Harry’s awakening

Harry looked out of his window. The iron bars that had been put there by Vernon
kept him inside his room. The only time he was allowed outside was on Sundays and
even that was no more then few ours. Once again he had no contact with his friends
and no one was writing him. He had sent out some letters, but none from them was
answered. He really doubted that Dursley’s had something to do with it. Hedwing did
after all come right into his room.

After the sixth year in Hogwarts Harry had started to believe that nobody really gives
a shit, is he going to live or die. They only care that he would kill the Dark Lord
and then he should also disappear. Only in his fifth year when he said that Voldemort
is back everyone said that he is crazy and wants to hog attention. But in his sixth
year he truly felt how he started to hate the press. They wrote that he should be
powerful enough to kill the Dark Lord, but they also described him as some one who only
wants power. It was clear that they wanted to convey the message that he could become
the next Dark Lord if he should be left alone after he kills Voldemort. They didn’t say
it outright but the message was clear if you read hard enough. The other students had
taken up on it and the year had grown progressively worse. Even when he did go to the
Hogsmade all the people had talked behind his back that he is too dangerous. Even Ron
had that look in his eyes. He never said anything, but Harry could sense that Ron felt
the same way as others did. During that year he started to doubt Dumbeldore, but he still
held some respect for him. But now when he was back in Number 4 Private Drive he really
felt so lonely that he really considered breaking his word to Dumbeldore and go into
the Burrow. He remembered as he begged Dumbeldore to not send him back to Privet Drive.
He had begged him to let him remain in the Hogwart castle or send him to the Weasley’s.
But Dumbeldore had only smiled and said, that it is all for his own good.

Harry could not believe how being mistreated by the Dursley’s was all for his own good.
It is true that he does not like talk about what is going on in the house, but Dumbeldore
should know, what is happening there. Shouldn’t he? Dumbeldore had always known when
something happened to him, but why then doesn’t he help him with the Dursley’s.

The more Harry thought about it during his summer the more he felt that Dumbeldore knew
exactly, what is going on with the Dursley’s. The reason, that as long as he was here
Voldemort could not hurt him, didn’t seem to be the only one. He had been almost killed
by Voldemort. It was true that he could not touch him, but now that he had his own blood
in his veins that no longer applied. And the killing curse really doesn’t give a shit
who it kills. After all Voldemort is not the only one who can cast it.

Thinking in those lines he came to an understanding that Dumbeldore had something else
planed for him. He remembered all so clearly the prophecy that said that he was the one
to kill Voldemort. But why then was he not included in the planning and why did they try
to keep him in the dark. What was Dumbeldores ultimate goal? What did he plan for the
wizarding world after the war? Did it include him? Or will he be dropped like his
godfather Sirius. He truly felt that Sirius’s death was Dumbeldores fault. Dumbeldore
had always kept him out of the proceedings and when it finally caused Sirius’s death
all he said that he is sorry that it happened. Did Dumbeldore try to keep him in the
loop after that? No, all he did was send him back to the Dursley’s and the year that
followed it he did nothing to make certain that he was aware what’s going on. He had
to discover it him self and when he did all that was said was that it was for his own
good that it wasn’t told him.

Harry felt how anger and depression crept into him. He was kept powerless to control
his own future, but strong enough to kill Voldemort. He was taught how to fight, but
not how to live. The only thing that he could think of why he was taught this way was
that he was to be a soldier. A soldier who is trained to kill his target, while he dies
with the target.

When he came up with that idea, it all suddenly made sense. Dumbeldore didn’t want him
to survive. He was too dangerous to keep around. Was it that he was too popular or that
he was too strong he did not know? But he suspected that it was the later. Dumbeldore
did not want strong and independent witches or wizards. He wanted them relatively weak
and loyal to the leaders.

It now also made sense why Dumbeldore didn’t want that the houses were united. Sure he
talked about being united, but he did nothing to make it happen. It was now clear that
he was sorting them out. Ones to be slaughtered like sheep and other lead the way only
he wanted. It was clear that all the people that followed Voldemort would be sent into
Askaban to be given the dementors kiss or outright killed. That was the reason why
Dumbeldore wanted to know who was aligned where. And he had been sorting them out in
Hogwarts for some time. Ones to slaughter and ones to lead like the sheep not willing
to know what is going on.

Harry started to believe that Voldemort really wasn’t anything more then something
Dumbeldore created to make the sorting faster and easier. The strong ones that he could
not press into his little bocks had nowhere else to go as to turn to Voldemort and turn
bad. Harry did not disillusion him self to believe that the people that followed
Voldemort were innocents that turned bad when they came into contact with him. He was
certain that most were corrupt to begin with.

Harry looked out of the barred window and sighed. It was no use. He might be right about
everything, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was locked inside his room
and the times he could go out was nothing more then a torture. The Dursley’s had not
locked his stuff away, but it did not help him. Even if he did some magic the next second
there would be some one from the Ministry to punish him. The only real way to learn how
to live was to go outside, but that was denied for him. Even if he wanted to learn how
to too spells, he couldn’t. Once again it was going to be a hard summer and after that
it was going to be a difficult year in Hogwarts. He reasoned that he could learn there
how to be a really strong wizard, but he doubted it. The least that he could do there
was to learn how to fight.

Harry looked gown to the floor and sighed and then mumbled: “I might know what
Dumbeldore wants with me. I even might know what he really is up to. But I can do nothing
but be his little weapon to be used and then cast away.” He closes his eyes and tears
started to drop from his eyes. “I’m so pathetic. I can’t even take control of my life.”
He reopens his eyes and looks out in to the street and then wows: “If by some miracle
I’m given a chance to control my own future I will take it.”

Harry really doubts it will ever happen. He was certain that Dumbeldore would make
certain that the chance would never come. After all he has controlled his life from
the moment he was born. And for Dumbeldore it would be no problem to control him for
few more years, but he hoped that there was some way he could regain control.