Wanting to Live
folder
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Draco
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,470
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › Slash - Male/Male › Harry/Draco
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,470
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Wanting to Live
As the sweet coldness of the icy air cut my lips, I shudder. I shouldn’t be standing here while others lay senseless around me. I should have died with the rest of them. Not because I deserve it, but because I don’t want to live here, in world that will never be the same as I remember. Living here in the world with out you. Without your soul and warmth to over ride my pain and sorrow.
The land of which I called my home, laid demolished under my feet. Bodies overlapping one another, landing lifeless to the ground. There was whimpering and cries of pain in the far distance, yet I do not here them. All I hear is an emotionless voice that I had to become to be the hero I was mapped out to be. Never had a choice, I never had a choice. It was what I had to do. To fight over evil. To kill the Lord of Darkness. I have done that. Now what?
I don’t see any point to breathing, to carrying on. My spirit has died and all is left is memories of laughing, crying, loving and, worst of all, killing. Killing because I had to, not because I wanted to. So many times I wished it would all go away. So many times I felt like I was nothing. The Darkness over took my sense of life, of passion and lust. Until you walked through, the great wood oak doors that you have gracefully entered so many times. Yet this time it was different. No smirk was on your face, you posture swinging low, eyes cast down, hair un-tailored. As of sensing someone staring, our eyes met. Your grey soft eyes lay upon mine. Yes, your eyes are soft. Not piercing with hatred. Yet sadly soft, sorrow was melting out of them has I looked into them. I knew you had changed. For good? I didn’t know. But something had changed.
As the weeks and months past on I began to realise that you had gotten over your wanting to torment me. To make me feel as low as the depths of the darkness of the ocean. You never bothered. Never bothering with anything. I could see that in the way you moved, the way you acted and the way you looked at me. You never seemed to look at anyone but me.
I don’t know when it happened, it just did. As air turned to the coldness of winter, that’s when I spoke to you. My harsh, concerned voice breaking into your confused thoughts. You answered me. Without knowing what was becoming of our relationship. At first it was friendship, yet slowly my wanting of you needed more. I tried to let it fade. To let the numbness take over yet again so I could keep my mind on task.
I pushed you way before I could not handle the feeling that was taking over me. That I could not kill the dark lord with my heart so open to love. To you. You only slightly understood. I never told anyone. Not even the ones that I loved, about the disturbing news that I had to become a murderer, so thous who are innocent could live. I am the innocent. So why can’t I live.
I do not live.
I only breathe.
I do not live.
I only move.
I do not live.
I only speak.
I thought I could handle it. You not in my life. Not looking into my eyes with a longing for, for what? Comfort? A place to feel peace? To have Love? Love. That’s what everyone wants in their existence. Not just the love you feel from your family and friendship. But the love that runs through your veins. The emotion that empowers your body. You can not make yourself love and you can not make anyone love you. That’s the rules. I never asked to fall in love. It just happened.
I wanted you. I wanted your scent of Kailua and musk. I wanted your taste on my pink lips. Your silver blonde hair entwined into my fingers. Your pale skin soothing and teasing mine. There was nothing I wanted more then to have you. To keep you locked away in my heart. My hero senses told me to leave you. To leave you be. Once this was over. Once I have done my duty, I can proceed with this inescapable feeling of lust, passion, beauty and love.
I couldn’t take it anymore. Every time we pass in the halls. Every time our hands slightly touch. It was if you were etched into my mind, my thoughts and dreams. Our lips finally melted with each others. Feeling the desire I held in for so long for you, interlaced with this kiss. In the darkness of the halls, our hands ventured the touch of each others skin. Touching, feeling, not only physical but emotional. I grasped this feeling with all my heart, with my entire obsession that I craved. That I longed for with every breathe of my soul. My life. My desire. My will to live again.
For those months we shared. I thank you. I thank you for giving me a reason. I reason to fight. No. A passion to fight. To fight for the love you and I have. The love that has filled my heart with a longing for peace within the world of war. I had never felt a feeling so strong and so purer. I wanted to hold onto this feeling forever until the end. I wanted to grow old with you. To never let you go.
