The More Things Change-The More They Stay The Same
folder
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female › Snape/Hermione
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
2
Views:
2,887
Reviews:
8
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female › Snape/Hermione
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
2
Views:
2,887
Reviews:
8
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The More Things Change-The More They Stay The Same
This is in response to Southern\'s story Seeking Her Snitch on Ashwinder and the Makeover Ho!Mione challenge.
To use Southern\'s own comment: \"Please be warned. There will be some purposely-placed author’s notes in the story. These are normally not allowed, but since this is a parody, I’m going to slip a few in. This story is definitely AU.\"
Plot: Hermione isn\'t that little shy bookworm any longer. She\'s had a makeover, and she is hot! And, she has all the correct equipment to become the new improved Makeover Ho!Mione. And who does she turn to learn \"the ways of the flesh\" now that she\'s a true ho? Why, our favorite SexGod!Slytherin Potions master, of course!
The rules follow the real author’s note.
The More Things Change - The More They Stay The Same – Sort OF (tentative title – i may still come up with something better)
Summary: I really suc at summaries, please just R & R. The story is Sevie and a really kewl looking Hermione.
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1.
Severus sank wearily into his leather side-chair, the remnants of tonight’s entertainment still clinging to his robes, his customary glass of fire whisky (in its’ heavy crystal glass with matching crystal decanter) sitting next to him, his long legs stretched out before him.
He watched the flames as they leaped in the hearth, lost in thought, feverlantly hoping the house elves would know how to remove ground-in blood and semen stains from his favorite robes (why hadn’t he thought to change them when the call from the Dark Lord came?). He tossed the silver Death Eater’s mask carelessly onto the sofa and wondered for the hundredth time why the Dark Lord had to have such bad fashion sense.
A featureless silver mask (a/n: I’ve never seen it described with any kind of look, so if you think I’m wrong, owl me – grin - and we can talk about it). Really, Severus could have come up with a dozen looks that would have been more evil looking (not to mention more flattering) than the mask they currently employed.
Tiredly, he rubbed his hand across his eyes before dragging it through the curtain of lank hair framing his face. Tonight’s little get together had been eye opening. He always thought Lucius swung both ways, but really, did the man have to keep coming up behind him all night and poke him in the bum with that bloody cane while he raped and pillaged? It was enough to throw him off his game.
Severus drained the remainder of his whisky (a/n: is it whisky or whiskey? is this one of those british word things? does anyone know which is right? ). The students would be arriving tomorrow, another year of dunderheads to teach. Where the hell had he put that dreamless sleep potion?
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a/n: okay, that’s my start. anyone like it? if I get 100 reviews ( ha, ha, ha, only kidding), how about 15 reviews i will continue with a really kewl made over Hermione.
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2.
Severus Snape threw open the staff door to the Great Hall, grinning evilly as it hit the wall with a sharp *.THUD*. He was pleased to see Madame Pince jump at the unexpected sound.
“Really, Severus, do you have to do that every time you enter the Hall? The wall is starting to seriously chip where the handle hits it.” Madame Pince’s lips thinned in annoyance.
The Potions master slumped in his chair and aimed a sneer in the general direction of the annoying witch. Dear gods, he thought, where the hell did she get that hat? Didn’t she own a mirror? (a/n: you would know what i’m talking about if you saw the first hp movie, the witch sitting next to our dear snapey wears the most awful hat! )
The noise level in the Great Hall increased as Minerva McGonagill(sp?) lead the new first year students in for the sorting.
Snape’s gaze swept the room, his customary scowl in place. He stopped short as his glance reached the Gryffindor table. There, sitting between the idiot Potter and his equally stupid sidekick Weasley, was the most beautiful woman Severus had ever seen. Her thick, chestnut-brown hair flowed gracefully down her back in a beautiful series of intricate curls. Her eyes, even at this distance, seem to sparkle with vitality and sexuality. Her robes did little to hide the voluptuous figure this seeming goddess possessed, straining the fabric across her ample breasts. Even her laughter, that seemed to float on the air to him, was music to his ears.
