This do in Remembrance of me

There was a pause as he adjusted his body into a more comfortable position without trying to disturb the warmth that was lying next to him. He shifted the blankets away from them both as the act they had been engaged in only moments earlier had overheated him and beads of sweat still clung to his skin. She turned her body, shifting to gain more contact against his and laid her arm across his chest burying her head in the crook of his arm. She could feel him tense, struggling with the intimacy she was forcing upon him but what did he expect. They had spent more nights than she could remember in his bed, hell, she had lost count of their “meetings” as he so liked to refer to them. He would find her in the hallways, pull her into an empty classroom and take her there, be it against the stone wall or spread across the desk as some cheap trick. More often than not, he would not speak her name or address her as she tried to straiten her robes after the conclusion of the meeting before quickly turning and exiting the room. The nights she spent in his bed were her favorite; afterwards she could lie next to him and at least pretend he felt something for her besides the obvious outlet that she represented. Normally she did not speak, afraid that words somehow would hasten his telling her that she needed to leave before she was found to be out past curfew. But tonight, her words were sitting poised on her tongue waiting to be spoken and she couldn’t ignore their existence for another moment.

“Professor,” beginning slowly, “Why is that you never say my name?’

Silence clung to them, she waited but he said nothing. His only reaction was to shift even further away and pull on the blankets as if needing help to remove him self from the bed. Quickly she pulled at the sheet to cover herself and reached across the distance he had created and tugged at his arm, hoping he would stay and finally just finally speak to her.

“Please, don’t leave me. Or if you do, just say my name.” She enunciated her last four words. “I need to know that everything I have done for you has not been unnoticed. That through all this, you knew it was me, and not some nameless body that suited your needs. That I was special, that you chose me over all others.”

Nothing, he still refused to speak or acknowledge she had said a word. He sat upright, his head hanging towards the floor but at least he wasn’t trying to get away from her anymore.

“Please…just say my name and I’ll go and never ask another thing from you, I promise. Just give me that.”

Her hand was still wrapped around his arm and finally she decided she was wrong, that no matter what, he would never treat her as a lover but as someone to satisfy his needs. She dropped back against the bed and tears began to fill the corners of her eyes. She didn’t want to cry in front of him, or maybe she did. Maybe if he saw the power he had over her, he would trust her enough to talk with her, to give something of him self.

“I shouldn’t have said anything, it was obviously asking to much of the ever tormented and want to remain that way Professor Snape.” She spat the words, wiping her hand across her face, removing the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. Jerking back the sheet, she swung her legs from the bed trying to find the floor, but he reached across at that moment and pulled her back.

“Sydney, wait.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

She stopped her movements, shocked that he had spoken.

“I am very aware of who I share my bed with. It simply is safer for me if you to remain anonymous.” He spoke softy, staring deep into her eyes, “And I am most thankful for everything you have given to me.”

Still she did not move, she wasn’t even sure she continued to breathe. He was finally speaking and she couldn’t think of what to say. Not expecting him to ever give anything of himself she had not planned on this much conversation and was at a loss.

He pulled her close to him, tucking her head beneath his chin and wrapped his arms around her preventing her escape should she have been planning one. Her eyes closed at the warmth and security his embrace presented and released the breath she had been holding. He settled back into the pillows still clinging to her form and ran his hands through the golden locks that fell across her back. Several minutes passed before he finally found the courage to speak.

“Whatever you may think of me, do not think this is routine. I do not make a habit of populating my bed with students and complicating my life even more than it already is.” His eyes closed as he remembered the last seven years with crystal clarity. The hurt that consumed his soul played its self across his face and she could feel him choking back the sobs that had been buried for far to long.

“If I say your name, then you will know you matter. Then you will know how to wound me.” His arm still around her pulled her even closer into his chest and she was unable to look into his face as he continued to speak. “You will know how to lay me across the floor of hell its self for all to see, and I have already seen the view from there. I do not wish to ever go back.”

She could not imagine what he talking about, she could not fathom that someone’s love that do that to you, she could not imagine anyone having that much control over one the most powerful men in the wizarding world, or at least so she thought. Lifting her head as much as she could, she pulled one of her hands free and ran it across the features of his face.

“I have no desire to parade you through hell, I would find no great pleasure in doing so.” She stopped the movements of her hand as her fingers rested across his lips.

It was evident that he wanted to speak, that his words were now resting just over those lips that were pressed silently shut.

“Tell me,” she pleaded barley whispering the words.

Severus pulled at the air with his lungs and released it against the crown of her head, her hair falling into place to form a blanket over his chest.

“Sometimes when I look into your eyes, I think I can tell you. Sometimes I tell you inside the confines of my own mind. The words are so clear and I even hear your voice pleading with me to continue, to not stop until everything is spoken and there are no more secrets.” He still held her firmly against his own unyielding body, still afraid she would flee from him at the first chance. But she didn’t, she pressed her face harder against his chest, she wanted him to know she would not be going anywhere this evening unless at his request.

“I am here, next to you, and I don’t know my way to hell.” She pulled her face up and looked him directly in the eyes. “There will be no parade tonight, or ever, give me something, some small piece of you that you won’t even miss. That would be enough.”

It was time he spoke, he couldn’t let her feel common or cheap any longer, she meant far more than that to him.

“Her name was Jocelyn” he paused pressing his eyes firmly closed, “Jocelyn Morgan, and she knew her way around hell all to well.”