Don\'t Let Bad Fic Happen To You

Remember, this is intentionally bad fan fic. This means that grammar, spelling, purple prose, etc.-- all bets are off! It is not meant to parody anyone in particular, so don\'t get your knickers in a twist if you think you see yourself or your story in here. If anyone has an issue, please do us the courtesy of contacting us through email. Reviews, suggestions welcome, flames will be laughed at and then mocked. Enjoy!


Harry sighed, resting his aching forehead against the cool glass of his dorm window. Large crystal tears fell from his limpid emerald orbs, cascading down perfectly chiselled bronze cheeks to land in his lap.

He did not move when the dorm door opened; he simply sighed deeply again.

“Harry?” Ron’s tremulous voice caused him to dip his shoulders and sigh again, even louder.

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“How could you say such awful things about Drakkie poo?” Harry demanded, turning to face his best friend and sometimes lover.

“I just called him a ferret faced git,” Ron protested.

“Don’t do that!” Harry wailed.

“Right,” Ron muttered, wondering if he gave Harry something to fill his mouth with, would he shut the bloody hell up.

“I’m going down to the dungeons to fix the problems you made,” Harry announced.

“But I thought we were playing ‘hide the broomstick’ tonight,” Ron protested.

“You just lost your turn after that remark against my little Dragon,” Harry huffed.

“But Harry, that means I have to wait until…” He quickly added days, mentally going through his rivals.

‘Let’s see, Draco tonight, Snape, Blaise…was Lucius going to be here this weekend?’

“Three more days,” he finished.

“Four,” Harry said smugly.

‘Damn, Lucius is visiting.’

“Fine, whatever.” Ron threw himself on the bed as Harry flounced out of the room.

++++++++++

“Harry?” Ron called after Potter as he huffed down the hall. Harry, unable to resist, poked his back in the door.

With a sniff, “Yes?”

“Couldn’t you… couldn’t you entertain two of us in the same day, maybe?”

Harry let his shocked morals show plainly on his face. “What kind of a tart to you take me for? Absolutely not!”

With that, Harry was gone again. Ron wailed into the silken pillowcase, bereft and horny.

Down and down into the dungeons, Harry sought his lover. His glow-in-the-dark green eyes swept across the floor before him, making his way simpler than any other wizard’s would have been. He only employed this power so as not to stumble, however. He and Draco Malfoy were bonded by a love so unbreakably perfect that they could just sense one another.

When Harry saw his blonde prince sprawled weeping on the floor, he flung himself down at his side.

“Oh, my snooky-wooky-wums! I am soo sowwy that mean old Weaswey said that to you!”

Draco lifted his tear-splotched face, sniffling. “Well, it’s true. I’m so ugly! I feel wretched!”

Harry kissed his tears away. “You’re not ugly, my darling sugar plum fairy! You are more beautiful than even Luci… I mean, than anyone.”

“Really?” Draco asked solicitously, pursing his lips.

Harry kissed him softly, his tongue behaving like an unmanned fire hose in his lover’s mouth.

“Let me prove to you how beautiful you are.”

Harry positioned himself behind Draco’s prostrate form. He cast a spell to stop time and give himself ungodly pipe. Sex with them was hard and fast, the kind of sex that one follows with apologies and Neosporin. At the moment of climax, Draco called out “Daddy!” causing Harry to look frantically over his shoulders, expecting Lucius Malfoy.

They lay panting, spent, on the cold stone floor.

Draco was the first to speak. “What shall we do now, o my only love?”

Harry stood up and cast a spell to re-dress himself in clean, pressed robes. “Now, we go and see Hermione. I have a question to ask her. I just hope she’s not with Remus right now.”

++++++++++

They walked hand in hand through the halls, sighing deeply and looking soulfully into each other’s eyes.

Harry had learned long ago how to tone out the protestations of the students that they ran into and ran over. All that mattered was his Dragon. His Dray. His Slytherin Ice Princey Sex God to end all Sex Gods.

They finally reached Remus’ room, sweaty and rumpled from the six or seven quickies that had become necessary on the way.

Draco slammed Harry against the door, using his body to open it as he rubbed himself frantically against his lover. They rolled on the floor, clothes flying everywhere.

“OH, REMUS!”

Harry shoved hard at Draco, knocking the blond to the floor as he scrambled up. He stormed into the Professor’s bedroom.

“Remus!” he wailed, stunned by the sight of his best friend en flagrante delicto with his professor. “You turned me down, for her?!”

“Harry, I thought you loved me,” Draco demanded, stomping his foot.