“Ah, Severus, I see you have noticed the changes in our Miss Granger this year,” said Albus, the twinkling of his merry blue eyes threatening to blind the dark man.
“That is the annoying Gryffindor-know-it-all? What happened to her?” That couldn’t be Potter’s brainy friend, the bane of his existence. All he wanted to do was throw her against a dungeon wall and shag her silly. Where had that thought come from? He wondered. Never mind what the hard stone would do to her back or the fact that he suffered from severe arthritis (really, you work in a cold dank dungeon for twenty years and see how well your joints fair) and the fact that he didn’t think he possessed the stamina to hold her up long enough for either of them to have an orgasm, the thought was as intriguing as it was erotic.
“I believe she has come of age.” Albus’s eyes seemed to be shooting off fireworks at this pronouncement.
“Come of age? How so?” Severus couldn’t take his eyes off her. Minerva was settling the sorting hat on the head of the last first year. The feast would officially begin in just a few minutes and the platters would fill with their mouthwatering fare. It was all Severus could do to concentrate on breathing, let alone eating.
“Fuck, I just don’t believe the students can get any worse, and every year the new batch prove me wrong. I just can’t wait to teach first-year transfiguration tomorrow.” Minerva took her customary seat on the other side of Albus, her words dripping with annoyance.
“They couldn’t be that bad, Minerva, they’re just children.” Albus smiled at the angry witch.
“Just children? Really, Albus, suck one too many lemon sherbets, have you? The little darlings sent a fireball at my tail before I changed back into my human form. Just children my arse!”
Severus snorted quietly into his pumpkin juice wishing to hell he had not forgotten his silver flask of fire-whisky. (a/n: someone left a review for me saying ‘whisky’ was a foreign spelling and ‘whiskey’ was american so whiskey had to be right. well, duh! didn’t they know hp takes place in a foreign country? so whisky it is. btw, thanks to the other people who answered to) He always enjoyed listening to Minerva when she brought the Headmaster down a peg or two.
Minerva sighed. “Hmm, I see we need to start watching Miss Granger now that she has changed. She must have fulfilled the first requirement of the third the prophecy Sibyll was talking about. I can only remember one other witch changing that much after losing her maidenhead.”
Severus choked on his pumpkin juice, hastily blowing his considerable nose as he snorted some of the juice.
“Are you all right, my boy?” Albus asked with concern.
He didn’t know what was worse - Albus’s eyes filled with worry or manic happiness. When he finally managed to stop coughing, he looked at his employer. “What in the bloody hell are you two talking about?”
“You know I think that was one of the Order meeting he missed, Albus. I think you were at one of your dark revivals and never made it.” Minerva stabbed at her dinner viciously with her knife.
“Revels.”
“Pardon me?”
“They’re dark revels, not dark revivals. What are you talking about? What third prophecy? There was another prophecy? Why wasn’t I told?” (a/n: sibyll makes two correct prophecies – i just luv that word! – in the hp books, so this would be the third………grin)
“Well, you weren’t at the Order meeting. If you had made it to the meeting you wouldn’t be out in the dark now would you?” Minerva looked around. “What the hell do you have to do to get a cup of coffee in this place?”
“Now, Minerva, let’s be fair. Severus was hard at work raping and pillaging with Tom. He couldn’t very well turn to him and say, “I didn’t realize the time. Thanks for having me but I really need to run.” No, we need him to keep his true loyalties a secret, at least for now.” Albus pointed his wand at Minerva’s cup, instantly filling it with coffee.
The rich aromatic smell of well-blended coffee reached his sensitive nose. “Albus, if you don’t mind?” Severus asked, indicating his own mug.
“Of course, my boy.”
Severus raised one trademark eyebrow in question. “The prophecy? Miss Granger? Her…maidenhead?”
“You know a witch’s powers increase as she gains sexual experience. Sex magic is another form of Earth magic, but harder to control. It seems the more confident the witch, the more her power increases right after she loses her maidenhead.”
