Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Potterverse

The original PPC, run by Jay and Acacia, can be found here. http://oddlots.digitalspace.net/PPC/

This first chapter was the setup from a long time ago, with Agents Dorian and Sarah. They did some good work, but it never got further than their first mission. Then they went on a mission with some friends and got their ASSES beat quite badly, a chunk of writing I do not have and cannot find, but I have the before and after. >.>\'\'


The room was pretty big, with most of one wall taken up by a huge computer and another by a huge wooden desk covered in papers and shiny little things. Two chairs, one wooden and tall and stiff, the other a giant La-Z-Boy that could have convinced a dead man to give up rigor mortis, were stationed in the room. Walls and ceiling were colored a dark gray and the floor tiled in black - all the easier to clean blood up - and the door had about thirty locks on it. There were no windows, but the sole door was all that was needed; scribed into its lintel were a dozen sigils that hurt the eye to look at. If one knew how, one could have opened that door on nearly anywhere in any known universe. Sparing a moment to be thankful for the impossible physics of Paradise City, the two new agents exchanged looks as the female shut the door behind them.

\"So just -how- did you connect Paradise City to PPC headquarters?\" Dorian asked, dropping a rucksack to the floor with a careless motion. He had a compelling voice, the kind of voice one thought about when they thought of a siren. He was drop-dead gorgeous and damned well knew it, more than accustomed to stealing the heart of whomever he damned well pleased and killing them later. He fell back into the wooden chair, sprawling over the high-backed affair without a care. He flipped a lock of his long, wavy golden hair over one shoulder, peering up at Sarah with curiosity obvious in his blue eyes. One slender, long-fingered hand graced with all the callouses of a true pirate brushed invisible dirt from his tight black pants, the only thing he wore in his \'lazy\' mode. He had that air of immortal beauty, his age impossible to guess other than \'older than Sarah\'.

She grinned, flinging her backpack under the desk with such force that it slid on and crashed into the wall. \"Honestly, if I could figure it out scientifically, I\'d either jinx it and prevent the entire thing from working in the first place, or get a few Nobel prizes, and my money\'s on the latter. I\'ll just blame Topaz and Connor for it and pretend it\'s nowhere near bizarre to walk from the city in my closet to PPCville.\" A short girl who was nowhere near anorexic, Sarah was about as sane as a drunken monkey, and it showed, particularly in her wardrobe. Today she had on a pair of tie-dyed pink and purple jeans and a t-shirt in dark orange that read \"got guilt?\" with a little image of a redhead on it. Altogether, it was almost as blinding an ensemble as her personality. She turned toward the computer, humming under her breath as she leaned over to prod at the controls, green eyes bright with a manic sort of ecstasy. \"We get shinies, we get to kill, we get shinies to push out the windowsill,\" she sang, ignoring Dorian\'s disgusted sigh. A sixteen year old was more than entitled to her whacked-ness. After several minutes of fiddling with it, the blonde rolled his eyes.

\"Why don\'t you call Makes-Things in?\" Dorian wanted to know, regarding his partner like she was an idiot. She might have been, but she didn\'t really care. She turned beck to him, grinning widely as she shoved her thick braid of chestnut hair over her shoulder. \"\'Cause it\'s kind of rude to impose on our first day out, and I\'ve been working with computers since I was about two. I think I can make it work. Besides,\" she said, tweaking one last button, \"I think I\'ve about got it.\"

The girl took a step back, a proud smile on her face as she gestured to the console a la Vanna White. \"Ta-da!\" she caroled. Dorian was about to grudgingly congratulate her when a deafening screeching filled the air.

Giving an agitated howl, Sarah flung herself on the computer, desperately smacking buttons as the wailing got louder. Dorian was having none of that, though, and stood, stalking over to the console and yanking out the powercord with one smooth movement. The cacophony died, and Sarah rolled off the console, landing on the floor with a loud and rather painful sounding \'THUNK\'.

She glared up at Dorian, eyes alive with anger. \"I almost had it! And NOW we\'ve lost the info!\" She was about to launch into a full-out tirade when Dorian knelt in front of her, pressing a finger to her lips.

\"Who spruced up the computer for us?\" he asked lightly, as though that was supposed to explain everything.

\"Topaz and Connor. Mostly Topaz. What\'s -that- got to do with it?\" she demanded in irritation.

Dorian sighed. Did he have to spell EVERYTHING out? \"Would Topaz ever let you have access to something that wouldn\'t work properly after being abruptly turned off?\" he inquired, well knowing Sarah\'s tendency to kick her computer or simply turn it off if it angered her.

\"...Probably not,\" Sarah said sheepishly, grinning. Her anger melted away with a sudden flash of hyperactive bipolarity. \"So that means it\'s special and stuff?\" she asked, hopping to her feet and bouncing back to the console.

