Healing Shores

A/N: Some of you may recognize this story. I originally published this a while ago, when I was still using the pen name Arianrhod. Well, after finding several other authors using that name, I decided to change my pseudonym to Lidane, and I took down all my fics for a while. But now I\'m back. :)

Since I keep getting e-mails about this series of stories, here they are, untouched and unedited, with its original author\'s notes and all. It\'s pre-HBP, *totally* AU, and shouldn\'t be considered serious fiction by anyone. But hey-- it\'s porn, so it\'s not all bad. :)

Title: Healing Shores
Author: Lidane
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Harry/Lucius
Warnings: Slash, language, angst, character death
Spoilers: a few, including some pretty major ones for OotP—read
ahead at your own risk
Archive: Beloved Enemies and AdultFanFiction.net for now. Anyone
else, just ask me first.
Feedback: would be great.
Disclaimer: If you think I own this, or profit from it, seek help
immediately. Also, the first line, which inspired the title, belongs
to Placebo, and is taken from the same song quoted below.
Summary: Real life has a nasty habit of showing up when it\'s not
wanted. Lucius considers his relationship with Harry in the
aftermath.

A/N: This is set in the Delicate Boy universe, and will make sense
to you *only* if you read that story and its Harry/Severus follow-up,
So Narcotic,first. You can find them both in my user profile.

There will be one other story in this series, wrapping everything
up, and it will be Harry/Tom.

~~*~~

I\'ll be your water
Bathing you clean with liquid peace
I\'ll be your ether
You\'ll breathe me in
You won\'t release
Well I\'ve seen you suffer,
I\'ve seen you cry the whole night through
So I\'ll be your water
Bathing you clean with liquid blue…-- Placebo, \"I\'ll Be Yours\"

~~*~~

/I\'ll be your anchor…you\'ll never leave these shores that cure…/


He grieves, as he has for the past few weeks, and I find I am at a
loss.

Emerald eyes that once held such life, and fire, and defiance, are
now haunted-- clouded over with tears, and full of regret. More than
anything, I want to take him in my arms and kiss the pain away, but
he has kept his distance from all of us in the aftermath of recent
events.

I watch him silently, as he sits on a windowsill in one of Malfoy
Manor\'s larger atriums as he surveys the grounds around him. I\'ve
left him in relative peace all this time, and given him the solitude
he has asked for, but Merlin help me, I miss him dearly sometimes.

We are in the same house. Sometimes even in the same room. But we
are never in the same place, and have not been for some time.

And my soul weeps over it as I think about it all.

A lot has happened in the months since Severus approached both Tom
and myself about ending the war and faking Tom\'s death. We had, of
course, decided not to say a word of it to Harry until we had all
the details in place. Since Tom Riddle would cease to exist, we had
slowly begun to transfer funds and possessions from his extensive
vaults at Gringott\'s to some of my personal ones, as well as to some
of the unused Snape family vaults, doing so a bit at a time so as
not to tip off the goblins.

Modifying the Dark Lord\'s appearance was also going to be necessary,
at least in terms of the glamouries he would wear publicly, and we
also scoured his family records for names that would not be easily
traced back to the Riddle lines, so we could use my influence at the
Ministry to forge, then file identification and a history for him
under that new alias, destroying all trace of Tom Riddle once
Voldemort \"died\".

We were in the middle of solidifying a few minor details, and close
to telling Harry about it all, when *it* happened.

There was an ambush against the Order, planned without Voldemort\'s
knowledge by my former sister in law, Bellatrix Lestrange, and her
bastard husband Rodolphus and his brother Rabastan. Aided by that
miserable, insane elf Kreacher, along with Wormtail and a few
faceless Death Eaters, they infiltrated Black Manor.

By the time the battle was over, the casualties were severe.

Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, who were to be married soon, were
the first ones killed, the faceless Death Eaters breaking down their
bedroom door and firing curses at them before the young couple could
react and pull their wands.

Wormtail, his silver hand burning through the werewolf\'s skin until
he reached in and pulled his former friend\'s heart out, killed Remus
Lupin, who had been bound, beaten, hexed, and restrained by the
Lestranges. This set Sirius Black off, but before he could get to
his former schoolmate and betrayer, his cousin Bellatrix hit him
with Cruciatus repeatedly before ultimately killing him, cursing him
loudly and forcefully for betraying his own blood, the Black family
honor finally restored, she had said.

Arriving on the scene late, since he and Albus, along with other
senior Order members, including Severus, were meeting with the
Minster of Magic, Arthur Weasley, at the time of the initial attack,
Harry got to the Manor only to see his godfather hit with the Avada
Kedavara, falling over dead right before his eyes.

