Far Away, So Close

A/N: This fic explains how I believe how Tonks/Remus developed, still believing that Remus had been deeply in love with Sirius before his death. Takes place at the very start of HBP, around Harry\'s birthday. Hope you like!

Disclaimer: I do not own or intend to mislead people into thinking that I own any of these characters or the world of Harry Potter, and I am using them without official permission in this fic for entertainment purposes only. The world and characters of Harry Potter belong to the lovely JK Rowling, Scholastic, and Warner Bros., and no copyright infringement is intended.

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Far Away, So Close


Remus Lupin didn\'t use metaphors for sex when talking \'Quidditch\' with the other guys. He didn\'t dribble butterbeer down his robes (despite how shabby they usually were, she was at least certain they were laundered). He didn\'t forget to say \"Good morning\" or ask how you were doing before he launched into his day. Remus Lupin wasn\'t like other men Nymphadora Tonks knew.

He was a werewolf, for starters, who\'d only had eyes for her cousin Sirius Black before his death in the Department of Mysteries less than a month ago. This was well known among his intimate friends - that Remus and Sirius had had a history as lovers before he\'d been wrongly imprisoned. Tonks had mourned alongside him this entire time.

She, Tonks, was what other people summarized as \"tha\' one\'s only interested in women, far as I can tell, so quit wastin\' your time\" - though she had never placed herself under the restrictions of being labeled. Like the color of her hair or the shape of her nose, Tonks needed the freedom to be whatever she fancied, on a whim. Those people weren\'t wrong. Tonks had only ever dated and slept with women - girls she had met at a Muggle pub or witches\' social gatherings.

But if she had chosen not to be classified into a preference, why did it seem like her thoughts recently were betraying her? Why was she sitting in the kitchen of the Burrow late that night, taking inventory of what she knew about Remus? Tonks watched Remus pour tea for her with all the manners of... well, a woman. They were the last ones up and the house was creaking as it settled from a day bustling with people.

\"I suppose you heard about Amelia Bones,\" he said, making conversation in a hushed tone as to not disturb sleepers. Polite, she noticed, instead of feeling the impact of a dead woman\'s name. \"I have to wonder how you\'re handling this, Tonks, a new Auror and all. I remember how it used to be, but you... well.\"

Tonks rubbed her eyes wearily, without grace or poise, like a child who didn\'t think of such things. She was tired - genuinely fatigued, and recently it became harder and harder to feel energized during the day. Her mind felt unusually burdened by everything going on.

\"I\'m here, and I\'m helping the Order to fight this, that\'s all I know.\" Tonks grinned drowsily at Remus and considered their age difference. He was old enough to be her uncle, she thought, or a much older cousin. He looked weary, yes, perhaps from sleepless nights since Sirius\'s death. But not old, she decided.

His scars. They were not like Harry\'s famous scar. They were small, shiny and pinkish, like rips in the armor that may have normally concealed his vulnerabilities. It was the way Remus didn\'t try to hide them that made her want to study him more. Since they had been spending time together in the Order, she\'d begun the strange habit of counting the ones on Remus that were visible. Twenty-two small, puffy marks later, and Tonks had realized she wanted to count the ones no one else could see.

Tonks decided she was an oddball, and chocked it up to that. She was drawn to eccentricity, and Remus was as unordinary as they came - yes, that had to be it.

\"That time of the month pretty soon, I reckon,\" Tonks changed the subject, rather tactlessly. \"How are you making it by with the new Wolfsbane?\" Oh, way to go. Put it that way, why don\'t you.

Remus\'s face turned a little grayer, though his eyes were still friendly, even amused at her candor. \"Just fine...good enough. Though, honestly, nothing compares to the potions Severus used to brew for me at Hogwarts.\"

Tonks gave a quiet \"Ha\" in response, and they both understood that his words also meant Severus Snape wasn\'t around as much recently and couldn\'t be bothered with helping another Order member with a private problem. More serious matters, Dumbledore had excused.

\"Listen, I\'ve been meaning to ask you something,\" said Tonks, hesitating slightly. \"Dumbledore wants me to make a stop by Grimmauld Place, search around for a few things we may have left behind. You knew...that place...better than I did, what with which things not to touch or sneeze at. You can say no, Remus, but would you mind coming with me?\" She sounded as though she was genuinely sorry about asking. Taking Remus to Grimmauld Place was like intentionally pouring salt on fresh wounds.

