It Goes Both Ways

A/N: This story was based off of a gorgeous piece of fanart by a_fallen_sister: First Touch (http://www.livejournal.com/users/a_fallen_sister/789.html). The image is not worksafe.

The first time Remus and Sirius kissed was, in truth, not spectacular. They were fourteen years old and Sirius grabbed Remus’ face and stuck his tongue in Remus’ mouth.

Not spectacular.

Remus hadn’t asked for it and didn’t particularly want it, but those are the consequences when one plays truth or dare. Remus opened his mouth and remained still. James was counting to ten loudly in the background while Peter giggled. At the count of ten, Remus jerked his face away and Sirius sprinted to the other side of the dorm.

“You’re a sick man, James Potter,” Remus said, feeling calmer than he would have expected after such an event.

“Good sport, Moony,” James replied, grinning.

“I think Sirius liked it,” Peter added between snorts.

“Did not!” Sirius called from beneath the mass of pillows and blankets on his bed.

“Oh, come back here, Sirius, it’s not a big deal,” Remus called. Sirius peeked his head out from the bed.

“At least Remus is comfortable in his sexuality,” James said loudly, and Sirius scrambled to join them.

Remus just smiled.

*****

The second time Remus and Sirius kissed, they were really, really drunk. It was sixth year, winter vacation, and James and Peter had gone home. Remus had to stay at Hogwarts, because his parents were on a holiday to visit cousins. Sirius offered to stay with him.

“It’s not like I want to go home,” he had scoffed.

James gave them a brown paper bag as he was leaving. “Happy Christmas,” he said with a knowing grin and disappeared out the door. They said goodbye to Peter and settled down in the common room – the only Gryffindors left.

Remus watched Sirius open the bag and saw his eyes go wide; he pulled out a bottle of rum. Sirius grinned. Remus smiled back nervously.

“Remus, I am going to get you drunk tonight.”

“You know, Sirius, I really don’t think -”

“Oh, quiet. You’ll like it, I promise.”

Remus’ eyes shifted as they do when he’s on the verge of imploding. Sirius then grabbed his wrist and pulled him outside for a very thorough, very wet, and mostly enjoyable snowball fight. Then they returned to the sanctuary of the Great Hall for dinner, still shaking ice chunks out of their hair, and then retreated to the common room to sit in front of the fire. Remus was quite enjoying the evening.

And then Sirius pulled the rum seemingly out of nowhere.

“One shot, Moony,” he pleaded and quickly summoned two shot glasses Remus had not known were in his possession. It was then that Remus realized Sirius and James had definitely gotten drunk together before, probably multiple times.

“Sirius -”

“Don’t be scared, it’ll be really fun. At worst, you’ll just fall asleep.”

“And waste my evening?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Most likely, you will enjoy an amazingly fun evening with your buddy Padfoot.”

Sirius poured two shots.

“Just one.” He handed it to Remus. Remus took it nervously. “On three. One…two…three!” Sirius downed his while Remus watched him, then drank his own quickly. Pumpkin juice was handed to him before it even went down and he drank it greedily. Of all the unpleasant experiences…

Sirius patted his back. “Not so bad, was it?”

“Not so good,” Remus replied, sending a glare his way.

“Here, do another one quick,” Sirius said, pouring them out and, not knowing why, Remus did. It wasn’t as bad, he supposed, now that he knew what to expect, and Sirius clapped him on the back again as he gulped the pumpkin juice down.

Four more shots and one hour later, Remus was drunk. He told this to Sirius.

“Sirius, I’m really drunk!”

“Me too, Moony. Wait – I’m going to change.”

Remus turned his head to the side to look, still surprised by the way everything went blurry and confusing for a minute, and saw a giant black dog beside him, panting and grinning. He jumped onto Remus’ chest and began licking his face. At this point, Remus broke out into uncontrollable giggles. He threaded his hands through the soft fur, rubbing and stroking. Sirius turned back into a person, suddenly, and was just on Remus, completely naked, his mouth on Remus’ neck.

Remus’ eyes went wide but Sirius burst into his own fit of giggles and Remus couldn’t help grinning. It was funny, wasn’t it? Sirius kept licking him exaggeratedly, all over his face and neck and suddenly his tongue was in Remus’ mouth. How it happened, Remus will never know, but it wasn’t just playing anymore – Sirius was kissing him, really kissing him.

Remus’ mind felt filled with cobwebs and he couldn’t focus on the fact that this was Sirius, his best friend Sirius, he could only focus on how that wet tongue felt sliding against his own.

And fuck, how it felt.