Dorian rolled his eyes, rising gracefully and settling back into his chair. \"Of course it\'s special. It -was- built in Paradise City, after all, and anything that comes from a city in your closet is going to be special. Little yellow bus special, maybe, but special.\"

\"Yeah, yeah, whatever,\" Sarah said distractedly, flipping a few more switches before plugging the computer back in. \"There! NOW I\'ve got it. Makes me glad I took mod tech and was in that eckeltronics -\"

\"Electronics.\"

\"-Eckeltronics mod.\" She seated herself in the luxury of an armchair and leaned forward, fingers skittering over the console\'s keypad with frightening speed. \"Let\'s see... call for alarm... oh! That wasn\'t even an incoming story, just the computer testing out its vocal cords, as it were,\" she informed Dorian, who made a face that said he wasn\'t too surprised. Then the blonde frowned thoughtfully.

\"Sarah...\" he said slowly, regarding her with confusion evident in his cerulean eyes. \"Just what are we working on, anyway?\"

\"Oh, like department-wise? Well, we don\'t really have an official designation yet. In other words, anything and everything we can get away with,\" she grinned, winking at him as she spun around in the chair whose physical reality had just shifted to accomodate a twisty-pole. It was -so- nice to be able to manipulate reality here. There would be no such conveniences once they got started.

Dorian sweatdropped. \"Why am I not surprised?\" he muttered. Sarah was about to reply when there was a knock at the door. She frowned, glancing at Dorian as she leapt to her feet. Who would be here? Who even knew this place existed yet? Paradise City\'s reality was very mutable, and so when new places popped up in the City they were nearly impossible to find unless you knew -precisely- what you were looking for and exactly where to find it.

She pulled the door open, ready to tell whoever it was to sod off. Upon seeing whom it was, however, she blinked and shut her mouth before opening it again. \"Gyah?\" she asked intelligently.

The young man standing there managed a pained, shy smile. He looked quite a bit like Dorian - the same willowy frame that would have suited a sapling, thick, wavy blonde hair to his ass, and a breaktaking beauty. However, his eyes were a different shade of blue, more like the autumn sky, and he was much shorter, only an inch or two taller than Sarah\'s meager five feet and three inches. He didn\'t look any older than sixteen, but he probably was; time flowed quite strangely in Paradise City. In fact, it was a world-wide myth that time had any sort of flow to it. Around here, it stopped and started as it damned well pleased, in no part spurred on by the magical experiments in the Tower. Sarah spared a moment\'s thought to curse Kieran for -ever- having anything to do with Kanil; the space-time continuum of her city-world had never suffered like that before and probably wouldn\'t again. Then she shook her random thought away and smiled warmly at the boy, still wondering what in the -hells- he was doing there. \"Skye? What is it?\" she asked softly.

Dorian perked up. Skye? That meant he\'d have someone to torment, or, at the very least, bother some. He rose gracefully, floating over behind Sarah to peer out the door at Skye with a wicked little smirk on his angelically beautiful face. Sarah elbowed him without even looking, knowing him far too well to suspect he was doing anything but precisely what he -was- doing.

Skye bit his lip. \"Kieran sent me over with some things he said he thought might hwlp you,\" he said softly, holding up a bag. Sarah grinned and shoved Droain out of the way, backing up and gesturing for Skye to enter. \"C\'mon in, then, and let\'s have a look. Did he send any lasave powder?\" she asked hopefully, taking the bag from im and plunking it on the desk.

The boy eyed Dorian nervously and stood on Sarah\'s other side. \"I-I think so. I\'m not sure. He said that he and Ori had worked out some new things just for you two and this whole assassin thing.\"

Sarah nodded gleefully, more wrapped up in the bag of goodies than in keeping Dorian from smirking at poor Skye. She did, however, snag Dor by the arm and yank him closer. \"Here,\" she said, shoving a fat leather pouch at him. \"Take this. Wrap it up in something and pack with the rest of the gear. And make sure it\'s waterproofed. A drop of water on that stuff\'ll level the entire City.\" Dorian eyed here like she was nuts, but turned to do as she said, leaving Skye to take a deep breath of relief as the girl plunged her hands into the bag again, looking like a kid in a candy store whose credit card had just been issued.

By the time she had emptied the bag, there was a tidy bit of intruiging things before her, the least of which were hinged adamantite manacles with double locks. She held those up with a wide smile, turning to show them to Dorian. \"Look, babe, Kie even sent us some -fun- toys!\" she crowed. Skye turned an interesting shade of red and said nothing as Dorian rolle his eyes. Sarah shrugged, accustomed to being discounted, and turned back to the pile. It consisted mostly of spare q-cell batteries, a remote control miniature tank, assorted poisons, a large vial of Kolar, and what looked vaguely like a Character Anaylsis Device but was most certainly not. Sarah occupied herself with investigating it, sitting on the floor and fiddling with it with a single-minded intensity that would have been frightening were it a gun. This of course left Dorian to smirk at Skye and Skye to shift nervously.

Finally, Dorian spoke, wandering closer to Skye. \"I don\'t suppose you\'ll be joining us on any of these little outings, hmm?\" he inquired lightly, draping an arm over Skye\'s shoulders. The boy flinched and shook his head. \"N-no. I\'ll stay here, thanks. And I should probably be getting back to the Tower,\" he said hastily, ducking out from under Dorian\'s arm and making a beeline for the door. Dorian just smiled slowly, eyes never leaving Skye. \"You do that,\" he purred. Skye swallowed and bolted out the door, gone like sunshine in a storm. Dorian permitted himself a light chuckle. It was incredibly satisfying to scare Skye, despite the fact that it was absurdly simple to do so. He settled back into his chair, taking a moment to relax while Sarah was busy.

