple of weeks now. Apparently he was under the Cruciatus for over two minutes.” That was longer than the Longbottoms, Harry thought. “But he’s going to be okay - I’m not sure how to be honest...he’s obviously had to develop some sort of immunity to it or he’d be a vegetable by now.”

Harry had never really thought much about the risks Snape took in his spying for the Order. Hearing about the punishment Voldemort had inflicted on him for notifying the Order about his own impulsive behavior in going to the Ministry that night was a difficult blow, indeed. Harry never looked at Snape the same way again. And over time Harry came to realize that he had developed a newfound, dare he say it, respect for what Snape did for the Order. And for the countless times he had saved Harry’s own life.

As the year wore on, Harry found himself dwelling on his Potions professor, and oftentimes watching him in class. There was something about Snape - something about the way Harry felt when he watched him that unnerved him somehow. And until very recently, he didn’t have any idea what that thing was. But being caught by Snape just then, hearing his voice chastise him - it was...so irritating, so disturbing, so complicated, and so nice! Harry wondered briefly if he was crazy thinking that he might be feeling an attraction for his Potions professor. I must be crazy. It’s Snape.

It explained a lot, however. Recently in class when Harry would get caught looking at him, and Snape would stare back at him, Harry would get all hot and flushed. He had chalked it up to anxiety, stress, lack of sleep - anything except attraction to that nasty git. Respect was one thing, but this was just ridiculous and not possible. Not to mention the fact that he couldn’t possibly fancy men - that was just wrong. Harry decided the solution to this problem was to play more Quidditch. Yes, that was the solution to everything.

-----

Two days later at dinner, Harry’s conversation with Ron and Hermione was interrupted by Annaleise. She was a 7th year Gryffindor and two year team member of the Quidditch team. Harry liked her a lot, she was easy to talk to, she didn’t mind getting dirty like almost all the other girls Harry knew, and most importantly she lived for Quidditch.

“Hi Harry,” she said sitting down next to him. “Ron, Hermione,” she acknowledged.

“Hi Annaleise. Practice tomorrow.”

“Right of course. Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a really big favor Harry.”

“Sure.”

“Hogsmeade weekend is coming up and I don’t have a date.”

Oh Merlin no, thought Harry.

“The thing is, I really want to go with Frederick of Ravenclaw. The thing is he’s a bit shy and I was hoping you could help me get him to ask me.” Harry was so relieved she wasn’t asking him, he breathed a sigh of relief and nodded.

“He’s looking at you right now, in fact,” Hermione offered.

“I know, my friends all tell me he’s interested. They told me the best way is to push him into asking by making him jealous. And the thing is all the girls talk about you and how eligible you are and everything and I was hoping Harry if you wouldn’t mind, if you could kiss me so that he sees.”

“I don’t know--” he started. But soon, Hermione was insisting he do it, certain the plan would work and mumbling something about how hard it was to get guys to make the first move while glancing at Ron.

“Okay fine I’ll do it,” Harry offered. Annaleise was after all a good friend. Harry added: “But if you start dating him, you better not slack off in Quidditch.”

Annaleise looked horrified: “Harry I’d dump him before I’d let that happen” she said seriously, and Harry added another reason for liking Annaleise to his mental list. “Okay, whenever you’re ready,” she added.

“What now?” Harry asked shocked. “In front of all these people?”

“Well that is the point isn’t it Harry,” Hermione said.

“Yes now Harry. And you have to make the move. I don’t want him thinking I’m too interested, just possibly receptive you know. I’ll get up to walk away and you’ll grab my arm, spin me around and kiss me. Okay?” Annaleise said.

“Okay.” Harry said.

“Oh and make it really passionate Harry - like you’ve been pining for me.”

“What?” Harry asked. This was becoming a nightmare.

Annaleise’s eyes pleaded with him and he nodded.