Sirius began moving his mouth down, kissing and licking in all seriousness and focus and Remus moaned. Sirius was incredibly sloppy and all over the place and Remus thought for a moment how insanely drunk they were and how Sirius wasn’t even gay.

…That he knew of.

“Sirius,” he mumbled, pushing him back. “Sirius, stop.”

Sirius leaned back and looked at him.

“You don’t want to do this,” Remus insisted.

“What’re you – ‘re you talking about? I do, I do -”

“You’re – you’re really drunk, and so am I, and you’re naked, and you’ll re…regret it. In the morning. Let’s just – go to bed, okay?” Remus was amazed that full sentences were coming out of his mouth.

“Okay,” Sirius agreed. “Come to bed with me.” He latched his mouth onto Remus’ neck.

“Drunk, Sirius, so, so, so drunk -” Remus put his hand in Sirius’ hair.

“I know you want to, Moony. Come on, let’s go to – bed.” He giggled.

“I’ll go to my bed, and you go you – I mean, you go to yours!”

“Come with me.” Sirius stood up, wavered slightly, and then held out his hand; Remus grabbed it, and Sirius pulled him up. Remus placed his hands on Sirius’ shoulders and Sirius suddenly pulled him into a hug. Remus fell against his body, sliding his hands around Sirius’ bare back. “Come on, Moony.” Sirius dragged him up the stairs and to the dorm. He climbed into bed and Remus began taking off his clothes methodically, undoing each button of his shirt slowly, sliding his trousers past his hips until he was in nothing but his boxers.

He got into his own bed and Sirius whined.

“Moony, come to my bed!”

“No, Sirius! Go to sleep!”

“…I am very tired,” Sirius conceded.

“Me too.”

“Okay. Okay.”

Ten minutes later, both boys were resting peacefully, eyes closed, minds moving toward the place where dreams take over.

*****

The third time Remus and Sirius kissed, Remus got hard. It was four days after the Drunken Licking Incident, as Remus liked to refer to it in his mind. Neither had mentioned the Incident – Remus wasn’t sure Sirius remembered, in all honesty, and he didn’t want to make the remainder of break awkward, as it would inevitably be. Thus, they continued on their merry route of friendship, and Remus tried to ignore the fact that thinking of Sirius’ tongue in his mouth sent several pleasurable waves through his body.

Remus and Sirius had fallen into a routine which included sitting by the fire at night and just staring, or talking, until one or both of them fell asleep. Tonight, Sirius seemed determined to get some sort of answer about Remus’ romantic life (or lack thereof).

“If you could shag one girl in Gryffindor, who would it be?”

Remus shrugged.

“One of our younger female professors? We’ve got some pretty -”

Remus shook his head.

“Anyone in the whole school? Anyone at all?”

“Anyone?” Remus echoed, glancing at Sirius.

“Anyone,” Sirius confirmed.

“Jake Topher. He’s a seventh year Ravenclaw.”

Remus didn’t know what had compelled him to say it – he immediately began berating himself and clutching the arms of the chair in nervousness. There was silence for at least ninety seconds and each one felt like a minute, at least. Remus felt a bead of swear drip down his temple.

“Well. News to me.”

“Sirius -”

“It’s fine, Remus – I mean, I just – why didn’t you tell me earlier? Do James and Peter know?”

“No one knows.”

“Are you really that – I mean, why didn’t you tell us?”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think it was – necessary, or relevant, or important -”

“Remus, it’s a huge part of your life! Of course it’s important!”

“I didn’t want you guys to feel…weird, or think I wanted you, or something.”

“I know you don’t want me, after Friday.” Sirius said this very quietly, as though trying not to say it and have it be heard anyway.

“What…”

“You just…I don’t know, Remus, I’m not used to getting flat out rejected like you did.”

Remus recognized Sirius’ tone – he doesn’t hear it very often, but it always fascinates him when he does. Sirius doesn’t pretend, usually – he’s open with everything, consequences be damned – so at this point, when Remus heard light-heartedness, he realized immediately that it went deeper, and underneath he heard the slightest bitterness Sirius never intended for Remus to pick up on.

As such, he didn’t know how to respond. “Sirius…”

“Don’t, Remus, it’s not a big deal, I just -”

“You were really drunk, and so was I, and I didn’t think you would ever want something like that when you were sober.”

“I really wanted you.”

“But you’re not -”

“I know, Remus! But I’m telling you that I wanted you!”

“You wanted. Past tense. When you were wasted. So it’s good I rejected you.”

“No, it’s not!”