Blind rage filled him at that point, and before anyone could move to
stop him, Harry revealed his Dark Arts prowess, not only cursing all
of the Death Eaters there extensively, but killing them all himself.
He also bound Kreacher, keeping him from running or disappearing,
and he snapped that pathetic creature\'s neck with his bare hands for
leading the attackers into the house. He then surveyed the scene
around him—his best friends and the two men he considered family,
gone. Seven Death Eaters and an elf dead, and all by his hand.

Grief and shame overwhelmed him then, and he disapparated.

No one could find him or get a hold of him for many days. He cut the
fireplace in his flat off from the Floo network and refused all
owls.

Severus told me the look that Harry fixed on him before he left was
one that he never wanted to see again for the rest of his days.
Betrayal. Rage. Sadness. It was almost as if he blamed us for what
happened, and since all of the attackers were Death Eaters; it was
an easy conclusion to make. The look he gave to Severus was so
heartbreaking in its intensity that it actually reduced my old
friend to tears when he returned that night to Tom and myself at
Malfoy Manor. It was something I had never seen my usually strong,
proud housemate do. And it showed the depths of what Harry had felt
at the sight.

Damn Bellatrix, her worthless husband, his bastard of a brother, and
that fool Wormtail, along with the others who took part in this.
Damn them all for their blindness, and damn them for presuming to
know what Voldemort would have wanted, and for attacking without
orders, and without saying a word of their plans. Perhaps over a
year ago, we would have praised them for what they had done, since
we did not know the Boy Who Lived on any intimate level, but now
that we all did, what they did was the worst possible thing anyone
could have done.

Their fanaticism and zealousness has ruined so many carefully laid
plans, they are lucky they are now in the ninth level of Hell, sent
there by Harry himself, otherwise we would have done it ourselves.

After just over a week, I went to his flat in London, and managed to
break his fairly impressive wards. I went in to see him.

To say he was in a state would be to put it mildly.

My once proud, strong, brave, beautiful Gryffindor was unwashed and
unshaven, and reeked of alcohol. His apartment, usually very tidy
and organized, was a right mess, bottles and glasses everywhere,
half eaten food on the table, clothes on the floor, papers strewn
about, and all that. When I walked in the door, I only narrowly
missed being hexed by him, and had to disarm him and bind him before
he would listen to anything I had to say.

Looking at me with disgust and hatred in his eyes, he snarled at me,
a wholly unpleasant look I never wanted to see cross his features
again.

\"Get out,\" he snapped at me. \"You got what you wanted from me. Now
leave.\"

\"What?\" I asked him, bewildered.

\"You all probably planned this all along, didn\'t you?\" he
sneered. \"Fuck me senseless, give me a sense of security, and of
feeling like I\'m actually cared for and loved in this goddamned
world for once, gain my trust, then you send your minions in to kill
my family and my friends, breaking my heart in the process. I hope
you\'re happy now, you bastard,\" he hissed, his voice cracking with
emotion.

\"Harry, you\'re wrong!\" I told him. \"You *are* cared for, and you
*are* loved,\" I said, and he snorted bitterly, a harsh laugh
escaping him.

\"What kind of fool do you take me for, Malfoy?\" he scoffed angrily,
his eyes welling up with tears as he spoke. \"I should have listened
to my original instinct that first night when my scar told me that
Voldemort was on the other side of those chamber doors in Elysium. I
should have just gone on in my life thinking that I would never
approach you, or Voldemort, or Snape, and never created Kelly, Sage
or Willow. But no. I gave in to my heart, and decided to take those
chances, and I let you into my world. And now look what it got me—my
best friends and the only two people I have ever considered family
are dead, and it was your kind—Death Eaters,\" he spat the words
hatefully, \"that did it. I was a fool to ever believe a damned thing
any of you had to say.\"

\"Harry, you have it all wrong,\" I started. \"We didn\'t plan the
attack at all. That was Bellatrix and her husband all by themselves.
Believe me, we wouldn\'t have done that to you. We care about you too
much to hurt you like that,\" I pleaded, hoping he would see
reason. \"We had our plans, yes, but they\'re not what you think, and
what happened to your friends and family has bollocksed them up
entirely.\"

\"And why should I believe you, Death Eater?\" he raged, and I winced
at the title. \"Voldemort wanted me dead all those years. You tried
to kill me back in my second year with that goddamned diary. Snape
saved my life a few times, but only to cover his own arse and to
keep suspicions about his loyalties at bay. Why should I give any
credence to any of the words coming out of your mouth now? I\'m not
that naïve anymore.\"

\"I never said you were, Harry,\" I soothed. \"But please! Give me a
chance to explain. Give *us* a chance to talk to you, three on one,
to give you our side of the story. I\'m telling you the truth. We
never wanted this.\"

Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out a vial and held it out to
him. \"Do you know what this is?\"

Wary, hateful look, and he responded, \"It looks like Vertiaserum,
but how do I know it\'s real? If that bastard Snape brewed it, how do
I know it doesn\'t just allow you to lie to me straight faced instead
of telling me the truth?\"

\"Use the ring Severus gave you, Harry. The stones change color when
Veritaserum is present in a drink. I\'ll pour some into a glass of
water in front of you. If you\'re satisfied,\" I bargained, \"then you
can give me a few drops of it, and I will tell you everything. I
will tell you the truth, cariad,\" I promised softly.