He inhaled deeply, then raised his mug to take a sip. \"He\'s right, I\'m afraid,\" said Remus, resigned. \"I should go with you.\"

She half-grinned at him then put her hand to rest upon his. It was smooth and warm - much warmer than her own hand, which had nails colored in a blue that shimmered magically like water. Tonks suddenly felt self-conscious, as though her nails were inappropriate in such grave and miserable times. It was a new feeling for her.

\"I can get away the day after tomorrow,\" she suggested, and Remus nodded. When Tonks pulled her hand away, she slipped it under the table and silently morphed her nails back to their natural color.

***

The next day Tonks had to report for a full day of debriefings and trainings at the Department of Mysteries. Everything had a different air to it now that You-Know-Who had returned and the Ministry was calling for a swift replacement for Cornelius Fudge. They\'d hired a bloke named Scrimgeour, and he was far more heavy handed. Her responsibilities were increasing daily. It seemed like each week another person from some department was pronounced missing, or murdered.

That\'s why she was more than grateful when a colleague of hers, Moira from the Invisibility Task Force, leaned in during one of the meetings and whispered in her ear, \"Let\'s loosen up a bit tonight. There\'s this nightclub near my flat.\"

Tonks nodded and whispered back, \"Love to. Nine?\" Moira nodded approvingly and grinned. Tonks just mouthed the words \'thank you\' at her.

***

After a quick freshening up at her own flat, Tonks dressed in her favorite Muggle clothes for a night out, and made the effort to grow out a perfect Bettie Page cut that she studied from an old magazine of her father\'s. She\'d gone too long without having a bit of fun, she thought. It wasn\'t good for her sense of adventure to keep her defenses up every second of the day.

Tonks met up with Moira at the nightclub, which ended up being one she\'d been to once before because it was frequented by other witches and wizards. The Muggles there were just as oddly dressed - down to the occasional boy who wore women\'s clothes and eye make-up, except on purpose. The thrum of the dance music lured them in, and Tonks let herself loosen up, the beat steamrolling over her heavy thoughts. Moira was soon gone from her side, waving goodbye as some good-looking boy in eye shadow pulled her away.

Dancing in pulse with the rest of the crowd, Tonks had just closed her eyes and found her zone when she\'d felt another body sliding against her stomach, straddling her thigh in rhythm to the music. She opened them and discovered the body held a lovely face, that of an incredibly gorgeous woman with loosely draping blonde hair. The woman was grinning suggestively at Tonks.

Tonks discovered right away the woman was also a witch, because she pulled a wand out of her tight bodice and tapped it over their heads before sliding it back between her breasts. The spell quieted the music all around them, enough so their voices could be heard, though everyone in the crowd except them were unaffected.

\"I haven\'t seen you here before,\" the blonde said, her voice dripping with flirtation. \"I\'d have remembered. I\'m Iris.\" Tonks grinned back, half smirking. She might have been there before, but probably looked a lot different. The woman slid her hips even closer to Tonks\'s, matching her rhythm like a heartbeat. Tonks didn\'t mind. The woman, who was a few years her senior, was incredibly sexy, and handsomely pneumatic in the right places. The stirrings of attraction filled her like the strum of the music. Merlin, she had missed that feeling - lust, pure and uncomplicated.

\"Tonks,\" she replied, bravely grabbing Iris\'s hips as they swayed with her own. \"And I think you\'ve just made my night.\"

They hadn\'t made it far on their walk to Tonks\'s flat before clothes started to be ripped away, hands eagerly cupping the damp patches of fabric that separated burning palms from swollen clits. The warm July air begged them to stay outside longer in the inviting darkness.

Tonks pushed Iris against a wall in an alley that was halfway illuminated by an orange hued streetlamp. She clumsily fumbled to release the zipper on Iris\'s pants, but soon slipped her hand under the taut fabric of her knickers. The blonde moaned under her firm kiss as Tonks began to stroke her clit.

Hoping to make this as fun as possible, Tonks pulled her mouth away from Iris, sucking on her tongue. She grinned then lowered herself onto her knees, pulling Iris\'s pants and knickers down just far enough. In the darkness, Tonks let her tongue guide her to Iris\'s engorged clit between the folds and began flicking rhythmically on that focused area which made Iris moan louder. Tonks slid a finger inside her moistened cunt and Iris came within moments. It was all Tonks could do to hold herself back from orgasming from the eroticism of it. They both giggled under their panting breaths as Iris\'s last \"Oh yeah...\" echoed through the alley.