The Narrative Laws of Comedy weren\'t having any of that, though, and the computer cleared its electronic throat with a cough. \"Hey, you\'ve got a mission,\" it said friendily. No answer. \"Guys? There\'s a major M-S on the loose here...\" Unfortunately, Sarah was Occupied and Dorian was an asshole, so it went unheeded. The computer mutered to itself. \"Now I know why the others just start screaming right off. HEY FUCKWADS!\"

Sarah looked up, finally startled from her obsessive trance. \"Wha huh huh?\" she asked. Dorian shrugged. \"Computer\'s talking to you.\"

Green eyes lit up. \"Topaz made it TALK?\" she demanded, sounding utterly delighted.

\"Of course I talk. Now come take care of this story. It desperately needs to die,\" the computer said, imparting the electronic impression of a shudder. \"Check out the Words.\"

Sarah leapt to her feet and flew toward the console, braid flying behind her. Leaning over it excitedly, she peered down at their first assignment.

A moment later, all enthusiasm had vanished. This... this needed to be stopped. This needed to be printed out for the sole purpose of burning. Struck wordless by the sheer Wrongness of it all, she motioned Dorian over.

Despite being a complete and utter evil prick (he -was- a demon, after all), Dorian knew better than to disobey Sarah, and he stood, resting a hand on her shoulder as he examined the Words.

The hardened pirate, who\'d grown up loving to shed blood, paled and swallowed hard. \"Dear Umberlee,\" he whispered, stricken. Sarah nodded soberly, taking a step back and mechanically collecting up her gear, making sure to methodically pack away the newest toys. Dorian took a deep breath, turning and scooping up his satchel as Sarah turned to the computer, pressing in codes for their disguises. The computer obliged, illusions springing up about them.

Sarah walked up to the door, shutting it completely and locking each and every lock upon it. Laying one hand on either side of the frame, she shut her eyes. \"Take me -there-,\" she ordered it. Reality twisted with a gut-wrenching leap and the entire door and frame vanished to be replaced by a curtain of leaves and greenery.

Dorian stepped up behind her, looking about as sober as he ever got. \"Let\'s go.\"

It was time.


*** Dun dun DUN! TBC ^_^ ***




Much time later, after a particularly bad venture into the land of L.J. Smith Sues....

This is a PPC-style parody of \"A story by any other name\" from ff.net by aussieportstar. I took one look at this drivel and decided it needed to die. Slowly. With much torment beforehand. So here we have Dorian and the newest recruit out to kill one Samantha Turner....


A Story By A Really Sucky Name

A loud groan echoed through the Paradise City response center. \"I forgot we left it like this,\" Sarah whimpered, regarding the damage with a \'please gods spare me\' look on her face. Shifting her right arm in its sling, she grimaced. \"And now that I\'m half out of commission, can\'t write, can hardly type, and can barely -cast-...\" She didn\'t look happy, not at all. Ripped, abused clothing covered her body, which was, but for the crushed bones of her wrist, mostly healed. Dorian, being the wise lil demon he was, said nothing from where he stood behind her. He looked to be in little better condition than the girl, but he forewent complaining and merely settled into his chair with a low sigh. Sarah turned to look at him, brought back from painful ruminations of the sad state of their twisted little department. \"But I can fix it. This -is-, after all, my city, and reality\'s not so... y\'know... solid... here.\" All her irritation was wiped away in an instant, and she shot him a wide grin, lifting her uninjured left hand to point up at the ceiling.

Dorian watched impassively as she hummed to herself. Dust swirled up from the floor and vanished into the cracks of wall and roof; broken glass healed itself in reverse motion. Soon the response center was as good as new, even the scorch marks on the floor faded, and Sarah dropped her hand, smirking triumphantly. \"Gods, but I love owning this place. It\'s not godplaying in your own universe, now, is it?\"

A snort greeted that, and Dorian leaned back in his chair as Sarah flopped into hers. \"Yes, it is, but it can hardly be contested. And don\'t get too comfortable; even if you\'re not on active duty, the console is still set to receive, and I, for one, do not relish another adventure in the field so soon.\" He rubbed at the back of his neck, at the healed mass of scar-tissue. He\'d nearly had his throat torn out, damn Damon. If he\'d been able to fight back, he would have been fine, but no, no harm done to canons. So here he was with the biggest, ugliest scar of his career, and on his -neck-. It pissed him off to no end.