“I’m not going to have my first everything with someone who doesn’t really care about me, Sirius! No – I know you care about me, don’t look at me like that, but as a friend, Sirius, you care about me as a friend. I want to be with someone who wants me and not just for one night, not just when they’re drunk, but…” Remus sighed. “My first kiss was with you and I don’t want you to be the first person to wank me off, or give me head, or have sex with me, because you’re my friend, Sirius – my friend. I don’t – I don’t know.”

There was a lengthy silence. Remus stared straight ahead at the fire, unwilling to look at Sirius beside him. He didn’t have any idea what Sirius was thinking and wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“What if I told you I wanted you to be my firsts for the same reason?”

“You’ve already had sex, Sirius!”

“Not with a guy.”

“I don’t want to be your little gay experimentation buddy! I am gay, not just curious!”

“Remus, stand up.” Remus cast a wary glance at Sirius but did as he said. Sirius got up and stood directly in front of him. “I’m not just experimenting, and this isn’t temporary. I like you, Remus.” Sirius’ face was dangerously close to Remus’; he could feel the hot breath and smell the milk from dinner. “Close your eyes. Let me show you how very serious I am.”

And God help him, Remus did.

He waited for what seemed like forever but was really just a few seconds; then Sirius’ lips were against his own, warm and slightly wet. Sirius’ arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him close. He felt so strong, so firm against Remus’ body – Remus was on the verge of bursting into laughter, or tears, or both. It was too much for him – Sirius felt so good, so very right, and he couldn’t stop himself, even though his mind was screaming no at him, no, Remus, no. Sirius’ tongue and body and scent, all so close to him, so prevalent –

And it was gone. Sirius had pulled away. And Remus was left hard and desperate for more.

“Please don’t think I’m making this up.”

“Sirius…”

“Moony.”

Their foreheads rested together briefly and Remus realized he had never done that with another person. It seemed so intimate.

“Sleep on it, okay? We can talk about it tomorrow night.” Remus wasn’t going to – couldn’t – just take this at face value. He needed to be sure, needed Sirius to be sure.

Sirius looked like he wanted to protest, but instead nodded his assent. He did pull Remus into another close hug; Remus could feel those long fingers splayed across his back. Sirius was always there – Padfoot – his friend.

The Marauders.

What would James and Peter think if he and Sirius…

Remus cut himself off. This wouldn’t go anywhere, he told himself. It was no use thinking about their reactions because they’ll never know that nothing happened.

“Let’s go to bed.”

Sirius nodded, and they walked up to the dormitory. Remus waited half an hour, his mind running, until he could hear the deep, heavy breathing that meant Sirius was asleep. He bit his lip and wrapped his hand around his cock; it didn’t take long for him to come.

It never did, when he was thinking about Sirius.

*****

The fourth time Remus and Sirius kissed, it went further. It was the next day. That morning, Remus had awoken and left Sirius a note not to come looking for him; he needed time to think. He escaped to his sanctuary: the library.

He had finished all his homework by lunch and snuck down to the kitchens to get some sandwiches. Chatting mindlessly with a house-elf as he ate, Remus thought of Sirius for the first time in ten or so minutes and a tremor of nervousness ran through his body.

What if Sirius decided he really didn’t want him? No – what if he decided he did?

Remus had wanted to give Sirius the day – a full day, where he could think about guys, and girls, and wank to his porn filled with women and realize that no, Remus didn’t have tits, nor was he likely to grow them.

Remus walked slowly back to the library and read for a few hours more. It was nice, he thought, that he could sit here in the quietness and just relax. Usually there were students all over and try as he might, the background chatter always annoyed him to no end. Even with the thought of having to talk to Sirius after dinner, Remus could focus in the quietness.

Finally, he stretched his hands above his head and stood up. Sirius wouldn’t make a scene in front of Dumbledore, so he felt confident about dinner; he just had to drop his books off in his room first. It was dark when he entered and Remus threw the books on his bed. Turning around, he started when he saw Sirius lying in his own bed.

“Jesus Christ, Sirius!”

“Remus.” There, that was different – that was a tone Remus was sure he had never heard before. He also wasn’t sure what it meant.

“Er. Want to go get dinner?”

“No.” A pause.

“What have you been doing today?” Remus asked, trying to get him to say something.

“Thinking.”

“Come to any good conclusions?”

“I still like girls.”

Oh. No shying away from it, then.

Sirius looked up at Remus as though waiting for an answer. Remus swallowed.

“Um. That’s nice?”

“You don’t care,” Sirius said. “You wouldn’t care if I just…if I said those things before, last night, and then today said oh well, you’re not really my type.”

Remus didn’t say anything – he wasn’t quite sure what point Sirius was trying to make, and decided to let him talk himself out.