“On Tuesdays, love, yes, I do. But I asked Remus to be with me on Thursdays.”

“Oh,” Draco said, with his face screwed up into a cute little pout.

“Harry, dear, you’re interrupting the vibe,” Sirius said, parting the bead curtain covering the doorway to the bathroom and walking out. He beamed at Remus and Hermione before frowning at Harry.

“Is it Tuesday all ready?”

“No, Ron made me mad. Just like you two are,” Harry said in a querulous voice.

He glared at Hermione, unaware of the castle shaking or the dark storm clouds that gathered both outside and in the Great Hall. When he crossed his arms, staircases reacted all over, flinging students here and there. Harry tossed his head, making his magnificent ebony locks fly, and the windows shattered in the room.

“Harry, you must calm down,” Remus pleaded, on his knees. Harry couldn’t help but appreciate his lean, scarred form. Strings of drool dribbled from his mouth at all the man flesh he could see, but couldn’t touch.

“Oh, my wolfie, I love to see you all, masterful, like this,” Sirius purred.

“Then come here, my doggie, and I’ll show you what masterful is,” Remus said.

“Did I say either of you could speak?” Hermione asked. She rolled off her bed, straightened her black leather bustier and experimentally cracked her whip. Instantly, both men were on the bed, tongues lolling out as they panted and wagged their arses in the air.

“Fine, play with them, see if I care,” Harry said, turning his nose into the air. “Come along, Drakkie poo.”

“I think I’ll stay,” Draco asked, unable to drag his eyes away from the bits jiggling on the bed.

“FINE!” Harry raged. He stormed from the room, slamming the door as hard as he could behind him.

Sparks flew from his eyes, the very magic crackled around him, tazering people as he stomped past them. If his Drakikins wanted to be that way, he’d just have to go see his Severus. It wasn’t Wednesday yet, but the terminally Dark And Sexy Potions Master would be happy to see his little schoolboy Harry.

++++++++++

As Harry stalked into the room, still throwing sparks off of his righteous indignation, Snape addressed him with his cold, deadpan face.

“I’m Snape, the potions master.”*

Harry made a little moue of disgust. “I know that, Sevvie; we’ve been shagging for months.”

“Right. Anyway… I’ll teach you to show up on a non-scheduled day, Potter. Perhaps the Boy-Who-Lived needs a few small lessons in pain.”

Harry snapped his enchanted fingers and was instantly dressed in his sheep costume. His fluffs of tufting snow-white wool fell across his eyes and he shook his floppy little tail. Severus Snape glowed green all over for a moment, and then he was in costume as well.

Flowing blonde, curly locks lay shining on his shoulders. He batted his long, golden eyelashes and clasped his hands, now clothed in little white lace mitts. His pink dress was flounced and frothing with Swiss eyelet and his smooth legs were without stockings. His lace-gloved hand gripped his shepherdess’ staff cruelly as he ordered his little lamb about.

THWACK! The staff collided with the sheep’s rear and Harry bleated in a high-pitched, desire-drenched voice. “Oh mistress Bo-Peep! Have mercy!”

But there was no mercy to be had. Severus Bo-Peep ruthlessly sheared Harry’s wool, leaving him naked and shivering, munching on grass.

When they both had had their fill, Harry made them both levitate and relax, his own deep breathing conjuring a cooling breeze that flowed gently through the castle’s broken windows.

Their idyll was shattered when Hermione, ever the harbinger of dreadful news, skidded to a stop in front of them, arriving at a dead run. Her bosom was heaving in her leather corset, her black makeup running, her stiletto boots throwing sparks. She haphazardly wiped a few droplets of Parvati’s blood from her cheek.

“Percy has been murdered!”

As one, Snape and Harry gasped aloud.

“This looks like a job for… THE HOGWARTS MEDDLERS!”

A few minutes later, in all their glory, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were dressed in school robes, wands at the ready, strode down an empty hallway of Hogwarts Castle. A prevailing wind whipped their hair back, causing their robes to fly out behind. They walked in unison, each common step the downbeat of a rock song waiting to happen. Dumbledore would not stop them. Fitch could not see them, cloaked as they were by Harry’s magic net of see-through-ness. They would find that old killer. Oh yes, they would.

++++++++++

Inside the Chamber of Secretstm Ginny was carefully plotting Harry and Co.’s demise. It had taken four years, four long years of putting up with her snivelling brothers, four excruciating years of being the cute little Weasley girl, but she was finally ready.

She snarled into the empty air of the chill cavern, remembering the last time she was here. Spent from her time with that lovely boy Riddle, this close to helping him take over the world and Harry had had the audacity to not only ‘save her’ but then to brush her off for anything that was male and dangling.

