Perfectus Erectus

Beta'd by: Kit and Calanthe . Thank you!! And to Mel for asking all the right questions. Inquisitive minds want to know!

A/N: This is totally meant to be tongue-in-cheek and ridiculous. Reviews are welcomed and flames are used to make s'mores.

Disclaimer: JKR owns the Potterverse and Perfectus Erectus is something I found on the first issue of Playwitch and can be found at the following web address: http://www.playwitch.net/issue1/perfect_ad.asp It's not something I am imaginative enough to dream up, unfortunately.


Does his wand wobble? Draco Malfoy read from the advert in the July 2005 issue of Playwitch. Hope sprang in his heart as he frantically scanned the page. Perhaps now he would be able to consummate his relationship with his long-time boyfriend, Blaise Zabini.

Draco sighed as he looked at his lap. He'd never in his life been able to sustain an erection. The problem? His cock was too big. Why that should matter, he didn't know. It was somewhat funny, in an ironic way. While most other teenaged boys wanted huge schlongs, they had no idea of the problems that could arise from having one. Or not rise, as the case may be.

He'd consulted medi-witches and potions experts all over Europe and America looking for a cure. He'd even thought briefly of having a penis reduction. Unfortunately, when he'd looked in to that, the medi-witch he went to told him in no uncertain terms that he'd lose all his magic. Apparently a wizard's magical core was in the head of the penis. Who knew? It also explained why most wizards were uncircumcised. The magical community was very cautious about cutting something that might prove to be vital to a wizard.

Draco wondered idly where a witch's magical core was located, but decided he really didn't need to know since he never planned on dating one. He was openly gay and very proud of it! He even had the mesh shirts and form fitting dragon hide trousers to prove it.

His eyes skipped down to the fine print and read carefully over the side effects. Good. No reports of it making cocks bigger. Levitation, invisibility, and nausea. Well, the first two would be cool, actually. Nausea, not so much, but he could handle that too, as long as the damn stuff worked. He wanted to experience an orgasm, for Merlin's sake!

If erections last longer than eighteen hours, please seek out a competent medi-witch. Eighteen hours?! Holy shite! He would be thankful if it lasted for eighteen seconds, as long as he got to come before it quit! If he went eighteen hours he would ask every god ever conceived of by man, centaur, elf, and giant to bless the creator of this beautiful little potion!

He jumped up from his desk and ran quickly to the Owlery to send off a rush order for the potion. Then he went back to his dorm to pace and wait impatiently. His days of bottoming might just be coming to a close!


PEPEPEPEPE


By the time he sat down to breakfast three days later, Draco was in the depths of depression. He hadn't heard a word about his order for Perfectus Erectus. He took out the advert and looked at it for the thousandth time, cursing the line he'd overlooked before.

Perfectus Erectus - coming to an Apothecary near you!

Well, that really put a prick in his plans! He wouldn't be 'coming' in any fashion until the Apothecary got the supply! At least he hadn't told Blaise. His unsuspecting boyfriend was going along with his life like normal while Draco floundered in the doldrums.

Dropping his head into his hands, the blond contemplated the misery of his existence. He allowed Blaise to bugger him as often as he wanted. It felt bloody wonderful but until he could have an orgasm he would never know the bliss he was missing. Blaise had, in an effort to help, tried to explain to him what if felt like, but 'total and complete relaxation' really didn't tell him much. He wanted to know, dammit!

The screeching of owls overhead notified him of the morning post. The thunk of a package hitting the table in front of him alerted him to the fact that today would be a very good day indeed.

Draco pulled the attached note from the tiny package sitting in the middle of the table and tore it open in a gesture completely opposite to his usual calmly controlled movements. His eyes skimmed the parchment, taking in the author's apologies to 'Young Lord Malfoy' for the wait and that they would never think of presuming to send him to an apothecary. The company that produced the potion in bulk would be happy to supply him directly and awaited his pleasure.

He snorted softly. His pleasure, indeed.

Paying the pecking bird for the delivery, Draco could barely restrain himself from ripping into the package right there at the breakfast table. Jumping up and making excuses to his startled friends, he left the Great Hall at a run, dashing as fast as his flapping robes would allow him back to his room.

Entering the seventh year boy's dorm, he frantically cast Locking Charms on the door, setting them to hold out everyone but Blaise. He wasn't concerned about his boyfriend walking in on him; in fact, he was desperately hoping he would.