Sarah just sighed, green eyes fixed on the fingertips just visible at the end of the cast encasing her right arm and wrist. The bones would never be quite the same again, not after the crushing they\'d received, and she was still rather depressed over her complete inability to write. \"I always said I should learn to write better with my left hand,\" she murmured to herself, almost oblivious to Dorian\'s equally rhetorial musings. This really did kind of suck. She wasn\'t allowed in the field until she was fully healed, although with the much-less dense bones of a fae, the crumbled ruin of her wrist was knitting at a rapid pace. Dorian would probably end going back out there without her, and she wasn\'t sure who she\'d send with him. There were certainly people enough in her city, trustworthy and capable, but those with brain enough to pull it off would have brain enough to say \"Are you frelling NUTS?!?\", so that left her in a bit of a tight spot. The best option she could think of was Wraith, and she doubted that Dorian would want his son out in the field. Oh, well, they\'d find someone, even if she had to wander out to the cemetery and raise someone from the dead. Sky would have enjoyed such an adventure. Maybe Shannon... nah, too green, and no practical weaponry training, even if he was one hell of a little street skirmisher. Honestly, if she had been able to have anyone to cover her back (aside from the obvious Dorian) it -would- have been Wraith. She glanced up at Dorian, who was staring blindly out the window that hadn\'t been there before she\'d \'repaired\'.

\"Hey Dor?\" she said tentatively. He looked over at her, looking wary just at the tone of her voice. That tone said she was about to suggest something he wouldn\'t like, not at all.

\"What?\" Dorian asked, sounding guarded.

Sarah winced. \"You\'re going to need someone in field with you when they call, which we know they will before I recover, and I want it to be Laeiryn.\"

Dorian blinked, cerulean eyes now resting on her with a mixture of disbelief and horror. \"You want to put -my son- out there?\" he asked softly, voice low and dangerous. Sarah just sighed, pushing a lock of hair out of her face.

\"No, I don\'t, but he\'s the best we\'ve got. He\'s trained and trained well and he\'ll listen to you, unlike me. He\'s smart and fast and he can fight much better than I can, almost as well as you, and it\'s the kind of thing he\'d really get a kick out of, assassination missions, even without any practical experience. He\'s twenty, Dorian, you can\'t shelter him forever. His face is known over an entire Earth-reality and if he can handle millions of psychotic groupies hoppin\' on the floor, he\'ll be fine in a \'Sue.\"

Dorian was glaring at his mistress, arms folded over his chest, but Sarah was staring back at him with a pained expression on her face. \"I\'d really rather not send him out there myself. I really like the little rascal and would like to see him make it through a century or twelve, but...\" She trailed off as Dorian sighed and looked away.

\"And if he doesn\'t want to?\" Dorian said lightly.

Sarah snorted at that. \"We both know how unlikely it is that he -won\'t- want to go wreak havoc and kill things in another world, but if he doesn\'t want to, then we\'ll find someone else.\" Dorian nodded, satisfied, and stood.

\"I\'ll go get him,\" he said, but Sarah waved a hand at him.

\"Sit down. He\'s already on his way,\" she said, sounding just a bit smug. Dorian sank back into his chair with a dirty look for her, but she just beamed angelically. \"It really helps that he\'s a telepathic vampire!\"

\"Only part,\" came the amused, quite extraordinary voice from the door that was just then swinging open. Laeiryn - or Wraith, as he was known to most - was leaning in the doorframe, grinning at them both with all the charm in his tall frame. And Laei was indeed tall, a couple inches taller than his father. In fact, he was more masculine than Dorian in nearly every way. He was not built like a willow tree; oh, no, he was an oak, solid and strong and muscled like a draft horse. He had broad shoulders and big hands whose fingertips were calloused by guitar string, and it was only that masculinity of his figure that made him identifiable as a man. He was very, very good looking; in fact, drop dead gorgeous didn\'t quite do him justice. He had skin so pale it was translucent and eyes such a light color they appeared to be silver. His features were somewhat Dorian\'s, but next to Ice, he\'d have looked more like him - which wasn\'t too odd, considering that Ice had been the other half of the DNA used to put him together. Long, curling waves of hair such a light platinum blonde it seemed silver tumbled down to Wraith\'s hips, and it was obvious why he called himself that; he looked enough like some spectre to make people wonder. He was clad in skintight white pants, presumably his usual Kevlar, and a long, flowing white coat made of the same material. Sans shirt, he cut a striking figure, white gloves covering the fingers that wielded adamithrium razor wire with skill. The only hints of color about him were full, ruby red lips, and the winking blue lapis stud in his right earlobe.

Seeing him there caused Sarah to bounce to her feet with a pleased cry. She glomped him with some amount of restraint for the arm in its sling against her chest, huggling the beautiful vampire-Defiler until he chuckled and peeled her off. \"Nice to see you, too,\" he purred sexily. She shivered - he could do that to almost anyone with that lovely voice of his - and grinned back at him, taking a step out of the way.

\"Isn\'t it though?\" she chirped. \"Not too much the worse for wear, even after my brush with arse-kickage.\" She gestured to the cast confining her right arm from fingertip to elbow with a grimace, and Dorian snorted at her as he wound his arms around his son.

\"Brush? That was more a head-on collision, for all those involved,\" Dorian muttered dryly.

Laeiryn laughed and snuggled into his father\'s hold with a pleased purr. \"Now you get to tell me all about it, and then, what I can expect when I\'m out there myself.\" He noted the surprised looks on both faces and grinned. \"Well, really, it\'s kind of obvious, and I -am- the best choice for the job...\"

Dorian snorted, but said nothing, and Sarah just grinned like the maniac she was. \"See, I told you he was smart! Smart enough to figure it out. So you\'re up for it? You\'re gonna help?\" She fixed Laeiryn with a pleading look, big green eyes threatening moisture.

