Totaly addicted to Snape

A/N: OK I own nothing, it all belong the wonderful, wonderful, talented J. K Rowling! This is my first attempt at light hearted fan fiction. So be gentle.

I have just got a beta for my appalling grammar etc so a BIG thank you to Moi!

Suggestions welcomed and trust me when I say I may need them!! Any flames will be reported to my team of rabid ferrets and you wouldn’t like them when they’re angry.

Totally addicted to Snape


Chapter 1:


Snape strode up the dungeon corridor towards the Great Hall. ‘Great’ he thought ‘Another year of torture teaching the crème de la crème of stupid.’ He frowned. At least he only had another year of the Golden Trio and then at last he would be free. Free until any of them decided to procreate and he had to teach their spawn. Snape had a sudden desire to jump off the Astronomy Tower with that thought. He hoped that perhaps Voldemort would take pity and kill him before then. He noticed he had reached the Hall and the sound of inane chatter reached his ears; the students were about to arrive. He smiled to himself before turning to begin his reign of terror.

By the time he had seated himself at the staff table he had successfully managed to make three second-year girls cry, deduct 20 points from Gryffindor, 15 from Hufflepuff, and award 20 to Slytherin. Not to mention give out 6 detentions. He felt extremely satisfied as he waited for the Sorting Ceremony to begin.

Within 12 minutes, Snape’s mood had taken another nose-dive. He poked at his steak unenthusiastically with his fork. Dumbledore had announced the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor would be Remus Lupin (a werewolf, member of the Order and childhood enemy) again due to the school and its staff’s great desire not to see the return of that hag Umbridge. He shuddered. Even she could give him nightmares. Especially after some of the things she suggested... That was it. He was definitely off his food now. Pushing away his plate, he excused himself from the table to return to his chambers and to his unopened bottle of Ogden’s Finest.

He walked to his rooms in a similar fashion to the one he had left them, only more eager. Before long he was sitting comfortably in his favourite leather wing backed chair with his feet up reading a recently acquired book on potion theory with a glass of Ogden’s. He swilled the amber liquid lazily round the glass, his brow furrowed in concentration as he read. He looked up for a moment mulling over ‘Benedict’s theory of dilution’ before taking a large sip from his heavy glass, letting the liquid content warm his mouth before swallowing slowly, savouring its flavour like only a Potions Master could. It was a determined knock at his door that broke Snape’s train of thought. He growled at the door. Placing his book from his lap onto the sofa next to his chair he forced his body to rise to open the door. He dearly hoped he could slap whoever it was behind it.

Nothing could have prepared him for what happened next. His scowl dropped from his face quicker than lightning. He even stuttered!

“Er...um...a...w-what...? I-I mean...um—”

He was greeted with a sickly girlish giggle. He wanted to die. Where was Voldemort when you needed him?!

“Severus. So glad to see you again.” Her high girly voice made him shudder.

He cleared his throat attempting to regain his composure
“Dolores...what a surprise.” He scowled again causing her to giggle as she pushed past him into his quarters. His hand looked quickly for his wand. ‘Damn’ he thought. He had left it next to his glass.

“Does Dumbledore know you’re here?” he asked, rather annoyed she managed push her way past, wishing he could perform a large amount of Unforgivables on her right there and then.

“Hmmm? ...Oh er no... I came to see you actually.” She smiled, her quick eye passing over his rooms and then finally over him. Severus felt dirty.

“Really?” he snarled.

“Yes. I’m going to be around quite a bit from now on, it seems.” She put her index finger at the end of her crinkled lips, biting on the tip of it suggestively. “And so I thought I would take this opportunity to let you know my offer still stands.” She giggled again.


“Pardon?!”

“Surely you remember my offer Severus?!” She was closing the gap between them slowly, her finger moving down her pimple-ridden chin. He began edging further back in response. She had a slight unhinged look to her which was unnerving Snape further.


“I’ll just let Dumbledore know you’re here, shall I?”

A noise from behind him made him jump.

“That’s quite all right, Severus, I can see for myself.” Dumbledore smiled as he entered the room.

Severus had to restrain himself from jumping into the Headmaster’s arms. Overwhelming relief flooded through him.

“Ah, Professor Dumbledore, I was about to come and see you.” Her ugly smile hardened slightly.

“I’m afraid it’s a bit late, Dolores, to be propositioning members of my staff; perhaps you could come back tomorrow?”

“Oh, is that the time?” She glanced at the grandfather clock by Snape’s fireplace. “I’m sorry, I must be going.” She tottered up to Snape “I’m staying in the Three Broomsticks, if you want to talk.” She moved to kiss his cheek as he stepped away, causing him to trip on the rug beneath him, falling into the bookcase.

Looking startled, Dolores Umbridge tottered from the room under the watchful eye of the Headmaster, who left quietly, but not before giving Severus a wink.

Severus picked himself up from off his bookcase and hastily shut the door. He grabbed his wand and warded the door three times over. He then grabbed the bottle of Ogden\'s and downed a large quantity before taking a long shower. He only wished he could scrub his brain... An hour and the rest of the bottle of whiskey later, Severus collapsed on his bed. He didn’t wake from his alcohol-induced coma until early the next morning. He was not in a happy mood.


A/N : The other chapters are still being beta\'d so thank you for your patientce and I have a new chapter coming veeeery soon. So watch this space!