Tonks stood up. She could see Iris grinning at her in the hazy lamplight as she zipped up her pants and pulled Tonks in for a deep kiss. Iris\'s hands writhed up underneath Tonks\'s thin shirt and found her erect nipples, rolling them lightly between her tongue and teeth. Tonks caught a gasp in her throat from the pleasure. They quickly traded places, and Iris had Tonks\'s skirt hiked up, stroking her clit while lapping playfully at her exposed nipple. Tonks shuddered, and came on Iris\'s hand, which had one finger still stroking in and out of her cunt.

Pulling her skirt down and catching her breath for a second time, Tonks said, \"Wotcher, Iris. Nice to meet you too.\" They both smiled, adjusting their clothes.

\"Is this where I tell you that I\'m actually engaged to be married tomorrow and I can never see you again,\" Iris said, folding her arms and glancing at Tonks sideways. Tonks jerked her head upwards in surprise, meeting Iris\'s eyes. She looked obviously crestfallen. \"I\'m kidding! So, do you live around here?\" Iris said with a giggle.

\"Not really,\" said Tonks. \"The friend who dragged me here does. But one more go like that, and my legs\'ll give out. I\'ll have to be dragged back home on the Knight Bus.\" Tonks leaned in to give Iris a lingering kiss. She found it returned warmly.

***

The next morning Tonks awoke groggy from a lack of sleep, but elated from a most pleasant shag with a lovely woman the night before. Iris had promised they could meet up again at the same club that Saturday, and left her in that alley to apparate home. Tonks departed her flat in a cheerful mood, light in her step and blue on her fingernails once again.

Later when she accompanied Remus to Grimmauld Place, he couldn\'t help but notice that she seemed rosier than usual. They\'d apparated a few blocks from the house, in case they happened to be followed. It might give them time to shake off someone on their trail.

\"You\'ll have to tell me all about her,\" Remus said out of nowhere as they turned the corner to Grimmauld Place. He grinned widely when she blushed, and Tonks noticed it was the first time she\'d seen his old smile return since Sirius was still alive. \"Go on. Could Nymphadora Tonks have possibly met someone?\"

\"Don\'t call me that,\" she wrinkled up her nose, still grinning. \"Her name is Iris, and I get to see her again this weekend.\"

\"Ms. Tonks,\" began Remus, teasingly. \"Will this be with or without the woman\'s clothing?\" She punched him in the arm lightly, and then flung her arm around his waist in a friendly manner. Their laughter got them safely to the hidden doorstep of Number 12, saved from any heavy silences or conversation about what gloominess they would surely endure once they entered Sirius\'s old home.

The interior of the House of Black seemed to have accumulated dust at a faster rate than usual since the Order had deserted it. Some things seemed to have been left in suspended animation, since nearly everyone had dropped everything to run to Dumbledore\'s side at the Department of Mysteries.

\"Molly\'d be in a right state about how dirty it\'s become,\" Tonks commented as they entered the kitchen area. Dishes were piled high and there was a plate sitting out encrusted with rotted food. \"Not that I expected Kreacher to do any cleaning.\"

Lighting a few candles with his wand, Remus said \"He\'s under Harry\'s employment now, did you know? This whole place is Harry\'s, Dumbledore said.\" He ran his hand through his hair, concerned. \"This great moldy house is probably the last thing he\'d want.\"

Tonks glanced at him, trying to gauge whether or not he looked up to their task. She reluctantly resigned to let him tell her if he wasn\'t - but she wouldn\'t go bringing it up. The soft light on his hardened features lent him an appeal that Tonks scolded herself for even thinking about in a time like this. Poor bloke.

\"I\'ll take the upstairs bedrooms,\" she offered, hoping to save him the pain of going through Sirius\'s belongings. \"If you take the attic. Allergies.\" She smiled at Remus, who nodded in agreement at her transparent attempt.

Her search through the house proved mostly uneventful. The drapes were re-infested with doxies, and something new and oozy had moved in to the desk where the Boggart had once resided. Tonks found a few objects of interest that the house elf had left behind, probably in an attempt to avoid housework. An old magical sewing kit of Molly\'s was still in her bureau (it tried to prick her when she picked it up), and Hermione had left behind a velvet sack filled with ancient runes. They weren\'t especially important, but they\'d be missed.

In Sirius\'s room a single, faint stream of light made it through the narrow window shrouded by thinning drapes. She stood in the middle of the room and glanced around, breathing in and out to center herself. Sirius isn\'t here. It held an odd and sad resonance, that room, as though she expected her late cousin to turn the corner any minute and tell her that girls weren\'t allowed.