\"Don\'t fucking call me that! I loved you, you bastard. I trusted
you. Fuck, I even went on *holiday* with you. But until I know
you\'re not lying to me, then you have no right to call me that
name,\" he seethed, his eyes poisonous. \"None of you have any rights
or claims to me until I know the truth.\"

\"And that\'s a perfectly reasonable request, Harry,\" I agreed, trying
to placate my angry Gryffindor. He absolutely radiated contempt, and
the hatred and rage rolled off him in waves, augmented by his power.
I shuddered at the realization that hit me then. Had he been turned
to the Dark when he was in his first year and Voldemort offered him
power, he would have been a formidable threat, and an accomplished
Death Eater and assassin. After a time, he could even have posed a
serious, credible threat to the Dark Lord\'s power and could have
usurped his throne. It was all there, right in front of me. This
loyal, brave, fearless Gryffindor could have been one of the Heir of
Slytherin\'s most vicious followers.

All those years ago, this would have pleased me. Now, it broke a
part of me that I never realized existed.

I looked at him quietly, seeing him stew in his anger, and I came to
a decision.

He was better than this. I couldn\'t allow him to give in to his
hatred and his rage like this, or to give up.

I made that mistake decades ago when I became a Death Eater, and it
wasn\'t until he entered my life, both as himself, and as Willow,
that I even considered that there were other options.

I\'m not a good man. I never will be. Neither are Tom and Severus,
nor could any of us ever truly be redeemed. We have each been
responsible for countless deaths, rapes, and tortures, and I have
not maintained my wealth and status in this world without resorting
to any means at my disposal, and I\'m not about to change in that
regard.

However, we have each learned from Harry in our own ways. He endured
a hellish childhood, little more than a slave, followed by seven
years of misery in school, most of it at our hands, either directly
or indirectly. Yet he emerged from it all a strong, capable man
with a support system in place, and although he has had to hide from
others with regards to his love and social lives, he eventually came
around and lived almost openly for the first time ever. He had a
loving, easy nature, and a fierce inner strength that helped to
guide him through all of the obstacles he faced.

I believe that through Harry, we each learned that it was possible
to face misery and pain and unimaginable loss at a young age, but
still not give in to your baser impulses for murder and revenge.
There was always a silver lining somewhere in the clouds, and he
tried to remain positive and optimistic, even in the face of
overwhelming odds.

Witnessing his godfather\'s death, however, changed all of that.

For the first time in his life, he gave in. He allowed his pain and
his anger and his hatred—the Darkness that has always existed in
him, and which exists in everyone, if they admit it to themselves
honestly—to take over. He murdered seven people in rage and cold
blood, after torturing them first. He killed an elf with his bare
hands.

I think that was what was motivating his grief. Yes, he felt
betrayed by Tom, Severus and myself. But I think he felt that he
betrayed himself more, and his parents, friends and family. He is
the Boy Who Lived. He was not supposed to be a cold-blooded killer.
And yet he was, which was why he was so angry.

I had to calm him, and the only thing that would accomplish that was
the truth.

I crossed the room, stepping over the papers and clutter that litter
my path, and made my way into his kitchen, finding a clear glass and
pouring some water into it, then I returned to his side. After
securing his promise that he wouldn\'t attack me, I loosened his
bonds and handed him the water, pouring several drops of Vertiaserum
into it. His ring reacted accordingly, showing him that the potion I
had with me was real.

\"All right,\" he said, cautious tone in his voice. \"This is real
Veritaserum.\" Pointing at the chair he had been sitting in, he
ordered me to sit down, and I complied. He dropped the customary
dose, three drops, on to my tongue with the dropper, and I
swallowed. He waited until my features opened and stilled, my eyes
glazed over from the serum, and he began to question me, circling me
as he spoke.