He reverently peeled the packaging off the beautiful little bottle that held all his hopes and dreams inside its odourless, tasteless, and colourless depths. He would know in mere minutes if it would work.

With a shaking hand, he removed the stopper from the top of the tiny bottle and placed the recommended five drops under his tongue. Huh. It really was tasteless. Then he sat and waited. And waited.

After five whole minutes of waiting, he was ready to declare it a failed attempt when Blaise came bursting through the door, an exclamation of concern on his lips. Seeing his beautiful boyfriend was apparently the catalyst that Draco had been missing, because as soon as he drank Blaise in with his eyes a profound reaction started in his nether regions.

His prick grew. And it grew. And then it grew some more. By the time it was standing at attention, his cock had grown to three times its flaccid size. He was astounded; happy as hell, but completely astounded.

Following his blond boyfriend's gaze, Blaise watched in total shock as Draco got the first hard-on of his life. When it finally stopped swelling up like a clown's balloon under the pressure of helium, Blaise gulped. It was easily sixteen inches long and as thick as his wrist. One part of him was excited for his beloved boyfriend, but the other part, the part ruled by his frantically screaming arse, was yelling at him to him to run away, run away now! His arsehole was currently trying to crawl up inside his body to get away from that thing.

"Blaise, look! It worked!" Draco was perilously close to tears, as he knew he was only minutes away from having his very first orgasm. "We can make love the way we were meant to now!"

"Oh, no. Honey, Draco, sweetheart...I love you with every breath in my body, but there is no way in hell you're sticking that thing in me. I'll give you a blow job, I'll let you fuck Pansy, I'll do whatever you want, but you are out of your fucking mind if you think you're packing that into my arse. Not going to happen. Uh uh!"

Draco's face fell and tears sprang to his eyes as he listened to this heartfelt monologue from his boyfriend. "You don't want me?" he asked in a small voice.

"Oh, my love. I do want you. But don't you see? It's just not physically possible for you to fit in me. Not without seriously hurting me!" Hurting for the pain he saw in his boyfriends eyes, something Blaise had read once in a gay men's magazine came back to his mind. "Draco, I have an idea! One that I think you will really, really like. Do you trust me?"

"More than you trust me, apparently!" Draco pouted.

"Shut up and finish getting undressed. We want to take advantage of this while we can, right? Come on, honey. It will feel really, really good, ok? I promise!"

Draco, already naked from the waist down, shrugged out of his starched shirt, tossing it behind him as crawled onto the bed, waggling his arse at his newly aroused boyfriend. Blaise hurriedly ripped his clothes off and joined Draco on the bed, using his greater strength to flip Draco onto his back.

"We're going to do it this way, ok? Trust me."

Draco nodded, biting his lip. He really wasn't that fond of this position, but he played along for Blaise. Blaise spent a few moments on foreplay but stopped when Draco reminded him that they were under possible time constraints.

Quickly casting a Lubricating and Stretching Charm on his boyfriend, Blaise slowly pushed inside, angling to hit Draco's prostate. Unfortunately that was a possible mistake because the moment he brushed that small bundle of nerves, Draco's cock gave a hard pulse, nearly pushing his lover completely off of him. Damn! It wasn't just huge, it was strong, too!

"Shite!" he breathed, tightening his grip on Draco's waist to keep from being jostled by the trouser anaconda.

Settling himself back in, he continued thrusting as he leaned over—not very far since Draco's thing was so freaking long—and took the head of his cock in his mouth, blowing Draco as he fucked into his gloriously tight arse.

Draco screamed and came off the bed. He couldn't believe how intense this was, how fucking wonderful it felt. He was the happiest gay boy in the world today! Hell, the universe!

With a shout, he came for the first time in his young life. The force of his orgasm was so powerful, Blaise shot off the end of his cock and was propelled across the room to slam into the stone wall. Further jets of come destroyed the bed hangings, the tapestries around the room, and managed to jostle loose several of the bricks on the wall above where Blaise was slumped.

But Draco didn't care. His orgasm had been everything he'd waited for and more. Funny thing, though. Blaise had explained it perfectly. He was the most relaxed he'd ever been in his life.

With a smile and a sigh, he rolled over and fell asleep.

The End.