This room was even sparser than the others. The only thing sitting out on Sirius\'s nightstand was a small wooden box, engraved with the Black family crest. Tonks opened it and thought it empty at first, but something fell out and fluttered to the floor. She knelt down and picked up the photograph, and saw the face of a much-younger Sirius staring back at her, an annoyed look on his face. He was standing next to his brother Regulus, rolling his eyes and struggling to stand properly beside him without touching shoulders. They both had to be about seventeen.

Tonks smiled reminiscently. \"What git made you pose for this one?\" she said aloud, chuckling. A sudden wave of longing swept over her - she\'d barely gotten to know Sirius again. If only she could see him one more time.

She wasn\'t sure why she did it - probably because she could and nobody was there to tell her how mad it really was. Tonks turned to the dusty mirror on the wall, grasping the photo. Focusing on his young, still wickedly handsome face, Tonks began morphing her features. Her hair shortened, eyes darkened, and face grew more angled, until the reflection staring back at her was a young Sirius Black.

Tonks let out a gasp then laughed softly, stroking her new face in amusement - as if it were a private joke between her and her cousin. \"Between you and me, we horded all the good looks in the family,\" she told herself, her voice still female.

\"Yes, you did,\" Remus said from behind Tonks. She spun around, startled, and was struck dumb for a moment while Remus stared at her in bittersweet awe. Suddenly she felt ridiculous, embarrassed, and a blush crept over her face. How could you be so insensitive when you knew Remus was around?

Shaking off the morph in a matter of seconds, Tonks averted her eyes from Remus and tried walking past him. \"I\'m so sorry, Remus,\" she muttered. He reached out to stop her, grasping her arm firmly.

At first he didn\'t say anything, but Tonks met his gaze and knew immediately what he was thinking. It was nearly unimaginable. The look on his face was both one of intense despair and the joy of what could be. \"No, please,\" was all he could mutter. \"I haven\'t seen him in so long. Not that Sirius.\"

Tonks gave him a hesitant smile. She stared into his penetrating eyes, alight with possibility, not afraid to put himself through hell because he had hope he\'d make it through the next morning. She nodded.

Holding out the picture again, she closed her eyes in concentration. A second later, the morph was complete, and she opened her Sirius eyes to see Remus staring back at her, inching closer. He reached out his hands, and stroked them through Tonks\'s hair - Sirius\'s hair. The longing in his face spoke of how hungry he was for this, and for the first time she imagined what it must be like to be in love with someone.

Now that she\'d done the crazy thing, what she did next didn\'t seem so mad in context. Grabbing Remus\' hand, she - he - kissed his palm tenderly. He pulled Lupin closer and their faces brushed as he nuzzled his nose against Remus, feeling his breath on Sirius\'s lips. They were so close. He closed the distance, bringing Remus to his lips and kissing him tenderly. He could taste the salt on his lips from Remus\'s tears. Soon Remus was kissing him harder, feverishly - satisfying a hunger that had gone negleted for years. Their tongues met, and Remus was drinking him in, gorging himself on Sirius.

There was a stirring deep in Tonks, perhaps because this was the strangest yet most kinky thing she\'d ever done. But it wasn\'t like what she felt with Iris the night before. It was, for now, without form. Maybe later she would understand, but all that mattered was that deep, warm kiss with Remus in that moment.

They broke apart slowly, and Remus stepped backward, his eyes still closed. Tonks shed the Sirius morph, though her hair did not go back to the wavy black do she\'d been donning since the night before. It hung plainly around her face - her natural hair color not dissimilar to Sirius\'s. When she glanced up, Remus was still there. He was smiling.

Tonks handed Remus the photograph of Sirius and Regulus, though Regulus was temporarily missing and Sirius had his arms crossed like he\'d be damned if he was going to share the frame space again. He glanced at it fondly, then put it in his pocket.

\"Always was a snarky bastard,\" said Remus. \"Thank you. It means a lot to me.\"

\"Yeah, I know it,\" she replied confidently, smiling to herself. She traipsed past Remus to leave the room. As she did, she playfully messed up the back of his hair. \"Let\'s get going. This places stinks worse than Snape\'s Potions dungeon.\"

***

Remus and Tonks didn\'t really need to speak of what happened that day at Grimmauld Place, not for a while. But she felt more relaxed around him now, as though they\'d come to an understanding about their respective odd tendencies. Tonks was glad to have a friend - a companion during these times - that she felt like she could tell anything to.

The weekend rolled around and Tonks was gleefully looking forward to her so-called date with Iris. On Saturday she made her way back to the nightclub, but when she arrived she found the scene in disarray. People - wizards and Muggles alike - were scurrying out of the club, some of them with faces twisted in panic. She heard sirens in the distance, and the distinct lack of booming club music made it all the more peculiar. Her Auror instincts kicked in, and she immediately wondered if Iris was inside, and if she was safe.