\"Did you, Voldemort and Severus have anything to do with the attack
on Black Manor?\"

\"No. We had no knowledge of any plans for the ambush.\"

\"Who did plan it?\"

\"Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange, along with his brother Rabastan.\"

\"Why?\"

\"Bellatrix was Sirius Black\'s cousin, and she has always wanted
revenge for what she saw as his betrayal of his family by being
sorted into Gryffindor, and for running to live with the Potter
family when he was in school.\"

\"If all she wanted was revenge against Sirius, why were Ron,
Hermione and Remus killed?\"

\"Wormtail has always wanted revenge against Lupin for what he saw as
the werewolf\'s abandonment of him back in school. And they knew that
killing your friends would hurt you deeply, perhaps driving you to
suicide, or into challenging the Dark Lord directly, leading to your
death.\"

\"And you say that the Dark Lord had no advance notice of the attack?\"

\"No. He did not find out until Severus reported back to him, and to
myself that night.\"

\"Why did they attack without telling Voldemort anything?\"

\"They assumed the Dark Lord would be pleased by their actions, but
he is not. Had they survived their ambush, he would certainly have
killed them when they returned. They ruined months of careful
planning and details, and a lot of hard work in their foolishness.\"

\"You said you had plans that involved me. Is this true?\"

\"Yes.\"

\"What are they?\"

\"To fake Tom\'s death and end the war, giving you the peace you\'ve
never had in your life.\"

When the words escaped me, I could see him stop his pacing around
me, an unreadable expression on his face. It looked like he wanted
to believe what I was telling him, but then I saw his hurt once
more, and he shook his head.

\"Why would you give up decades of fighting for control of the
wizarding world like that?\"

\"Because with you, we have seen other options, and a new approach to
living that we had never considered before. And all the raw power
over the world that we could have had wasn\'t worth losing you over,
so we went with the option that we felt was best, which was to fake
Tom\'s demise and concede defeat.\"

\"What other options were there?\"

\"The only other serious option was to fake your death and take over
the world otherwise, imprisoning or killing the members of the
Order, but we decided that the negatives outweighed the positives
with that option, so we cast it aside.\"

\"How so?\"

\"Because we would have gained the world, but lost you. You would
never have forgiven us.\"

Fresh tears came to his eyes then, and his lip quivered as he began
to cry once more. \"You…you do care,\" he whispered in disbelief.

\"Yes. We do.\"

\"And you would give it all up, for me?\"

\"Yes.\"

\"Why?\"

\"We care about you, Harry, and don\'t want to see you hurt. Do we
really need another reason?\"

\"What…what were the plans that were ruined?\"

\"We had been slowly, over the past few months, clearing out the Dark
Lord\'s vaults, transferring money and items to vaults that both
Severus and I own, and we had been working on creating an identity
and history for Voldemort once Tom Riddle ceases to be. We were
going to tell you soon about our plans, but the ambush took place
before we could say anything.\"

I looked up at Harry as I finished speaking. The look on his face
was one of confusion, sadness, and something else that was
unidentifiable. He had paled, his body shaking, and the tears were
running freely down his face. Shaking his head over and over, he
walked backwards slowly, closed his eyes and let out a breath. \"Oh
gods…\" he murmured sadly, his voice hitching.

His grief overtook him once more, and at that point, he collapsed to
the floor, sobbing into the couch nearby. The potion had worn off
by then and I cast aside my cloaks and gloves, and knelt up behind
him, turning him around and taking him into my arms.

We stayed that way for the better part of an hour, Harry beside
himself with emotion. I let him cry, saying nothing, but stroking
his hair and his back, and giving him human contact. Finally, he
began to quiet, and through a series of small sobs, began talking to
me again.

\"I\'ve ruined it all, haven\'t I?\" he asked sadly. \"I\'ll never have
any of you again.\"

\"Hush, cariad,\" I told him. \"That\'s not true. And you haven\'t ruined
anything, love. You reacted in a very normal way. How else would you
have been expected to react when it was a group of Death Eaters who
hurt you like that? Of course you felt betrayed.\"

\"It\'s just that I…\" he started to say, and then he drifted off, the
thought lost forever. He turned a pair of pained emerald eyes to me,
and murmured, \"Now what do I do? I can\'t stay here. Every inch of
this place has memories of Ron, Hermione, Sirius and Remus. I\'m
lost. I don\'t know what to do, or where to go,\" he breathed, his
voice becoming small and vulnerable in the end.

