Potter Wars 1/1

Title: Potter Wars 1/1
By CoAuthors: Chys and Ridia
Beta: (Scribbled under the author line, in green crayon: "It's Shake
and Bake, And IIIIII Helped!" - Chys Lattes)
Rating: Adult for fun words, not graphic sex.
Genre: AU silliness and some het/slash stuff of the offensive kind.
Random other series stuff which doesn't matter.
Pairings: Parry/Ginny, Dumbledore/Laura Croft, Ron/Harry/Hermione/A
Bunch of Death Eaters, Ron/Everyone (the slut), Snape/God.
Warnings/Disclaimer: IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY OR UNDERAGE, DON'T
EVEN BOTHER TRYING TO READ IT. THIS MIGHT ALSO OFFEND RELIGIOUS
PEOPLE.
I am not JKR, but you don't know that do you? XD.
HBP SPOILERS AT THE READY!
Archive: Ask first.
Date: July 19, 2005.

Potter Wars-

It began at the ending. A very long time ago. Somewhere around 1995,
actually. That was a terrible year. The 80's had only just let go of
their death grip to allow the 90's and PlayStation to overcome
society. Little did they know the dreaded New Millennium lurked just
around the corner, bearing with it the return of bell bottoms and
other 70's paraphernalia... and 80's music NEVER dies. But that is a
tale for another day.

For today, we speak only of one wizard of utmost importance. His name
is Parry Hotter. I mean, um... Yeah, whatever. Parry is the Chosen
One. The Boy that Scored (with Ginny). It is he who must kill that
really evil snake guy. (Yeah, you know the one.) And he has a thing
against Metatron.

We first join our hero after the death of his father figure. The last
one that survived. This isn't saying much, since they all have this
nasty habit of croaking. Several farms were owned by his fatherly
figures, and one can simply say that James, Sirius and Dumbledore
were now all happily pushing up the daisies together.

"OH MY GOD HE'S DEAD! I'll KILL METATR- ER... ALAN RICKMAN!" Parry
cried.

"Psst," his ever helpful friend Hermione hissed, jabbing him in the
ribs none-too gently, "His name's Snape!"

"OH MY GOD I'LL KILL SNAPE." Parry corrected himself.

However, at that moment, a ghostly head popped up from the white
tomb, "That's PROFESSOR Snape!" Dumbledore's ghost insisted.

"Yeah whatever." Parry and Hermione muttered.

"Good. Do your homework. Off to an adventure!" Chimed Dumbledore,
cheerfully returning to the Daisy Pushing Club.

Parry and Hermione decided they had to kill Snape, and grab those
Whorecrust things. Or something. The snake-dude had to die. Ron was
coming with them, when he could stop resting his head on Hermione's
boobies. But, Ron, like any man, was obvious in his weak spot, as the
drool stain on the witch's robes testified.

"Let us go!" cried Parry, and off they went. Through jungles. And
mountains. And strip clubs, bars and red-light districts. Hermione
and the boys took a part time job or two. Finally, after several
exciting adventures (not recounted here, as memory charms were put in
place upon all witnesses after a disaster involving certain Death
Eaters and the gang's part time jobs. They still haven't found the
stripper pole yet.)

Anyways, after many grueling months of searching, battles were
fought, clothes were lost, a baby was born, and the father took off.
Sadly, we never saw Ron again, and Parry is still confused how it
happened at all.

Through some twist of fate, the final battle drew nigh and at some
point or another, ALL HOPE WAS LOST. In the Hogwarts Great Hall...
because I say it was.
Suddenly, just as Volde-er, Snake-Dude was ready to Avada Kadavra the
Hell out of everyone, a shattering was heard from above! SWOOOSH.

A flash of fire, a jubilant cry - and lo, clad in a black trench coat
Neo was sure to be missing, swooped in on a hail of glory... none
other than... DUMBLEDORE, packing guns he'd swiped from a certain
Laura Croft after a one-night stand the week before when she'd
invaded his tomb, Dumbledore was totally badass. He killed a lot of
Death Eaters and stuff. BANG, BANG, BANG! Haha, dead, fuckers.

"REMEMBER THAT LOVE IS THE SECRET WEAPON!" Dumbledore cried to Parry
as he capped a few more Death Eaters (all of who were former students
he hated anyways).

Understanding what Dumbledore was saying (for once in their short
lives), Parry and Ginny promptly made noisy love on the Slytherin
table. However, when the only results were that Voldem-er, yeah, you
know, put the videos up for sale on eBay they decided to rethink
their tactics.

They regrouped! They grinned! They had it all in the fucking bag and
a copy of the video, too. Voldy knew he was done for! But he pulled
his last trick from up his sleeve. Or his ass. Or something. He might
have gotten it on eBay too. "HARRY!" he cried, throwing a hand up
defensively, "I did not kill your father!! I *AM* YOUR FATHER!"

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Parry, and, in an act of desperation, he used a
rusty butter knife to sever his own left arm, which consequentially
had been discovered to be one of VoldyMoldy's WhoreCrusts;
Ravenclaw's butter knife, anyways. Chucking the bloody dead limb at
the Lord of Dorkness, he cried, "YOU AIN'T MY FATHER BITCH!"

The hand started to float and bitch slapped Voldy then hit the floor
and ran off to meet its secret lover, The Hand of Glory. The Five
Finger Tango just wasn't doing it for that hand anymore anyways.

So Snake-Dude screamed all like, "FUCK NOOOOOOO!" And in a Vader-
eqsue type ending he like, died man.

Anyways, they were victorious, Dumbledore laid a few bitches, and
then found out one of the bitches was really Ron in drag. They fell
in love and became a threesome with Hermione.

I forgot about Alan, so he's back into the story. "OH MY GOD YOU
KILLED MY DARK LORD YOU SONS OF BITCHES I LOVE YOU." and he gave
Parry flowers and boinked with Dumbledore, Hermione and Ron on the
Hufflepuff table (trust me; there was much huffling and
puffling). "Oh, God!" Snape cried.

"Yes, Alan?" God asked wearily as Metatron bugged him again. God
damnit (oh wait he WAS god, Damnit.) would Snape/Alan/Metatron/Half-
Blood Prince never stop bugging him?

In the throes of passion, Snape asked, "Can I bum $5 and a condom?"

"Okay." God said. And they were happy. God sold the tape on eBay.

With all their problems solved, they decided to celebrate Nebraska
style. Because America doesn't get enough props in those damned books
anyways. You'd think it didn't even exist. GOD. ("WHAT NOW?").

Anyways, they all filled into a Nebraska diner for pie. They took the
Hogwarts express. Over the ocean. What? Don't believe me? WELL IT
WORKED. Everyone loves pie. Especially Parry. He kinda thought he ate
too much, though, because suddenly, his chest started to hurt! He
cried out in pain -SUDDENLY, ripping free of his chest cavity... a
GREEN TOAD! Parry slumped over, presumably dead, a strange expression
on his slack features as the bloodied toad pulled his way from the
defiled corpse, only to reach back in, pulling out a black top hat
and cane where upon he began tap dancing upon the diner's counter
while singing, "Hello, my witchy, hello my Weasley, Hello my
quidditch gal!"

Ginny was overwhelmed with tears as no one had ever done anything as
romantic as popping a studio mascot out of their chest to serenade
her with song. Happy as can be, she picked up the little fellow and
kissed the warty little bastard on the head, racing off into the
night with her new love, Trevor.

The End.