Laeiryn threw up his hands. \"Whoa, whoa, put the big guns away, Sarah,\" he laughed. \"No need for the puppy eyes. I\'ll do it,\" he nodded, smiling. He glanced sideways at his father. \"And just because I\'m curious, how\'d she convince you to let me go?\"

Dorian sighed, cupping his son\'s cheek in his hand. \"By reminding me that you\'re not a baby and I can\'t keep you safe forever. At least if you\'re out there with me I can keep an eye on you myself,\" he said, sounding as though that were little consolation to him. Laeiryn just smiled with a warmth and affection that seemed a bit out of place with his ice-king look.

\"Don\'t worry, Daddy, I can take care of myself better than you\'d think,\" Laei murmured, leaning into the gentle touch. Sarah watched, riveted, unable to voice her barely-felt protest that as soon as they started making out the console would set up an outcry. She didn\'t really have any problems with Laeiryn\'s incestuous affairs - in fact, she was notorious for encouraging them - but really, it was bad timing incarnate.

However, Dorian and Laeiryn never got around to a \"hi Daddy, yes I\'m still your little slut\" kiss, because just to prove Sarah right, the console started screeching just at that moment. The vampire startled visibly, silver eyes searching for the source of the incredibly annoying noise, and he pressed his ear into Dorian\'s shoulder with an agonized whimper. \"Those -were- my eardrums,\" he whispered, drawing a pitying snicker from Sarah.

\"Yeah, well, that\'s one of the job hazards,\" she said, false sympathy coloring her tone as she wandered over to the console and prodded at it until it stopped trying to deafen her. She then became rather engrossed in the Words.

Dorian took that opportunity to wind Laeiryn in his arms and kiss him breathless in a proper greeting. They\'d be out on a mission in minutes, and if he was going to impress just how dangerous this kind of adventure was on his son, he\'d have to do it now. \"Promise me you\'ll be careful,\" Dorian murmured once they\'d broken apart, gazing up into Laeiryn\'s lovely silver eyes. Gods, but he\'d grown so, taller than his parents and friends. He\'d done so well...

Laeiryn, privy to that train of thought, was still a bit stunned by his father\'s words. \"I don\'t make promises, Daddy, and neither do you, remember?\"

\"I know, I know,\" Dorian said hurriedly, \"but sometimes one needs to break habit. Please, Laei, baby, just promise me you\'ll be careful.\" The begging look in his eyes was more than Laeiryn could take, and the young one relented.

\"I promise, Daddy,\" he whispered, hugging his father tightly to him. They would have stood there for a long time in each other\'s arms had Sarah\'s voice not caught their attention.

\"Guys,\" she said, tone quite strained, \"we have one hell of an emergency...\"

Dorian strode over immediately, pulling Laeiryn with him. \"What is it?\" he asked lowly, well used to the kind of drivel available on the internet.

\"Pirates of the Caribbean. Prime Sue-bait, that movie,\" Sarah said, still staring in horror at the screen. \"And unrealistic in and of itself to boot.\"

\"I know,\" Dorian muttered, having spent a good fifty years as commodore of his own fleet of space-ships after plenty of time on the high seas themselves. \"How bad is it?\"

\"Well, I have enough for a charge list from the first page alone. Bad grammar, use of author\'s notes in the story, and the Sue is Will\'s sister and Elizabeth\'s best friend. Basically, she\'s rearranging the entire movie just to include her character. Canon\'s ripping further with every ill-punctuated sentence.\" Sarah looked a tad green; she was easily upset by butchering of the English language. \"There\'s, like, twenty-summod chapters and the whole thing is just... gods. I think I\'m going to be sick.\"

Laeiryn had been silent up to this point, but now he leaned over and peered at the screen more intently. \"You mean -this-,\" he said scornfully, \"is considered a STORY? Dear gods, I had middle school English teachers who\'d have made me burn this kind of crap! They actually let people put this kind of fecal matter where anyone is subjected to it?\"

\"You\'d be amazed,\" Dorian muttered, making way for Sarah so she could stagger to the bathroom that hadn\'t been there a couple minutes ago but was there now, a fresh porcelain god just waiting to be worshiped.

\"And we get to go stop it?\" Laei said, eyes narrowing.

Dorian smirked. That was his boy, alright, blood thirsty and then some. \"Yes. And if you\'ll look here, right at the very beginning, she\'s alone and unprotected. This should be a lot easier than last time. In, read the charge list, kill her, and everything should revert to normal.\"

Laeiryn\'s low mutter of, \"Should be. Key words there,\" was lost in the horking noises from the bathroom as Sarah showed her definite lack of appreciation for crappy writing.

It was going to be a fun mission.


(To, uh, NOT be continued.... yeah. Sorry.... but the NEXT two chapters actually have successful missions! Yay for re-starting old projects.)


Some Time down the road, when the Sues have once more come to plague the world....