\"Come with me to the Manor,\" I offered. \"Draco lives with Blaise out
in Wales, so he won\'t be around much, if at all, and I can give you
an entire wing of rooms. You\'ll have access to the Manor grounds and
to the Libraries, and I can assign a house elf to you to take care
of meals, or anything else you might need until you work through
your grief over your losses. There are also stables available, and
if you don\'t know how to ride, I can arrange lessons for you, if you
are so inclined.\"

\"But what do I do about all of this?\" he wondered, his hand vaguely
waving around the room. \"I can\'t just leave it all behind.\"

\"You won\'t have to. For now, let\'s get you cleaned up and then pack
some bags to last a few days. I will send elves over here to clean,
and wash everything that remains,\" I promised him. \"We can come back
and pack everything up together, and you can live with me. I have
plenty of room, and you\'ll have all the space you need.\"

Sniffling and wiping his eyes, Harry normalized his breathing and
nodded up at me. \"All right,\" he agreed softly. \"I\'ll go. But…I- I\'m
going to need to be alone for a while. I believe you now, that
you\'re telling the truth, and that you didn\'t do this to me, but
it\'s going to take some time for me to fully trust you all again. It
just hurts too much right now.\"

\"And that\'s fine, cariad,\" I assured him, placing a small kiss on
his scar, causing him to shiver in my arms. \"Take all of the time
that you need. But at least give us the chance someday to make this
up to you somehow. We don\'t like seeing you hurt.\"

Speech was lost to him then, as a fresh wave of sobs washed over him
again, but he nodded his agreement, and when he had calmed once
more, I marched him off to the shower so he could wash up as I began
to gather his clothing, cosmetics, and anything I thought he might
want, Harry supplementing my choices when he finished. After
shrinking his bags and pocketing them, he allowed me to take him in
my arms, and we disapparated, landing in the main entrance of Malfoy
Manor.

Which brings us to our current position.

It has been many weeks since that night in his flat. The deaths of
Bellatrix and the others were considered self-defense, so no charges
were ever brought by the Ministry. I suspect it is because Arthur
was glad that someone avenged his son and his soon to be daughter-in-
law within moments of their deaths, and it was the boy he considered
a surrogate son. He was willing to overlook the Dark Arts use, and
the Unforgivables cast, because his own desire for revenge was sated
in that moment.

The elf that I assigned to him, Dala, tells me that Harry eats with
a fair appetite, and that he can typically be found with his nose in
a book, or looking through several photo albums that he has,
memories of his years with his friends, his godfather, who never
regained his freedom, and the werewolf. He took my offer of riding
lessons, and I\'ve seen him now and then, riding across the grounds,
finding secluded spots near the lake, where he would spend his time
gazing out at the water in silence.

We\'ve had polite conversations when I\'ve run across him on my own,
but clearly, he is still in pain, and likely will be for a while.

Severus has told me that he assured the Headmaster that Harry is
fine, and in seclusion, but that he knows where to find him should
the need arise, and Albus has wisely opted not to question it
further, knowing that even the Boy Who Lived is human, and needs to
recover from what has happened, and what he did on his own, without
interference, or anyone giving him false platitudes of sympathy.
Hopefully, Harry will someday go back to Hogwarts and talk things
out with the old codger, if for nothing else than to alleviate his
mind over what he has done.

I cast my lot in life a long time ago, and Albus and I came to our
own silent understanding decades ago. Harry should not have to do
the same. He and his mentor should talk. I will have to mention it
to him some time.

Fixing one last glance at him from where I sit, across the room from
him, I get up and leave, heading back to my private office, near my
chambers. I pour myself a brandy and sit behind my desk, lost in
thought.

I\'m so distracted by my own mind, I don\'t hear him come in, and when
he calls my name to get my attention, I almost jump out of my skin
at the shock. He laughs quietly, the first such sound from him in a
long time, and I look at him.

There\'s warmth in his eyes and a soft smile at his lips that hasn\'t
been there since the ambush, and for the first time in weeks, a
small glimmer of hope worms its way into my heart. Perhaps all is
not lost yet, and I might just get my brave, beautiful Gryffindor
back. I certainly hope so.

It\'s been Hell without him.

~~*~~

Pushing off from the doorway he had been leaning against, Harry
crossed the office to the ornate mahogany desk that Lucius was
seated at, and walked around to the aristocrat\'s side.

Confused gray eyes looked up at him, and an eyebrow arched silently
in a query, and the Gryffindor felt another small smile cross his
lips. Reaching over, he took the snifter of brandy from the
Slytherin\'s hands and put it aside, then pulled the older wizard to
his feet.

\"Harry, what…?\" asked Lucius, only to be cut off by a finger being
placed over his lips.

\"Shh. Don\'t say anything, love. Just come here,\" he replied, holding
his arms open. The Death Eater complied, and the two men found
themselves embracing again for the first time in many weeks.
Something akin to relief washed over the blonde, and his body
tensed, and then relaxed into the younger man\'s arms.

Minutes passed, both men simply content to stand there, in each
other\'s arms, when Harry broke the silence.

\"Thank you,\" he said softly.