“Yes, yes. I remember my third-year health lecture. They don’t change that much. What does that have to do with Miss Granger? And what prophecy?”
Sex magic was very powerful, indeed. As doddering as he might think his employer could be at times, he knew the man was sharp enough to cast a powerful contraceptive spell over the sorting hat each year. A spell that was cast on each child as it sat waiting for the hat’s decision; a spell that was designed to last six years and nine months, no matter where the witch or wizard went. It wouldn’t due for the little brats in their charge to have little brats of their own while under their supervision.
Severus once asked why he went to the trouble of spelling the hat, and why six years and nine months? Why not slip a contraceptive potion in their pumpkin juice or spell the castle and grounds instead?
Albus had smiled manically and asked, “And should I spell Hogsmeade too? And the Hogwarts train? And what about London? And what happens when they go home and aren’t drinking our special brand of pumpkin juice? I need to maintain a specific head count if I’m still to get Ministry funding. That won’t happen if they fool around while on hols, will it? They are at Hogwarts six years, eight months, two weeks, and change. I would rather not spend each break working out the exact days, it’s just easier to round it out to nine months.”
It was things Severus never thought about; he supposed it was why he never wanted to be an administrator in the first place.
“Yes, well, Sibyll had another vision. This one a bit more specific,” Albus said with a loud sigh. “The one who sits at the side of the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will come into her own when someone cums into her. Her power will increase with each joining as will her intellect until she reaches her full potential. She will be needed to defeat the dark. She alone will chose the tool to increase her knowledge. She will make this choice before her September birthday. You will know her by The Change.”
Severus stared at the Headmaster. “You’re kidding, right? She’s going to get smarter every time she shags someone?”
Albus nodded. “Yes, she’s going to fuck her brains out. Well not literally. But the more she shags, the more intelligent she will become until she reaches the level the prophecy decrees. We just have to wait and see who she chooses to help her fulfill her destiny.”
Severus shook his head. And they thought Voldemort was a madman? He glanced across the room to where the auburn-haired beauty sat, only to look straight into her eyes. Severus felt his heart hammer in his chest as their eyes locked. Hermione looked away first, a light blush staining her beautiful face.
Albus stood up and clapped his hands for attention. “Welcome to another year at Hogwarts………”
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a/n: okay, so what do you think? please, please, please review. i know i said i wouldn’t write any more if i didn’t get 15 reviews, but i did get 11 and that’s sorta close to 15 so here is the next chapter. so what do you want to see? i was thinking hermione should choose sevie – but, well…………. i could change it. ~~~evil laugh~~~ no i won’t! but i could put ron (ew!) or harry with someone, like maybe draco (sigh). more later!!!!!!!!
.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(Tasteful, unobtrusive, divider)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
Real A/N: This is in answer to SouthernWitch’s Makeover Ho’Mione challenge. There are purposely misspelled words (I know McGonagall’s last name has two ‘a’s) and various improper uses of to, too, then, than, etc. The characters are OC and AU (Oh, my!). This should be a parody in two, or three acts, not much more than that. If anyone recognizes a specific storyline or cliché I mean no harm (I have been guilty of some of the above, too), please consider it imitation and the sincerest form of flattery I can offer. More soon!
Pearle
Rules:
1) It can be as long as you want as long as it\'s at least 1,000 words.
2) Must be labeled as parody and A/U and be submitted under the proper challenge category at Ashwinder. They are making a special folder for us, so please submit them there.
3) All intentional errors and things that do not follow Sycophant Hex\'s submission standards (such as misspelled words and A/N\'s in the text) must be noted in an A/N as being intentional and part of the parody.
4) All other Sycophant Hex standards still apply, so it\'s probably a good idea to have a beta look over it. Okay, the fun stuff!
5) Hermione is a self-absorbed ho and Severus is a pimp daddy sex god!