\"Well fuck me with a chainsaw, the setup\'s still here. And intact, no less!\" This voice came from the siren standing in the middle of the room, hands planted on his tanned hips. Brown eyes sparkled with mischief and amusement, and Hannibal spun, mindless of the leaves and dirt that had blown into the old Headquarters after so much time empty. Short and lithe, Hannie was made for swarming up rigging and swimming miles in the open ocean. Sometimes it came in handy to be one of a bizarre race native only to a single planet.

Eyeing him flatly, his sister decided it wasn\'t necessary to really comment on that first bit. Her brother was a complete lunatic, as all well knew, and she tucked a long, brown braid down into her collar, tutting as she surveyed the damage that time had done to the room. \"So many horrors have built UP in that time,\" she muttered, while Hannibal darted around the room whistling brightly. Tsiana ignored him at first, but eventually she had to stop trying to poke the computer back to life and snap at him. \"Hannie! Cut it out,\" she hissed, hazel eyes fierce. However, Hannibal knew no fear and just laughed, though he did stop and sit down in the cushy chair. A remnant of days past, the chair was as luxurious as ever and could still convince a dead man to give up rigor mortis, though it was a bit dusty. Lounging, he watched his sister, grinning widely as she finally found the plug and stuffed it into the wall.

With a whirr, the room came to life, lights flickering on and the computer booting up. Hannie leaned forward with an \'oooh\' while Tsiana sat back on her heels, looking smug that she\'d convinced it to work again. \"Still functional,\" she declared proudly. \"Now, to start cleaning UP.... what a mess, didn\'t anyone keep an eye on the place...\" It had been a long time since their mum had visited the PPC department of her city, and now the hunting and killing of Sues was going on once more.

Unfortunately, there were a LOT of Sues, so Tsiana had barely dug the broom out of the closet before the computer politely alerted them to a target. \"I hope you two listen better than the last ones,\" the computer mumbled, then coughed. \"Guys, we\'ve got a Sue here. Potterverse.\" Tsi turned, looking a bit surprised, but Hannibal jumped up with a broad grin.

\"Alright! The fun starts now,\" he beamed, raking a hand through the short spikes of his hair and leaning over the console. A few moments of skimming over the Words later, he shuddered. \"Okay, I\'m just in this for the hunt, but really, this is ridiculous.\"

Propping the broom against the wall, Tsiana wandered over to peer over his shoulder. \"Hmm... let\'s see... oh, of course she\'s a star athlete who can put all the boys in her class to shame... how hard is it to spell wolves? Plural of wolf. There\'s no such word as \'wolfs\'... Damnit, how much of this do we have to suffer through before she breaks canon and we can off her?\"

Hannibal hummed lightly and skimmed further ahead. \"Technically, she breaks it just by existing... there\'s no \'Kelly\' on the Black family tree. Although I have to say, the grammar is... well, okay, not perfect, but not completely horrific.\"

Tsiana shook her head, breaking away from the console and beginning to gather their things. One of the best things about killing Potterverse Sues was that disguises were easy - all you needed were some class robes. With a tweak of the image generators, they were disguised, she in red and gold and her brother in silver and green. Into the bag went wands, small explosives, a garrotte wire, a cutlass, a small crossbow, a Character Analysis device, and a portal generator to return home.

\"We get to wander around Diagon Alley for a while before she breaks canon,\" Hannibal informed her, rising from the exquisitely lush chair and stretching, eyeing the class robes with distaste. He much preferred his race\'s traditional garb, which was to say, as little clothing as physically possible. Tsiana just rolled her eyes at him and leaned against the doorway, waiting with a semblance of patience as Hannie bounded over to her. \"We good?\"

\"Yes, we\'re ready,\" Tsi sighed, and placed a hand on the doorframe. Handy, these tricks of her mum\'s. \"Take us THERE,\" she ordered it, and with a twist of reality the door put itself into the badfic.

With a twist of the knob the door opened onto the business of Diagon Alley. \"Been a long time since we\'ve been here, usually they rape the canon further in,\" Tsi said brightly, the door vanishing behind them. Hannibal just snorted.

\"This one is Sirius Black\'s granddaughter. Wonder how he spawned before he died,\" he muttered, having a particular affinity for Sirius that escaped Tsi entirely. As Tsiana led him down the street, he drifted back into the Words. \"Geez, she\'s just... copying the canon. That\'s it. Everything that happened to Harry... no buggering CREATIVITY...\"

\"If they had creativity, they\'d write original stories with characters who weren\'t somebody\'s granddaughter,\" Tsiana pointed out with her usual anal attention to detail, and led him around a group of witches in fuschia bantering over the import taxes on foreign magical plants.

\"She named her owl SIRIUS. Explain this to me - oh, and she\'s eleven and going to school and ALREADY having erotic dreams about a boy she just met! Paedophilia, anyone?\" Hannibal said sneeringly, eyes unseeing as he trustingly led Tsiana drag him down the street. Fortunately the eyes of everyone around them just slid off them, and space opened up before them where they needed it. Yay for high level Obfuscate.