\"For what?\" wondered the blonde. \"I haven\'t done anything.\"

\"Yes you have. You allowed me to face this on my own, but you were
still there. Even if we didn\'t talk, I could still feel you near me,
and feel you offering me comfort, even if I never said anything,\"
Harry answered quietly. Looking up at the older wizard, he reached a
hand out and cupped his lover\'s cheek, the Slytherin leaning
slightly into the contact.

Looking into deep jade eyes, Lucius commented, \"What other choice
did I have, love? You were in no condition for anything else, and I
knew that you had to come around on your own. Death Eaters killed
your family and friends. I bear the Dark Mark, and do so of my own
free will. I couldn\'t force you to grieve, or to listen to me, or to
open up to me. My only option was to provide you with the space and
solitude you needed, and in an environment that was unfamiliar, so
you wouldn\'t be plagued by your memories at every turn.\"

\"And all of that helped me more than you know,\" responded the
brunette. \"I\'ve spent a lot of time thinking of them, and what they
would want from me. None of them would have wanted me to give up on
my life, and yet I almost did. If you hadn\'t broken my wards and
gotten me out of my flat, I\'d probably have turned my wand on myself
in the state I was in,\" he admitted, and the older man\'s hold
tightened fractionally.

Disentangling himself from the embrace, Harry walked over to the
windows leading to the balcony outside, and he surveyed the now
familiar grounds once more. His back to his lover, he continued
speaking.

\"I\'ve thought about a lot of things, and in the end, I\'m grateful
for all you\'ve done for me. You didn\'t have to do any of this. You
never had to bring me here, or give me the watch I wear, or train
me, or even be there in the first place. You and Tom and Severus
could have just killed me outright when you found out about Kelly,
Sage and Willow, and everything else would have been a moot point,\"
he said offhandedly. \"But you didn\'t. You took a chance, and for
that, I\'m grateful.\"

Walking over to the younger wizard, Lucius turned Harry around to
face him. \"Harry, I…\" he started, then he looked away, lost in
thought for the moment, then looked back at the Gryffindor. \"I\'m not
a good man, Harry. I never will be. Neither are Severus and Tom.
We\'ve done far too much in our lives to ever be absolved or redeemed
by anyone, whether gods or men. But I\'m not above taking a risk when
I think it\'s worth it, like I did with you, and even I am not above
human compassion. I couldn\'t let you stay in the place you were in.
I…I care about you too much for that. I think we all do.\"

\"That\'s just it, Luc,\" countered Harry. \"I\'m not all that good
either. Yes, I have that whole Boy Who Lived stigma following me
around, but I proved at Black Manor that even I am not above murder
and revenge. It felt *good* to curse Bellatrix. I *enjoyed* killing
her, and causing them all pain,\" he revealed, his eyes momentarily
clouded by the memory. \"I felt no small satisfaction when I brought
the bastard who betrayed my parents and framed my godfather, setting
my life on the path it has been on, to his knees in front of me, and
had him begging me pathetically for mercy before I killed him. I\'ve
been held up for so long as a symbol of purity and light that I
realized in these past few weeks that I\'m really not that person. I
never was. Admitting that to myself was the hardest thing I\'ve done,
even more so than grieving for my family and friends.\"

\"How so?\" asked the Death Eater.

\"I had steeled myself for their deaths a long time ago, just as I
had steeled myself for my own, and this was before that night in
Elysium. We were in the middle of a war, Luc,\" explained the
Gryffindor as he began counting off on his hands. \" Remus and Sirius
were active members of the Order, always going on missions. Ron had
just completed Auror training last year, and had gone on a few
raids, and Hermione worked in the Ministry for the Wizengamot,
putting together cases against Dark wizards and Death Eaters. She
was a target for revenge, and with her status as a muggleborn, her
risk was even higher than most. I guess a part of me always expected
to lose them,\" he said softly, \"but I never expected to witness any
of their deaths myself, and I had hoped to be able to save them
somehow. But I couldn\'t, and that hurt the most.\"

\"And yet you avenged them,\" pointed out the aristocrat.

\"Yes. By using fire to combat fire. I threw all of the hexes and
curses that you all taught me against them. I used Dark magic
willingly, and channeled my rage into it, and I enjoyed it,\"
responded Harry. \"I avenged them, but felt like I failed them just
the same, because of who I am and what I have meant to people. It
was facing that side of myself that has been the hardest thing for
me, but now that I have, I\'m ready to move on. I feel more at peace
with myself than I have in years.\"

\"And the rest?\" wondered the blonde.