6) We are trying to poke fun of fandom cliches, so make fun of as many as possible! The more, the better! :-D
7) Hermione\'s lurve interest should be Severus, but if you want to have someone else *cough* Draco *cough* join in the fun, that\'s okay, too.
To use Southern\'s own comment: \"Please be warned. There will be some purposely-placed author’s notes in the story. These are normally not allowed, but since this is a parody, I’m going to slip a few in. This story is definitely AU.\"
Plot: Hermione isn\'t that little shy bookworm any longer. She\'s had a makeover, and she is hot! And, she has all the correct equipment to become the new improved Makeover Ho!Mione. And who does she turn to learn \"the ways of the flesh\" now that she\'s a true ho? Why, our favorite SexGod!Slytherin Potions master, of course!
The rules follow the real author’s note.
The More Things Change - The More They Stay The Same – Sort OF (tentative title – i may still come up with something better)
Summary: I really suc at summaries, please just R & R. The story is Sevie and a really kewl looking Hermione.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***
1.
Severus sank wearily into his leather side-chair, the remnants of tonight’s entertainment still clinging to his robes, his customary glass of fire whisky (in its’ heavy crystal glass with matching crystal decanter) sitting next to him, his long legs stretched out before him.
He watched the flames as they leaped in the hearth, lost in thought, feverlantly hoping the house elves would know how to remove ground-in blood and semen stains from his favorite robes (why hadn’t he thought to change them when the call from the Dark Lord came?). He tossed the silver Death Eater’s mask carelessly onto the sofa and wondered for the hundredth time why the Dark Lord had to have such bad fashion sense.
A featureless silver mask (a/n: I’ve never seen it described with any kind of look, so if you think I’m wrong, owl me – grin - and we can talk about it). Really, Severus could have come up with a dozen looks that would have been more evil looking (not to mention more flattering) than the mask they currently employed.
Tiredly, he rubbed his hand across his eyes before dragging it through the curtain of lank hair framing his face. Tonight’s little get together had been eye opening. He always thought Lucius swung both ways, but really, did the man have to keep coming up behind him all night and poke him in the bum with that bloody cane while he raped and pillaged? It was enough to throw him off his game.
Severus drained the remainder of his whisky (a/n: is it whisky or whiskey? is this one of those british word things? does anyone know which is right? ). The students would be arriving tomorrow, another year of dunderheads to teach. Where the hell had he put that dreamless sleep potion?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***
a/n: okay, that’s my start. anyone like it? if I get 100 reviews ( ha, ha, ha, only kidding), how about 15 reviews i will continue with a really kewl made over Hermione.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***
2.
Severus Snape threw open the staff door to the Great Hall, grinning evilly as it hit the wall with a sharp *.THUD*. He was pleased to see Madame Pince jump at the unexpected sound.
“Really, Severus, do you have to do that every time you enter the Hall? The wall is starting to seriously chip where the handle hits it.” Madame Pince’s lips thinned in annoyance.
The Potions master slumped in his chair and aimed a sneer in the general direction of the annoying witch. Dear gods, he thought, where the hell did she get that hat? Didn’t she own a mirror? (a/n: you would know what i’m talking about if you saw the first hp movie, the witch sitting next to our dear snapey wears the most awful hat! )
The noise level in the Great Hall increased as Minerva McGonagill(sp?) lead the new first year students in for the sorting.
Snape’s gaze swept the room, his customary scowl in place. He stopped short as his glance reached the Gryffindor table. There, sitting between the idiot Potter and his equally stupid sidekick Weasley, was the most beautiful woman Severus had ever seen. Her thick, chestnut-brown hair flowed gracefully down her back in a beautiful series of intricate curls. Her eyes, even at this distance, seem to sparkle with vitality and sexuality. Her robes did little to hide the voluptuous figure this seeming goddess possessed, straining the fabric across her ample breasts. Even her laughter, that seemed to float on the air to him, was music to his ears.
“Ah, Severus, I see you have noticed the changes in our Miss Granger this year,” said Albus, the twinkling of his merry blue eyes threatening to blind the dark man.