They were still walking down the street when suddenly a plot hole tore the landscape open before them. With undignified suqeaks, brother and sister tumbled through it, only to land in a pile of limbs aboard the Hogwarts Express. \"Geroff, you! Your breasts weigh a TON!\" Hannibal groaned, shoving at the soft weight of his sister on his chest. With a snort, she heaved herself away, muttering darkly.

\"Alright, look, it ends here. She never actually rapes the canon, though somehow she\'s two generations in the future and nothing is changed in Muggle society... oh, screw this.\" Tsi scrambled up, yanked Hannibal to his feet, and pulled open the nearest compartment door. Two bewildered faces looked up at her. \"Kelly Black, you are being charged with bad grammar - word comes with a checker, you know - with being the spawn of a man who never spawned, with denying the laws of human progress, with self-insertion, with the pervertedness of a prepubescent girl having wet dreams, and basically just wasting space with your story. Any last words?\"

The Sue just stared for a bewildered moment. \"But I want to be in Gryffindor!\" she protested inanely. The bit-boyfriend next to her just sat there, befuddled, while Hannibal growled and whipped out a throwing dagger.

\"Great waste of MORE words,\" he snapped, and then the dagger blossomed in her eye socket. The bit character of Sam Wizzy was next. \"You\'re... well, you\'re a product of a Sue, so you need to die-\" Hannibal started, then began to curse vividly in half a dozen languages. The whole adage about sailors was based in truth; they knew some INTERESTING phrases. And it was justified, too - the train had begun to MELT around them.

\"What the FUCK is going on?!\" Tsiana howled, backing out of the compartment door as reality continued to unravel.

\"She created someplace completely out of canon, fifty years in the future, and without the Sue it\'s falling apart!\" Hannibal yelled over the cacophony of time-space folding back on itself. Fumbling with the bag, he yanked out the portal generator. A few hastily stabbed buttons later and the portal appeared, a bit bent at the edges as gravity ceased to work properly, but Hannibal grabbed Tsi\'s robe and shoved her through, hot on her heels. The portal winked out behind them as they tumbed onto the black tiles of their HQ, both of them panting heavily and looking a bit the worse for wear.

\"Well,\" Hannibal said after a long moment, decidedly rumpled, \"at least we didn\'t have to kill the half-dozen bits she conjured up for it... they all dissolved, too. All in all, an easy first mission - not even any canon characters involved to be butchered out of recognition.\" Optimism made his tone bright and cheerful, and he turned a brilliant smile on Tsiana

Tsi, for her part, threw something at him. Being a dead leaf, it didn\'t make it halfway there, but the point was made, and Hannibal laughed as they lay sprawled on the floor.


(yay end of first mission! ^_^\'\' The story in question wasn\'t that bad, but it just annoyed me. So I made her DIIIE. Yay. More soon to coome!)



It hadn\'t been long enough. Not half an hour of rest, draped over the cool tiles of PPC Response Center #42. Not nearly enough, but there was work to be done. The computer, pleased that they\'d listened to it so readily before, was once again polite. \"Hey, guys, we got another one. Real canon bust this time.\"

With a groan, Tsiana hauled herself into a sitting position. \"That last one WAS a bit too easy,\" she mumbled, shoving her braid out of her face and half-crawling over to the console.

\"I\'m not moving, you can kill her on your own,\" came the low groan from Hannibal, who had seemingly melted into the floor.

\"No way, we\'re just getting started, Hannie... Oh, fucknuggets,\" the young woman spat virulently. \"\'She was nothing short of perfect. Both in mind and body.... icy blue eyes with a green ring around them...\' come the fuck on, people, is it so hard to have REALISM in your original characters?\"

\"Like you, with your anal attentiveness to detail and quick temper?\" Hannibal smirked, heaving himself up behind his sister. \"Oh, gods. American transfer student... I HATE these. Can\'t we do a verse that\'s not as easily raped as Potterverse? Look at her, she\'s drop dead gorgeous, everyone loves her.... And her DA was head boy, oh of COURSE, and head of Quidditch.... we have to show up at just the right time \'cause I\'m\'a kill her straight off,\" he informed his sister matter-of-factly.

\"And you\'re talking about MY quick temper,\" Tsiana snorted, rolling her eyes. \"Fortunately, it\'s not that out of hand, only one chapter... eugh, tanned and blonde- OW!\" she yelped, tumbling back and rubbing her temples. \"Is it SO hard to keep your tenses straight, you empty-headed bimbo? I hope Draco strings you along, fucks you, and dumps you and breaks your bleeding little heart,\" she hissed venomously, rising to her feet as Hannibal winced, not as injured by the painful jerk in time-space as his grammar-Nazi-esque sister.

\"Oh, and then she whines that she DOESN\'T want to go to Hogwarts - gag me,\" Tsi snarled, snatching up murder weapons with burgeoning rage. \"WHEN do we get to off this one?\"

\"In about ten minutes,\" Hannibal assured her, smoothing his Slytherin robes and snatching up the Analysis device. With a growled command from Tsiana, the door quickly rearranged itself to open onto Grimmauld Place, and in moments the pair of assassins were pressed against a wall, watching this \'Talan Archer\' turned Ron Weasley into a gibbering puddle.