Tonks pulled out her wand and tried to force her way against the flow of bodies into the club - it would be too risky to apparate when she had no idea what it looked like inside. Suddenly she heard a loud scream from the inside, and the flow of people turned into a stampede. She stumbled back when a woman collided with her, and fell backwards to the floor. It was Iris.

Scrambling to her feet, Tonks grabbed Iris and pulled her away from the surge of fleeing people at the entrance, one hand holding out her wand. Iris jerked away as though Tonks was a stranger, but a look of recognition dawned on her when she glanced up.

\"Oh, it\'s you,\" said Iris, also holding out her wand. \"I didn\'t recognize you.\"

\"What\'s going on, Iris? Are you alright?\" she demanded. When she looked at Iris more clearly, she noticed the blonde was wearing a normal dark cloak instead of Muggle clothes, and didn\'t seem nearly as upset as everyone else.

\"Grand,\" she said, glancing over her shoulder. \"Something\'s come up. I can\'t explain, but maybe you should get out of here.\" As soon as she said it, a loud explosion rang into the night, followed by smoke and greenish flames from the back of the alley beside the club. More blood-curdling screams could be heard.

\"I have to do something. That\'s definitely wizard trouble,\" Tonks said. She took a hold of Iris\'s shoulders, ignoring her previous words. \"It\'s alright, I\'m an Auror, and I need to get more of us here, fast.\"

Iris didn\'t move, and when Tonks turned to her, her face had changed. She looked terribly let down. It was almost too late by the time Tonks started putting the clues together. There was a reason Iris wasn\'t leaving, or panicking. Tonks\'s wand was in front of her before Iris could make any move.

\"I really liked you, honestly,\" said Iris, genuinely disappointed. \"But they\'ll know. They\'ll kill me if I don\'t, well, you see...\" Iris raised her wand and was about to mutter a curse when a jet of light shot from behind Tonks, sending the Death Eater flying several feet. Tonks spun around to find Charlie Weasley running toward her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Emmaline Vance and Kingsley Shacklebolt pushing their way through the crowd, wands out and headed toward the source of the explosion.

By the time Tonks turned around, Iris was nowhere to be seen. Charlie was breathing heavy when he caught up to her. \"We came as fast as we could. Are you alright?\" he asked.

\"Yes, but,\" she wanted to explain that Iris was a Death Eater, but it was pointless. \"We need to help Kingsley and Emmaline. Where\'re the others?\"

\"They\'ll be here soon,\" said Charlie. A second later there was another loud \'boom\' of an explosion, and the fleeing club-goers shrieked in terrified unison. Hovering over their heads high in the sky was the ghostly green outline of the Dark Mark. It could only mean one thing.

***

Tonks took a much-needed day off the following Monday. The weight of the weekend\'s events was catching up to her, now that the adrenaline of containing the situation had passed. There were casualties, but right now that was supposed to fuel her desire to keep fighting with the Order. It wasn\'t working that well.

Molly Weasley offered Tonks refuge at the Burrow for an overnight stay and tending to, especially after she\'d learned about Iris. Tonks was very grateful for the hospitality, and was glad to be there to welcome Harry back from his aunt and uncle\'s house the next day. The entire time she was there, however, she found all she could do was sit and weep and blow her nose loudly, which she was certain was annoying everyone in the house. Once the toughness left her, all that was left of Tonks were those stupid raw emotions to deal with.

Back at her own flat, Tonks took a long, relaxing bath and made herself a pot of tea. She was entertaining the thought of ditching the tea for an entire bottle of Firewhiskey when a knock came at her door. Tonks pulled out her wand to be cautious, and opened the door. She found Remus on her doorstep. In one hand he held up a paper sack bulging with some treat inside, and in the other he held a few thinly bound books.

\"How about some chocolate, followed by Roald Dahl?\" he proposed. \"Muggle children\'s classics, read aloud by a werewolf.\"

Tonks grinned widely and ushered him in. She\'d never been so glad to see anyone as Remus just then. He hugged her warmly, an embrace that seemed to rejuvenate her.

\"Oh, that\'s perfect,\" she said into his shoulder. Nothing was going to be sane anymore, she realized. It would be confusing, disappointing, and perhaps sometimes oddly delightful. Maybe they\'d make it in the end. Tonks took the chocolate from Remus and plopped down on her sofa, ready for the story to unfold.