Group Dynamics or One Flew Over the Snidget\'s Nest

I’m sorry to have not posted in ages! Thanks to all those who read and rated my first 2 fics, Dreams and Musings. Just knowing some folks thought they had merit was very inspiring. This next fic is designed to be a parody. It is a bunny that has been hopping around my head for ages. All the disclaimers apply. I didn’t create the characters (except Tasha Allen), but I’m just borrowing them for a while!


Group Dynamics or One Flew Over the Snidget’s Nest

She was nervous. Running therapy groups was never her thing and she preferred individual sessions. Tasha didn’t realize the challenges she would be taking on when she agreed to an internship in the UK. Her mentor back at Salem assured her she was up to it, but as she contemplated the motley crew before her she was not sure. The war with Voldemort was over but it left some serious emotional, physical and mental devastation in its wake. As a witch, she was quite talented, intelligent and sensitive to the feelings of others. She knew her goal in life was to help others with their emotions. As she received a deadly glare from a black garbed figure in the corner, she thought perhaps Advanced Basket Weaving 101 might have not been a bad alternative after all.

St Mungo’s kept the group from Hogwarts together, feeling that their familiarity and common experience would enhance the healing process. Much of what they experienced was like a puzzle and could not be completed without all the pieces. Tasha took note of where the group members placed themselves around the circle. The aforementioned man in black looked suspicious and nasty. He placed himself in a position where his back was against the wall and facing the door to the room. She had read about him in the case file: Severus Snape, sexual sadist with delusions of grandeur. He had been convicted of the kidnapping of Narcissa Malfoy (known to suffer from female sexual dysfunction). He was caught in the Hogwarts dungeons naked as a jay bird and hog tying an equally naked and terrified Narcissa , whom he referred to as “the Ice Queen,” while he threatened to inflict pain by whipping her until she “begged” him to stop and then he would “open up that frozen channel” with his “hot wand of love.” He was leering at a very uncomfortable Minerva McGonagall who wrapped her outer robe more tightly around herself and raised a wrinkled hand to her throat. Professor McGonagall had been known to have her problems in the area of sex also and was universally known as “that frigid old hag,” by other group members.

To her immediate right was Hermione Granger. She was known as the “insufferable know-it-all,” and Tasha could see why. Professionally speaking, Miss Granger was an enabler and had been in a long-standing codependent relationship with Neville Longbottom (who was cowering in a corner, furthest away from Professor Snape). Personally speaking, Tasha was attempting to control her own counter transference as Miss Granger attempted to be the unofficial co-leader of the group. Therapeutic groups being what they are, there are always leaders that emerge and – especially this one – they often avoid dealing with their issues. Getting Miss Granger out of her enabling habits was proving difficult. Poor Neville would not be able to develop his own abilities if he was constantly being rescued. Snape had often tried to give opinions on this as he claimed to have encountered it frequently as a professor. He would try to take points from Hermione and the ensuing argument (“you can’t take points, I’m not your student anymore”) would degenerate into Snape describing how he could easily “come over there, turn you over my knee and spank you, you insolent chit!”

Sitting next to Hermione was The Famous Harry Potter (as he called himself) or Scar Head (Snape). He was looking suitably bored. As often happens in trauma sufferers, one can become “stuck” in the developmental stage in which the trauma occurs. Harry had remained with adolescent behaviors such as feeling the world revolved around him, that no one understood his suffering and that he was immortal. Harry was always organizing “rescue” missions to find those “lost” on weekend passes. He would be convinced they were in mortal danger. The doctors saw this as his attempt to re-create a past failure in order to correct it. He was also subject to delusions that he communicated with the spirit of Sirius Black through mirrors.

Finally, there was Hagrid. He was an alcoholic who had problems with emotional lability and was extremely gullible. Other residents of St Mungo’s were constantly trying to get him to hide their contraband in exchange for alcohol or illegal pets. The staff decided to let him keep flobberworms, as they seemed harmless enough.


“Good morning! As you all probably know, today we are going to talk about what happened last night at dinner.”

“Let’s review the rules of the group, shall we? Who would like to begin?” Tasha noted that Hermione’s hand immediately shot up in the air. She had an intrusive image of Horschak from “Welcome Back Kotter,” bobbing up and down in his seat, hand in the air saying “Ooh, Ooh.”

“Miss Granger,” she called on Hermione as the others in the group rolled their eyes, sneered or harrumphed.

“What is said in the group, stays in group,” Hermione said eagerly.

“Yes, correct. What else?” Again the hand shot up in the air. Tasha groaned inwardly. “I would like to hear from others in the group. How about you, Neville?” Neville looked terrified and mumbled something under his breath. “I don’t think everyone heard that. Could you speak up?”

“Listen to others without interrupting,” he managed to barely choke out.

“What about you, Professor Snape?”

“Respect the opinions of other group members,” he began, “even if they are the irrelevant opinions of ignorant twits,” he finished under his breath.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that last bit,” said Tasha diplomatically.