“You wouldn’t!” Sirius exclaimed rather suddenly, his eyes wide.

“Sirius, what are you trying to get at?”

“You go on and on about this like it’s a big thing for you, like you’re making this huge sacrifice but I’m the one that usually likes girls, Remus, and you are the only guy I have ever felt – attracted to, but you’re telling me you don’t give a shit if I lead you on like I did and then just forget about it completely?”

“What? Of course not, Sirius! I would be fucking pissed, and hurt, and mad at myself for believing you, but in the end there is nothing I can do about it and if you want to go shag all the girls in the world you can and I can’t stop you and the fact that I want you has nothing to do with it.”

“Yes it does! It has everything to do with it!”

“Agh!” Remus was aware that he had just spoken a nonsense monosyllable and didn’t even care. He was frustrated and confused and all he wanted was Sirius in his arms but he didn’t know if Sirius was going to let Remus have him.

Then he was just there – Sirius had gotten up and wrapped his arms around Remus and was kissing him and kissing him and it was perfect. Perfect. And it was Sirius.

“I do want you, Moony,” Sirius said, their lips still touching.

“I want you too, Padfoot,” Remus said back.

They kissed again, deeper and more intensely and Remus poured everything he could into the kiss – all the tension and confusion that had been building between them from the past five days, melting it away with Sirius’ lips and tongue and hands around his waist, calming him and refreshing him and oh God, he wanted Sirius.

Sirius began loosening his tie and Remus pulled back, looking at him. This was real. He and Sirius were going to get naked.

And touch each other.

Remus swallowed again.

Sirius gave him a little grin and began undoing his trousers. Remus followed suit. His fingers suddenly felt thick and clumsy compared to Sirius’ nimble ones and he struggled to go quickly. He slid his trousers off and folded them sideways, laying them at the bottom of Sirius’ bed. He loosened his tie and began unbuttoning his shirt, sliding it off and folding it sideways as well, laying it on top. Remus glanced at Sirius and noticed a look that was half-lust and half-incredulity; he realized all he had left on were his tie and boxer shorts, and that may have accounted for the lust. The folded clothes must have been the incredulity, he decided, as he glanced at Sirius’ outfit thrown carelessly at the headboard. He suddenly couldn’t stop grinning, and Sirius grabbed his tie and pulled him close, kissing him again.

Remus’ head swam. It was all so much to take in.

Sirius shucked off his boxers and left them on the floor. Remus pulled his tie over his head and laid it on his shirt, sliding his own boxers off his hips. Sirius grabbed his waist and Remus felt their cocks slide together.

Oh, God.

Sirius echoed his internal sentiments with a groan and they sat on the bed together, facing each other, still kissing, tongues twining together. Remus’ legs somehow ended up beneath Sirius’ and Sirius slid his hand up Remus’ calf, resting it on his knee. Remus broke away and began kissing down Sirius’ neck while running a finger down Sirius’ chest, his other hand twisting the strands of Sirius’ hair in his fingers.

“Can I…?” he murmured, looking Sirius in the eyes and suddenly feeling as though he were going to blush.

“Please,” Sirius murmured back and Remus wrapped his fingers around Sirius’ cock. He gave a few experimental pulls and Sirius groaned again, shifting closer and running his other hand along Remus’ thigh until he reached his cock.

Remus couldn’t concentrate on kissing anymore, not with the way Sirius’ hand felt on him and the way he could make Sirius’ breath quicken when he stroked a certain way. He lost himself in it all, in Sirius and his touch and care and the way he moved and breathed and moaned. Sirius was his.

He came first, jerking into Sirius’ hand, pressing their mouths together. Sirius came soon after, shifting so close that his cock was nestled against Remus’. Remus’ eyes rolled back in his head just at the thought of it.

“Thank you,” Sirius said quietly, licking in the vicinity of Remus’ neck.

“What are you talking about? I should be thanking you.”

“No,” Sirius insisted and kissed him again, tongue slipping between their mouths. “My Moony,” he said after a minute, glancing behind Remus at the folded clothes and grinning. “Always so precise.”

Remus blushed and thought about how silly it was for him to blush at a comment like that; after all, he could feel the come drying on his body and Sirius’ cock against his own. Sirius always did know just what to say, though, even in a situation like this, to make him feel silly. They lay down on the bed together. Sirius wiped off their bellies with a blanket and threw it on the floor, pulling the sheet to cover them.

“Glad you’re giving me a chance,” he said softly.

“It goes both ways,” Remus said back.

Sirius placed a kiss to his shoulder and they drifted off to sleep.

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