\"Slow in the head... oh, yes, because you\'re just SO lovely that he loses the ability to speak,\" Tsi growled, twitching with HATE as Hannibal clapped a hand over her mouth. The canons couldn\'t see them, but the Sue definitely could, and they wanted to be incognito for now.

\"She\'s breaking canon by being here right now, just give me a moment to compose the charge list. Figures she had to have the bit characters of her parents and FOUR brothers....\" Hannibal whispered, a bit sulkily as Hermione showed a glassy-eyed interest in the \'perfect\' girl\'s homeland.

Aiming the Analysis device at Ron, it flashed a neon warning. \'Character rupture 37.12%.\' To Harry, where it bleeped and fell quiet, confused as to whether or not he was out of character, or a whole new character the Sue had inserted. It flared on Hermione - \'character violated 86.24%!\' and Tsiana shoved it back into the bag, not wanting to alert them to their presence. Finally able to handle it no more, Tsi made as if to step away from the wall, but suddenly the world twisted and they were torn through a plothole once more.

Once more they landed in Diagon Alley, immediately privy to the sight of the Sue and Draco crashing into one another. Stunned by the Sue\'s gorgeousness, Draco stood dumb as the CA device shrilled from inside their bag. Perfect Sue eyes were drawn to the heap of assassin-limbs, and Tsiana was the first to haul herself up, smoothing her robes meticulously. The Sue, being \'easy to get along with\', made a surprised sound and offered Hannibal a hand. Of course, she expected the handsome young man to immediately fall under her spell, but Hannie was gayer than a treeful of monkeys so her pretty face had little effect on him. The sight of Draco, however... rawr. But that was for later. Maybe. Scrambling to his feet, Hannibal offered a wide, crooked grin. \"Well hey there. You\'re Talan, right?\" he asked, and the Sue nodded, making as though to say something suitably enchanting.

Tsiana butted in, nudging her brother out of the way. \"Good. Talan Archer, you are charged with messing with the characters of Ron, Harry, Hermione, and poor Malfoy there, with being \'perfect\', with being an American transfer student to Hogwarts, with annoying the fuck out of me, with raping the canon of Potterverse, with leaving great whopping plot holes in your wake, with switching tenses, and most horrifically with being a Mary Sue. The penalty for these crimes is death- oh, yes, and teaching Malfoy to SURF,\" Tsi muttered derisively. \"Any last words? And please, nothing STUPID, this job is stressful enough.\"

Malfoy, still entranced by the Sue\'s beauty (and glassy-eyed under her spell), didn\'t do much, but the Sue straightened. \"Who are you and what do you think you\'re doing? Are you Death Eaters? I\'ll destroy the Dark Lord!\" she proclaimed.

\"Usurping the main character,\" Tsiana added to the charge list, shaking her head. \"Do her in, Hannie.\"

Distracted by Tsiana, the Sue hadn\'t even noticed Hannibal slipping behind her, but she certainly noticed the pain as a dagger slipped around and curved across her throat. An arc of blood sprayed out, quickly subsiding as blood pressure diminished rapidly (yay severed jugular), and Tsi yelped at the warm spattering she received. The dead body of the Sue slumped into Hannibal\'s waiting arms, and Draco seemed to come out of his funk, sneering at them both.

\"Stupid Gryffindor,\" Hannibal was muttering, getting a handful of the Sue\'s hair. Apparently something about him - possibly the bloody state, the look on his face, or the Slytherin robes - made Malfoy decide to just walk away, which was for the better as things reverted to canon bit by bit. Once more invisible to the ranks of witches and wizards, Tsi grabbed the portal generator and programmed it. The Sue was six inches taller than her brother, and heavier, despite being \'perfect\'. She made a pretty corpse, and Tsi muttered darkly as they headed back to headquarters.

Dumping the body on the floor, Hannibal surveyed himself. He hadn\'t been bled on much, but that made him sad, and he sighed, glancing at his sister who just so happened to be drenched. \"You get all the fun parts,\" he sighed again, shaking his head, as his sister glowered fiercely and stabbed at their image generators. The robes vanished and they were once more clad in their normal clothes - jeans and t-shirt for her, hide loincloth for him. Most of the blood vanished.

\"What do we do with the Sue?\" Tsiana wanted to know, nudging the body with a foot.

\"I say we feed it to the first Dalisaryv we come across,\" Hannibal offered, smirking. \"Even if it\'s already dead.\"

Tsi considered this, then nodded. \"You dispose of it, then. I need a shower.\" Making a face, she headed for the door in the back of the room that led to their personal quarters. \"This place STILL needs a good cleaning...\" she could be heard muttering as the door shut behind her.

Hannibal surveyed the room, the now blood-wet tiles, the sueage stinking up the floor, and chuckled. \"That\'s my sister for you,\" he said, shaking his head, and dragged the Sue to the door (resetting it to its home dock) and taking her to the hungry beasts that inhabited their native world.

END yay

That fic was horrible. http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2547668/1/ Go. go look. And cry. x.x\' The first wasn\'t so bad.... but yes. Hannie and Tsi, saving the world from bad Sues. Yay. Reviews loved, bad story suggestions rapidly speared with Denny\'s spoons.