“That is the annoying Gryffindor-know-it-all? What happened to her?” That couldn’t be Potter’s brainy friend, the bane of his existence. All he wanted to do was throw her against a dungeon wall and shag her silly. Where had that thought come from? He wondered. Never mind what the hard stone would do to her back or the fact that he suffered from severe arthritis (really, you work in a cold dank dungeon for twenty years and see how well your joints fair) and the fact that he didn’t think he possessed the stamina to hold her up long enough for either of them to have an orgasm, the thought was as intriguing as it was erotic.
“I believe she has come of age.” Albus’s eyes seemed to be shooting off fireworks at this pronouncement.
“Come of age? How so?” Severus couldn’t take his eyes off her. Minerva was settling the sorting hat on the head of the last first year. The feast would officially begin in just a few minutes and the platters would fill with their mouthwatering fare. It was all Severus could do to concentrate on breathing, let alone eating.
“Fuck, I just don’t believe the students can get any worse, and every year the new batch prove me wrong. I just can’t wait to teach first-year transfiguration tomorrow.” Minerva took her customary seat on the other side of Albus, her words dripping with annoyance.
“They couldn’t be that bad, Minerva, they’re just children.” Albus smiled at the angry witch.
“Just children? Really, Albus, suck one too many lemon sherbets, have you? The little darlings sent a fireball at my tail before I changed back into my human form. Just children my arse!”
Severus snorted quietly into his pumpkin juice wishing to hell he had not forgotten his silver flask of fire-whisky. (a/n: someone left a review for me saying ‘whisky’ was a foreign spelling and ‘whiskey’ was american so whiskey had to be right. well, duh! didn’t they know hp takes place in a foreign country? so whisky it is. btw, thanks to the other people who answered to) He always enjoyed listening to Minerva when she brought the Headmaster down a peg or two.
Minerva sighed. “Hmm, I see we need to start watching Miss Granger now that she has changed. She must have fulfilled the first requirement of the third the prophecy Sibyll was talking about. I can only remember one other witch changing that much after losing her maidenhead.”
Severus choked on his pumpkin juice, hastily blowing his considerable nose as he snorted some of the juice.
“Are you all right, my boy?” Albus asked with concern.
He didn’t know what was worse - Albus’s eyes filled with worry or manic happiness. When he finally managed to stop coughing, he looked at his employer. “What in the bloody hell are you two talking about?”
“You know I think that was one of the Order meeting he missed, Albus. I think you were at one of your dark revivals and never made it.” Minerva stabbed at her dinner viciously with her knife.
“Revels.”
“Pardon me?”
“They’re dark revels, not dark revivals. What are you talking about? What third prophecy? There was another prophecy? Why wasn’t I told?” (a/n: sibyll makes two correct prophecies – i just luv that word! – in the hp books, so this would be the third………grin)
“Well, you weren’t at the Order meeting. If you had made it to the meeting you wouldn’t be out in the dark now would you?” Minerva looked around. “What the hell do you have to do to get a cup of coffee in this place?”
“Now, Minerva, let’s be fair. Severus was hard at work raping and pillaging with Tom. He couldn’t very well turn to him and say, “I didn’t realize the time. Thanks for having me but I really need to run.” No, we need him to keep his true loyalties a secret, at least for now.” Albus pointed his wand at Minerva’s cup, instantly filling it with coffee.
The rich aromatic smell of well-blended coffee reached his sensitive nose. “Albus, if you don’t mind?” Severus asked, indicating his own mug.
“Of course, my boy.”
Severus raised one trademark eyebrow in question. “The prophecy? Miss Granger? Her…maidenhead?”
“You know a witch’s powers increase as she gains sexual experience. Sex magic is another form of Earth magic, but harder to control. It seems the more confident the witch, the more her power increases right after she loses her maidenhead.”
“Yes, yes. I remember my third-year health lecture. They don’t change that much. What does that have to do with Miss Granger? And what prophecy?”