But no more. She had killed Percy in the most ingenious way. He was just the first step in her quest for world domination. After all, who would ever guess she was to blame for his ‘unfortunate accident’ while hunting? One could never tell when a rampaging herd of puffskeins would turn violent, after all.

She cackled to herself and returned to brewing her foul evil potions and working out the dastardly spells she would use to bring the world to its knees….

++++++++++

Bubble bubble spoil and hubble telescopes will bring much trouble murmured jenny in the voice of an old hag she dropped a lock of percys hair into the brew and sneezed as a cloud of red smoke hit her in the face suddenly her chamber of secrets was invaded by hairy hermion and her brother don weasely you will never take me alive she screamed and began to fly above theyre heads oh no they shouted in younison hairy pulled out his wand and cast a petrifuckus totalus but he missed and shit the sealing instead I know yelled hermion but don cut her off shes my sister let me handle this jenny I am going to tell mom and you will be in soo much trouble you woulndnt jenny screamed desparately oh yes I would unless you turn yourself in to us this instant jenny floated to the floor with shame all over face hairy transubstanchiated a pair of handcuffs from a doughnut he was carrying and locked her up then don leaned close to her ear and said I am going to tell mom anyway shes going to be soo livid that you killed our bother percy but jenny did not hear him her evil brain was ticking away with ways to get in touch with her dark lord who had only let hairy potter live for one diabollicle reason and they were all about to learn that.

++++++++++

“I’m what!?” Harry flared at Dumbledore, his eyes shooting literal sparks.

Unfazed, Dumbledore patted out the fires that had started on his paisley puce and mustard coloured robe.

“Promised in marriage to Voldemort. Or Snape. Or was it Lucius Malfoy?” He thoughtfully stroked his beard, trying to remember which story they were in.

“Oh, well, I’m sure it will come to me. You still must meet with Voldemort.”

“And if I refuse?” Harry threw himself into a chair, making is slide backwards, slam into the wall, and collapse on the floor.

“You simply can’t, dear boy,” Dumbledore looked scandalized. “It simply isn’t done in matters of bonding like this.”

“Who initiated this?” Harry asked. “If it was Seamus, that little slut, he asked for it, and it isn’t my fault he wasn’t enough to satisfy me.”

“I believe it was Voldemort himself,” Dumbledore said. He beamed at Harry and handed a scroll over to him.

“I want Harry Potter. I want to fuc…kill…. Uh, talk to him. Just talk. That’s all. About our upcoming orgy… uh, bonding. Have him meet me using this port key. One of the Malfoys can come with him, I’m sure they do regularly. Oh, and he should be dressed simply, no robes.”

“And you’re going to make me do this?”

“Of course. Otherwise how else are we going to move the plot along? Gotta have sex and conflict,” Sirius chimed in. “Although I think I’m supposed to be upset about this.”

“Yes, you mutt, I’m the understanding one,” Remus said, smacking Sirius upside the head.

“Thank you, sir, may I have another?” Sirius asked immediately, earning him a pat on the head and a doggie biscuit.

Harry stormed from the room, using his patented Angry Exit Number Fivetm. The walls of the castle shook from the force of his anger as he transformed into one of his many Animagus forms.

Everyone scattered in the path of the angry black phoenix that screamed as it flew to Gryffindor Tower. It landed, immediately changing into a huge, deadly but beautiful black panther, that paused for just a moment as all the girls awwwed and oohhheed over it. Then the beast ran up the stairs.

Harry changed back and stripped quickly, choosing his clothes with care. If he had to go to this meeting, maybe he could induce a coronary before the disgusting foul creature could touch him.

“Yes,” he muttered to himself, “this will do nicely.”

Half the population swooned when Harry reappeared in the front hall, easily apparating around Hogwarts since he was not only a direct descendent of the Founders but also a future Headmaster. He was dressed in ripped leather trousers that left nothing to the imagination, knee high boots covered in studs, a low riding leather belt with studs, and a leather cod piece with a coin slot marked “Place quarters here to ride”.

His shirt was also torn, barely hanging on him, although you could still make out the legend, “Parking in Rear”. His nipple rings glowing through the tattered cloth. His skin had been oiled and shone in the light of the flickering torches. His hair was brushed and glowing and his beryl eyes glowing with fire.

He tossed his hair back and the remaining students hit the floor with a thud. He approached Lucius, and closed his mouth with a single finger.

“I’m ready to meet my Master,” he purred, sliding his fragile hand in Lucius’ much larger one.