\"You mean about you all caring for me?\" asked Harry, and Lucius
nodded. \"That took some time as well. Once I realized that I wasn\'t
the purely good being I had thought I was, and that I lived in
shades of gray instead of in the black and white world of certainty
that others have, I realized that what we have is important to me,
and special,\" he whispered. \"I don\'t want to lose that, Luc. You all
have provided a balance for me that I never had, and I can have my
Darker aspects and my failings and weaknesses, and I won\'t be judged
harshly for them at all.\"

\"They make you who you are, love,\" said the blonde. \"No one is
perfect, or omniscient, or without flaws. But it\'s the entirety of a
person, both the good and the bad, that makes us the people we are.
And certainly, none of us has any room to criticize you for your
revenge, considering our lives. We just want you to be happy, love,
and to enjoy your life. It doesn\'t matter if you wear cosmetics, or
if you\'re gay, or you\'ve used Dark magic, or killed in cold blood to
avenge your family and friends. Those are only parts of you. It\'s
the whole of you I find attractive.\"

Overwhelmed by the older man\'s words, Harry reached up and cupped
his face again, this time pulling the blonde wizard down slightly,
and pressed their lips together. Small sighs escaped both men at the
contact, since it had been many weeks, and they pulled back and
looked at each other. Coming to the same conclusion, they leaned
forward once again, mouths and tongues tangling in a brief, soft
kiss which quickly gained intensity, both men running their hands
through each other\'s hair and bringing their bodies closer together.

When they broke apart for air, Lucius rained a small series of
kisses into Harry\'s hair and spoke softly. \"I\'ve missed this, and
I\'ve missed you, love.\" Placing a kiss on that famous lightning
bolt, he looked down into soft green eyes, and murmured, \"Whatever
you want, whatever I can give you--it\'s yours, cariad. Just ask.\"

\"Then make love to me, Lucius,\" responded Harry, and gray eyes
widened in surprise. It\'s been so long, and I need to feel you
again,\" continued the Gryffindor. \"Please, love? For me?\"

\"Are you sure?\" asked the aristocrat, and the brunette nodded. \"It\'s
what I want, Luc,\" he breathed. \"Make love to me. I need it, and I
need you. I\'ve been dead these past few weeks, and I need to feel
alive again.\"

\"Very well, cariad. Then let\'s go to my chambers,\" said the blonde,
pulling his younger lover out of the office and down the corridor to
an impressive set of doors. A large, four-poster bed took pride of
place in the center of the room, which was large and airy, a far cry
from the austere quarters that most would expect from the
intimidating wizard.

Once inside the impressive room, which was ornate, but retained a
sense of comfort, Lucius turned to Harry and took him in his arms
again, bringing his lips down on the sinful mouth he had been denied
for so long. He patiently explored every inch of that wet heat with
his tongue, savoring the taste of his young lover, memorizing it for
future reference, and he could feel Harry\'s arousal, twin to his
own, as the two grazed across each other, drawing surprised gasps
from both wizards.

\"Hurry, cariad,\" murmured Lucius. \"I find that after such a long
wait, I don\'t have much patience.\"

Harry laughed into their next kiss, and he agreed. \"I can\'t wait
either,\" he gasped, bringing his hands up and quickly unbuttoning
the older man\'s shirt and casting it aside, then divesting his own.
Another searing kiss was shared, and clothes went flying then, and
soon Harry found himself lying in the center of the soft, king-sized
bed as Lucius licked and nibbled at his jaw, his powerful hands
tracing up the brunette\'s sides and settling on his hips.

\"Beautiful…\"sighed the older man as he kissed a wet trail down his
lover\'s neck and torso, ghosting his fingertips across dusky
nipples, bringing them to hardness, then traveling across planes of
flesh and sinew, drawing light whimpers and moans from his supine
Gryffindor.

\"Oh gods…Luc, please…\" gasped Harry, arching his body into the mouth
that was exploring his skin as he threaded his fingers into the spun
platinum silk that was the Death Eater\'s hair. He couldn\'t bite back
a loud moan when he felt a powerful, aristocratic hand wrap itself
around his cock and stroke him firmly, and he shivered in
anticipation of what his lover had in mind.

\"Like that, do you?\" teased the blonde. \"There\'s more where that
came from, cariad,\" he leered, his voice full of promise.

As he spoke, his explorations went lower and lower until he came to
Harry\'s hard, proud shaft and began licking and kissing a trail up
the underside of it, nipping softly on the vein, causing his young
beau to his and grip that long blonde hair tighter as he groaned
again. A small bit of moisture formed at the tip and the Death Eater
lapped at it, taking the Gryffindor\'s cock into his mouth and down
his throat to the root.

Harry cried out at the action, moaning as he reveled in the heat he
was surrounded by as the aristocrat began to work his magic, taking
the Boy Who Lived in over and over, one hand cupping his heavy sac,
the other tracing light patterns at his hips and curling around his
thigh, which twitched from the sensation.