Yet the doom day had come. You wanted to fight by my side. To protect me. I had never seen your eyes so scared. So scared of losing me. I was just as scared. Scared of becoming numb yet again. Scared of not feeling the enchanting sensation of affection. Of this feeling that we were captured by. That locked our hearts as one. Yet I could not put you in the position of risked death. I did not want our love to be clammed by the dark side of the battle. I told you to fight with the others. Not by my side.
You didn’t understand. You thought I was just another warrior out defending what I felt was right. The time had come. The time had come to tell the person that I loved that I would either be a killer or to be killed. He wept in my arms. Sour tears fell from his eyes. Crying for his lover. Crying for him. Crying for all the innocents. Crying for his and his lovers life. I held on to him. Not wanting to let his soul go. To let my soul go. To be crushed with the dark lords hands as if it were dry muddy clay.
I see it so clearly. As if it was a movie, replaying over and over in my mind. Sinking me lower and lower into the numbness that sent me into my darkest of days. My face. Dirt. Blood. Sweat. Hand clenched. Wand. Ready to strike. Eyes locked. Locked and trapped. Into evil. The evil of my dreams. My existence. My parents death.
Lights flashed. Wands battled. Screams. Yells. Pain. Anger. We take each other in. Knowing one will not live. Will not breathe ever again. Will not feel. Will not love. At the exact moment we cast. Anger in our voice. Yet as the light was about to leave my wand, I felt my feet leaving the ground. I felt something solid knock me down. I looked up and there I saw my soul. My life. My love. Being sucked out of me once again. I saw him fall. Fall down to the muddy, blood drenched earth that was once free from death. My eyes falling with the limp body. Tears stung my sight. I crawled over to him. Wanting him to look up and laugh at me the way he always did. To tell me that the pain that I was feeling in my heart was not happening. For his eyes to look into mine. Full of love and passion.
As I look down into his eyes. My eyes locked with fading life. His eyes filled with tears. Filled with pain. Filled with loneliness to come. His chest. Raising and falling. In short crisp, deep breathes. Struggling to breathe again.
“You are my life,”
Those words. Those last words escaped his cut up lips. His last breathe was used on me. I held his love. Our love. I cried into his body. Holding every piece of love I had for him. Beautiful him. I wanted to wake up. To wake up from this nightmare. Waking up so this wasn’t my life. My sorrow. My tears. My darkness. I didn’t want to believe. I didn’t want to believe. I didn’t want to feel. Numb. Sorrow. Despair. Loneliness.
I wanted to live.
Not breathe.
I wanted to live.
Not move.
I wanted to live.
Not speak.
A sound. A sound entered my ears. A feeling. A feeling of anger. Of rage. Of killing. Replaced my darkness. Replaced my soul. Replaced my life. Evil. Evil laughter. That is what bought me back to my living nightmare. Blood boiling. Face flushed. Killing in my sight. No sooner had I blinked. No sooner my anger escaped. My sorrow. My tears. My darkness. My life. One blink was all it took.
Before me. The evil. The evil of my life. Perished. Before my wand. Everything. Silence. Still. Unheard. Sway. Sway. Sway. And fall. No cheering. No cheering. Only crying. Pain. Lost life, love.
Nothing left.
Nothing left.
Nothing.
Left.
Nothing except numbness once again.
What is left is the hero I taught myself to be. The numb hero. Feeling nothing. There was nothing to be felt.
“Harry,”
“Yes,”
“He has not gone, Harry. He is in your soul and always will be. You will see him again. When it is your time. But for now, love what you had and remember that love you feel. And live off it. Feel it. And live off it. You can grieve for your loss. But I beg you. Don’t let the darkness take over you once again. You will see him, I know you will.”
I looked through the half moon spectacles and saw hope. Hope that I might one day, see my soul, my love and my life, once again.
By Xylor Anamay……..