“Never mind,” groused Snape.

They went on like this for a minute or two covering all the rules for the group. Tasha then said, “All right. About last night…”

“Well HE started it,” accused Harry, pointing a finger at Snape.

“I did no such thing. It wasn’t I who jumped in front of Hagrid threatening to curse my manhood off. Not that you would have succeeded, of course.”

“What prompted you to protect Hagrid, Harry?” asked Tasha.

“He threatened to toast my flobberworms to a crisp and serve them for a snack,” blubbered Hagrid. “Ye ought to pick on someone yer own size!” At that the rest of the group stared at Hagrid, Neville giggled and Hermione began to correct him. “Uh, Hagrid, actually –

“I know, Hermione, it’s just a figure of speech! What I’m sayin’ is that Snape is downright spiteful and my flobberworms ain’t never did nothin’ to him.”

“So, you provoked the argument with Hagrid by threatening something he cares about,” stated Tasha.

“I beg to differ,” Snape replied silkily. “I merely challenge those with lesser intellect and abilities than myself. It is a sport to occupy me otherwise I might go mad out of sheer boredom. Of course, there are ways to keep occupied, aren’t there, Minerva?” He leered to enhance his point. “I am well-versed in the dark arts, you know.” Professor McGonagall looked nervous and replied, “I am certain I don’t know what you’re talking about, Professor Snape.”


“I thought you looked pretty good with mashed potatoes hanging off that beak of yours, you ugly git,” Harry taunted. “Too bad they couldn’t cover your whole face. It would have been an improvement!”

“Why you insolent, overblown, self-important little narcissist! I spent all of those years trying to keep you alive and you still haven’t learned a thing! Why just last week you were on another “rescue mission” for useless Longbottom. If he went missing, I doubt anyone would know the difference!” Snape was a bit red in the face which only served to highlight his greasy skin. Tasha knew that Snape and Potter had a long-standing hatred of one another that only worsened throughout the stress of war. Each was so firmly entrenched in their positions that détente seemed impossible. Luckily, St. Mungo’s did not allow patients to have their wands and had wards up to protect residents from wandless magic. It was universally acknowledged that the two would have reduced the building to rubble otherwise.


“That’s not true,” said Hermione, “I would certainly know. Neville is a very important member of our group, aren’t you, Neville?” The attention of the group members turned to Neville who looked apoplectic and he was silently wishing he would disappear. “We’re supposed to respect the contributions of all group members, aren’t we, Dr. Allen?”

“That is correct, Hermione,” confirmed Tasha.

“Suck up,” whispered Harry.

“I think food fights are just horrible. The cranberry sauce someone threw at me got stuck in my hair and it took me all night just to get it out,” Hermione complained. “Think of all the work the elves go through just to put food on the table. You all should be more appreciative.”

“Oh, here we go with that ‘spew’ stuff again. You are completely mental.” Harry countered.

“IT’S NOT SPEW, IT’S S.P.E.W!!!” Hermione screamed this bit. “I seem to remember a certain messy-haired, scar-marked, immature, sorry excuse for a hero jumping up on the table and brandishing his knife challenging all who would dare to have a duel with the boy-who-lived. Really, and you think I’m mental.”

“I rather thought the crimson of the cranberries was an improvement, though how you can call that rat’s nest ‘hair’ is beyond me,” insulted Snape.

“I don’t think you should be criticizing other’s hair, Severus. Besides, I think you could use an oil change,” McGonagall interjected. Just as Snape was about to rise from his chair and grab the witch by her robes, a rustling from the doorway caught their attention.

“Um, excuse me, but am I late for the autograph signing?” A bemused Gilderoy Lockhart entered the room. “It is simply smashing to have so many legions of adoring fans where ever I go. One can never have too many, you know.”

“Oh there you are, you naughty boy,” said a nurse arriving just in time to keep the confused wizard from becoming fodder for the increasingly argumentative group. “I have to keep an eye on you every minute.” She hustled him out the door.

Tasha used this distraction to try and interrupt the group. “Professor Snape, sit down,” she ordered firmly. He glared at her but obeyed. “I can see that everyone feels quite strongly about each other and their role in last night’s incident. Time for group is almost up. I would like each of you to consider something positive about your group members and bring your ideas back to group.” This brought multiple sets of derisive eye-rolls from the members. “I would like you to apologize to one another,” this was a common task in this very antagonistic group, “and be aware that the administration had told me that one more like last night and everyone will have to eat alone in their own rooms.”



Epilogue

Tasha arrived home with a headache and a brief case full of reports to review. Her lover greeted her at the door. “Hello, darling. Rough day?”

“You know, the usual. Honestly, I don’t know how those people ever united long enough to defeat Voldemort. I can’t get them through group without almost killing each other.” Tasha sighed. “Well, at least I have you to come home to. Nice, normal, Remus Lupin.”


Fin

Thank you for reading! Please rate and review. I thought the ending would be a laugh! Poor Remus, he needs a break!