Sensing the rising desire in the green-eyed wizard, Lucius removed
his mouth from Harry\'s hard shaft, and the younger man whimpered at
the loss. The aristocrat held his hand out and summoned a small vial
to himself and opened it, the scents of jasmine and vanilla filling
the air.

Slicking two fingers up, the Slytherin looked into emerald green
eyes, glowing with love, trust and desire, and pressed his hand
forward, invading that tight ring of muscle and began preparing his
lover to be claimed as he leaned in for another hungry kiss. When
the second finger was added, Lucius twisted and scissored his slick
digits, stretching Harry out more and gliding over his prostate,
making the younger man cry out more, swallowing each delicious sound
as he continued to plunder the younger man\'s mouth with his own.

Breaking the kiss, the blonde looked into his lover\'s gaze once more
and spoke. \"Are you ready for me, cariad?\" asked Lucius.

\"Yes, Luc. Please. Take me. Fuck me. Make love to me,\" panted the
brunette. \"Please…\" he sighed as he watched the Death Eater position
himself at his opening and press forward, the two men looking deeply
into each other\'s eyes as the older wizard sank slowly into the body
of his lover. When he was fully sheathed, the pair of lovers stilled
and came together in another searing kiss as they adjusted to the
sensation of being joined once more in the aftermath of all they had
gone through in the past weeks.

Harry signaled his readiness for more when he lightly rotated and
bucked his hips, causing Lucius\' eyes to darken with desire, an
amused glint in them.

Pulling out slightly and thrusting back in, causing the Gryffindor
to gasp in shock, the blonde began a steady, sure pace into that
tight, sweet arse he was buried in, moving his hips in small circles
as he went, hitting Harry\'s pleasure center on each stroke. For his
part, the Boy Who Lived, his hips matching the Slytherin\'s thrust
for thrust, raked his nails down his lover\'s back, almost hard
enough to draw blood, as he began to encourage his lover and spur
him along, his pleas and cries arousing the blonde fiercely.

Latching his mouth on to Harry\'s neck, Lucius took his still slicked
hand and brought it between them, grasping the younger man\'s hard
cock once more and stroking it in time with their rhythm. Glazed,
half-lidded steel gray eyes looked up and locked with emerald and in
a passion roughened voice, the aristocrat groaned, \"Now, Harry. Come
now. Come for me, love.\"

Bucking his hips up, and arching into the hand that was fondling
him, Harry looked deeply into his lover\'s eyes, seeing the depths of
emotion there, and then he threw his head back, crying out Lucius\'
name and climaxing hard, his seed coating the older wizard\'s hand. A
few more hard thrusts and a soft sigh of triumph and the Slytherin
followed his lover over the edge, murmuring the brunette\'s name into
the desperate kiss they were sharing as their bodies slowed and
their breathing normalized, the pair of wizards coming down from the
passion they had just shared.

A few simple cleaning charms later, and the two men were wrapped up
in each other\'s arms, kissing gently.

Vivid green eyes looked into gray, and Harry cupped Lucius\' cheek
once more. \"Thank you, love. For everything. I love you.\"

\"And I you, cariad,\" responded the blonde. \"Sleep now. We can talk
more later.\"

\"All right,\" agreed the younger man. \"Sleep well, love. Good night,\"
he said, kissing the aristocrat one final time, then snuggling into
his chest and closing his eyes.

Extinguishing the candles in the room with a wave of his hand,
Lucius kissed Harry\'s temple and settled in for slumber, murmuring a
quiet endearment, then joining his Gryffindor in the land of dreams.

~~*~~

As my mind slowly enters the dream state, I marvel at the young man
who shares my bed, and who has shared my home since the deaths of
his friends and family.

While he is far from fully healed from what he has endured, we have
made a lot of significant progress. Of course, he still has to work
his issues out with both Tom and Severus, which will have to be done
on its own time, and he will have to talk to Albus to sort out the
events of that night at Black Manor.

And he still has to visit the graves for his godfather, his best
friends and the werewolf, as well as the families of both Weasley
and Granger to close those chapters of his life. He has to find the
closure he still needs regarding their deaths, which has not
happened yet.

Only when he does those things will he truly be ready to come back
to life, and be whole again, but for now, I am content with what has
happened. He has taken the first real step to healing, and has
reached out for contact, and for love.

Everything else is just a matter of time.

It is fortunate, then, that I am a man of vast amounts of patience.
I am willing to wait as long as it takes to get what I want,
provided the payoff is worth it.

I want my brave, loyal, beautiful Gryffindor back to his usual self.
I want him whole again, and able to live his life on his terms.

And I will wait a lifetime, if that\'s what it takes.

Because, in the end, the payoff is more than worth it.

And so is he.

Love always is.

~~*~~