She turned to get up. As she asked, Harry stood up, grabbed her arm and pulled her forcefully to him. Their lips met and he was attempting the most passionate kiss he could give without actually using any tongue. He placed his arm around her waist, figuring that might intensify the perceived passion of the kiss. Her lips were warm, but once again there were no ‘butterflies’ like he had heard others talking about. But Harry was strangely comforted by the fact that he sensed that Annaleise wasn’t feeling anything either. Maybe it just has to be the right girl, Harry felt relieved by this new revelation. He waited until she pulled away, and Annaleise suddenly mustered the most flustered look she could manage. She gave him a wink and turned and left. Harry noted that Frederick not far behind.

Quite a few people in the Hall had stop to watch the kiss. The staff table was no exception. McGonagall spoke first, huffing: “Looks like Mr. Potter’s got himself yet another girlfriend.”

Snape snorted loudly.

“Another?” Dumbledore asked curiously.

“That’s the third girl Severus and I have seen him with just this week.” Lowering her voice slightly: “You know Albus, someone should speak with the boy. Three girls in one week!”

“I don’t know Minerva. Perhaps as his head of house you should do it.” Dumbledore began.

“Albus Dumbledore, you know very well he’s not going to speak with a woman about this. This is important. You know those awful Muggle relatives of his certainly aren’t speaking with him on the topic.”

“Perhaps you are right Minerva. I shall speak with him.”

-----

The next day, as Harry made his way to Potions, he felt his arm being wrenched outside the classroom. It was Parvati.

“Harry. What was that all about yesterday with Annaleise? I thought you said you didn’t want to date anyone?”

“I don’t. She asked me to kiss her to make someone else jealous is all. We’re friends. Now I have to go, I don’t want to be late,” Harry said.

“That looked like a lot more than friends kissing to me. If it’s passionate kisses you want Harry, I’d be happy to oblige...” and with that Parvati pulled Harry to her roughly and began kissing him quite forcefully. He felt her tongue pushing against his lips and he pursed his lips together as tight as possible, not wanting to let her tongue anywhere near his mouth.

As if on cue, Snape interrupted them: “You are late for my class Potter! Leave Miss Patil.” Harry looked through the doors of the dungeon and noticed the entire Potions class turned around staring at him. Snape was infuriated - but instead of raising his voice, his voice became softer and more threatening. “I’m tired of your antics Potter. You will keep your hormones under control or I’ll whip some control into you.”

The words did not have the intended affect on Harry. They felt like velvet brushing up against his body. Suddenly, he began to feel something stirring in between his legs. Oh my God! I am becoming aroused by Snape! Quickly, Harry took his seat. No it’s not possible, he thought. Harry replayed Snape’s words: ‘I’ll whip some control into you.’ Harry winced as he felt his pants tightening around him. He looked up and saw Snape’s eyes boring holes through him. Dear Lord he’s sexy!, he thought, followed quickly by What the hell is wrong with me? The next two hours passed very slowly or so it seemed for Harry. He kept looking up at Snape, wondering what on earth had possessed him to be thinking those earlier thoughts. Hermione kept elbowing him trying to get him to focus on his potion, which he did not do a very good job with.

Once class was over, Harry hurriedly gathered his things together and turned to leave.

“Potter!” Snape said.

Harry turned back reluctantly. “Yes sir.”

“You have a detention tomorrow night with me. I hope it will teach you to keep your extracurricular activities out of my classroom and preferably out of my sight!” Snape scowled.

Harry blushed. “Yes sir.” As he left, he was glad Snape did not know the real reason for his embarrassment. He couldn’t quite believe it himself. He didn’t like the idea that Snape had seen him kissing two different girls. As if that mattered. But somehow to Harry, it did.

TBC...

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A/N: This is my first fan fiction. I will be updating regularly and I promise not to leave anyone hanging - i.e., I will finish this story! Please review and let me know what you like/don’t like, etc. Specifics are helpful. Thanks.