Sex magic was very powerful, indeed. As doddering as he might think his employer could be at times, he knew the man was sharp enough to cast a powerful contraceptive spell over the sorting hat each year. A spell that was cast on each child as it sat waiting for the hat’s decision; a spell that was designed to last six years and nine months, no matter where the witch or wizard went. It wouldn’t due for the little brats in their charge to have little brats of their own while under their supervision.
Severus once asked why he went to the trouble of spelling the hat, and why six years and nine months? Why not slip a contraceptive potion in their pumpkin juice or spell the castle and grounds instead?
Albus had smiled manically and asked, “And should I spell Hogsmeade too? And the Hogwarts train? And what about London? And what happens when they go home and aren’t drinking our special brand of pumpkin juice? I need to maintain a specific head count if I’m still to get Ministry funding. That won’t happen if they fool around while on hols, will it? They are at Hogwarts six years, eight months, two weeks, and change. I would rather not spend each break working out the exact days, it’s just easier to round it out to nine months.”
It was things Severus never thought about; he supposed it was why he never wanted to be an administrator in the first place.
“Yes, well, Sibyll had another vision. This one a bit more specific,” Albus said with a loud sigh. “The one who sits at the side of the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will come into her own when someone cums into her. Her power will increase with each joining as will her intellect until she reaches her full potential. She will be needed to defeat the dark. She alone will chose the tool to increase her knowledge. She will make this choice before her September birthday. You will know her by The Change.”
Severus stared at the Headmaster. “You’re kidding, right? She’s going to get smarter every time she shags someone?”
Albus nodded. “Yes, she’s going to fuck her brains out. Well not literally. But the more she shags, the more intelligent she will become until she reaches the level the prophecy decrees. We just have to wait and see who she chooses to help her fulfill her destiny.”
Severus shook his head. And they thought Voldemort was a madman? He glanced across the room to where the auburn-haired beauty sat, only to look straight into her eyes. Severus felt his heart hammer in his chest as their eyes locked. Hermione looked away first, a light blush staining her beautiful face.
Albus stood up and clapped his hands for attention. “Welcome to another year at Hogwarts………”
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8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***8888****$$$$****%%%%***@@@@***
a/n: okay, so what do you think? please, please, please review. i know i said i wouldn’t write any more if i didn’t get 15 reviews, but i did get 11 and that’s sorta close to 15 so here is the next chapter. so what do you want to see? i was thinking hermione should choose sevie – but, well…………. i could change it. ~~~evil laugh~~~ no i won’t! but i could put ron (ew!) or harry with someone, like maybe draco (sigh). more later!!!!!!!!
Real A/N: This is in answer to SouthernWitch’s Makeover Ho’Mione challenge. There are purposely misspelled words (I know McGonagall’s last name has two ‘a’s) and various improper uses of to, too, then, than, etc. The characters are OC and AU (Oh, my!). This should be a parody in two, or three acts, not much more than that. If anyone recognizes a specific storyline or cliché I mean no harm (I have been guilty of some of the above, too), please consider it imitation and the sincerest form of flattery I can offer. More soon!
Pearle
Rules:
1) It can be as long as you want as long as it\'s at least 1,000 words.
2) Must be labeled as parody and A/U and be submitted under the proper challenge category at Ashwinder. They are making a special folder for us, so please submit them there.
3) All intentional errors and things that do not follow Sycophant Hex\'s submission standards (such as misspelled words and A/N\'s in the text) must be noted in an A/N as being intentional and part of the parody.
4) All other Sycophant Hex standards still apply, so it\'s probably a good idea to have a beta look over it. Okay, the fun stuff!
5) Hermione is a self-absorbed ho and Severus is a pimp daddy sex god!
6) We are trying to poke fun of fandom cliches, so make fun of as many as possible! The more, the better! :-D
7) Hermione\'s lurve interest should be Severus, but if you want to have someone else *cough* Draco *cough* join in the fun, that\'s okay, too.